You've Got to Be Kidding?

Study Finds Half of World’s Beaches Will Disappear by 2100:   A new study determined that climate change will result in half of the world’s beaches disappearing by the year 2100 due to sea-level rise and erosion from storms.  Oh damn, there goes my 2100 vacation plans. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Polar Bears Not Descended From Brown Bears:  After analyzing DNA samples from the two species, scientists have concluded that polar bears are not directly related to brown bears.  Well, I guess that pretty much explains the chilly reception brown bears get - every time they come up to visit the polar bears over the holidays.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Study Claims People Feel Worse After Visiting Facebook:  A new study says that one in three people feel worse after visiting a “friend’s” Facebook profile.  To be honest, I don’t feel any worse after I visit Facebook - I just feel a little more stupid.

Trump EPA to Limit Science Used in Determining Public Health Policy:   Fearful that scientific research might interfere with their plans to dismantle pollution and climate change regulations, the Trump Administration is preparing to significantly limit the scientific and medical research that the government can use to determine public health regulations, overriding protests from scientists and physicians who claim this would undermine the scientific underpinnings of government policymaking. Wow, sounds like EPA scientists have just become our new “Public Enemy Number One.”  I suppose it’s not all that surprising.  I mean, I seriously doubt if any of the clowns Trump has appointed to the EPA would even understand the scientific method if it slapped them right in the face.  Hell, Trump can barely read, let alone understand some fancy-pants, scientific proposal.  Now what I don’t get is, if we limit the input of scientific and medical research, then what...

NOAA Now Backing Trump on Alabama Hurricane Forecast:   After President Trump displayed a doctored map to try to justify his earlier false claim that Alabama was at risk of a direct hit from Hurricane Dorian, Trump-appointed officials at NOAA on Friday fired off an unsigned tweet siding with the President over their own scientists in this ongoing controversy. Now, I never dreamed it possible, but somehow Donald Trump has actually managed to politicize the “wind.”  I mean, come on - this damn NOAA statement sounds a helluva lot more like a hostage statement than a public safety notification.     Anyway, let me get this straight.  So we have a statement put out by a governmental agency, who’s ultimately responsible for the public safety, defending an inaccurate, pathetic and embarrassingly insane weather forecast issued by Donald Trump?   I mean, just how can something like this even happen?  Has no one ever read Orwell?  And speaking...

Trump Suggested Using Nuclear Weapons on Hurricanes:   Its being reported that President Trump has been repeatedly suggesting to Homeland Security and other National Security officials about the idea of firing nuclear weapons into hurricanes to prevent them hitting the United States. Wow, sounds like yet another terrific idea from the Commander-in-Chief of our “US Space Force!”  So, if I’m understanding all this correctly - instead of having to deal with just a typical hurricane, people in the hurricane’s path will now be dealing with a radioactive one?  Why, that’s pure genius!   One thing’s for sure, unlike when he visited Puerto Rico - if a community gets clobbered by a hurricane full of toxic radiation, I don’t think any amount of cheap paper towels Trump tosses at local residents will do very much to clean up that mess. But hell, why stop there?  I mean, how about sending up some of those fancy new B-21 Stealth Bombers to carpet bomb Oklahom...

White House Discloses Trump Called Putin the Day of Democratic Debates:   While everyone was busy watching the Democratic primary debate Wednesday night, the White House decided it might be a good moment to disclose that President Donald Trump called his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin, allegedly to offer help with putting out wildfires in Siberia.  Gee, funny how Trump didn’t seem to have quite the same compassion about those deadly wildfires in California last year, blaming Californians for not raking their forests.  Wonder if he gave the same scolding to Vlad and his boys? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Greenland Ice Sheet Dumped 197 Billion Tons of Water Into Atlantic:   In a startling revelation, scientists report that the Greenland ice sheet poured over 197 billion tons of water into the North Atlantic in July alone.  Wow, I guess that explains that tsunami which just injured all those people at that water park. https://www.johnnyr...

Harvard’s Robotic Insects Finally Take Flight:   Researchers at Harvard University say they have designed and built a new, breakthrough type of solar-powered robotic insect that is capable of true, untethered flight.   Good grief, I’ve been fighting insect infestations every summer for years and years, and now you tell me their designing mechanical ones?  I mean, just what I need - a solar-powered fly to land in my soup! Kind of makes you wonder, what the hell’s next - robotic rodent infestations?  Then, I suppose, we’ll all need to purchase a bunch of specially-designed robotic cats to try and catch the damn things.  For crying out loud - please make it all stop! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

UK Health Group Says Too Much Cleanliness Not Bad for Health:   According to The Royal Society for Public Health, the notion that too much cleanliness can be bad for your health and that children need to be exposed to germs is a “dangerous myth.”  Oh hell!  And to think I’ve been keeping my house a total mess all this time - you know, just to strengthen my defenses.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mars Rover Snaps Pic With Mystery Lights Way in the Background:   The internet is abuzz with conspiracy theories after a picture, snapped by NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover, shows a very mysterious looking light way off in the distance.  Personally, I think it’s just the headlights from a commuter, who decided to take a detour off that damn 405 freeway here in LA.  Hell, traffic’s been so messed up on that freeway, I don’t blame them for taking an alternative route - even if it is a bit out of the way.  I mean, who the hell wants to deal with a...

FDA Approves Injectable Med to Bolster Women's Sex Drive:  Federal regulators approved a medication to boost low sex drive in women that comes in the form of a shot to the thigh or abdomen.  Of course, the first thing Trump officials wanted to know was “is it available in the form of a blowgun dart?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Naked Violinist Arrested Outside Federal Courthouse in Portland:   A 25-year-old man has been arrested for indecent exposure after police received multiple complaints about the man playing his violin in the nude outside a federal courthouse.  On a positive note, I suppose we should be grateful he was just playing his violin and not his organ. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Facebook’s New Data Center Runs on 100 Percent Wind Energy:  Facebook has announced that it’s been helping to develop an Iowa wind farm to cover the energy use of its new data center.  I guess it makes good sense when you...

Trump's Order Trimming Science Advisory Panels Sparks Outrage:   Former heads of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and Interior Department as well as environmentalists, are blasting a new executive order signed by President Trump late Friday evening, as a stealthy measure designed to remove scientific oversight over what the agency is really doing. Yea, I mean - who the hell needs scientific oversight when you’ve got thoughts and prayers?  Frankly, I can’t imagine anything more comforting for people living in places like Flint, Michigan, then knowing President Trump has asked the Rev Franklin Graham to pray the toxic poisons out of their drinking water.  And, of course, now that the President’s executive order has essentially eliminated all agency oversight, they’ll be no need to run all those silly, expensive tests to determine if the water is actually safe to drink.  After all, Rev Franklin Graham says the Lord told him the water’s safe, what more...

Report Warns Human Civilization Likely to End by 2050:   A chilling Australian policy paper outlining a “Doomsday Scenario" for humanity, suggests that if action isn’t taken soon, we will witness irreversible damage to global climate systems and by the year 2050 - a world of chaos and political panic will be the norm, sending humanity down a path toward the end of civilization as we know it. Of course, Republican leaders will counter that this will only affect people living in 2050, not wealthy, older white men alive today - so who cares?  Besides, it appears John Bolton already has a plan to rid mother Earth of much of its "excess humanity" by provoking WW III, long before climate change ever becomes a serious issue. That said, I’ve also noticed that the more cunning of Republicans have finally evolved their public posture from one of completely denying climate change exists - to one of admitting climate change may be happening, but denying the...

Poll Finds Americans Among the Most Stressed-Out in the World:   A new Gallup poll found that Americans are among the most stressed-out people in the world, reporting stress, anger and worry at the highest levels in more than a decade.  Oddly, data show that among the most stressed-out Americans are the comedians, who say they never know where their next joke’s gonna come from.  Oh wait, yes they do - it’s gonna come directly from the White House - never mind, my mistake! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Hundreds of Thousands of Viruses Found in the Oceans:   According to researchers at Ohio State University, Earth’s oceans contain almost 200,000 different virus populations.  Now normally, I’d say “well, why not just give the ocean a flu shot,” but of course - that’s just a silly idea.  I mean, insurance companies would obviously claim that the viruses are a “pre-existing condition.”    https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com S...

Trump Claims Noise From Wind Farms Cause Cancer:   During an especially bizarre meeting with NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump repeatedly used the word “oranges” instead of the term “origins” - and then, moved on to falsely claim that the noise from wind turbines cause cancer. Gee, Trump confused the word origins with oranges?  Now I don’t wanna sound critical, but this guy’s starting to make the language-impaired George W. Bush look like frigg’in Shakespeare.  In his defense though, the White House is now claiming the President most likely used the word “orange” after he became distracted by his own image in the mirror across from his table.  Adding to that, we now have Trump also claiming that windmills cause cancer.  Which is quite interesting coming from a guy who refuses to believe that asbestos causes mesothelioma.  Personally, I suspect what concerns Mr Trump about windmills is not really ...