You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Invites Military Dog Injured in al-Baghdadi Raid to White House:   President Trump is tweeting that the military working dog named Conan, who was injured in the raid that killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, will leave the Middle East next week for a visit to the White House. Its being reported that the dog initially declined the invitation, but was finally persuaded to come after Trump promised him treats during their phone conversation - which the President later described as a “perfect conversation,” and vehemently denying accusations of any quid pro quo with the dog.   Sources close to the dog say Conan made it clear to the President that he expected nothing short of first class doggie treats and not a bunch of crappy, cold cheeseburgers, like the president passed out to Clemson’s football team during their White House visit this past January.  One things for sure, had the dog actually declined the White House invitation, you can bet Trump would have imme

Kanye West Claims $68 Million Tax Refund Was God’s Reward:  During a recent appearance on James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke , musician and loyal Trump supporter Kayne West said that the $68 million tax refund he received in 2019 was his reward from God for being a born-again Christian - money which will allow him to stay afloat financially.   Wow, I’m so happy for Him!  No, not Kanye - I meant God.  I mean, who could have known God was doing tax returns on the side these days?  Of course, I’m sure his followers are praying that this is just seasonal, part-time work for God - and not His new, full-time gig.   My guess is, He probably learned to do taxes by taking night classes somewhere like Pepperdine.  Pepperdine’s always been kind of a religious school anyway, so I’m sure His getting admitted there was just a piece of cake.  Hell, He probably even cut most of his classes.  I mean, who’s gonna flunk God?   Now, I don’t wanna sound skeptical, but my I suspect Kanye’s mas

Trump Allies Smear War Hero Impeachment Witness:  In the latest effort by President Trump’s defenders to discredit the impeachment investigation, conservative commentators have been busy implying Tuesday’s witness, Army Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, a well-decorated, wounded Iraqi war veteran and a member of the National Security Council - might be a traitor. Well then, lets go ahead and compare - Lieutenant Colonel Vindman is a decorated soldier who has a Purple Heart.  Donald Trump, on the other hand, has no Purple Heart and - by all indications, appears to have no heart at all. Put another way, Alexander Vindman is a Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Army, and a combat veteran who served his country honorably for over 20 years.  And Donald Trump, is a 5-time draft-dodger who serves only himself. Now, what baffles me, is how conservatives can still campaign on those worn-out old “we support the troops” slogans.  Now, while supporting troops sure sounds like an aw

Trump’s Syrian Pullout Leaves Putin in Charge:  Analysts say that when President Trump made his shocking decision to pull out of Syria and abandon our Kurdish allies, he handed Russia and Vladimir Putin the keys to the undisputed political leadership throughout the region. On the other hand, economists would probably argue that these events aren’t actually Putin victories, they’re simply interest payments and dividends - paid as a result of Putin’s various investments in Donald Trump, as well as his lovely family and friends. Anyway, I’m guessing this means Mr Putin isn’t likely to be going public with any of that incriminating information he’s been holding on Trump and his associates any time soon.  Funny how conservatives head’s literally explode with the mere mention of Colin Kaepernick, yet they’re perfectly fine with all this. For example, I have a cousin who swears Donald Trump will go down in history as “America’s greatest president.”  Of course, on a rather sad n

Convicted Russian Agent Maria Butina Sent Back Home:   Russian national Maria Butina, who was convicted and jailed in the US last April for being a Russian agent, during which time she admitted infiltrating and funneling influence money to the NRA, U.S. conservative activists and Republican politicians - has finally arrived back in Moscow after being released from prison early by US officials. OK, so where the hell is the NRA supposed to get all their cash from now?  From members?  Good luck with that!  I mean, you bet NRA cadre are now running around like madmen asking “where the hell are Boris & Natasha  - now that we really need them?” And good grief, to think that poor Wayne LaPierre just bought himself one of those brand spanking new, French-style country estates just outside Dallas.  And by God, those damn mansions don’t just pay for themselves. Anyway, before boarding the plane back to Russia, Ms Butina gracefully thanked all her loyal supporters, including f

Trump Deficit Grows to Nearly $1 Trillion in 2019:   The Treasury Department announced Friday that, despite the booming economy, the budget deficit has ballooned to nearly $1 trillion in 2019, growing by $205 billion or 26 percent, in this past year alone. Well, to be fair, Trump did promise he’d run the country like he runs his businesses - which we now know apparently means “right into the ground.”  All I can say is, it’s a good thing for Trump that Republican voters believe deficits only matter - when there’s a "Democrat" in the White House.    But seriously, all his other business losses and scams aside, Trump took a damn casino into bankruptcy?  How the hell do you bankrupt a casino?  I mean, for God’s sakes - people just basically walk in and hand you money.  All you have to do is pay the electric bills. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Instructs All Federal Agencies to Cancel WaPo and NY Times:   The Trump administration says it plans to order federal agencies to cancel all Washington Post and New York Times subscriptions - and, in a recent interview with Fox News’ host Sean Hannity, Trump said “we don’t even want them in the White House anymore - they’re fake.” Like it or not, the President does bring up a pretty valid point though.  I mean, it’s pretty obvious to people who know a lot about such things, that the founding fathers wanted US citizens to get their news directly from the Fox News Channel. But why stop there?  Hell, why not just have the FCC pull the licenses for NBC, CBS, ABC, and that damn CNN?  I mean, allowing all these other channels to use our airways - often saying things which completely contradicts everything they’ll ever hear on Fox, just confuses people.   And by God, we’ve seen what happens when folks get all confused like they did in 2016.  Why, they start thinking crazy

Impeachment Deposition Delayed After Republicans Storm Proceedings:   Republicans defense of President Trump grew even more frantic and disjointed on Wednesday, with House members storming a closed-door hearing, compromising national security by bringing electronics into a secure area and forcing House internal security to do a full sweep of the room for potential bugs and other security breaches. Gee, that reminds me of back when the Dems stormed those endless Benghazi hearings the Republicans were holding.  Remember that?  Me neither, but I do understand their frustration.  After all, things like facts and information have always been quite frightening to Republicans.  And with all the insane things that have been surfacing in testimony of late, it was either storm the hearing or go back on the meds.  Luckily for them, they have Donald Trump at the helm to guide them through this storm. But gee whiz, gosh and golly folks!  Just to think that these cranky old, stone-age Rep

Top U.S. Diplomat Paints Damning Quid Pro Quo in Testimony:   Senior U.S. diplomat to Ukraine William B. Taylor Jr., painted a devastating portrait in testimony on Capitol Hill of White House-directed efforts guided by Rudy Giuliani, to pressure the government in Kiev to “publicly investigate” a Democratic political rival and his son or face a cut-off in aid - in effect, subordinating national interests to Donald Trump’s political prospects. Now, if there’s one thing that’s as predictable as Trump’s golfing weekends or his affinity for Eastern European women - it’s Trump cultists insisting this is just another nothing burger.  And I can kind of see their point.  I mean, all he and Rudy did was form a secretive shadow government which withheld taxpayer money Congress allocated to prevent the Russians from overrunning Ukraine - until they agreed to publicly investigate Trump’s likely election rival over some phony conspiracy theory which they were warned early on was completely b

Trump Has Tantrum Over Phony Emoluments Clause:  Claiming Doral in Miami would have been the greatest G-7 summit ever, President Trump threw a major tantrum over the fact that, because of the “phony Emoluments Clause,” he was forced to cancel plans to host next year’s G7 summit at his own, private golf course. So, President Trump believes the document he swore an oath to preserve, protect and defend - is a phony?  Perhaps someone on his staff needs to sit him down and try to explain to him just how the Constitution works.  Of course, considering Trump’s pre-adolescent attention span, I would suggest using big, colorful, picture cards.  That ought to get his attention! Trump then went on to complain how he’s lost out on making $5 to $10 billion since becoming President.  Now, I guess what he’s really trying to say here is - that “he’s a giver.”  And, to be completely honest, I tend to agree with him on this one.  Why, just today, after reading about all his latest shenanigans

Trump Forced to Reverse Course on Hosting G-7 at His Doral Club:   Insiders say President Trump was forced to abandon his slick attempt to host next year’s G-7 summit at his own Doral golf club, after it became clear the move had alienated many Republicans, who find themselves in an almost constant struggle trying to defend his actions on so many fronts. Of course, White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney tried to explain it all away by claiming "the president still considers himself to be in the hospitality business.”  One would think someone would recommend he read the emoluments clause of the constitution, but given that it goes on for a bit longer than 280 characters - I suppose that’s kind of pushing things a bit. Anyway, the funny thing is, one would think a career criminal like Donald Trump would be a helluva lot better at running all these scams than he is, but let’s face it folks - when your IQ scores come in just slightly higher than naked mole rats, you’re p

Woman Charged with Stealing Toys from an Infant’s Grave:   Police say it took them nearly two years to identify and arrest an Ohio woman who was stealing toy mementos from the grave of a 14-month-old boy.  The woman’s attorney asked the court for mercy, claiming his client now realizes what a “grave mistake” she made. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Danish Study Outlines Dangers of Having Thin Thighs:   A new Danish study found that having thin thighs may raise the risk of premature death and heart disease.  Well, one thing’s for sure, eat enough Danishes and thin thighs is about the last thing you’ll ever have to worry about.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Substance Gives Naked Mole Rats Immunity to Cancer:   Researchers say Naked mole rats have higher concentrations of hyaluronan, a natural skin thickening agent that also affects cartilage and connective tissue - and is believed to stop tumors from developing.  The good news is, people given hyaluron

Trump Mocks Honest Abe During His Dallas Rally:  President Donald Trump once again shocked critics by mocking Abraham Lincoln during his latest rally in Dallas, telling followers he would never be as presidential as "Honest Abe Lincoln when he's wearing that hat," adding that to be presidential like Lincoln - "all you have to do is act like a stiff.”  He then proceeded to mimic “a stiff,” by buttoning his blazer, speaking in a monotonous voice, and claiming that someone as boring as Lincoln could never win Texas. Wait a minute, that’s just crazy!  You’re telling me Donald Trump can actually button-up his blazer?  Wow, who could have ever seen that coming?  Anyway, Trump’s definitely right about one thing, the word “honest” will NEVER be used to describe Donald Trump - or his presidency. Of course, trying to compare Donald Trump to Abraham Lincoln is simply ridiculous, no matter how you look at it.  I mean, you’d have to go back a helluva lot further than A

White House Calls Trump Property the Perfect G7 Meeting Location:   The White House and President Trump are raising eyebrows once again after they selected Donald Trump’s National Doral Resort Hotel as the “perfect location” for the next G7 summit while also suggesting President Trump plans to re-invite Russian President Vladimir Putin to the meeting.  Well gee-whiz, what a lucky break for the Trump Resorts.  I mean, who knew there was no other place in the entire United States that would be appropriate to hold a G7 summit other than a Trump property?  Imagine that! Of course, at the rate Trump has been betraying all our friends and allies, by the time this conference actually rolls around - my guess is it’s likely only gonna be a G2 summit - with just Trump and Putin in attendance! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Pelosi Says Trump Had Very Serious Meltdown in White House Meeting:   House Speaker Nancy Pelosi defended walking out of a White House meeting with Donald Trump about the crisis in Syria, after she said the president had a “very serious meltdown” and insulted her by labeling her a “third-rate politician.” The President countered the Speaker’s remarks by claiming his meltdown was actually “the perfect meltdown.”  Adding that “people have always told me I have the best meltdowns - possibly the best meltdowns in the history of meltdowns - but I don’t like to brag.” Now, in all fairness to the Mr Trump - who could possibly find fault with a President who belittles, insults and calls other high-ranking US officials crude names if they happen to disagree or don’t lavish praise on him during meetings?   After all, didn’t he try and explain to her and everyone present that his Syria pull-out strategy was based on “my great and unmatched wisdom?”  I mean, what else do these peop

Giuliani and Pence Will Defy Demands by Congress for Documents:   Declaring the Democrats-led impeachment inquiry a sham, Vice President Mike Pence and President Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani have are refusing to hand over documents on Ukraine. Gee, I’m not sure why Rudy wouldn’t wanna cooperate.  I mean, what would he have to hide?  After all, it isn’t like he secretly took $500,000 of Russian money which was funneled to him through his two now indicted friends - or he was secretly running his own private, secret, shadow foreign policy in Ukraine…oh wait! Anyway, wonder if Rudy realizes this subpoena is not like a wedding invitation - its actually a legal order from Congress.  And, if he decides not to comply, then about the only question left to ask is “will Rudy be permitted to keep his dentures while he’s in jail, or are they considered a lethal weapon?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Meets Giuliani for Lunch In Show of Support:   President Trump and Rudy Giuliani met for lunch at Trump’s golf course in Sterling, Virginia this past weekend, in a show of support for Giuliani amid revelations that prosecutors were investigating Giuliani for possible lobbying and campaign violations. Word on the street has it that Trump feasted on burgers and Diet Cokes and Giuliani just ate crow.  Call me cynical, but this sure feels an awful lot like a “let’s get our stories straight luncheon!”   The luncheon was actually quite intimate, just Trump and Rudy - and their Russian translator.  I didn’t know, given Trump’s Track record - I think I’d seriously consider hiring a “food taster” to accompany me before attending that luncheon. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Nike Selling Out of Customized $3000 Jesus Shoe:  Nike has instantly sold out of its new customized Air Max 97s - also known as the “Jesus Shoe" - a $3000 sneaker made of 100% frankincense wool, which includes a steel crucifix, 60cc of River Jordan holy water tucked into the sole and a Matthew 14:25 inscription - describing Jesus walking on the water.  Not to be cynical, but I can see potential lawsuits stemming from a shoe like this.  You know, like the guy who decides he’s gonna walk across Lake Erie in his new “Jesus Shoes,” and then drowns.  I don’t wanna sound callous, but this sure seems like a rather expensive way for Jesus to save your sole.   That said, I’m sure Jesus (and Franklin Graham) would probably want us to be wearing a pair of these babies when we walk by and ignore the sick, the hungry, and the homeless.  And, the great thing about shoes like these is, you could kick a homeless person and baptize them - all at the same time. https://www.johnnyrobi

Trump and Supporters Label Impeachment Inquiry as a Coup:  President Trump led a loud and completely unhinged campaign rally at the Target Center in Minneapolis this week, where a defiant President Trump and his boisterous supporters compared House impeachment proceedings to a “coup.”   I think what’s perhaps most difficult for many of us to understand is - how the hell could they possibly fill an entire arena, with people who are unapologetically “proud” of his behavior?   About the only way I can try and explain it is - either a nearby mental hospital took their patients for an outing and this is where they all ended up, or they flew in scores of people from Eastern Europe to fill all the seats. The irony is, before this rally, I’m certain most of Trump’s cult supporters just assumed a "coup" is a wire enclosure where live chickens are kept.  Now, while I’m certainly no psychiatrist, it sure sounds like about the only coup here is their feeble minds - which ha

Two Giuliani Associates Arrested Trying Flee the Country:  Two associates of President Trump’s personal attorney Rudolph W. Giuliani, have been arrested at Dulles International Airport outside of Washington DC - trying to flee the country on charges they schemed to funnel foreign money to U.S. politicians to try and influence U.S.-Ukraine relations. I simply can’t believe it!  Why these two look like a couple of jolly fellows straight out of a Mary Poppins movie - assuming Mary Poppins was about to be drugged and trafficked over to Eastern Europe and sold into slavery and prostitution.  Anyway, I wouldn’t feel too bad for them.  Why, if they do ever get out of prison, I’m sure they’ll easily find lots of work in Quentin Tarantino movies. Of course, Trump is claiming he doesn’t even know them.  I mean, just because there’s multiple pictures of them all together, they meet constantly with his lawyer, they donated hundreds of thousands to his campaign, dined with him and his so

Trump Abandoned Kurds Because They Didn’t Help Us WW II:   President Trump justified abandoning the Syrian Kurds, by claiming “they didn’t help us in the Second World War, they didn’t help us in Normandy” and they “are only interested in fighting for their own land.” Gee, didn’t help us during WW II?  Well, for that matter, neither did your father.  I mean, if you wanna get technical, I can think of quite a few of our current allies who didn’t help us during WW II - countries like Germany, Italy and Japan come to mind. But, all kidding aside, I can kind of see Trump’s point about the Kurds not helping Washington.  I mean, even as I’m writing this piece, I noticed the Washington Nationals are now down 3 to 0 against the Dodgers in the 3rd inning.  Why aren't the Kurds helping them? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

White House Refuses To Cooperate With Impeachment Inquiry:   In an eight-page letter to Speaker Nancy Pelosi and House leaders, the White House defiantly said it will not cooperate with the inquiry into President Trump’s actions, accusing Democratic lawmakers of running a “kangaroo court” and using the investigation to overturn the 2016 election results. Of course, in Trump’s petulant, toddler’s mind, he’s probably thinking something to the effect of “the House of Representatives isn't the boss of me!”  Good point!  I mean, it isn’t like Congress is a co-equal branch of government or anything. Meanwhile, some historians have begun comparing this era in American history to the fall of Rome.  Perhaps, but Rome didn't have Fox News, Twitter, countless websites spitting out conspiracy theories to ignorant cultists and scores of heavily-armed, violent white nationalists - foaming at the mouth and ready to take action should things not go their way. It’s really about

Trump Describes His Syria Strategy As Unmatched Wisdom:   President Trump is defending his decision to withdraw U.S. troops from Syria, calling the move an expression of his “great and unmatched wisdom,” while also warning if he’s unhappy with Turkey’s planned assault on the Kurds - he’ll “totally destroy and obliterate” the Turkish economy. "Great and unmatched wisdom” eh?  I guess he gets that from Trump University.  That said, I wonder exactly how he’d go about destroying the economy of Turkey?  Force them to invest in some of his bogus business ventures?   I mean - the fact is, if he really wanted to obliterate Turkey's economy, all he’d really need to do is get himself elected President there also.  By the way, wonder who’s job it was to explain the definition of “obliterate” to him? Meanwhile, in response to the strong bi-partisan backlash against his Syrian announcement, Trump tried to reassure everyone that he’s “ very savvy when it comes to Turkey, poi

Trump Tears Into Romney After He Calls Trump’s Actions Appalling:   President Donald Trump is lashing out at Mitt Romney on Twitter, implying that the 2012 Republican presidential nominee is “a big loser” and “pompous," after Romney characterized Trump's requests of Ukraine and China to investigate a political opponent both "wrong and appalling.” Gee wiz, can anyone say “meltdown?”  Why, Trump’s going all “mean-girls" on Romney.  Why get so upset Donny-boy?  I thought all this was all just one, great big “nothing burger.”  Not to mention, on an absolutely “perfect call.”  Why, what’s the big deal anyway? Everything else aside, it’s rather funny how a simple slight like this, can completely paralyze Trump’s psyche - to the point where about the only thing he’s capable of doing - is “golfing and tweeting.” That said, on a positive note, now that Trump’s a bona fide born-again Christian, maybe once he gets fully settled into prison life, perhaps he can st

Volker Says He Warned Giuliani About Peddling Biden Conspiracy Theory:   Former U.S. special envoy to Ukraine Kurt Volker, who resigned from his position at the State Department last week, testified that he warned President Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani that the information he was being provided about former Vice President Joe Biden and his son being involved in corruption, was bogus and had been disproven. The fact is, way back in May, Ukraine’s prosecutor general ruled there was no evidence whatsoever that either Joe Biden or his son had broken any laws.  Of course, Giuliani and Trump could care less about getting at the truth about anything.  These two take their oaths of office about as seriously as they do their wedding vows. Besides, what the hell does what Biden did - or didn't do - have to do with any crimes Trump and Rudy have already admitted to committing?  Wonder if anyone bothered to mention to Trump and Rudy that “deflection” is actually not considered a v

Asking Foreign Countries for Help Against Biden Violates US Law:   Minutes after President Trump called on the governments of China and Ukraine to investigate a potential rival in the 2020 presidential campaign, Federal Election Commission chair Ellen Weintraub posted a reminder which said “let me make this clear, seeking foreign political help is illegal.” Well, sounds like it’s about time to queue up the insults and accusations directed toward Election Commissioner Weintraub.  And, while I certainly admire her efforts to clarify election laws for our presidential candidates - I think she’s basically wasting her time with this guy.  I mean, when has rule of law ever meant anything to Donald Trump?  I guess it all boils down to this - Congress wants to hold Trump accountable to US laws, and Trump and his followers feel that those damn people who wrote the constitution, have been extremely unfair to him. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

New Whistleblower Complaint Targets Trump's Tax Audit:   Another whistleblower complaint has been lodged, this one alleging "inappropriate efforts to influence" the mandatory IRS audit of President Donald Trump's tax returns. Now, to be completely honest, my concern here, is more from the point of view of a consumer than that of a citizen.  I mean, if these damn whistleblowers keep coming out of the woodwork, our beloved nation will inevitably run reach a point - where we’ll run out of whistles.  Then what? I’ll tell you one thing, Trump was right on the money way back in 2016, when he said “if you vote for Hillary, you will see non-stop scandals, endless investigations, insane drama and most likely - impeachment.”  Well, most Americans did vote for Hillary, and everything Trump predicted, has come to fruition. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Denouncing Impeachment Inquiry as a Coup:   President Trump has escalated his criticism of the Democrat’s impeachment inquiry by claiming, "as I learn more and more each day, I am coming to the conclusion that what is taking place is not an impeachment, it is a coup.” Well, my my - a coup d'état?  Now, that’s a pretty big concept to grasp for someone with a vocabulary like Donald’s.  Although, from what I can tell, the real “coup” took place when Donald Trump took up residence in the White House.  You remember that, just after we had that little Russian election interference thingy?  But regardless of that, I would assume even a Trump supporter would be smart enough to understand that an impeachment inquiry - predicated on facts which both the President and his attorney have actually admitted to on live TV, could not a be “coup.”   Gee, I wonder if Trump also feels Bill Clinton’s impeachment was a coup?  Well, if the coup excuse doesn’t work out, there’s a