You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump’s Vancouver Hotel Files for Bankruptcy:  The parent company which owns one of President Trump’s newest hotels, the Trump International Hotel in Vancouver, a facility run and managed by the Trump Organization - has filed for bankruptcy, just three years after it opened. Well now, that’s completely understandable.  Let’s face it, Vancouver, Canada isn’t exactly what you would call a good fit for the Trump brand.  After all, Canada is still considered a “democracy.”  Let’s not forget that everything Trump touches, soon dies - including America.  Ironically, according to the promotional video, Eric Trump called Vancouver “one of the great cities of the world,” and “a place that’s so fitting for the Trump brand.”  Well - yes it is , and apparently - no, it wasn’t .”  Gee, and to think all this time, I was under the impression that “bankruptcy” was actually the “Trump brand.”  Silly me! Anyway, I think I’ve actually got an idea that just mig...

US Drinking Water Widely Contaminated With Forever Chemicals:   Days after Republicans loosened US drinking water standards, a new report surfaced that both the White House and the EPA have tried to stop from being published, showing that US drinking water contamination is actually far worse than previously thought - by man-made "forever chemicals” such as Teflon, Scotchgard and firefighting foam, which don’t break down well in the natural environment. Hell, I don’t blame the White House or the EPA for trying to bury this report.  After all, what the does any of this nonsense have to do with the Biden’s corruption in Ukraine or Hillary’s e-mails?   Besides, who wants to live forever?  Why not look on the bright side - with chemicals like Scotchgard and firefighting foam in our drinking water, it sounds like we’re all well on our way to becoming both waterproof and fireproof.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Queen Elizabeth Sends Out Condolences to California Fire Victims:   Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip have issued a formal statement of condolences to the people of California over the devastating fires that have been raging throughout the state. Of course, this kind gesture is in stark contrast to US President Donald Trump - who, rather than express compassion - typically uses tragedies to scold victims about all the things he believes they’ve been doing wrong - much of which he has either greatly exaggerated or is simply completely false. All I can say is, while the President is visiting here in California, firefighters had better keep a very close eye on Trump’s size extra, extra large golf pants, because if that “liar, liar's pants catch fire” - the last thing we need here in California, is for yet another blaze to break out. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Study Right Finds Belly Button Positioning Important:  US scientists say they have an explanation as to why African-Americans appear to dominate on the running track, while whites excel more in the swimming pool - claiming it’s all primarily due to the position of their belly-buttons.  Ironically, a follow-up study concluded that researchers who spend their time studying belly-button positioning - most likely have their heads positioned well up their rectum. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Using Satellites to Measure Ocean Volume:   A group of scientists at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution have been using satellite measurements to get new estimates to determine the volume of water that’s in the ocean.  I can see how knowing the ocean’s volume could be valuable.  After all, if everyone keeps dumping their crap in there, one day we may end up having to drain everything. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Erectile Dys...

Trump Faces Backlash Over California Wildfire Tweets:  President Trump has once again created a huge public outcry after he showed little or no compassion toward California wildfire victims by inaccurately claiming the catastrophic fires were due to “gross mismanagement of our forests” - and then threatening to withhold federal aid.   Gee, that makes me wonder, has Donald Trump ever even been in a forest?  I mean, Trump seems like the kind of guy who’d think he’s deep in the wilderness if he happened to walk past the sporting goods section in a Walmart store.  Not that he’d ever be seen in a Walmart store, that’s just a place where his followers can afford to shop. The irony about Trump’s “forest management” tweets is that most of the fire danger isn’t coming from forests, but from the millions and millions of acres of dry brush sitting on all of California’s extremely rugged, mountainous terrain.  Why it would be next to impossible to clear all of tha...

Kentucky Claims Gay Marriage Threatens State’s Birth Rates:  Republican legislators in Kentucky claim their ban on gay marriage should be retained because gay marriage threatens the stability of the state's birth rates.  Who they trying to kid?  Hell, in a state like Kentucky, sheep and horses pose a bigger threat to birth rates than gay marriage ever will.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Sears Reportedly Preparing to File for Bankruptcy Protection:  It’s being reported that Sears Holdings Corp is preparing to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in the coming days following years of declining sales, casting doubt over the survival of what was once the world’s largest retailer.  I guess with all the online competition from Amazon, its getting harder and harder for Sears to make a decent Roebuck. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Shocked to Find that Our Sun’s Almost Perfectly Round:  Scientists say t...

Neanderthal DNA Deep in Human Genes:   People of Asian and European descent, almost anyone with origins outside of Africa, - have inherited a sliver of DNA from the Neanderthals - some of them may protect modern humans against infections.  Yea, well I just had my DNA tested by 23 and Me and to say my family has Neanderthal genes would apparently be giving us an upgrade.  In fact, they sent me what was basically an apology letter saying “sorry, but we have no idea where the hell any of the crap we found in your lineage comes from.  May you and your family find comfort in the fact that the statutes of limitations don’t go back 10,000 years.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Lawsuit Claims LaCroix Beverages Contain Cockroach Poison:  The makers of the wildly popular sparkling water LaCroix, which has become a phenomenon over the past year, were hit with a lawsuit alleging the beverage contains "non-natural flavorings," including an ingredient said t...

Dunkin’ Drops Donuts From its Name:   Restaurant chain Dunkin’ Donuts announced it’s dropping the word “Donuts” from its name and renaming itself simply “Dunkin’,” which will align itself with the company’s emphasis on coffee and other beverages.  In related news, Starbucks announced they will be dropping the “Star” part of their name and simply calling themselves “Bucks,” which will align itself with the company’s emphasis on charging a small fortune for insanely overrated coffee. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Studying Urban Coyotes Say They are Monogamous:  Scientists at Ohio State University who study coyotes living in an urban environment claim that they are completely monogamous and that couples pair-off for life.  Wow, imagine that?  I had no idea that scientists at Ohio State were monogamous. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com      NASA Warns Human Activity Causing Earth to Wobble:  New resear...

Hurricane Florence Leaves Thousands of Dead Fish on I-40:   Authorities report that the massive flooding caused by Hurricane Florence has resulted in thousands of dead fish washing up onto Interstate 40, leaving behind a horrible stench when the flood waters finally receded.   In response, Fox News say it is investigating whether some of those fish may have swum up from Mexican waters and were in the area illegally.  In addition, President Trump says he has people looking into the possibility that Hillary or Barack Obama may have been sending dead fish down to the area as bogus email attachments.   Personally, I don’t know about any of that, but one thing I do know is - if Scott Pruitt were still running the EPA, all those damn fish would have been dead by now from industrial pollution and this horrible stench North Carolina is facing would never have occurred. That said, health insurers have issued a statement claiming all the fish that died had pre-ex...

Trump’s Claims to Have Tremendous New Trade Deal with Mexico:  After months of fractious negotiations, President Donald Trump announced that his administration has reached an understanding with Mexico on a tremendous new 16-year trade deal which will replace the current North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA).  And while no has any real idea exactly what the hell’s in it, I do have to admit that it does sounds a lot like the greatest trade deal ever negotiated in the history of the world.  My only questions are 1) does this mean the administration will be issuing another commemorative coin like they did for North Korea treaty and 2) does it include a check covering Mexico’s payment to build Trump’s wall and 3) how is this expected to impact the price of chalupas off the food truck in the parking lot outside my Target store? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Link Air Pollution Exposure To Cognitive Decline:   Researchers conducted math an...

Some Suspect Earth’s Magnetic Poles About to Flip:   A new theory being proposed is that the Earth’s magnetic poles may be about to flip for the first time in 786,000 years.  Scientists say that even if it does happen, humans should be OK overall - but birds who typically migrate using magnetic guidance may now be forced to download the Waze app in order to navigate their way past Cleveland every summer.  Otherwise, about the only other thing people will notice is that they’ll now need to place the batteries into their electronic devices backwards. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Last Ice Age Affected Breastfeeding in Native Americans:   Scientists at UC Berkeley say that the last ice age may have caused a genetic mutation in Native Americans which causes the breasts to provide more fat and vitamin D to infants.  So I’m guessing before that, the only thing available in breastfeeding was either 2% or skim milk?  http://www.johnnyrobish.com...

CIA Director Mike Pompeo Met Secretly With Kim Jong-un:  The Washington Post is re[porting that CIA Director Mike Pompeo secretly met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un over the Easter weekend.  Now about the only question that remains to be answered is - can they convince Kim to agree to offer Trump asylum after the Mueller investigation closes in? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Starbucks to Close All Stores in May for Racial Bias Training:   Starbucks announced it will close all 8,000 of its US stores for the afternoon of May 29th, while it conducts what it called “racial bias training” in light of the recent arrest of two black men who were waiting in one the coffee giant’s Philadelphia locations.  Hell, Starbucks employees don’t need no stinking training.  They appear to be pretty damn good at racial bias already. http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Scientists Say Meteorite Filled with Diamonds are From Lost Planet:  Scient...

Green-Haired Turtle that Breathes Through Genitals Added to Endangered List:  The Mary River turtle of Queensland, Australia, which breaths through its genitals and sports a punky green Mohican hairdo, has been placed on a new list of the most vulnerable reptile species on the planet.  Now, of course, we’ve all known people who talk out of their ass, but come on - breathing through your genitals is quite a feat.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Finds Flat Earth Believers Tend to Be Young:  A new survey found that 34 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds entertain some doubts about whether the Earth is actually round.  Good grief, sounds like we flat out need to see that these millennials get a more well-rounded education.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Huge-Nosed Dinosaur Found in Utah:  Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur which had a humongous nose that lived 76-million years ago in what is now Utah.  Ironically, if ...

Trump Hires 22-Year-Old Disney Star to Work in White House Press Office:   CNN is reporting that 22-year-old Caroline Sunshine, best known for her work on the Disney Channel show “Shake It Up,” has just been hired to work in the White House press office.   You’re kidding - he’s hired someone named Caroline Sunshine?  Come on - is that supposed to be her real name or her stripper name?  Now wait a second, we’ve just gone from Stormy to Sunshine?  Don’t try and tell me climate change is a hoax!   On the other hand, I suppose hiring a Disney star makes sense when you consider the Trump Administration is basically a Mickey Mouse operation anyway.  Trump’s basically turned the White House into an amusement park.  And if one didn’t know better, one might conclude that Ms Sunshine got the job simply because she looks exactly like a younger version of favorite daughter Ivanka…oh wait! http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes Interview Attracted 22 Million Viewers:  CBS’s “60 Minutes” Anderson Cooper interview with pornographic film actress Stormy Daniels has garnered the highest ratings for the program in nearly a decade, drawing 22 million viewers.  Gotta give Anderson Cooper credit then, because its a pretty damn safe bet Donald Trump didn’t go 60 minutes with her. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Trump Admin Throwing Out 60 Russian Diplomats:  The White House announced that they are throwing out 60 Russian diplomats in response to the poisoning of a former Russian spy in the UK.  In related news, Trump administration officials have just announced plans to reclassify Stormy Daniels as a Russian diplomat.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Trump to Throw Transgender Troops Out of the Armed Forces:   If President Trump goes through with plans to throw transgender people out of the military, experts warn this could very well create ...

Triceratops May Have Had Horns to Attract Mates:  A study published in a Royal Society journal found that the aggressive-looking armor of horned dinosaurs such as Triceratops, may actually have evolved to signal an animal's suitability as a sexual partner - known as socio-sexual selection.  Or, to put it another way, these guys were pretty damned horny.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com        Trump Called Putin to Congratulate Him on His Election Victory:  President Trump told reporters that he called Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his election victory, and plans to meet with the Russian President in the near future, but did not discuss the recent nerve-agent attack in Britain.  What does Trump care about nerve gas attacks?  Hell, Trump’s got his own private stash of nerve gas - Agent Orange! http://www.johnnyrobish.com Ben Carson Blames $31,000 Office Dining Set on His Wife:   Department ...

Trump EPA Chief Has Unusual Waiver to Fly in First Class:   The Environmental Protection Agency is refusing to release the written waiver that allows Administrator Scott Pruitt to fly regularly in first or business class for security reasons - a practice that sets him apart both from his predecessors and other current Cabinet members.  I get it - I mean, if you’re the head of an agency promoting a clean environment, the last thing you wanna do is be associated with all that disgusting filth sitting back in coach. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Bill Gates Announces Foundation to Focus on Conquering Polio:  Bill Gates announced that one of the top priorities of his foundation will be to finally completely wipe out polio.  If successful conquering polio, Gate’s will then focus on ridding humanity of what he considers to be an even bigger plight - the Mac Operating System.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Man Holds Up Waffle House With Pitc...

Arnold Schwarzenegger to Star in TV Western for Amazon:   Arnold Schwarzenegger is set to star in Outrider , an Oklahoma western - set in back in late 1800’s and being developed by Amazon.  Now wait a minute - as if Native Americans didn’t have enough to deal with back in those days, now Amazon’s gonna inundate their ancestral homeland with former Austrian bodybuilders and multi-grain protein bars?  http://www.johnnyrobish.com  Trump Refuses to Release Democrats’ Memo:   Shortly after President Trump released a Republican classified memo despite similar warnings about security implications, he has decided not to release the Democratic rebuttal, claiming it contains data too sensitive too release.  Wow, too sensitive to release?  Sounds like this memo must contain some actual facts. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Chicago Approves Ban On Plastic Shopping Bags:  With the backing of Mayor Rahm Emanuel, Chicago has become the la...

Quincy Jones Claims Richard Pryor and Marlon Brando Were Lovers:   In a recent interview with New York Magazine, famed music producer Quincy Jones claimed that Richard Pryor and Marlon Brando were lovers back in the 70’s and that Brando would screw just about anything, including a mailbox.  Well, perhaps its a good thing he’s dead then, because I’d hate to have to try and find a condom that’ll fit over my mailbox.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Tesla Announces Largest Quarterly Loss Ever:   Tech pioneer Elon Musk’s Tesla electric car and energy storage company has announced huge losses of $675.4m in the three months ending December 31st.  Not to be critical, but perhaps if they’d consider selling the cars instead of launching them into space - the bottom line might look a little better. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Solo Rock Stars at Greater Risk to Die Early:  A new study found that solo rock stars are four times more likely to die y...