You've Got to Be Kidding?

When asked directly by a 9-year-old at a town hall in New Hampshire Thursday evening, Republican candidate for president Nikki Haley said that she “ would issue a pardon” for Donald Trump if she becomes president.   Ron DeSantis, while doing his best to be evasive, implied something similar a few months ago.   Haley then added that she would do this because having an 80-year-old man sitting in jail would continue to divide our country, and our nation needs healing. Oh, I get it.  She feels putting an 80-year-old man in jail would further divide our country.   That is, unless that 80-year-old man just happens to be named Joe Biden - and then it’s “Lock him up!”   But I get the point she and the Republicans are making here.   They don’t want a criminal like Trump “dividing the country” while he’s in jail.   They’d prefer he be walking the streets as a free man when he’s “dividing the country." So, Nikki Haley says she will pardon Trump because even if he...

Far Right Trump Supporters Promising Civil War is Imminent:  On a highway about 100 miles southeast of Las Vegas, a gathering of heavily armed, far-right Trump supporters, including white nationalists and conspiracy theorists, gathered for a festival called “Trumpstock,” booked as a gathering of “real Americans” celebrating President Donald Trump - with many attendees promising a full-fledged civil war, in the event President Trump should not be reelected or impeached. Because nothing shows your “patriotic support” for American democracy, like threatening violence and civil war if your candidate isn’t reelected.  But I see their point.  I mean, it isn’t like for the past 238 years - America has peacefully accepted the outcome of our presidential elections. Why, if I were one of those “real Americans,” next time I needed dental work done, or had a child in need of medical attention, rather than go to one of those snotty, untrustworthy “coastal elites” for assis...

Mueller Report Concludes Donald Trump Jr. Too Ignorant to Prosecute:   Donald Trump Jr. has taken to social media to brag about how he emerged from the Mueller investigation uncharged, even though it appears from the report that Mueller’s team essentially declined to prosecute him after concluding he was simply too ignorant to have knowingly committed the crime. Wow - so I'm guessing that means Tiffany is the smartest Trump after all?  On the other hand, let’s give Don Jr. a little credit.  I mean, you have to be pretty darn smart to convince Robert Mueller you’re stupid.  Sounds a lot like a classic genius move to me.  You know Don Jr. comes from a family of stable geniuses - don’t you? Of course, in all fairness, I think it’s safe to say that most hard-core Trump supporters in places like Tennessee, Alabama and West Virginia would likely be the first to admit that if Don Jr. had really been all that smart, he would have married Ivanka. Anyway, ...

Ben Carson Says He’ll Step Down After Trump's First Term:   Housing and Urban Development [HUD] Secretary Ben Carson has reportedly told right-wing Newsmax TV that he will leave his cabinet post at the end of President Trump’s first term in office and return to the private sector.  Wow, who in the hell woke up Ben Carson?  Good grief, I don’t believe we’ve heard anything from him since he bought that trillion dollar dining set for his HUD office - and then tried to blame it all on his wife.  Say what you want about Carson though, but we have to give him credit for being the first person with narcolepsy to ever hold a major cabinet post.     So, he’s stepping down and returning to the private sector?  I suppose that’s fine if that’s what he wants - but frankly, I don’t quite get why he’d need to step down when no one even remembered he was there to begin with.  So, wonder what’s next on the Ben Carson agenda - open up an art gallery an...

Stormy Daniels’ Lawyer Avenatti Arrested for Domestic Violence:   TMZ is reporting that Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti has been arrested in Los Angeles on a felony domestic violence charge against his estranged wife Lisa Storie Avenatti, but she has issued a statement to NBC claiming that Avenatti has “never been violent with her.”  Wow, one way or the other, it sounds like this guy’s gonna need himself a pretty good lawyer.  I’m not sure about this, but I think Michael Cohen is available.  One thing’s for sure, if he does get convicted, I think it’s a pretty safe bet Donald Trump isn’t going to pardon him.    https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Spot Possible Giant Impact Crater Under Greenland Ice:   A team of scientists say they’ve spotted a huge 20-mile wide scar hidden below a melting ice sheet in Greenland - which they believe to be an impact crater from a giant iron meteorite.  Meanwhile, Trump officials expre...

Melania Demands White House National Security Official Be Fired:   The office of first lady Melania Trump is calling for the ouster of deputy National Security Adviser and John Bolton confidant Mira Ricardel, amid reports that Ricardel quarreled with the first lady's staff during Melania’s recent trip to Africa over seating arrangements on their plane and over the use of National Security Council resources.  So, if I’m understanding all this correctly, we now apparently have Melania Trump making major National Security Council staffing decisions.  I’ve gotta hand it to them, when you factor in the influence of people like son-in-law Jared Kushner, daughter Ivanka, son Don Jr and the rest of the gang, it appears as if the Trumps have managed to transform the entire functioning of the United States Government into kind of a second-rate mom and pop operation. Of course, some are gonna argue that Melania has no business deciding who our National Security advisors...

Trump’s Claims to Have Tremendous New Trade Deal with Mexico:  After months of fractious negotiations, President Donald Trump announced that his administration has reached an understanding with Mexico on a tremendous new 16-year trade deal which will replace the current North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA).  And while no has any real idea exactly what the hell’s in it, I do have to admit that it does sounds a lot like the greatest trade deal ever negotiated in the history of the world.  My only questions are 1) does this mean the administration will be issuing another commemorative coin like they did for North Korea treaty and 2) does it include a check covering Mexico’s payment to build Trump’s wall and 3) how is this expected to impact the price of chalupas off the food truck in the parking lot outside my Target store? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Link Air Pollution Exposure To Cognitive Decline:   Researchers conducted math an...

Enquirer’s David Pecker Kept Safe Full of Documents on Trump:   With the news that he has just been given immunity, employees of the National Enquirer’s parent company are claiming that chairman and Trump ally David Pecker has a safe full of information about Donald Trump’s hush money arrangements and other incriminating documents from which he derives “power.”  Wow, that’s gotta be a pretty large-capacity safe.  But even if David Pecker does turn over Trump’s confidential information to Robert Mueller, Trump shouldn’t feel too bad.  After all, he’s not the first person to get screwed by a Pecker.  But just to be on the safe side, let’s not have Geraldo be the guy who opens that safe. And honestly, I’m starting to think like I may be about the only person on the planet who doesn’t have something I can use to blackmail Trump.  One thing’s for sure, you can expect Trump to soon start accusing the National Enquirer of being "fake news" - which ironic...

Trump Spends His July 4th Tweeting About Hillary’s Emails:   President Trump spent his July 4th holiday at his golf resort in Bendminster, NJ, firing off tweetstorms about “Crooked Hillary’s” e-mails, ranting about some obscure “Pakistani Fraudster” conspiracy theory and labeling the Mueller probe a “Rigged Witch Hunt.”   Yea - well, the question is, which witch hunt is he talking about anyway?  Its getting hard to keep track of them all without the benefit of a scorecard.  I mean, so far - five of the witches have already plead guilty, one witch has been sentenced and a bunch more witches are reportedly cooperating with investigators.   Its like Trump Tower has turned into a huge gingerbread house and Robert Mueller is taking great big bites.  And while we’re on the subject of fairy tales, whatever happened to Pizzagate and the Bowling Green Massacre?  Why hasn’t Mueller looked into them?  Good grief, shouldn’t he be doing something m...

Sources Say John Kelly Called President Trump an Idiot:   Though he is denying it, eight current and former White House officials are claiming that White House chief of staff John Kelly is eroding morale in the West Wing, makes insulting comments about the president's intelligence and casts himself as the savior of the country. Wait a minute, are you telling me John Kelly is claiming he doesn’t really think Trump is an idiot?  Why he must be an idiot.  Put another way, at this point in the Trump presidency, anyone who doesn’t think Trump is an idiot - must be a moron.  Good grief, I’m not sure which would be the worst job, being a latrine cleaner at an interstate rest stop, or President Trump’s chief of staff.   In related news, one source with close ties to Gen Kelly is vehemently denying the idiot accusations, saying she was in the room at the time and she distinctly remembers Gen Kelly calling Trump an imbecile - not an idiot.  Others claim G...

Bill Gates Warns of Pandemic That Could Harm 33 Million:   Bill Gates says the U.S. and other world governments are falling short in preparing the world population for the “significant probability of a large modern-day pandemic occurring in our lifetimes.”  Gates went on to add that if we don’t contain this treat now, its quite possible the majority of computers worldwide could be using the Mac Operating System instead of Windows in just a few short years. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Scientists Can Now Keep Pig’s Brain Alive Outside Its Body:   A team of scientists recently revealed they were able to keep the brain of a pig alive outside of its body for 36 hours after it had been decapitated.  I kind of feel sorry for the brain, because when you’re attached to a piece of equipment like that - its hard to get a head in life.  Always the optimist, the pig’s brain told friends - “don’t worry, I’ll be bacon my feet in no time.” http://www...

Sylvester Stallone Asks Trump To Pardon Boxer Jack Johnson:   After receiving a phone call from his loyal supporter Sylvester Stallone, President Trump tweeted that he’s now considering issuing a presidential pardon for former heavyweight boxing champion Jack Johnson, who was convicted under the Mann Act of transporting his white girlfriend across state lines.      Gee, who knew Donald Trump was a Jack Johnson admirer?  Its almost beginning to sound like President Trump really does care about black people - or at least those who’ve been dead for 75 years.  Of course, in Trump’s defense - its probably a pretty safe bet to assume he has no idea whether or not Jack Johnson’s even dead.   But why now - and out of the blue - all of a sudden?  I’m sure it didn’t have anything to do with stealing some of the thunder away from former First Lady Barbara Bush’s funeral.  And gee, wonder if Trump’s Jack Johnson enthusiasm would’ve have been ...