You've Got to Be Kidding?

In an interview with Vanity Fair journalist Gabriel Sherman at their 500-acre Lynchburg farm, Jerry Falwell Jr. blamed the erratic behavior that got him fired from his position as President of the fundamentalist Christian Liberty University, on the “testosterone supplements” he was taking in an effort to win his wife Becki back from their pool boy - with whom she had been having a seven-year affair.   In response, former pool boy Giancarlo Granda offers quite a different story, claiming the Falwells began “grooming" him when he was only 20, bought his silence with luxury vacations, rides on Liberty’s private jet, and an ownership stake managing a Miami Beach hostel.   In addition, Granda claimed Falwell Jr. frequently enjoyed watching, while he was having sex with Falwell’s wife Becki. Wow, sounds like that pool boy must have been packing a helluva lot more than simple cleaning supplies!  Speaking of the pool, word has it that both Becki and the pool boy - loved going ...

Self-Described Prophet and Pastor Warns Critics They Risk Leprosy:   After numerous prophecies of his failed to materialize, resulting in various accusations of lies and fraud, self-described “prophet” and right-wing pastor Hank Kunneman of “One Voice Ministries” warned fellow Christians that they "better be very careful" about criticizing "prophets" like him, because "It's a dangerous place, and some of you might get leprosy.” Wow, leprosy?  That’s one helluva threat!  Now, while I wasn’t there, my guess is that it all came down something like this - some critic calls out God’s “prophet” Kunneman for his bogus claims, then further challenges him by declaring “You want a piece of me, then come and get it!”  Then God gave that critic leprosy - and that “piece of him” just fell right off. Now, on a personal note, I’ve also been a vocal critic of Kunneman’s ministry for a long time now, and I can happily report that I haven’t come down with “leprosy.”  Alth...

Pat Robertson Warns Viewers a New Ice Age is Coming:   In response to the massive winter storm that wreaked havoc in Texas and surrounding states, evangelical leader Pat Robertson told his flock not to worry about “global warming, because a new “Ice Age” is upon us and “we need to make sure we have enough nuclear power, gas, and coal - to keep us warm when it really gets cold.” Now, I’m not so sure he’s correct about another Ice Age, but the truth is, the weather in that area has been nearly as cold as Pat’s cold, cold heart - that’s for sure.  That said, the argument could be made that Pat Roberson is living proof, that what we’re really going through, is not an “Ice Age,” but actually an “Ass Age.”  That means that currently, about 45% of the nation, appears to be completely covered in assholes. And, while Pat can be rather annoying at times, I do have to admit it’s quite entertaining listening to a “dinosaur” warning everyone - about a coming ice age.  Hell, as...

Pastor Claims Biden White House Being Run By the Devil:   Conservative evangelical Pastor, anti-gay exorcist, and former Colorado state legislator Gordon Klingenschmitt, a man who once described transgender people as evildoers who are "full of the devil,"  is now claiming that Democrats inside the White House are full of the “Devil’s will.”   Klingenschmitt added that Joe Biden is now promoting little boys going into little girls’ locker rooms - which is precisely why God wanted Donald Trump to be reelected. Now, what I don’t understand is, why doesn’t God ever seem to speak out on important issues like this for Himself, rather than always relying on folks who are showing clear signs of mental illness to do it for Him? Then I remembered, God is an extremely busy deity, what with running the whole universe and all, so He doesn’t really have all that much extra time needed to harass the Earth’s LGBTQ community.  So, that’s why he deputized Donald Trump, the evangeli...

Televangelist Jeffress Says Democrats Plan to Bring Out the Guillotines:   During an interview with Lou Dobbs on the FOX Business Channel, Trump supporter and Megachurch Pastor Robert Jeffress, was invited on the show to discuss the “Defund the Police” movement and, after condemning that, told Dobbs that if Republicans lose the presidency in November, Democrats will bring out the guillotines and cut off the heads of all their critics. Well, on a positive note -  it isn’t like he’s actually using that head for anything anyway.  Besides, my guess is - if someone like Jeffress ever were to be beheaded, it’d probably boost his IQ by at least 20 points or so.  Of course, evangelicals have been warning their cults about progressives taking away their guns, confiscating and burning their Bibles, and Christians being tortured and killed if Republicans aren’t elected - for many years now.   Now, if memory serves me correct, we’ve recently had eight years ...

Right-Wing Pastor Rick Wiles Wants Activists Tortured at Guantanamo:   Far-right conspiracy theorist, ruthless anti-Semite, and Vero Beach Flowing Streams Church senior pastor Rick Wiles, thinks President Trump should round up all these activists, ship them off to Guantanamo, and waterboard them until they to confess as to who’s funding their organizations.” Well, I guess we don’t need to ponder the answer to that question for very long.  I mean, for these guys, the answer’s almost always “Jews.”  Now, you’ll have to forgive me for I’m dyslexic, but I’ll be damned if I don’t seem to keep mispronouncing his name as Prick Wiles and Vile Prick - instead Rick Wiles.  Now, shame on me!  Anyway, I must say I’m a wee bit disappointed with the good pastor.   I mean, you’d think a conservative guy like him would prefer a more traditional “crucifixion” rather than waterboarding these activists, but then again - I’m sure his followers would be quick to poi...

Pastor Calls Criticism of Trump Photo Op Damaging to Body of Christ:   Ed Martin, head of the "Phyllis Schlafly Eagles,” conservative pundit and evangelical pastor, is describing criticism of President Trump’s photo op march to a shrine to Pope John Paul II, in which the President had peaceful demonstrators gassed and shot with rubber bullets - as “classic American social justice gobbledygook” and claimed it was “damaging to the body of Christ.” Gee whiz, criticism of Trump’s photo op is “damaging the body of Christ?”  Why, is it possible that Pastor Martin believes that Christ may be buried somewhere in downtown Washington DC?  Wonder if it’s in Georgetown? Now, in all fairness, it might not be his fault.  There’s always the possibility that he’s suffering from some sort of severe head injury.  Anyway, it sounds like these right-wing pundit “snowflakes” get a wee bit rattled when their cult leader is teased by we infidels. Now, correct me if I’m ...

Woman Shows No Remorse After Driving Into Traffic as Test of Faith:   A Pennsylvania woman, who seriously injured two people in an auto collision, told police she feels absolutely no concern or remorse for her victims - claiming God told her to drive into oncoming traffic as a “test of her faith in God."    Gee, she drove into oncoming traffic because God was testing her faith?  Not to sound skeptical, but it sounds more to me like God was actually testing to see how much her insurance rates would go up.   Anyway, my suggestion for her is - next time you feel that God wants to test your faith, how about stepping in front of a bus or driving over a cliff - and stay the hell off our highways! Hope they take her license away, and if she complains about “how am I supposed to get around,” just tell her “God'll take care of it for you.”  Hell, Jesus got around on foot, what makes her so special?   Anyway, guess it’s about time to cue up al...

Christian School Expels Girl Over Rainbow Sweater and Birthday Cake:   Whitefield Academy, a Christian school in Kentucky, has stirred up quite a controversy after expelling a freshman student who posted a pic on her social media, showing her celebrating her 15th birthday with a rainbow cake and wearing a multi-colored sweater. Gee, I certainly hope these poor Whitefield students have a safe place to hide should it happen to rain one day and (God forbid) - a rainbow appears.  Now, I was gonna suggest the kids try and take cover under their desks, but of course - I’m sure the school would much rather they just “go into the closet.”  And, if the cake and sweater weren’t horrifying enough, word has it the devil child also expressed interest in attending the University of Hawaii after graduation, who are known nationally as - get ready for it - the “Rainbow Warriors.”  Now, one has to ask, is there simply no end to the horrors these poor Christians must endure...

Trump Reminds Evangelicals that God Is On Our Side:   After recent criticism from a notable Christian publication, President Trump launched a new political coalition called “ Evangelicals for Trump” at the King Jesus International Ministry megachurch in Florida, by declaring that God supports his agenda and made sure he got elected President, then adding “I really do believe we have God on our side.” So, it was actually God who got Trump elected?  Who knew?  Oh wait, now that think of it - I believe God did discuss electing Trump in “the Book of Russians” - verse 20:16, or was it the “Gospel of Putin” verse 20:20?  I must have somehow overlooked those chapters last time I read the Bible.   The truth is, even the harshest Trump critic - if completely honest, will have to admit that Trump has been a really devote Christian - at least ever since he realized how good "God" is at delivering votes on election day. And I get how some folks may consider ...

Majority of Republicans Believe Trump a Better President Than Lincoln:   According to new poll commissioned by The Economist, the majority of Republicans say they believe Donald Trump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln, while 94% of Democrats say Lincoln was better.  Well, this shouldn’t be terribly surprising.  I mean, Fox News and church leaders are continually pounding them with stories of how the Trump presidency signifies THE Second Coming, how Trump fought valiantly to save Thanksgiving and Christmas from the heathens, and how he labored tirelessly to save babies from being used in cruel medical experiments by the likes of George Soros and Planned Parenthood.  No wonder they’re pissed! And, let’s be honest, they hold Lincoln responsible for freeing the slaves.  For many of these folks, that damned “Emancipation Proclamation” thingy still stings badly.  Then, when you factor in polls showing that 40% of the country still thinks the E...

Christian Broadcaster Rick Wiles Labels Trump Impeachment a Jew Coup:  End Times Christian broadcaster Rick Wiles took to the airwaves on his “TruNews” program to warn fellow Christians that the impeachment of President Donald Trump is nothing short of a “Jew coup” to overthrow a constitutionally elected President, further adding that if Trump is impeached, this country could be engulfed in a full-blown full civil war by Christmas.   Pastor Wiles went on the explain that if Jews are able to pull off this dastardly overthrow of our Christian society, they will quickly round up all the Christians and put them to death.   Now THAT my friends, would be quite an accomplishment - given that Jews are only 2% of the US population, while Christians number around 240 million people.  Funny thing is, I just can’t seem to remember when Jews orchestrated a mass killing of Christians.  In fact, it almost seems like it was the other way around. Meanwhile, Pasto...

Trump Supporters Insisting God Chose Him to be President:   In fighting back against what they consider bogus impeachment hearings, President Trump’s hard-line supporters are pointing out that not only was the President put into office by the votes cast from 63 million Americans, but Donald Trump was also “God’s choice for the Oval Office.” Well, well, well - you don’t say!  Now, I find that rather interesting, given how well documented it is that Donald Trump actually lost the popular vote by 3 million votes.  Hell, by that account, it sounds an awful lot like God actually chose Hillary - but then Putin overrode Him on the issue.    Anyway, even if God did put Trump in the White House, let’s be honest and admit He certainly didn’t do alone.  He definitely had a helluva lotta help from the good folks over at Breitbart, Fox News, Facebook, Twitter and, of course - Vladimir Putin.   Now call me a heretic, but if we must interpret all thi...

Kanye West Claims $68 Million Tax Refund Was God’s Reward:  During a recent appearance on James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke , musician and loyal Trump supporter Kayne West said that the $68 million tax refund he received in 2019 was his reward from God for being a born-again Christian - money which will allow him to stay afloat financially.   Wow, I’m so happy for Him!  No, not Kanye - I meant God.  I mean, who could have known God was doing tax returns on the side these days?  Of course, I’m sure his followers are praying that this is just seasonal, part-time work for God - and not His new, full-time gig.   My guess is, He probably learned to do taxes by taking night classes somewhere like Pepperdine.  Pepperdine’s always been kind of a religious school anyway, so I’m sure His getting admitted there was just a piece of cake.  Hell, He probably even cut most of his classes.  I mean, who’s gonna flunk God?   Now, I don’t wa...

Nike Selling Out of Customized $3000 Jesus Shoe:  Nike has instantly sold out of its new customized Air Max 97s - also known as the “Jesus Shoe" - a $3000 sneaker made of 100% frankincense wool, which includes a steel crucifix, 60cc of River Jordan holy water tucked into the sole and a Matthew 14:25 inscription - describing Jesus walking on the water.  Not to be cynical, but I can see potential lawsuits stemming from a shoe like this.  You know, like the guy who decides he’s gonna walk across Lake Erie in his new “Jesus Shoes,” and then drowns.  I don’t wanna sound callous, but this sure seems like a rather expensive way for Jesus to save your sole.   That said, I’m sure Jesus (and Franklin Graham) would probably want us to be wearing a pair of these babies when we walk by and ignore the sick, the hungry, and the homeless.  And, the great thing about shoes like these is, you could kick a homeless person and baptize them - all at the same time. ...

Pastor Claims God Will Punish Democrats for Trying to Impeach Trump:   Right-wing televangelist and conspiracy theorist Chris McDonald, told his followers that Christians who oppose Donald Trump are betraying God , adding that God will now destroy the entire Democratic Party for opening up an impeachment inquiry - which is based entirely on false accusations. OK, but if its God’s plan to destroy the Democrats, God must have really bad eyesight, because he’s been repeatedly sending all kinds of tornadoes and floods - right smack through the damn Bible Belt. Anyway, my question is, how can these charges be considered false accusations, when idiot Donald Trump and his wack-a-doodle attorney Rudy Giuliani have already admitted doing them - right on national television?   One thing’s for sure, it’s a damn good thing Trump won that last election, because as any good Trump supporter knows, Hillary and the Democrats were preparing to put all the Christians in camps and ...

Religious Conservatives Warn Martyrdom Awaits if Democrats Win:   Several hundred people packed a large hall inside the Catholic University of America in northeast Washington, D.C., to listen to r eligious conservatives warn of a dystopian future in which the execution of Christians for their religious beliefs will be as commonplace as it was in ancient Rome - if Democrats like Bernie Sanders win the upcoming election in 2020. No kidding!  Hell, eight years of Obama nearly wiped out all of America’s Christians, who were summarily executed with the very guns Democrats confiscated from law-abiding, evangelical gun owners.  Fortunately, enough of them survived to elect Trump president in 2016. And what a blessing Donald Trump has been for America.  Why, if it weren’t for him, poor evangelicals would most likely be spending all their time urinating in genderless bathrooms, baking cakes for gay weddings, and mass shootings would be occurring so often - they’d ...

Candidate Vows to Keep Marysville, Mich a White Community:  During a council forum in Marysville, Mich, Republican candidate Jean Cramer shocked attendees by vowing that Marysville needs to remain “white community as much as possible,” adding that the Bible says a “husband and wife and their kids need to be of the same race.” Gee, since it’s pretty well established historically that Jesus Christ couldn’t have been white, I assume that means Jesus himself wouldn’t have been all that welcome if he tried to settle in beautiful, downtown Marysville. You know, I always find it rather interesting how people having the right to be who they are - and to marry whomever they wish, is somehow looked upon as an attack on Christianity by these half-wits. Of course, I’m sure folks like Jean Cramer will be quick to inform you that there’s no question in her mind Jesus Christ was white.  And she may just have a point.  I mean, doesn’t her Bible have lots and lots of pictu...

Ohio Man With 10,000 Rounds of Ammo Arrested for Threatening FBI:   Prosecutors say an 18-year-old Ohio man who used the chatroom handle “ArmyOfChrist” and who’s residence included a huge stockpile of high-powered weapons and 10,000 rounds of ammunition - has been arrested and charged with making online threats against federal agents as well as groups like Planned Parenthood. Wow, seems like these NRA sleeper cells are popping up all over the place now.  Of course, I’m sure his parents had “no idea” that their son was assembling an arsenal large enough to equip a small army - right in their house. Meanwhile, shocked neighbors say he was really just the nicest kid, who always treated everyone with decency and respect - that is, with the possible exception of everyone he hated and wished they were dead. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Televangelist Claims Veggie Burgers are a Satanic Plot to Alter Our DNA:   Christian televangelist Rick Wiles is warning his audience that the popularity of plant-based alternatives to meat and dairy products are part of a satanic plot to alter human DNA and create a race of soulless creatures who will no longer be able to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savor.  Wow, who knew?  And while I’m sure many of you are laughing, Pastor Wiles does have a valid point.  Just think about it, when’s the last time you’ve seen anyone accepting Jesus Christ as their personal savior while they were gobbling down a meatless veggie burger?  I thought so!   Now, I know some of you skeptics are gonna ask, if Lucifer alters the DNA of some poor schmuck who innocently downed a veggie burger at lunch- why the hell doesn’t God just issue some kind of a “software update" and fix the poor guy’s DNA himself?  After all, don’t Christians believe God made all the ...