You've Got to Be Kidding?

Don Jr Accuses Democrats of Hoping Coronavirus Kills Millions:   Donald Trump Jr appeared on Fox & Friends and accused Democrats of hoping that the coronavirus kills millions of Americans to thwart his father’s chances of reelection. Well, Don Jr does have point.  Hell, I’ve heard skeptics argue it wasn’t Democrats who weakened our defenses by firing key scientists, gutting the CDC and the National Institutes of Health - by slashing their funding to a small fraction of what it once was before Trump seized power.  But come on!  Let’s be fair here.  As any rabid Trump follower can tell you, our President had no choice but to cut out all that expensive healthcare funding.  Otherwise, how was he supposed to find the money to pay for all the tax cuts he gave to all his wealthy pals?   Now, we have some snide Hollywood elites, who think maybe Don Jr ought to focus more on how his dad's administration is gonna keep us safe, rather than how this pandemic will affect hi

Trump Turns to Pence to Calm Fears Over Coronavirus:   President Trump addressed the nation from the White House briefing room Thursday, announcing he will be putting Vice President Mike Pence in charge of efforts to stem the spread and ease public fears over the coronavirus here in the US, blindsiding Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar - who had been leading the task force. Because nothing stems public fears like putting a guy who doesn’t even believe in science in charge of coordinating our response to a worldwide pandemic and possible global economic collapse. Shortly after being appointed, Pence grabbed the reins and immediately called for a complete ban of all Mexican beer imports, pointing out that “even though the virus has so far only affected Corona lagers, mother always says it’s better to be safe than sorry.” Not to sound critical, but I rather suspect that during volatile times such as these, many American’s are thinking that “now would have been

Limbaugh Claims Coronavirus is Just a Common Cold Used to Bring Down Trump:   Rush Limbaugh is under fire for spreading misinformation, after claiming the coronavirus is simply a “common cold being weaponized to bring down President Trump,” - who just recently awarded him the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Well, if that’s the case, I suggest Rush should perhaps test his theory, by flying directly into coronavirus epicenter Wuhan City, China - expose himself to the virus, and thereby demonstrate just what a humongous hoax all this coronavirus nonsense really is.   On the other hand, Rush was the guy who told listeners for years and years that “smoking does not cause cancer” - so there’s that.  But it doesn’t matter.  Hell, Trump supporters will just think that once again, Rush is “dead right.”  And you know what, maybe this time - he really is. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Homeland Security Chief Stumbles Over Basic Coronavirus Questions:   Acting Homeland Security chief Chad Wolf appeared painfully uninformed during harsh questioning by Republican Sen. John Kennedy about the Trump administration’s preparations for a coronavirus response - with Kennedy even reminding Wolf that ”you’re supposed to be in charge of protecting us.” Hey!  How about cutting the poor guy some slack?  After all, he’s only the "acting Homeland Security Director.”  He’s only “acting” as if he knows the job!  Besides, what’s the big deal anyway?  I mean, didn’t the President just assure us all last week, that this virus is gonna die out in another 5 or 6 weeks?  Just ask yourself - if the coronavirus were really the serious threat that these medical experts claim it is, would President Trump and the Republicans have made the huge cuts to the CDC budget that they just did? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Harvard Scientist Predicts Coronavirus May Infect 70% of Humanity:  Harvard University epidemiologist Marc Lipsitch is predicting the coronavirus "will ultimately not be containable,” and - within a year, could infect up to 70 percent of humanity. Well, that sounds rather comforting - to almost no one!  Anyway, I suppose I’d better get busy and stock up on some strong meds. I think about a case of Jack Daniels ought to do the trick. Now, on a positive note for Republicans, those figures only reflect the virus infecting humans, so that pretty much excludes anyone who’s ever served in the Trump Administration. And as for Trump himself, I think he’s pretty safe from ever coming in contact with the virus.  I mean, even Trump supporters know viruses don’t play golf. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Gives Defense Dept Power to Abolish Bargaining Rights for Civilian Unions:   President Trump has given the Department of Defense the legal authority to abolish the collective bargaining rights of its civilian labor unions, who represent some 750,000 workers. Well, Trump did promise to help America’s middle class - and, as I see it, he’s doing just that - helping them.  He’s helping them move from middle class - into abject poverty.  Gee, isn’t it funny how most rich folks seem to think “everyone else” is overpaid? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Apple Granted Restraining Order Against Man Stalking Tim Cook:   Apple has filed a temporary restraining order against a man it says has been harassing and making subtle threats against CEO Tim Cook as well as other members of Apple's executive team.  Oh, for crying out loud - Bill Gates, learn to control your anger! One thing's for sure, we definitely know it wasn’t President Trump, because he’s been too busy harassing some guy named “Tim Apple.” But all kidding aside, the judge apparently considered the threat to be so serious, he not only ordered the guy to stay at least 100 feet away from Tim Cook, but also a 100 feet away from all Apple products. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Appoints Hardened Loyalist to Help Him Control the Deep State:  President Trump has selected Richard Grenell, a hard core Trump loyalist with “no intelligence background whatsoever,” to be acting Director of National Intelligence - a man he hopes will help the President control the intelligence community’s “deep state,” whom he feels seek to undermine his agenda.  Not to be critical, but being a Trump appointee, one can’t help but wonder if its actually “intelligence experience” that Grenell lacks, or simply intelligence in general? Now, is it just me, or is it starting seem like perhaps it might not have been such a great idea after all to hand the reins of our country over to a bunch of white nationalist Twitter trolls? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Admin Offered Assange US Pardon if He Cleared Russia:  Lawyers for Julian Assange say he plans to claim at his extradition hearing that the Trump Administration offered him a pardon by then-Congressman Dana Rohrabacher, if he simply agreed to say Russia was not involved in leaking Democratic National Committee emails to WikiLeaks during the 2016 U.S. election campaign.   In response, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham is calling the claim "absolutely and completely false,” adding that the President doesn’t even know Dana Rohrabacher.  All I can say is, this President really has himself quite a long, impressive list of people “he doesn’t even know.” Anyway, it appears that the President had a pardon for sale, in exchange for false testimony.  And now, Trump just pardoned Rob Blagojevich - a guy who also tried his hand at sales, by trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat.   Hell, it sounds like the President was simply trying to fill the vaca

Trump Brands Himself as America’s Chief Law Enforcement Officer:  Shortly after his extremely controversial pardoning or commuting the sentences of 11 people, President further outraged critics by falsely declaring himself to be “chief law enforcement officer of the United States.” Well, on a positive note, Trump declaring himself “chief law enforcement officer of the United States,” should at least once and for all settle that lingering question of “who da boss?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Sen. Tom Cotton Still Pitching Debunked Theory About Coronavirus:   Sen. Ton Cotton (R-Ark.) is continuing to push a bogus and long ago debunked conspiracy theory circulating in many right-wing circles, that the coronavirus began in a biological weapons lab in Wuhan, China. Oh, come on!  Who the hell cares about what Tom Cotton thinks about the coronavirus?  Like most intelligent Americans, I wanna know what biologists over at Trump University think we can do to stop this dreadful contagion.   And what are these noted scientists recommending?  They say we simply need to add an additional 10 feet in height to Trump’s border wall, and that should prevent any virus from ever penetrating our borders.  Now, I’m no virologist, but guessing that means viruses must be afraid of heights.  Anyway, perhaps we should give the poor Tom Cotton a break.  After all, he only recently learned that the Earth revolves around the Sun.  You don’t wanna load him up with too much information, t

Over 1100 Former Justice Department Officials Demand Barr's Resignation:   More than 1,100 former Department of Justice (DOJ) officials who served in both Republican and Democratic administrations, are calling for Attorney General William Barr to resign in the wake of the DOJ's decision to ask for a shorter prison sentence for Roger Stone, a longtime ally and close pal of President Trump. Gee, both Democrats and Republicans joined in demanding Attorney General Barr resign?  Who knew a partisan hack like Bob Barr could be such a uniter?   Isn't it interesting how this "deep state conspiracy” Trump supporters constantly whine about - now seems to include nearly every single person who is still somewhat in possession of their sanity? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Sending Border Patrol Tactical Units to Sanctuary Cities:   The Trump administration is deploying highly trained, heavily armed tactical units to boost arrests of unauthorized immigrants in cities like Los Angeles, Chicago and New York, in Trump’s latest move against localities that adopt "sanctuary" policies. Gee whiz, sending in an armed militia to hunt down immigrants?  Why, if one didn’t know better - one might think our president was actually trying to provoke violent incidents.   But I see his point, America desperately needs heavily armed tactical SWAT units to protect us from unarmed, impoverished, migrant men, women and children.   By the way, if those SWAT units are looking for unauthorized immigrants, I hear Trump properties are a great place to start.  On the other hand, if they’re looking to catch real hardened criminals, I suggest they focus on the White House. Folks, this isn’t hyperbole - this is fascism.  The Statue of Liberty must b

Barr Tells ABC News Trump Attacks on DOJ Making Job Impossible:  Facing strong blowback for going against recommendations of his own prosecutors, Attorney General William Barr felt it necessary to go on ABC News to mildly push back against President Trump’s attacks on the Justice Department by saying the President’s tweets “make it impossible for me to do my job” and “I’m not going to be bullied or influenced by anybody. Of course he won’t be bullied.  How could anyone possibly think such a thing?  Why, it isn’t like he stepped in to save Michael Flynn from serving jail time, desperately tried to dig up dirt on Trump opponent Joe Biden, misrepresented the Mueller Report to the American public, stonewalled Congress when they asked for documents, or fought like hell to make sure Trump’s tax returns will never see the light of day.  “No sir, I won’t be bullied - why, I’m crooked enough on my own.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

New Study Finds Your Height as a Teen Linked with Dementia Risk:   A new study analyzed data on 666,333 Danish men born between 1939 and 1959, and found that men who were taller then average during their teen years, were 10% less likely of developing dementia later in life.   Damn, I’ve always been average height!  Just my luck!  And I was really hoping to avoid getting dementia - but now, it looks like “I came up short.”  I knew I should have tried a little harder to be taller in high school.   Now, I’m no scientist, but my guess is - the taller boys got less dementia, because taller boys are less likely to get beaten over the head than their peers.   Anyway, wonder how they’re gonna explain this new data to the kids in school?  “OK kids, let's have fun with statistics.  Who wants to go first?  How ‘bout you Shorty?" https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Chinese Passenger Tries Sneaking Package of Tiny Dead Birds Into US:   U.S. Customs and Border Protection agriculture specialists report finding and confiscating a package of “tiny dead birds” in a Chinese passenger's luggage at Washington Dulles International Airport this week. I'll tell ya, seems like some folks will do just about anything to avoid airline food.  When asked what made him suspect the passenger’s package contained contraband, the Customs agent said “a little bird told me.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Masked Neo-Nazi White Supremacists March in Washington DC:   Shortly after President Trump’s acquittal in the senate, masked members of a neo-Nazi white supremacist group called Patriot Front marched through Washington’s National Mall yelling “Reclaim America!” and “Life, Liberty, Victory!” Patriot Front?  What the hell is that - another Trump voter registration drive?  And what’s up with the masks?  Of course, in all fairness, I suppose they really need to wear masks, so no one could tell which ones were Eric and Don Jr.  I mean, you can’t have your damned march being endlessly delayed by countless autograph seekers. But frankly, I’m a bit surprised Trump didn’t invite them right over to the White House - and present them with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  If not that, he should have at least given them a few McDonald’s gift cards for their efforts.  I mean, come on!  You’re supposed to be a billionaire.  You don’t want folks thinking you’re cheap! https://www.j

San Francisco Parking Space Selling for $100,000:   A parking space in a San Francisco parking garage is on the market for $100,000, which is actually quite a bit less than in cities like Seattle, Boston and New York, where parking spaces have gone for as much as $1 million. Well, well!  How fun to think we’re moving into in an era when not only most Americans can’t afford to buy a house or pay rent, but soon we won’t even be able to afford to park our damn cars.  Now, is it just me, or does it seem like $100 grand ought to buy one helluva lot of Uber rides?    On the positive note, at least it’s comforting to know that those big Trump tax cuts have freed up enough extra spending money for the rich folks, that they now can spend their free time speculating on urban parking spaces.  The question is, what happens when some schmuck parks in your spot? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Calls on Congress to Expunge His Impeachment:   Talking to reporters on the White House lawn, President Trump called on Congress to "expunge" his impeachment for abuse of power following his acquittal in the Senate, claiming the whole thing “was a hoax.” Gee, wonder where he could have learned a word like “expunge?”  A term like that just seems a wee bit too “bigly” for a fellow like Donald Trump to be throwing around.   But hell, if impeachment really bothers him all that much - why not just pull out a Sharpie and expunge himself?  Anyway, if it’s any consolation, I feel like “expunging” him ever time I see his big, bloated, orange face all over the TV screen. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

China Sending Trucks to Spray Bleach on Entire Cities:   China has been quickly dispatching spray trucks, hoses, and bottles filled with household disinfectants like bleach across the entire country, in an effort to control the outbreak of the novel coronavirus known as 2019-nCoV.   Wow, spraying entire cities with bleach?  That’s just crazy!  I mean, just think about it - Trump and his pals have been trying just about everything possible to make America “Lily-White” again, but China’s “bleach the hell out of them” idea is so unique, it even caught the Trump cultists by surprise. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Republican Senators Still Claiming Trump Has Learned Lesson:   Many of the Republican senators who voted to acquit Donald Trump on abuse of power and obstruction charges, are now trying to justify their vote by claiming they believe Trump has learned his lesson, even though the president followed up his acquittal by launching vicious, personal attacks against his accusers and continuing to claim he did absolutely nothing wrong. Now, I’m rarely in agreement with Republicans about much of anything, but I have to admit I’m in full agreement with those senators who say “Trump has learned his lesson” after his recent impeachment.   Of course, the lesson he’s “learned” is that he’s now free to do whatever he wants whenever he wants, no matter how criminal or unconstitutional it may be - and he’ll never face any consequences whatsoever for those actions.  But he’s still learned a lesson, just the same. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Gives Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom:   During an extremely divisive State of the Union address, Donald Trump awarded talk-show host Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his “decades of tireless devotion to our country.”  Perhaps the biggest surprise of the evening was that Melania Trump herself was on hand to drape the medal around Mr Limbaugh’s neck.  And while Melania did a decent job presenting the medal, I still think Vince McMahon would have been a better choice.    That said, one wonders where Melania finds time to do all this, given all the hard work she’s been putting into her "Be Best” campaign.  Of course, Melania’s “Be Best” campaign is all about bullying and, as we all know, so is Rush Limbaugh - so I guess it all makes sense.   Hell, it just seems like yesterday when Rush was telling listeners how Michael J. Fox was faking having his Parkinson’s and asking why “all composite pictures of wanted criminals seem to r

GOP Legislator Claims Constitution Says It’s Okay to Shoot Socialists:   A Montana state lawmaker just told a roomful of Republicans that the Constitution says socialists can be jailed or shot - simply for being socialists. Wow, who knew the Constitution advocates shooting socialists?  Oh wait, now I remember.  That’s in Article 2020-BS, which also permits the shooting of reporters, Democrats, minorities, ”uppity" women, folks who aren’t born-again Christians and those who speak out in opposition to President Trump. But gee, a prominent Republican is actually justifying the murder political opponents?  Of course, I’m sure Alan Dershowitz would say it’s perfectly fine, just as long as it’s your “sincere belief” shooting socialists is in the best interests of Montana.   Now, I’m certainly no legal scholar, but I’m pretty sure the Constitution warned that this is exactly the type of person who gets elected - when too many residents breed with farm animals. https:/

Experts Say Insects May Be the Food of the Future:   Experts say current livestock practices simply won’t keep up with the worldwide food demands, and with livestock farming contributing to deforestation, diminishing water resources and greenhouse gases, scientists have been looking for alternative protein sources to meet the world’s nutritional needs - including plant-based proteins, lab-grown meat and especially insects, which are high in protein.   OK - got it!  “Waiter, I'll have the roach beast sandwich, an order of flies and a chocolate snake.”  And while some of you may balk at the thought of eating insects, let’s get real - anyone who regularly eats at places like Denny’s is certainly no stranger to eating bugs.  Besides, the way I look at it, if YouTube influencers can eat TidePods, there’s no reason the rest of us can’t eat a few bugs. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Conspiracy Theorists Claim Bleach Solution Cure for Coronavirus:   Once touted as a "cure" for autism, Trump-supporting QAnon folks, conspiracy theorists and a famous YouTuber - are now claiming that a dangerous chlorine dioxide mixture called a "Miracle M ineral Solution,” sold online for around $28 for a 4-ounce bottle  - can prevent and cure the coronavirus. Now in all fairness, I think these folks are kinda onto something here.  After all, if someone drinks enough of this "miracle mineral solution,” I think it’s a pretty safe bet they’ll certainly never catch the Coronavirus - or anything else for that matter - ever again. Now, my suggestion for those QAnon folks is - why not throw a couple of Tide PODS into the mix, just to ensure you get the job done right?  Oh, and be sure to take a few selfies while you’re drinking it all down - that oughta impress all your friends. But geez, they’re asking $28 bucks for only 4 ounces?  Not to complain, but th