You've Got to Be Kidding?

US Drinking Water Widely Contaminated With Forever Chemicals:   Days after Republicans loosened US drinking water standards, a new report surfaced that both the White House and the EPA have tried to stop from being published, showing that US drinking water contamination is actually far worse than previously thought - by man-made "forever chemicals” such as Teflon, Scotchgard and firefighting foam, which don’t break down well in the natural environment. Hell, I don’t blame the White House or the EPA for trying to bury this report.  After all, what the does any of this nonsense have to do with the Biden’s corruption in Ukraine or Hillary’s e-mails?   Besides, who wants to live forever?  Why not look on the bright side - with chemicals like Scotchgard and firefighting foam in our drinking water, it sounds like we’re all well on our way to becoming both waterproof and fireproof.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump EPA to Limit Science Used in Determining Public Health Policy:   Fearful that scientific research might interfere with their plans to dismantle pollution and climate change regulations, the Trump Administration is preparing to significantly limit the scientific and medical research that the government can use to determine public health regulations, overriding protests from scientists and physicians who claim this would undermine the scientific underpinnings of government policymaking. Wow, sounds like EPA scientists have just become our new “Public Enemy Number One.”  I suppose it’s not all that surprising.  I mean, I seriously doubt if any of the clowns Trump has appointed to the EPA would even understand the scientific method if it slapped them right in the face.  Hell, Trump can barely read, let alone understand some fancy-pants, scientific proposal.  Now what I don’t get is, if we limit the input of scientific and medical research, then what...

UK Health Group Says Too Much Cleanliness Not Bad for Health:   According to The Royal Society for Public Health, the notion that too much cleanliness can be bad for your health and that children need to be exposed to germs is a “dangerous myth.”  Oh hell!  And to think I’ve been keeping my house a total mess all this time - you know, just to strengthen my defenses.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mars Rover Snaps Pic With Mystery Lights Way in the Background:   The internet is abuzz with conspiracy theories after a picture, snapped by NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover, shows a very mysterious looking light way off in the distance.  Personally, I think it’s just the headlights from a commuter, who decided to take a detour off that damn 405 freeway here in LA.  Hell, traffic’s been so messed up on that freeway, I don’t blame them for taking an alternative route - even if it is a bit out of the way.  I mean, who the hell wants to deal with a...

Trump's Order Trimming Science Advisory Panels Sparks Outrage:   Former heads of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) and Interior Department as well as environmentalists, are blasting a new executive order signed by President Trump late Friday evening, as a stealthy measure designed to remove scientific oversight over what the agency is really doing. Yea, I mean - who the hell needs scientific oversight when you’ve got thoughts and prayers?  Frankly, I can’t imagine anything more comforting for people living in places like Flint, Michigan, then knowing President Trump has asked the Rev Franklin Graham to pray the toxic poisons out of their drinking water.  And, of course, now that the President’s executive order has essentially eliminated all agency oversight, they’ll be no need to run all those silly, expensive tests to determine if the water is actually safe to drink.  After all, Rev Franklin Graham says the Lord told him the water’s safe, what more...

Trump Claims Noise From Wind Farms Cause Cancer:   During an especially bizarre meeting with NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump repeatedly used the word “oranges” instead of the term “origins” - and then, moved on to falsely claim that the noise from wind turbines cause cancer. Gee, Trump confused the word origins with oranges?  Now I don’t wanna sound critical, but this guy’s starting to make the language-impaired George W. Bush look like frigg’in Shakespeare.  In his defense though, the White House is now claiming the President most likely used the word “orange” after he became distracted by his own image in the mirror across from his table.  Adding to that, we now have Trump also claiming that windmills cause cancer.  Which is quite interesting coming from a guy who refuses to believe that asbestos causes mesothelioma.  Personally, I suspect what concerns Mr Trump about windmills is not really ...

Climate Change Could Zap the Clouds and Bake the Earth:  A new study suggests that many of the world's clouds could disappear if the carbon dioxide we are pumping into our atmosphere soars to extreme levels, which would bake the earth with a spike in global temperatures by as much as 14 degrees.  Meanwhile, a Trump administration spokesperson countered that even if we did end up “baking” the earth, it’s still gonna be way healthier than frying it. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Astronomers Believe They’ve Found Our Sun’s Sister Star:   University of Texas astronomers report that a star has been found which may be a sister of our Sun, born in the same cloud of gas and dust in our Milky Way galaxy.  Of course, the only way we can know for sure - is to have them both face-off on the Maurey Povich Show. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Research Blames YouTube for Rise in Flat Earth Believers:   In a study conducted by P...

Trump Nominates Billionaire Donor Kelly Knight Craft as UN Ambassador:   Donald Trump announced he has nominated Kelly Knight Craft - the US ambassador to Canada, a prominent Republican donor and the wife of billionaire coal magnate Joseph Craft - to be the United States ambassador to the United Nations. Come on!  Trump’s nominating the wife of a “prominent coal magnate” to be our ambassador to the United Nations?  That’s just crazy!  Why - with qualifications like that, she be heading up the EPA.  That said, she has been our ambassador to Canada and she’s had the guts to stand up to that wicked “Maple Menace” to the north for a while now.  That should mean something.    But don’t think that just because much of her wealth comes from coal - she’ll be biased.  After all, when the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation asked her if she believed in climate change, she told then she believes “both sides” of the climate change debate.  ...

New Report Outlines Massive Russian Disinformation:   A new Senate report provides the most sweeping analysis yet of Russia’s disinformation campaign around the 2016 election - finding the operation used every major social media platform to deliver words, images and videos tailored to voters’ interests to help elect President Trump and other Republicans - and then worked even harder to support him while in office.  No kidding - hell, it’s getting to the point where - when you see an (R) next to a politician’s name, it now means “Russian.”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Putin Says Rap Music Should be Directed and Controlled:   As more and more Russian youth embrace the genre, Russian President Vladimir Putin told Russian leaders that if rap music is impossible to stop, then cultural leaders must devise a way of “directing” the rap music, rather than banning it outright.  What fun - I can’t imagine anything more entertaining for Russian young peop...

Study Right Finds Belly Button Positioning Important:  US scientists say they have an explanation as to why African-Americans appear to dominate on the running track, while whites excel more in the swimming pool - claiming it’s all primarily due to the position of their belly-buttons.  Ironically, a follow-up study concluded that researchers who spend their time studying belly-button positioning - most likely have their heads positioned well up their rectum. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Using Satellites to Measure Ocean Volume:   A group of scientists at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution have been using satellite measurements to get new estimates to determine the volume of water that’s in the ocean.  I can see how knowing the ocean’s volume could be valuable.  After all, if everyone keeps dumping their crap in there, one day we may end up having to drain everything. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Erectile Dys...

Donald Trump Tells Michigan Crowd He’s a Nationalist:  Speaking to a crowd of rabid followers in Michigan, President Donald Trump told the crowd that even though it may not be popular to say these days, he is a proud “nationalist.”  Gee, the term “nationalist” is getting pretty damn close to other terms which are “no longer popular.”  Terms which lost popularity after WW II.  Of course, in all fairness, you can’t really say he’s a “white nationalist” - because he paints his face orange. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Human Poop Found to Be Full of Plastic:   Scientists say plastics that are dumped into our oceans break down into microscopic bits and are then consumed up the food chain - eventually ending up getting pooped out in human stools.  So, for those of you who say “I don’t really give a crap about all the plastics in our oceans” - turns out that you do after all. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Mars May Have En...

China to Launch Artificial Moon Into Orbit to Light Up City:   Chinese officials say they plan to launch a satellite into orbit by 2020 that will act as an artificial moon - one that will be able to directly reflect light from the sun onto the streets of Chengdu, China at night, a city of nearly 14 million people. Wow, this is just a fantastic news - especially for those who feel we just don’t have enough light pollution here on Earth.  I mean, just think of it - a gigantic headlight, shining down from outer space - directly into our bedroom windows at night.  What could be more comforting than that?  Now is it just me, or does this sound like it’s gonna be one hell on an expensive light bulb?   Of course afterwards, I suppose they’ll need to send up something to block the sun during day, just to try and counteract all the negative effects caused by reflecting all that sunlight down to earth during the night when it’s supposed to be dark.  Hell,...

Kentucky Claims Gay Marriage Threatens State’s Birth Rates:  Republican legislators in Kentucky claim their ban on gay marriage should be retained because gay marriage threatens the stability of the state's birth rates.  Who they trying to kid?  Hell, in a state like Kentucky, sheep and horses pose a bigger threat to birth rates than gay marriage ever will.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Sears Reportedly Preparing to File for Bankruptcy Protection:  It’s being reported that Sears Holdings Corp is preparing to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in the coming days following years of declining sales, casting doubt over the survival of what was once the world’s largest retailer.  I guess with all the online competition from Amazon, its getting harder and harder for Sears to make a decent Roebuck. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Shocked to Find that Our Sun’s Almost Perfectly Round:  Scientists say t...

Dunkin’ Drops Donuts From its Name:   Restaurant chain Dunkin’ Donuts announced it’s dropping the word “Donuts” from its name and renaming itself simply “Dunkin’,” which will align itself with the company’s emphasis on coffee and other beverages.  In related news, Starbucks announced they will be dropping the “Star” part of their name and simply calling themselves “Bucks,” which will align itself with the company’s emphasis on charging a small fortune for insanely overrated coffee. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Studying Urban Coyotes Say They are Monogamous:  Scientists at Ohio State University who study coyotes living in an urban environment claim that they are completely monogamous and that couples pair-off for life.  Wow, imagine that?  I had no idea that scientists at Ohio State were monogamous. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com      NASA Warns Human Activity Causing Earth to Wobble:  New resear...

Some Still Pushing to Have Pluto Reinstated as a Planet:  Ever since the International Astronomical Union (IAU) demoted Pluto from planet status to “dwarf planet,” there have been those who’ve been steadily pushing back, trying to get Pluto re-classified as a planet again.  My feeling has always been that maybe after we’re certain Pluto has learned its lesson and paid its debt to society - then and only then should we even consider thinking about reinstating it as a planet. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com FEMA Chief Says Puerto Rico Death Toll Numbers All Over the Place:   In remarks that echoed those of President Trump’s, embattled FEMA Administrator William “Brock” Long said figures for how many people died as a result of Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico last year are actually “all over the place.”  I think Administrator Long may be a bit confused.  I believe its actually bodies, not numbers that are all over the place. https://www.johnny...

Colombians Told to Avoid Sex as Intense Heatwave Continues:   Health officials in the Columbian coastal city of Santa Marta are warning residents to avoid having sex during peak hottest hours of the day while the area’s intense heatwave continues.  Damn, that’d be just my luck - finally about to get lucky and they cancel all sex because of global warming. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Astronomers Find Ice on the Moon’s Surface:  Astronomers say they’ve found patches of ice scattered around the moon’s north and south poles which could one day provide a source of water for human visitors.  Not to be outdone down here on Earth, an alcoholic in North Hollywood was caught “mooning” people who were buying ice at 7-Eleven. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say Earth Will Be Habitable for 1.75 Billion Years:   The LA Times is reporting that scientists have run the numbers and found that the the Earth will likely be habitable f...

Republicans Couldn't Care Less What Critics Say About Trump:   Despite weathering criticism and accusations of treason over his embrace of Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Donald Trump has been bolstered enough with a 79% Republican summit approval rating that he felt confident enough to give critics the middle finger and invite the Russian autocrat back to the White House.  Great - they can have a sleepover.  Word has it Putin has accumulated some rather “interesting” home movies Trump might have an interest in watching. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Find 99-Million-Year-Old Baby Snake Preserved in Amber:   In a first of its kind, scientists say they’ve found a 99-million-year-old baby snake fossil which was found preserved in amber.  While some hope they’ll use the DNA to bring the snake back to life, others say it would be a cruel mistake because so much has changed in the last 99-million-years - the snake might have trouble adjusting ...

Trump Asks Why Obama Didn’t Do Something About Russia:   President Trump reacted to the indictment of 12 Russian military officers “for conspiring to interfere with the 2016 presidential election” by blaming former President Obama and the “deep state” and asking “why didn’t Obama do something?”  Interesting comment - given that Obama imposed sanctions on Russia in December 2016 for election meddling and expelled 35 Russian diplomats.  Is it just me, or shouldn’t the real question be, why the hell doesn't Trump do something NOW?  That said, I suppose as long as Trump and Putin don’t decide to go shirtless horseback riding together during their upcoming meeting, we’re all gonna be that much farther ahead for it. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Ghostly Particles Give Scientists New Understanding of Universe:  A breakthrough in the study of ghostly particles, called high-energy neutrinos - that traverse space, zipping unimpeded through people, pl...

Will Smith Says All the Sex He’s Had Didn't Make Him Happy:   In a recent interview, superstar Will Smith says he's had all the sex he’s ever wanted, but it still never made him happy.  Dude - maybe its time to switch hands. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com EPA Chief Scott Pruitt Resigns Amid Scandals:  Citing “unrelenting personal attacks,” Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt has finally resigned after months of ethics controversies and investigations over his running of the agency.  Like Truman, Pruitt’s motto was “the buck stops here!” Only difference is, Pruitt was apparently referring to his wallet.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Compares Border Policy to Keeping People Off Your Front Lawn:   President Trump tweeted that Congress must pass immigration laws that would allow U.S. authorities to summarily kick out would-be immigrants just like keeping people off your front lawn.  Get off yo...