You've Got to Be Kidding?

Calif Judge Rules Coffee Must Have Cancer Warning Labels:  A California judge has ruled that coffee companies such as Starbucks must now put warning labels on their products because the state of California has determined that coffee has chemicals in it which have been linked to cancer. In response to the ruling, California health officials say they will soon propose legislation requiring companies sending their employees off on a coffee break, to now refer to those breaks as a “cancer breaks.”  This ruling will especially apply to employees who also enjoy a cigarette along with their coffee while sitting in break rooms which have asbestos insulation.  Meanwhile, Starbucks countered that the original study only found that coffee caused cancer in laboratory rats, and claims that its always been their policy not to sell coffee to rats - not out of any deep-seeded prejudice against rodents, but for the rat’s own protection.  In fact, during court hearings on the issue, state of

North Korea's Kim Jong Un Meets With Chinese President Xi:   During his meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un pledged his commitment to denuclearization and to meet U.S. officials, and China promised to uphold friendship with its isolated neighbor.  Wow, sounds like Kim got called to the principal’s office.  Either that, or he just got the munchies and thought he’d head up there for some take-out.  And while he’s in the neighborhood, perhaps President Xi could hook Kim up with a decent barber. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Cases of Irritable Bowel Syndrome Increasing in US:   A recent study found that irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) now affects between 25 and 45 million people in the United States, with 2 out of 3 IBS sufferers being female.  What’s so surprising about that?  I mean, what bowel wouldn’t become irritated after all the crap they have to deal with on a daily basis? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Pope Francis Sa

Lost Amazon Villages Uncovered by Archaeologists:   Once people assumed the Amazon was a near-uninhabited rainforest, but researchers say they have found new evidence of 81 sites in previously uncharted territory, that prove it was in fact a hive of human activity and home to millions of people.  Researchers are quick to point out that while most of these Amazon villages appear to have once been thriving, most lacked the convenience of next-day Prime delivery our modern-day Amazon offers.  After all, you can’t really expect next-day delivery if you’re living in a “lost village.” http://www.johnnyrobish.com After Stormy - Many Wonder How Much Porn Stars Make:  With Donald Trump’s alleged payoff of porn star Stormy Daniels all over the news, many are left wondering just how much does a porn star really make?  Well, if my math is correct - she swatted Trump’s fat ass with a magazine a couple of times and then deposited a check for $130K into her bank account.  That breaks dow

Trump Hires 22-Year-Old Disney Star to Work in White House Press Office:   CNN is reporting that 22-year-old Caroline Sunshine, best known for her work on the Disney Channel show “Shake It Up,” has just been hired to work in the White House press office.   You’re kidding - he’s hired someone named Caroline Sunshine?  Come on - is that supposed to be her real name or her stripper name?  Now wait a second, we’ve just gone from Stormy to Sunshine?  Don’t try and tell me climate change is a hoax!   On the other hand, I suppose hiring a Disney star makes sense when you consider the Trump Administration is basically a Mickey Mouse operation anyway.  Trump’s basically turned the White House into an amusement park.  And if one didn’t know better, one might conclude that Ms Sunshine got the job simply because she looks exactly like a younger version of favorite daughter Ivanka…oh wait! http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes Interview Attracted 22 Million Viewers:  CBS’s “60 Minutes” Anderson Cooper interview with pornographic film actress Stormy Daniels has garnered the highest ratings for the program in nearly a decade, drawing 22 million viewers.  Gotta give Anderson Cooper credit then, because its a pretty damn safe bet Donald Trump didn’t go 60 minutes with her. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Trump Admin Throwing Out 60 Russian Diplomats:  The White House announced that they are throwing out 60 Russian diplomats in response to the poisoning of a former Russian spy in the UK.  In related news, Trump administration officials have just announced plans to reclassify Stormy Daniels as a Russian diplomat.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Trump to Throw Transgender Troops Out of the Armed Forces:   If President Trump goes through with plans to throw transgender people out of the military, experts warn this could very well create serious staffing shortages.  Fortu

Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes Interview Airs:   Despite threats by the President’s legal team to stop it, porn star Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes interview has aired and its being reported that Donald and Melania watched the interview separately.  Regardless of what happened, I don’t think its right when people try and slut-shame the President like this.  I mean, hasn’t he suffered enough - what with the syphilis and all?  The President sets a great example of practicing “family values.”  Only in his case, he happens to have an extended family, which includes hookers and porn stars. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Stormy Spanked and Had Unprotected Sex With Trump:   Even though porn star Stormy Daniels gave intimate details about having sex and spanking Donald Trump in her 60 Minutes interview with Anderson Cooper, the President’s loyal followers say they doubt her truthfulness and are claiming its is all theory and conjecture.  Yea, well, if it is just a theory - it’s the “big bang” th

Massive Crowds Turn Out for DC March for Our Lives:  Hundreds of thousands of people have turned out for the March for Our Lives event in Washington DC to demand an end to gun violence.  While he didn’t attend any of the marches held around the country, President Trump did show his support by spending the day golfing at Mar-a-Lago and drafting executive orders to discriminate against transgender people in the military. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Millions Participate in Global Switch-Off for Climate Change Awareness:   Millions of people around the world switched off their lights for Earth Hour in an attempt to raise awareness about climate change and other environmental issues.  And even though I was totally unaware this event was going on, I was still able to actively participate in the “lights off” activities due to the fact that I had forgotten to pay my electric bill. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Angry Customer Attacks Golden Arches at Oregon McDonald’s:  

Scientists Say Alien Star Sideswiped Our Solar System:   Astronomers say that some 70,000 years ago, when humans and Neanderthals shared the planet, an alien star streaked through the outer edges of our solar system and jostled its contents.  We need to erect a wall around our solar system and we need to get the Andromeda galaxy to pay for it. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Bored 6-Year-Old Discovered a 65-Million-Year-Old Fossil:   A 6-year-old girl got bored while watching her sister’s JV soccer game in Bend, Oregon - wandered away from the field and started digging in a nearby bush and uncovered a 65-million-year-old fossil.  After hearing about the little girl’s find, President Trump immediately recommended she be appointed Chairman of Paleontology for the National Museum of Natural History. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Trump Names War Hawk John Bolton as National Security Adviser:   President Trump announced he will be naming Fox News commentator and conserva

Kellyanne Conway Tells Students to Eat Ice Cream and Fries Rather Take Fentanyl:  Kellyanne Conway, a counsel to the president who is in charge of overseeing the White House’s efforts to tackle the country’s opioid crisis, is calling for executing drug dealers and advising millennials considering taking the deadly drug fentanyl - to just eat ice cream and French Fries instead.  Sounds like Trump and his team have this drug crisis all figured out - we’ll simply just KILL and eat our way out this epidemic. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Largest Baby Ever Born in California:  A Northern California baby who weighed in at a whopping 16 pounds, 1.7 ounces has been named the largest baby ever born in the state.  Experts point out that while this is in fact a very big baby, it could never come close to being as big of a baby as Justin Bieber. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Man Returns Library Book 75 Years Late:  An Estonian man has finally returned a library book that he t

Study Suggests Obesity Dulls Sense of Taste:   According to new research, obesity dulled the sense of taste in mice by as a much as 25%, information which scientists hope can be used to provide insights into treating human obesity.  Come on - what difference does it make if overweight mice lose 25% of their sense of taste?  I mean, it’s not like their into fine dining or anything. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Kellyanne Conway Considering White House Communications Director Role:   The Atlantic is reporting that Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway is close to accepting the position of White House communications director.  After issues with previous communications director Hope Hicks, all potential candidates must now submit to a lie detector test to get the job - but in the case of the Trump Administration, its more to determine how proficient they are at lying.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com     Zuckerberg Admits Facebook Made Some Mistakes:   Facebook C

Triceratops May Have Had Horns to Attract Mates:  A study published in a Royal Society journal found that the aggressive-looking armor of horned dinosaurs such as Triceratops, may actually have evolved to signal an animal's suitability as a sexual partner - known as socio-sexual selection.  Or, to put it another way, these guys were pretty damned horny.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com        Trump Called Putin to Congratulate Him on His Election Victory:  President Trump told reporters that he called Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his election victory, and plans to meet with the Russian President in the near future, but did not discuss the recent nerve-agent attack in Britain.  What does Trump care about nerve gas attacks?  Hell, Trump’s got his own private stash of nerve gas - Agent Orange! http://www.johnnyrobish.com Ben Carson Blames $31,000 Office Dining Set on His Wife:   Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Secretary Ben Carson told

Trump Consultants Exploited the Facebook Data of Millions:   After it secured a $15 million investment from wealthy Republican donor Robert Mercer, the political consulting firm Cambridge Analytica obtained personal data from more than 50 million Facebook users without their permission and turned it all over to the Trump election campaign.  And that, my friends, is precisely why I always make it a point to never to post anything on social media that I wouldn't scribble all over the walls in a public restroom. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Trump Proposes Death Penalty for Drug Dealers:   President Trump told an audience in New Hampshire that he will quickly solve the opioid crises by imposing the death penalty for those drug dealers, arguing that the federal government is "wasting our time" if it isn't willing to put traffickers to death.  Which is rather interesting when you consider many people are in fact getting these opioids from their doctors.  On a po

Kushner Company Files False Report to Evict Tenants and Sell Buildings:   Prior to being a top White House adviser, Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner's real estate company filed false paperwork in New York City claiming it had zero rent-regulated tenants in buildings when in fact it had many, allowing the company to be able to sell the properties quickly and bagging millions in profit.  Well, Trump is always talking about the need to build more prisons - and with each new revelation about his administration, it’s beginning to look like we’re really gonna need them.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Putin Wins Russia’s Presidential Election With 74% of Vote:   According to exit polls, Vladimir Putin has won the Russian Presidential election with 74% of the vote, making him the longest-serving Russian leader since Joseph Stalin.  In other news, its being reported that 26% of Russian voters have suddenly and unexplainably taken ill and died . http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Romanian Court Informs Man He’s Legally Dead:   A 63-year-old Romanian man asked the court in the town of Barlad to overturn a death certificate obtained by his wife after he had spent the last two decades in Turkey, completely out of contact with his family - but the court instead ruled him he was too late and would have to remain officially deceased.  Good grief - as if poor Romania didn’t have enough image problems - what with Dracula and all the vampires, now they’ve got to deal with the undead rising too?  I’m half afraid to ask if he’s a “Born Again Christian.”  And while I’m obviously no legal expert, I think the court is dead wrong on this issue.  I mean, is it gonna kill them to change their ruling and give the poor man a break?  After all, this isn’t exactly a life and death issue - and the poor man has become merely a shadow of the man he used to be - at least legally.     Now if this were me, the first thing I’d do is find myself a gig endorsing one of those fly

Trump Continues Purge With McMaster Firing:   According to people familiar with his plans, President Trump has decided to remove H.R. McMaster as his national security adviser and is actively discussing potential replacements.  True to his word, President Trump has assembled all the best people to fire.  Wonder how General McMaster will learn his fate?  I’m gonna go out on a limb here and place my bet on either Instagram or Snapchat. http://www.johnnyrobish.com  Teen Girl Owes $20,000 in Damages After a House Party:   A 14-year-old Canadian girl is in major trouble after she snatched her parent’s credit card, rented a house in West Vancouver and threw a massive party for her and all her friends - resulting in $20,000 damage to the property.  To her credit, she didn’t run up a huge catering bill because she chose to serve the kids Tide Pods for hors d’oeuvres. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Trump Brags About Lying to Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau:  President Don

Kellyanne Conway Took Private Jets at Taxpayer Expense:   Its being reported that Senior White House adviser Kellyanne Conway took private flights with former Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price last year at the cost of thousands of dollars to taxpayers.  Wow, what a terrible waste of taxpayer money!  What the hell - was her broom in the shop or something? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Trump Announces Plans to Militarize Outer Space:  Donald Trump told an audience of Marines he’s considering launching an extraterrestrial branch of the military into space because outer space is a “warfighting domain.”  What soldier would be stupid enough to sign up for that duty when you know everybody’s gonna refer to you as a “Space Cadet?” http://www.johnnyrobish.com Woman Strolls Into Red Sea to Give Birth:  Accompanied by her husband and a doctor who specializes in water births, a Russian woman walked into the Red Sea and gave birth to a baby.  I can totally relate

Trump Fires Rex Tillerson Leaving US Diplomacy in Turmoil:   Donald Trump threw US diplomacy into fresh turmoil on Tuesday by firing his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, who is said to have discovered his fate via Twitter. So, our President uses Twitter to fire the Secretary of State of the United States?  On a positive note, at least he didn’t use a firing squad.  I’ll take getting firing by tweet any day over that knock on the door at 3 AM.  If I’m correct, I think about the only person that remains of Trump's staff since he launched his election campaign is his golf caddie.  On the other hand, I suppose that’s to be expected when you’ve appointed a cabinet primarily comprised of Bond villains. And is it just me, or does it seem like anyone daring enough to join Trump's cabinet basically becomes about as expendable as one of his ex-wives?  Why, this guy changes staff more than the rest of us change channels - too bad more people didn’t change the channel when “The

Stormy Daniels Offers to Pay the $130,000 Back to Trump:   As the Trump legal team threatens to sue to prevent her appearance on 60-Minutes from airing, adult film star Stormy Daniels has offered to pay Donald Trump back the $130,000 in “hush money” she claims his lawyer gave her in order to stop her from speaking freely about her affair with the president.  Gee, they’re threatening to sue her over a binding agreement that Trump claims never happened?  Looks like someone has him by the cojones?  She sure seems to have a “leg up” on him - so to speak.  She’s created the “perfect storm(y).”  And while I’m no financial advisor, if I were Trump - I think I’d consider taking that wade of cash and pay back some of those Russians he owes. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Putin Denies Russian Government Collusion in US Election:  Russian President Vladimir Putin has told NBC News correspondent Megyn Kelly that he "couldn't care less" if Russian citizens tried to interfere i