You've Got to Be Kidding?

Many Red States Restoring Gun Rights for the Mentally Ill:  Despite the ever-rising number of gun deaths in the United States, new data indicate that many red states have been increasingly restoring the right to carry firearms to people who’ve previously lost that right, due to serious mental illness.   Meanwhile, the NRA is strongly defending the move as “absolutely necessary,” pointing out that the last thing we need to be doing during these stressful times is leaving our nation’s mentally ill, completely defenseless against a much better-equipped, extremely well-armed - imaginary enemy.   The NRA further argued that providing these vulnerable citizens with needed weaponry is especially critical during a pandemic, when folks such as paranoid schizophrenics may not be receiving their medications as frequently as they normally do, thereby increasing the perceived threat against them - by at least tenfold. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

People Having Trouble Finding Face Masks:  As some cities and states are considering making it mandatory to wear face masks when you leave home, many are reporting that it’s nearly impossible to find anyone who sells masks that can be delivered before summer. That said, here are some folks who are obviously a helluva lot smarter than me, who seem to have solved that problem. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump EPA to Limit Science Used in Determining Public Health Policy:   Fearful that scientific research might interfere with their plans to dismantle pollution and climate change regulations, the Trump Administration is preparing to significantly limit the scientific and medical research that the government can use to determine public health regulations, overriding protests from scientists and physicians who claim this would undermine the scientific underpinnings of government policymaking. Wow, sounds like EPA scientists have just become our new “Public Enemy Number One.”  I suppose it’s not all that surprising.  I mean, I seriously doubt if any of the clowns Trump has appointed to the EPA would even understand the scientific method if it slapped them right in the face.  Hell, Trump can barely read, let alone understand some fancy-pants, scientific proposal.  Now what I don’t get is, if we limit the input of scientific and medical research, then what...

Candidate Vows to Keep Marysville, Mich a White Community:  During a council forum in Marysville, Mich, Republican candidate Jean Cramer shocked attendees by vowing that Marysville needs to remain “white community as much as possible,” adding that the Bible says a “husband and wife and their kids need to be of the same race.” Gee, since it’s pretty well established historically that Jesus Christ couldn’t have been white, I assume that means Jesus himself wouldn’t have been all that welcome if he tried to settle in beautiful, downtown Marysville. You know, I always find it rather interesting how people having the right to be who they are - and to marry whomever they wish, is somehow looked upon as an attack on Christianity by these half-wits. Of course, I’m sure folks like Jean Cramer will be quick to inform you that there’s no question in her mind Jesus Christ was white.  And she may just have a point.  I mean, doesn’t her Bible have lots and lots of pictu...

Trump Supporters and Anti-Semitism:  Just got into an argument in Starbucks with some half-witted Trump supporter about anti-Semitism, and this guy tells me he "doesn't have an antisymmetric bone in his body." I just looked at him and said "maybe not, but you're certainly asymmetric - how else you gonna explain that fucking haircut?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Half of All Americans Are Lonely:   A recent study found that nearly half of all Americans polled today say they’re lonely.  Well, then I suppose it’s a lucky thing the pollsters contacted them.  Give them someone to talk to. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Repeal of Child Labor Laws:  I’m guessing this means the Trump administration was finally able to repeal US child labor laws.

Louisiana Woman Claims Meth Found in Her Groin Area Not Hers:   Police say that shortly after her arrest, a Louisiana woman tried to convince them that she had no idea where the meth found in her groin area came from. Now come on, before you laugh - it’s possible she's on the up-and-up.  I’ll tell ya one thing, if I had a nickel for every time the cops found meth in one of my body parts - I sure as hell wouldn’t be out here on Hollywood Blvd selling bogus maps to the star’s homes like I am today.   Besides, maybe she was just renting it out to someone - you know, like one of those self-storage lockers you see over there on Olympic Blvd in West LA.  That said, police say further investigation also turned up four gold watches, two new iPads along with cyber fugitive Edward Snowden. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Florida Man Impersonating Police Officer Pulls Over Real Deputy:   A Florida man found himself in some hot water for pretending to be a police officer, after he pulled over an off-duty cop while driving his souped-up, jet-black Crown Victoria. Wow, sounds like the Mensa meeting must have let out a bit early that day.  Now, the poor schmuck's gonna have to sell that Crown Victoria to pay a lawyer.  Frankly, while I admit this article was rather amusing, all I really needed to see was the term “Florida Man,” and the rest of the story pretty much just wrote itself.  Now, in all fairness - I suppose in Donald Trump’s Florida, this guy may very well be considered as kind of an “alternative” cop.  And, I suppose a good argument could be made about “what’s the big deal anyway?  After all, don’t we have some guy from New York sitting in the White House right now, impersonating a President?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Target Registers Crash and Customers Wait Hours to Check Out:   Target cash registers across the country simultaneously malfunctioned due to a systems issue, creating massively long waits in line, with many customers waiting for 2 hours or more.   Frankly, I’m a wee bit concerned about the mental health of those folks who chose to wait in line all that time.  I mean, it isn’t exactly like there won’t be loads of cheap bedsheets, pillowcases and plastic storage bins sitting on their shelves tomorrow or the next day.    On the other hand, let’s get real here - if you can afford to waste hours on end, standing in the checkout line at Target, I think it’s pretty safe to assume you really don’t all that much to do anyway.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Companies and Pro Athletes Rushing to Jump on the CBD Wagon:   As the legal landscape for marijuana in the US rapidly changes, many companies as well as some well-known athletes like Lamar Odom, are in a frenzy to launch their own products containing cannabidiol (CBD) - a cannabis extract believed to address a whole host of health and pain issues, but without the psychoactive effects of THC. Wait a minute - Lamar Odom is recommending CBD?  Now, while I’m a huge fan of CBD, let’s be honest here - is there actually any drug anywhere that Lamar Odom doesn't recommend?     But I get why people would wanna buy their CBD from Lamar.  Because when you’re looking for ways to stay healthy, Lamar Odom would of course be right up there at the top of the list of people you’d wanna hear from. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

GOP Lawmaker Tells Pro-Vaccine Medical Expert to Stop Advocating Sorcery:  During testimony before a legislative committee, Texas GOP State Rep. Jonathan Stickland confronted Texas pediatrician-scientist and vaccine advocate Dr. Peter Hotez, telling him that vaccines are nothing but sorcery and extremely dangerous, scientists are “typical leftists, trying to take credit for something only the Lord God Almighty is in control of,” and that people who think otherwise are nothing but “brainwashed commies.” Gee, Rep. Strickland sure makes some good points, but I’d like to add to that if I may.  Sorcery is also how that light comes on when your refrigerator door opens, sorcery is how they can make people small enough to fit inside your television set and sorcery is how those big, heavy, silver airplanes manage to stay way up in the air. If you ask me, what Rep. Strickland needs to do is find himself a doctor that even his church pastor would approve of.  That’ll strai...

French Telecom Giant Orange Sued After 19 Suicides:   French telecom giant “Orange” is being sued for moral harassment as well as other charges, after 19 employees killed themselves and another 12 attempted suicide over a period of three-years - with hundreds of employees blaming the company’s toxic work culture for much of the employees’ mental health issues.   Word has it the telecom giant initially tried to explain it all away by claiming these employees just decided they didn’t wanna go on living anymore after being told that American comedian Jerry Lewis was dead. Of course, here in America, we have our own “orange” problem, in the form of an orange President - whom, I suspect, has made more than a few of people - wish they that were dead. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Only Vaccinated Passengers Allowed Off Quarantined Scientology Ship:   Health officials in Curacao say only those who’ve already been vaccinated or have previously had the measles will be allowed to leave the quarantined Scientology “cruise ship” Freewinds. Good grief, the horror those passengers on that ship must be facing is almost incomprehensible.  No, I’m not talking about the measles, but the horror of being stuck indefinitely abroad a Scientology ship. Personally, I’m almost as concerned about the spread of Scientology as I am about the spread of the measles.  Especially, when you consider Scientology is a disease known to completely overwhelm an otherwise rational mind, basically eliminating one’s ability to exercise critical thinking.   And before you know it, victims find themselves uttering insane things such as “you know, what Donald Trump’s saying - sure makes a lot of sense.”  On thing’s for sure, the unhealthiest thing about that s...

Poll Finds Americans Among the Most Stressed-Out in the World:   A new Gallup poll found that Americans are among the most stressed-out people in the world, reporting stress, anger and worry at the highest levels in more than a decade.  Oddly, data show that among the most stressed-out Americans are the comedians, who say they never know where their next joke’s gonna come from.  Oh wait, yes they do - it’s gonna come directly from the White House - never mind, my mistake! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Hundreds of Thousands of Viruses Found in the Oceans:   According to researchers at Ohio State University, Earth’s oceans contain almost 200,000 different virus populations.  Now normally, I’d say “well, why not just give the ocean a flu shot,” but of course - that’s just a silly idea.  I mean, insurance companies would obviously claim that the viruses are a “pre-existing condition.”    https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com S...

Trump Claims Noise From Wind Farms Cause Cancer:   During an especially bizarre meeting with NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg in the Oval Office, President Donald Trump repeatedly used the word “oranges” instead of the term “origins” - and then, moved on to falsely claim that the noise from wind turbines cause cancer. Gee, Trump confused the word origins with oranges?  Now I don’t wanna sound critical, but this guy’s starting to make the language-impaired George W. Bush look like frigg’in Shakespeare.  In his defense though, the White House is now claiming the President most likely used the word “orange” after he became distracted by his own image in the mirror across from his table.  Adding to that, we now have Trump also claiming that windmills cause cancer.  Which is quite interesting coming from a guy who refuses to believe that asbestos causes mesothelioma.  Personally, I suspect what concerns Mr Trump about windmills is not really ...

Roseanne Barr Blames Sara Gilbert Tweet for Ruined Career:   Donald Trump supporter Roseanne Barr is back in the news again, this time directing all her anger and vitriol on former co-star Sara Gilbert, whom she says destroyed both her TV show and her life with a tweet critical of Roseanne’s racist comments about Valerie Jarrett - then comparing Gilbert to Hannibal Lecter. Gee, seems like it was only last week when Roseanne was blaming Michelle Obama for this whole mess.  And before that, she blamed her firing on anti-semitism over at ABC.  Of course, let us not forget, she originally blamed everything on the drug Ambien.  My, my - who knows who or what she’ll blame next?  My guess is - it will either be the athlete’s foot anti-fungal medication Tinactin, or the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of the former Austro-Hungarian Empire.  But then again, what the hell do I know about the Austro-Hungarian Empire?  That said, it’s dif...

Detroit Bound Greyhound Bus Strikes Tree and Rolls Over:  It’s being reported that an overnight Greyhound bus - traveling from Cincinnati to Detroit went off the road, struck a tree and then rolled over into a field - yet luckily, no one was killed or seriously injured.  OK, but let’s be honest here folks - if you ever find yourself taking a Greyhound Bus from Cincinnati to Detroit in the middle of the night, isn’t your life pretty much over anyway? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Many Food Establishments Don’t Want Trump Endorsement:  A recent report in the Washington Post found that presidential endorsements of things such as food items no longer carry the prestige they once had as many establishments don’t wish to be associated with the Trump presidency.  On the other hand, unless they’re serving things like burnt meat with ketchup and mustard slopped all over them, I would assume most restaurants have very little to worry about.  htt...

China Including More Women in Their Astronaut Program:  Fans of social equality are praising China’s move to include more females in their space program, including 33-year-old Chinese military pilot Liu Yang who became the country’s first woman in space.  Interesting, because I always suspected my ex-girlfriend secretly wanted to be an astronaut too.  Hell, she was always talking about “I need my space.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Poll Finds Southerners Less Likely to Visit Dentist:   According to a new Gallup poll, residents of Southern states are much less likely to visit the dentist than anywhere else in the nation.  Guess that explains the "last dentist for 60 miles” highway sign I saw when I drove through Alabama last year.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Giving Monetary Rewards Help People Shed Pounds:  Researchers at the Mayo Clinic made the recent discovery that people who received financial inc...

Vatican Defrocks Former US Cardinal McCarrick for Sex Abuse:   Former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick has been found guilty by the Vatican of sex abuse and defrocked, becoming the highest-ranking churchman and the first cardinal to be punished by dismissal from the clerical state. Sooooo, it seems McCarrick can no longer celebrate mass, perform sacraments, wear clerical vestments or be addressed by his religious title - oh, in other words - he can no longer play “dress up” while he’s inside the church.  Now of course - it isn’t simply the Catholics.  The Protestants have been in on the action too.  Newly released documents show that over the past decade, more than 250 staffers and volunteers with Southern Baptist churches have been “charged with sex crimes” against more than 700 victims.   And come on - this McCarrick is now 88-years-old!  Interesting how they wait until the until the guy’s just moments away from becoming compost before doing anythin...

Duck Dynasty Patriarch Claims God Made Him Immortal:   In a recent interview with FOX Business Network host Neil Cavuto, Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson attacked Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Kamala Harris for advocating affordable healthcare for all - claiming that he has no need for affordable healthcare because “God made him immortal.” Go ahead and laugh, but I think Phil may actually have a valid point here.  I mean, if God really wanted us all to be able to afford medical care, he'd have made us all rich by inventing some new type of duck call.    And I love the fact that God’s made Phil “immortal.”  In fact, that sounds like just the perfect quote to engrave on Phil’s tombstone.  Of course, there’s always the distinct possibility that Phil may be confused and that  God actually made him “immoral,” not “immortal.”  Or, who knows - maybe Phil just has Mad Duck Disease? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Women Found to Be More Charitable Than Men:   According to a study conducted by the Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University, women at nearly every income level are significantly more charitable than men.  I can certainly testify to that.  I’m mean, just ask any woman I’ve ever dated and she’ll be sure to tell you that she was “just being charitable.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Hitler’s Last Surviving Food Taster Writes Tell-All Book:  Margot Woelk, Hitler’s last surviving food taster, has decided at age 95 to tell all about the two and a half years she spent as one of 15 young women who sampled the führer’s gourmet vegetarian dishes to ensure that they weren’t poisoned.  I’ll have to assume this wasn’t the kind of job situation where you could just one day tell them “no thanks, I’m dieting.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Survey Finds Less Than 1 In 10 Americans Sleep Naked:  According to a poll of 3,700 peop...