You've Got to Be Kidding?

Well, it seems Don Jr. now has himself a seven-figure contract to do a podcast for “Rumble,” the cloud services business that is quite popular among America’s extreme-right crowd.   The service (Rumble) is currently most widely known for also hosting Donald Trump’s “Truth Social” platform.   Junior started things off by declaring “Judeo-Christian values are under attack,” and is sponsoring his podcast by selling “Made in America Bibles,” all the while claiming “I am both a former divinity student and a full-time podcaster.”   Two things that aren’t really true, but as George Santos might say, “who cares?” Hey, wait a minute - “American-Made Bibles?”   Now, exactly what the hell is that supposed to mean?   Is this Bible the new “King Donald Version?”   And, if so, is it written in sharpie?   Naturally, one would assume any Bible put out by a Trump, would be replete with scores of grammatical and spelling errors.   Oh well, no problem!   I mean...

Jerry Falwell Jr. On Indefinite Leave Following Provocative Photo:  The executive committee of the board of trustees announced that they have met with Liberty University President and prominent Trump supporter Jerry Falwell Jr., and requested he take an indefinite leave of absence, after Falwell posted a sexually provocative photo to social media which drew widespread harsh criticism, including Republican allies and other evangelical leaders.     In all fairness, Falwell is claiming that the dark liquid in his glass is really “only water.”  All I can say is, if that’s “only water,” then he had to have gotten it from the Flint, Michigan water supply.  Now, I hate to sound skeptical, but who the hell imports Flint, Michigan water onto their $100 million yacht? Anyway, there’s a clear message here for Liberty University students - and that message is quite simple - if you ever find yourself one day getting drunk aboard your $100 million yacht, whatever you do...

Trump Claims Biden Is Against God and Will Hurt the Bible:   President Trump is claiming that presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee and practicing Catholic Joe Biden, is "against God" and will “hurt the Bible,” adding that Biden will also "take away your guns, take away your Second Amendment,” so there’ll be “no religion, no anything.” Now, when the President claims that Biden is gonna hurt God, it’s important to remind Trump supporters that Donald Trump isn’t really God.  He just wants to be. Like that interview the other day - when they asked him about the rising Covid-19 death toll, and all Trump could say was “well, it is what it is.”  Good point!  Kind of reminds me of that time Jesus walked into a leper colony and said “well, it is what it is.”  I’m tellin’ ya, the parallels here, are downright eerie. Folks, if you ask me, it all boils down to that age-old question, “why did the big chicken cross the road?”  Of course, those who keep u...

Televangelist Jeffress Says Democrats Plan to Bring Out the Guillotines:   During an interview with Lou Dobbs on the FOX Business Channel, Trump supporter and Megachurch Pastor Robert Jeffress, was invited on the show to discuss the “Defund the Police” movement and, after condemning that, told Dobbs that if Republicans lose the presidency in November, Democrats will bring out the guillotines and cut off the heads of all their critics. Well, on a positive note -  it isn’t like he’s actually using that head for anything anyway.  Besides, my guess is - if someone like Jeffress ever were to be beheaded, it’d probably boost his IQ by at least 20 points or so.  Of course, evangelicals have been warning their cults about progressives taking away their guns, confiscating and burning their Bibles, and Christians being tortured and killed if Republicans aren’t elected - for many years now.   Now, if memory serves me correct, we’ve recently had eight years ...

Right-Wing Pastor Rick Wiles Wants Activists Tortured at Guantanamo:   Far-right conspiracy theorist, ruthless anti-Semite, and Vero Beach Flowing Streams Church senior pastor Rick Wiles, thinks President Trump should round up all these activists, ship them off to Guantanamo, and waterboard them until they to confess as to who’s funding their organizations.” Well, I guess we don’t need to ponder the answer to that question for very long.  I mean, for these guys, the answer’s almost always “Jews.”  Now, you’ll have to forgive me for I’m dyslexic, but I’ll be damned if I don’t seem to keep mispronouncing his name as Prick Wiles and Vile Prick - instead Rick Wiles.  Now, shame on me!  Anyway, I must say I’m a wee bit disappointed with the good pastor.   I mean, you’d think a conservative guy like him would prefer a more traditional “crucifixion” rather than waterboarding these activists, but then again - I’m sure his followers would be quick to poi...

Pastor Calls Criticism of Trump Photo Op Damaging to Body of Christ:   Ed Martin, head of the "Phyllis Schlafly Eagles,” conservative pundit and evangelical pastor, is describing criticism of President Trump’s photo op march to a shrine to Pope John Paul II, in which the President had peaceful demonstrators gassed and shot with rubber bullets - as “classic American social justice gobbledygook” and claimed it was “damaging to the body of Christ.” Gee whiz, criticism of Trump’s photo op is “damaging the body of Christ?”  Why, is it possible that Pastor Martin believes that Christ may be buried somewhere in downtown Washington DC?  Wonder if it’s in Georgetown? Now, in all fairness, it might not be his fault.  There’s always the possibility that he’s suffering from some sort of severe head injury.  Anyway, it sounds like these right-wing pundit “snowflakes” get a wee bit rattled when their cult leader is teased by we infidels. Now, correct me if I’m ...

Owner Claims Her Salon is Also Ministry and Should Be Allowed to Reopen:   The owner of a faith-based, Christian hair salon in Appleton, Wisconsin, has filed a federal lawsuit arguing the state’s coronavirus safer-at-home order violates her First Amendment rights to freedom of religion, speech, and assembly.  Well, I know just how she feels.  She's probably just had it up to “hair” with all that government repression and decided to go to court before a cop comes by and “locks” her up.  Rest a-sheared, if she stays open without permission, there could be hell toupee and that just doesn’t cut it.  Meanwhile, critics argue if the court permits the salon to reopen, other businesses may soon try the same ploy - and before you know it, we’ll have things like the Leviticus Lumber Company, the Oh, For Christ’s Saké Beverage Company and Jump’n Jesus’ Jamba Juice Bar.  And, as a bonus, because they’re ministries, they’d all get to operate tax-free. ht...

Mike Huckabee Claims COVID-19 Death Risk Small and Sin Risk Lethal:   Former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has stirred some controversy with medical professionals by claiming that the risk of death from coronavirus is very “minimal,” but “sin is 100% lethal. Oh, really Mike?  Then how about showing me a death certificate which lists “sin” as the primary cause of death.  Of course, the fact is, sin couldn’t be 100% lethal, or a guy like me wouldn’t even be alive to write this.   On the other hand, maybe you’re on to something Mike - and sin really is lethal, and I secretly used a “ghostwriter” to write this joke. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Louisiana Pastor Arrested for Holding Services with Over 1,100 Attendees:   Rev. Tony Spell of the Life Tabernacle Church, who repeatedly defied state orders prohibiting gatherings of more than 50 people by holding large church services with over 1100 attendees, was charged with six misdemeanor counts of violating a state ban on non-essential gatherings. Rev. Spell claims God spoke to him personally, and told him that “the virus is politically motivated” and to keep his church open, and that’s exactly what he intends to do.   Now that’s interesting, because God just spoke to me about an hour ago, and told me during this pandemic, it’s best to avoid close contact with anyone stupid enough to believe con artists like Rev. Spell. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Megachurch Pastor Jeffress Finally Relents and Moves Services Online:   Ardent Trump supporter, Dallas megachurch pastor and frequent Fox News contributor Robert Jeffress, who uses his pulpit to espouse his ultra-conservative, small-government views, has finally relented after much criticism from health officials - and agreed to move his services online. Hey, give the poor guy a break.  He had to wait until the church was fully set-up to receive online payments for heaven’s sake.  You can’t run a "Prosperity Gospel” without cash flowing in.  As we all know, those mansions and private jets aren’t going to pay for themselves. So, I suppose this means the sermons will be online for the foreseeable future.  I know this has be kind of a letdown for everyone, especially after that giant coronavirus “incubation and Transmit” get-together they held last Sunday at the church.   But, just hold tight fellow parishioners, because before you know it, this...

Televangelist Jim Bakker Ordered To Stop Selling Fake Coronavirus Cure:   New York’s Attorney General has given the Jim Bakker Show 10 days to comply with a cease-and-desist letter that orders Bakker to stop touting his “Silver Solution” products, which he claims will cure the coronavirus in just 12 hours.  No kidding - you mean to tell me that Jim Bakker, the Walmart Antichrist - is still in business?  Sounds like that dude’s got it goin on!  And now he’s got himself a homemade “silver solution” that cures the coronavirus in just 12 hours?   Wow, it’s a damn good thing these televangelists work tax free!  That means more money guys like Bakker can throw into their epidemiological scientific research.  Now, I suppose about the only thing left, is for President Trump to award him one of those “Medal of Freedom” thingies he loves to give out. And, if that wasn’t exciting enough, now that we have the Jim Bakker “Silver Solution” coronaviru...

Scientists Release Highest Resolution Images of the Sun Ever Taken:  Researchers from the National Solar Observatory on Haleakala, Maui, have just released the highest resolution images and videos ever taken of the sun's surface - which scientists hope will help them keep track of activity on the sun.   Good grief, so not only is Google, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Siri, Alexa and who knows what else spying on us down here on Earth - now, apparently not even the frigg’in sun is entitled to a little privacy. Meanwhile, and closer to home, angry Trump supporters have taken to the streets and calling the pics “fake news,” claiming there's no real proof the sun actually exists and insisting this pic looks suspiciously like some “caramel corn” bought at last year’s Iowa State Fair. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Woman Shows No Remorse After Driving Into Traffic as Test of Faith:   A Pennsylvania woman, who seriously injured two people in an auto collision, told police she feels absolutely no concern or remorse for her victims - claiming God told her to drive into oncoming traffic as a “test of her faith in God."    Gee, she drove into oncoming traffic because God was testing her faith?  Not to sound skeptical, but it sounds more to me like God was actually testing to see how much her insurance rates would go up.   Anyway, my suggestion for her is - next time you feel that God wants to test your faith, how about stepping in front of a bus or driving over a cliff - and stay the hell off our highways! Hope they take her license away, and if she complains about “how am I supposed to get around,” just tell her “God'll take care of it for you.”  Hell, Jesus got around on foot, what makes her so special?   Anyway, guess it’s about time to cue up al...

Christian School Expels Girl Over Rainbow Sweater and Birthday Cake:   Whitefield Academy, a Christian school in Kentucky, has stirred up quite a controversy after expelling a freshman student who posted a pic on her social media, showing her celebrating her 15th birthday with a rainbow cake and wearing a multi-colored sweater. Gee, I certainly hope these poor Whitefield students have a safe place to hide should it happen to rain one day and (God forbid) - a rainbow appears.  Now, I was gonna suggest the kids try and take cover under their desks, but of course - I’m sure the school would much rather they just “go into the closet.”  And, if the cake and sweater weren’t horrifying enough, word has it the devil child also expressed interest in attending the University of Hawaii after graduation, who are known nationally as - get ready for it - the “Rainbow Warriors.”  Now, one has to ask, is there simply no end to the horrors these poor Christians must endure...

Arizona Republican Accused of Selling Babies in Illegal Adoption Scheme:  Arizona’s Maricopa County Assessor Paul Petersen has resigned, months after the Republican official was charged with running a human smuggling operation that paid pregnant women from the Marshall Islands to give up their babies for sale here in the United States. Gee, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this story will never be run on Fox News.  Why, no wonder the Trump administration’s been so eager to separate all those children from their parents at the border.   I guess this pretty much explains why the GOP’s been so strongly against things like abortion, contraception and family planning in general.  Hell, how's a good Republican supposed to meet product quotas when those things are allowed? And, now that I think about it, Don Jr claimed that infamous meeting between he and the Russians at Trump Tower in 2016, was all about finding new ways to expedite “adoption of Russi...

Trump Reminds Evangelicals that God Is On Our Side:   After recent criticism from a notable Christian publication, President Trump launched a new political coalition called “ Evangelicals for Trump” at the King Jesus International Ministry megachurch in Florida, by declaring that God supports his agenda and made sure he got elected President, then adding “I really do believe we have God on our side.” So, it was actually God who got Trump elected?  Who knew?  Oh wait, now that think of it - I believe God did discuss electing Trump in “the Book of Russians” - verse 20:16, or was it the “Gospel of Putin” verse 20:20?  I must have somehow overlooked those chapters last time I read the Bible.   The truth is, even the harshest Trump critic - if completely honest, will have to admit that Trump has been a really devote Christian - at least ever since he realized how good "God" is at delivering votes on election day. And I get how some folks may consider ...

Washington State Lawmaker Accused of Terrorism Won't Resign:   A new report found that Trump-loving Washington state lawmaker Matt Shea, committed "domestic terrorism" when he participated in a 2016 armed standoff in Oregon, traveled around the country training young people on how to fight a “holy war,” promoted “patriot militia training” in anticipation of an upcoming armed conflict with law enforcement, called for replacing our current democracy with a theocracy and advocated killing all adult males who refuse to follow fundamentalist Christian biblical law. Now, in all fairness - Representative Shea does have kind of a point there.  I mean, I’ve always felt that nothing quite says “what a terrific American patriot you are” - like forcing someone to convert to your religion - at gunpoint! The thing is, even if citizens do manage to remove this wack job from office, the bottom line is - he’s still gonna be a shoe-in to head up Trump’s new “Space Force.”   ...

Mormon Church Accused of Misleading Members About $100 Billion:  A former investment manager alleges in a whistleblower complaint to the IRS, that the tax-exempt Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has amassed an incredible $100 billion through their investment company Ensign Peak Advisors.  The complaint further alleges that these funds came from member donations, which were supposed to be intended for charitable purposes - but have been used in “for-profit activities.” Well, as troublesome as all this may sound for LDS, I suspect all the Mormons really need to do, is to make a really generous contribution to the Trump 2020 campaign - and all this goes away.   Or, perhaps Trump or Rudy could simply pay old Mitt Romney a visit about his future voting plans on impeachment.  “Now Mitt, we can make this mess just all go away for LDS - but first, I need a small favor.”   I mean, the possibilities for negotiation seem endless.  Hell, who ...

Trump Supporters Insisting God Chose Him to be President:   In fighting back against what they consider bogus impeachment hearings, President Trump’s hard-line supporters are pointing out that not only was the President put into office by the votes cast from 63 million Americans, but Donald Trump was also “God’s choice for the Oval Office.” Well, well, well - you don’t say!  Now, I find that rather interesting, given how well documented it is that Donald Trump actually lost the popular vote by 3 million votes.  Hell, by that account, it sounds an awful lot like God actually chose Hillary - but then Putin overrode Him on the issue.    Anyway, even if God did put Trump in the White House, let’s be honest and admit He certainly didn’t do alone.  He definitely had a helluva lotta help from the good folks over at Breitbart, Fox News, Facebook, Twitter and, of course - Vladimir Putin.   Now call me a heretic, but if we must interpret all thi...

Kanye West Claims $68 Million Tax Refund Was God’s Reward:  During a recent appearance on James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke , musician and loyal Trump supporter Kayne West said that the $68 million tax refund he received in 2019 was his reward from God for being a born-again Christian - money which will allow him to stay afloat financially.   Wow, I’m so happy for Him!  No, not Kanye - I meant God.  I mean, who could have known God was doing tax returns on the side these days?  Of course, I’m sure his followers are praying that this is just seasonal, part-time work for God - and not His new, full-time gig.   My guess is, He probably learned to do taxes by taking night classes somewhere like Pepperdine.  Pepperdine’s always been kind of a religious school anyway, so I’m sure His getting admitted there was just a piece of cake.  Hell, He probably even cut most of his classes.  I mean, who’s gonna flunk God?   Now, I don’t wa...