You've Got to Be Kidding?

Creationist Pastor Claims Evolution is Racist Because African-Americans Still Exist:   Controversial Christian creationist Pastor Matt Powell, insisted in a recent video that evolution is not only a lie, but also a “racist religion,” because it “promotes survival of the fittest.”   Powell claims that evolution says “we evolved from African-Americans,” and then wonders how can that be, when there are “other Americans” and how can we still have “African Americans” if “we” evolved from them?   Well, these are all excellent questions, assuming you’re suffering from a very severe head injury.  Now, first of all, its important to point out that no anthropologist has ever said that “we” evolved from “African-Americans.”  I hate to break it to Pastor Powell and his flock, but a simple Google search ought to quickly inform them that actually - “America” and “African-Americans” weren’t even really a “thing” several million years ago.  And, while evolution is an o...

Experts Say Insects May Be the Food of the Future:   Experts say current livestock practices simply won’t keep up with the worldwide food demands, and with livestock farming contributing to deforestation, diminishing water resources and greenhouse gases, scientists have been looking for alternative protein sources to meet the world’s nutritional needs - including plant-based proteins, lab-grown meat and especially insects, which are high in protein.   OK - got it!  “Waiter, I'll have the roach beast sandwich, an order of flies and a chocolate snake.”  And while some of you may balk at the thought of eating insects, let’s get real - anyone who regularly eats at places like Denny’s is certainly no stranger to eating bugs.  Besides, the way I look at it, if YouTube influencers can eat TidePods, there’s no reason the rest of us can’t eat a few bugs. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

23andMe Lays Off 100 People as DNA Test Sales Decline:   Home DNA-testing company 23andMe will be laying off about 100 people, or 14% of its staff, in the wake of declining sales - a decline CEO Anne Wojcicki admitted took her by surprise. Gee, too bad it never occurred to her that this isn’t exactly the kind of business that has repeat customers.  I mean, just how many times does someone actually need to have their DNA tested - even though spitting into a test tube can be a helluva lot of fun.   After all, it’s not like your DNA or your ancestry’s gonna change over time - that is, unless you’re Michael Jackson.  Now, if it were running 23andMe, I’d drop all the damn DNA testing - and start looking at the fossil records.  I mean, anthropologists need jobs too. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Mnuchin Tries to Delay Trump’s Travel Costs Disclosures Until After Election:   Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin is reportedly trying to prevent the Secret Service from revealing how much money it has spent protecting President Trump and his adult children on all their travels - until after the November election. Gee, for being “the most transparent administration in all of history,” Trump sure seems to like to hide a lot of information.   I mean, for a guy who heavily criticized Obama when he’d play an occasional round of golf, turns out Mr Trump has played golf once for every 3.5 days he's been in the White House.   In fact, estimates now put Trump’s golfing expenses at nearly $121,000,000.  All I can say is, Trump may not be the best President we’ve ever had, but he’s sure the most expensive.   And folks, that’s just the golf!  Then, there’s all the dough we have to spend for all those endless Trump pep rallies, not to mention the mo...

Calabasas Community Vows to Never Forget:   Just walked into the local Starbucks here in Calabasas and to my surprise, I notice a sign on the front door reading "Stick together Calabasas - we will never forget!" Now, wait a minute, just what the hell would Calabasas people be worrying about forgetting? Where they parked the Range Rover? Where Kim Kardashian lives? Where to get on the Ventura Freeway if you wanna head north towards Santa Barbara? http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say This Blue Zircon Crystal is Oldest Fragment on Earth:  Scientists using two different age-determining techniques have shown that a tiny zircon blue crystal found on a sheep ranch in western Australia is the oldest known piece of our planet, dating back to 4.4 billion years ago.  Researchers caution that while these dating techniques work fine on blue crystal, they are unlikely to work on actors such as Billy Crystal - and that you’d actually need to look at his driver’...

Half-Ton Birds Were Roaming Europe When Humans Arrived:   Scientists report that giant, flightless birds, so large that they actually dwarfed modern ostriches and weighed-in at nearly half a ton, were roaming Europe at the same time the first archaic humans arrived in the area from Africa.   Look, I’m obviously no paleontologist, but if I’m understanding this article correctly - they’re basically explaining to us that just as we once had some banks that became “too big to fail,” Europe had itself a bunch of half-ton birds who became “too fat to fly?” OK, so the birds were a little on the chunky size.  We get that.  Not to sound critical of our scientific community, but just what the hell is point of “fat-shaming” a bunch of extinct, half ton, flightless birds at this stage of the game?  Especially, when they’re no longer here to defend themselves.  Besides, maybe they were just “big-boned?”  You big-shot paleontologists ever think about t...

Harvard’s Robotic Insects Finally Take Flight:   Researchers at Harvard University say they have designed and built a new, breakthrough type of solar-powered robotic insect that is capable of true, untethered flight.   Good grief, I’ve been fighting insect infestations every summer for years and years, and now you tell me their designing mechanical ones?  I mean, just what I need - a solar-powered fly to land in my soup! Kind of makes you wonder, what the hell’s next - robotic rodent infestations?  Then, I suppose, we’ll all need to purchase a bunch of specially-designed robotic cats to try and catch the damn things.  For crying out loud - please make it all stop! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Report Warns Human Civilization Likely to End by 2050:   A chilling Australian policy paper outlining a “Doomsday Scenario" for humanity, suggests that if action isn’t taken soon, we will witness irreversible damage to global climate systems and by the year 2050 - a world of chaos and political panic will be the norm, sending humanity down a path toward the end of civilization as we know it. Of course, Republican leaders will counter that this will only affect people living in 2050, not wealthy, older white men alive today - so who cares?  Besides, it appears John Bolton already has a plan to rid mother Earth of much of its "excess humanity" by provoking WW III, long before climate change ever becomes a serious issue. That said, I’ve also noticed that the more cunning of Republicans have finally evolved their public posture from one of completely denying climate change exists - to one of admitting climate change may be happening, but denying the...

UK Student’s Nissan Entirely Covered With 20,000 Bees:  A student in Portsmouth, England recently awoke to a living nightmare - 20,000 bees covering his Nissan Micra - which was parked just outside of his home.   A neighbor yelled out that somebody ought to call the police, but it turned out the cops were already on the way due to all the buzz this incident was generating.  When police finally arrived and asked who owned the car, the student’s girlfriend told them “this car belongs to my honey.”  The cops looked over at the car and said “wow, now that’s what I call one sweet ride.”   Anyway, after clearing out all the bees from the vehicle, police told the grateful student to “bee careful” where he parks his car from now on. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Scientists Create New Life Form Using Human-Made DNA:   Scientists announced they’ve created a living organism whose DNA is entirely human-made - which experts are calling a new form of life and a milestone in the field of synthetic biology.   Wow, how exciting!  And to think those new organisms will now have their whole “artificial lives” ahead of them.  Hell, perhaps Lori Loughlin could even give them some useful tips about how to get their “artificial offspring” accepted into USC. On the other hand, if they’re anything like us, in a couple of generations, they’ll be complaining about how the quality of “artificial life” has gone way down from what it used to be. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Neanderthals Split From Humans Much Earlier Than Thought:   A new study suggests that modern humans may have split from our closest relatives the Neanderthals over 800,000 years ago, hundreds of thousands of years earlier than had been previously thought.  That said, researchers say they still managed to get together every year or so for family reunions. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Jeff Bezos Envisions Space Habitats Housing a Trillion People:   During a recent secretive event in Washington DC, Jeff Bezos outlined his ambitious, futuristic vision for space colonization, including self-sustaining habitats that could house a trillion people in space and have an ideal climate at all times - like Maui on its best day all year long.  Yea well, good luck meeting Amazon Prime’s two-day delivery promise on that one - Mr Smartypants. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Shocking New Study Reveals Moon is Shrinking Due to Moonquakes:   Accor...

Christian Group Getting Bible Classes Put in Public Schools Nationwide:   Students taking mandatory Bible classes in public school is now becoming increasingly common scene across the US, as other states follow Kentucky’s lead in passing legislation which encourages high schools to teach the Christian Bible. Gee, then I wonder if that means school boards will now start issuing students stone tablets instead of text books?  Just for authenticity, mind you.  But public schools ruled under Christian Law?  OK, but let’s not forget the Book of Leviticus mandates menstruating females be sent to “menstrual huts,” and children who disobey their parents must be killed.  And while that may seem a bit harsh, on a positive note - I guess it’s one sure way to reduce class sizes.  Meanwhile, some parents report that their children were even forced to draw pictures of Adam and Eve walking among the dinosaurs.  Now, just wait a minute, that’s where I have t...

Scientists Monitoring Near-Earth Asteroid 99942 Apophis:   Scientists meeting this week at the 2019 Planetary Defense Conference, say they’re monitoring the 99942 Apophis asteroid which will be coming within 20,000 miles (33,000 kilometers) of the Earth’s surface in just 10 years.  The thing is, by the year 2029, Trump will likely be settling into his 4th term - so if an asteroid suddenly threatens to destroy the Earth, my guess is that after 16 years of Trump, no one will really much care. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Oldest Human Footprint Found in the Americas Confirmed in Chile:   Researchers say a 15,600-year old footprint discovered by a student in southern Chile is believed to be the oldest human footprint ever found in the Americas.  Oddly enough, scientists say the footprint appears to be that of someone wearing size 12 Bruno Magli shoes, but because it’s from well over 15K years ago - they’re rather doubtful it has any connection to t...

Universe Younger and Expanding Faster Than Previously Thought:   A new study led by Nobel Prize winning astronomer Adam Riess found that the universe is actually younger and expanding 9% faster than previously thought, leading many to believe that a "new physics" may be necessary to explain the difference. Now, if I’m understanding all this correctly, the Universe was caught speeding, traveling way faster than the laws of physics permit.  And then, a further investigation also determined that it had been lying about its age all this time?  I’m telling you, kids these days !  Now, I’m certainly no physicist, but I blame it all on that damn “Big Bang” thing. And if all that wasn’t bad enough, scientists now say if this finding is correct and we need a “new physics,” it will have profound ramifications on nearly everything.  One of which is - everyone’s high school and college physics credits will suddenly be invalid, and people will forced to retake tho...

Scientists Have Good Idea About the Origin of the Loch Ness Monster:   A new study suggests that the idea of a Loch Ness monster is a mass delusion triggered by the discovery of long-necked dinosaurs.  Prior to that, only about 10% of people claiming to see mysterious creatures said they were long-necked, but afterwards, that figure grew to over 50%.  Hell, it doesn’t take some scientist to figure out where the idea of a Loch Ness Monster comes from.  Why it comes from the Scottish Board of Tourism.  So, if you’re one of those people running around shouting “the Pleistocene will rise again,” you may as well just “forget about it!”  To put it bluntly - there is no such thing as a Loch Ness Monster!  It’s all a big hoax, and if you don’t believe me - I got that information directly from Bigfoot.  Besides, as everyone knows, if a monster like this really existed - it would obviously be living somewhere in Florida, not Scotland. https:...

Scientists Revive the Brain Cells In Dead Pigs:   In a study that raises profound questions about the fine line between life and death, researchers have restored cellular activity to brains removed from slaughtered pigs. So, my question is, if we can revive someone’s brain after they’re dead, will the insurance companies pay for it?  I’m certainly no health insurance authority, but death seems like a pretty obvious “pre-existing condition.”  Not to mention that, in the case of Donald Trump and his supporters - giving them a pig brain would have to be considered one helluva upgrade.  Good luck with that! And how would this work anyway?  Are you telling me that someone could die and then scientists would bring them back to life by replacing their brain with the brain of a dead pig?  I mean, where the hell is Mary Shelley and Mel Brooks when you need them?  On the other hand, all this sounds like simply fantastic news for the Walt Disney Compa...

Hubble Spots Mysterious Large Dark Spot Forming on Neptune:  Astronomers say they are now trying to identify a huge dark spot which the Hubble telescope has spotted at 23 degrees north latitude on Neptune.  Scientists say that while they still haven’t identified exactly what the dark spot is, they are fairly certain it is not malignant. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scottish Has Woman Lived Entire Life Without Feeling Pain:   A 71-year-old Scottish grandmother with a genetic mutation thought there was nothing abnormal about the fact that she could undergo surgery, have dental work done, break bones, endure serious burns - all without the aid of painkillers.  Well, I’m certainly no expert on genetic mutations in Scotland, but if you ask me - a little nip or two of some of that Macallan 18-year-old single malt they make over there can kill just about any pain you have equally as well.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Researchers ...

Montana Decides Against Sending Yellowstone Bison to Bronx Zoo:  Montana wildlife officials say that after much consideration, plans to ship 145 bison captured in Yellowstone National Park to the Bronx zoo have been canceled.  Bronx Zoo officials say that while it would have been nice to have had bison at the zoo, two things became quite apparent - 1) the animals would never be able to get a credible Bronx accent down and 2) the bison seemed to show no interest whatsoever in becoming Yankee fans.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Man Arrested for Toppling Ten Commandments Monument:  A man who claimed the devil told him to use his car to knock over a six-foot tall Ten Commandments monument on the grounds at the Oklahoma statehouse, has been taken into custody.   Damn, this guy not only committed malicious vandalism, he also “broke the Ten Commandments." https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Giant Solar Tornados Seen on the Sun’s S...

Lake Elsinore Declares Public Safety Crisis After Poppy Apocalypse:  The fields surrounding the California city of Lake Elsinore have been so abundant with strikingly colored poppies this year - drawing so many people that the city has been forced to declare a public safety crisis, with city officials claiming that "our city is simply not made for Disneyland-size crowds.”  Not made for Disneyland-size crowds?  Hell, then just charge everyone “Disneyland-sized” admission prices and - voilà, your problem is solved. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Killer Whales Spotted off Chile Likely to Be a New Species:  Marine scientists report they have encountered killer whales off the coast of southern Chile which they believe may be an entirely new species of orca that they have labeled “Type D.”  Well, maybe they’re a new species - and maybe they’re not.  Let’s remember, everything in science isn’t just black and white.  One thing's for sure, they...

Actors Show Different Brain Activity When in Character:   Using an MRI scanner, a trio of researchers from McMaster University in Canada found that thespians show different patterns of brain activity, depending on whether they are in character or not.   Scientists say the possible exceptions are Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris and Gary Busey, who appear to show very little or no brain activity period - whether they happen to be acting or not.   On the other hand, in order for them to test me - I’d first have to try and assume the persona of someone who doesn't become totally paranoid and claustrophobic when they have to crawl into an MRI machine. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com