You've Got to Be Kidding?

Target Registers Crash and Customers Wait Hours to Check Out:   Target cash registers across the country simultaneously malfunctioned due to a systems issue, creating massively long waits in line, with many customers waiting for 2 hours or more.   Frankly, I’m a wee bit concerned about the mental health of those folks who chose to wait in line all that time.  I mean, it isn’t exactly like there won’t be loads of cheap bedsheets, pillowcases and plastic storage bins sitting on their shelves tomorrow or the next day.    On the other hand, let’s get real here - if you can afford to waste hours on end, standing in the checkout line at Target, I think it’s pretty safe to assume you really don’t all that much to do anyway.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Forensic Scientists Claim Jack the Ripper Identified by DNA:   Researchers say they’ve used DNA to finally unmask Jack the Ripper, the infamous serial killer who terrorized London in the late 1800s - identifying the killer as Aaron Kosminski, a 23-year-old Polish immigrant barber.  Well, it’s about time!  Perhaps now, Londoners can finally get themselves a good night’s sleep again.  I suppose one could even say that Mr. Kosminski operated the world’s first “Supercuts.”  Unfortunately, Kosminski’s “Supercuts” seemed to be more focused on cutting the neck than cutting the hair.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Exaggerated Wealth to Get $2Bn in Loans From Deutsche Bank:   A new report found that Donald Trump repeatedly exaggerated his wealth to secure huge loans of $2 billion from Germany’s Deutsche Bank, even after bankruptcies and defaults led to him to be “deemed untouchable” by other credible financial institutions.  Wow, ...

Jim Bakker Says Donald Trump’s Been Spiritually Saved Many Times:   Televangelist, convicted felon and overall con-artist Jim Bakker recently bragged on his show about Donald Trump’s Christian devotion by telling followers that the President has been “saved so many times since becoming President,” that his numbers for being saved are “higher than anybody that he knows of.” And while I rarely agree with shucksters like Jim Bakker, I have to admit that he’s absolutely correct on this one.  In fact, Bakker is so spot on, I almost feel like I should purchase one of those gigantic buckets of “End Times Survival Food” he’s been hawking for the past several years, just to show my appreciation - but I digress.  The truth is, Trump has indeed been saved - many, many times.  Why, he’s been saved by his daddy’s inheritance, he’s been saved by the U.S. Bankruptcy courts, he’s been saved by the slick lawyers who payed-off all the porn stars, prostitutes and his sexual ...

Witness Claims El Chapo Paid Former Mexican President $100M Bribe:  A witness who claims to have been a close associate of Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman for many years, told a federal court in Brooklyn that he once paid a $100 million bribe to former Mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto.  Pena Nieto is reportedly unavailable for comment.  And who can blame him?  I mean, who the hell wants to spend time hanging out with reporters when you’ve got a $100 million to spend? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Report Claims Many Chinese Are Living in Caves:  According to a recent report published in the Los Angeles Times, over 30 million Chinese citizens are making their homes in caves.  And while living in a cave is certainly a cheaper way to live, it can disrupt a marriage and many couples who’ve made the move to cave living are reporting that their relationships are now on the rocks. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Study Find...

Nissan American Executive Greg Kelly Released on Bail:   Nissan Motor Co. executive Greg Kelly has been released from detention in Japan after being granted bail over the alleged underreporting of his boss Carlos Ghosn's pay by $44 million between 2011 and 2015.  Kelly acknowledged the error of his ways and promised that if the court saw fit to release him, he will turn over a new Nissan Leaf.     https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Hoarder Dies After Floor Collapses from Weight of Junk in House:  Police in Connecticut have recovered the body a 66-year-old woman - known as a compulsive hoarder - from the basement of her home after the first floor collapsed under the weight of all the junk she had stacked everywhere floor to ceiling.  Friends say that while it’s tragic the way she died, no one can say that she didn’t pack a whole lot into her life while she was here. Controversial Study Links Fluoride to Lower IQ:  A controversi...

Trump Claims the People Would Revolt if He’s Impeached:  Donald Trump told reporters that he is “not at all concerned” about the threat of impeachment because “the people would revolt if that ever happened.”  While I fully agree that Trump supporters are revolting, I think in this instance he may be a bit confused and accidentally mixed up the words “revolt” and “rejoice.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Factory Leak Sends Tons of Chocolate Cascading Onto German Street:  A technical defect in a delivery tank at the artisan chocolate factory DreiMeiste in the west German town of Werl, caused a colossal amount of molten chocolate to cascade down the middle of a road before solidifying in a rock-hard mess.  Firefighters had hoped to have the mess all cleaned up before the weekend, but now it looks as though they won’t be finished until sundae.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Michael Cohen Describes Trump Organization as a Cult...

Trump to Deploy 5200 More Troops to the Mexican Border:  The Pentagon and Homeland Security announced that President Trump has ordered another 5,200 active duty soldiers, military helicopters and giant spools of razor wire to the Mexican border to bolster the 2,000 National Guard troops already there to curtail what the President is referring to as an “invasion."  And the good news is - Mexico is going to pay for it all.  Imagine that!  All we’ll need to do is simply fax the bill down to them and they’ll just reimburse us for everything at a later, unspecified date.  You know, the check is in the e-mail.  By the way, how’s that wall coming along anyway?  Anyone heard? But it’s a good thing the President is getting Mexico to pay for all this, because after all - it ain’t cheap sending all those heavily armed troops and equipment to face down all those unarmed, starving, exhausted women and children seeking refuge from crime, sexual assault, p...

Trump Calls for Civility After Bombs Sent to Opponents:  President Trump is calling for more civility after pipe bombs were mailed to two former presidents as well as numerous other prominent Democrats, former Obama CIA director and Trump critic John Brennan, the CNN headquarters in New York and liberal billionaire activist George Soros’ home. Now this civility he’s asking for sounds like a grand idea - assuming he isn’t defining “civility" as having some secret slush fund pay all the bomber’s legal bills.  I mean, remember back when Trump said he could shoot someone in the street and not lose any votes?  I think we're there folks. Meanwhile, prominent Trump supporters are already propagating conspiracy theories such as “the liberals sent these bombs to themselves.”  Which actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it - I mean, Hillary sent that deadly bomb to herself - just as she colluded with Russia to lose the last presidential election. ...

Enquirer’s David Pecker Kept Safe Full of Documents on Trump:   With the news that he has just been given immunity, employees of the National Enquirer’s parent company are claiming that chairman and Trump ally David Pecker has a safe full of information about Donald Trump’s hush money arrangements and other incriminating documents from which he derives “power.”  Wow, that’s gotta be a pretty large-capacity safe.  But even if David Pecker does turn over Trump’s confidential information to Robert Mueller, Trump shouldn’t feel too bad.  After all, he’s not the first person to get screwed by a Pecker.  But just to be on the safe side, let’s not have Geraldo be the guy who opens that safe. And honestly, I’m starting to think like I may be about the only person on the planet who doesn’t have something I can use to blackmail Trump.  One thing’s for sure, you can expect Trump to soon start accusing the National Enquirer of being "fake news" - which ironic...

Mueller Probe Reaches Into Trump’s Business Interests:   With the subpoena of the Trump organization’s chief financial officer Allen Weisselberg, federal investigators appear to be increasingly delving into the president’s personal business interests - an area where Trump has repeatedly said he will “draw a red line in the sand.” One thing’s for sure, drawing a “red line” shouldn’t be all that difficult for anyone in the Trump organization - given their familiarity with using “red ink.”  Ironically, its really beginning to look like that “red line” may one day turn into an orange jump suit, but I digress.  Can we say money laundering people? And to think much of these festivities are taking place because Vlad thought it might be a real hoot to see if he could actually install a bankrupt, con man, grifter family into the White House.  Now my guess is that a detailed look into Trump’s finances will reveal his actual net worth to be in the neighborhood of ar...

Gotti Grandson Arrested for Operating Illegal Car Scrap Yard:   The grandson of John Gotti has been arrested in Queens for falsifying business records and operating an unregistered scrap yard which authorities claim scrapped approximately 400 vehicles between Feb. 14th and April 5th.  A license?  Fuggedaboutit!  But come on, this is nothing.  Hell, my neighbor's driveway could probably be considered an "illegal scrapyard.”  Anyway, I guess Gotti can “scrap” that idea.  On a positive note, given his familiarity with the waste business - maybe Trump will now consider him for the next EPA director. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com President Trump to Invite Putin to Washington in the Autumn:  The White House announced that President Trump has asked national security adviser John Bolton to invite Russian President Vladimir Putin to Washington in the autumn.  Wow, that was quick!  Didn’t they just have a 2 hour conjugal visit in...