You've Got to Be Kidding?

Recent data is showing that a whopping 1 in 8 Americans experience food insecurity, while $200 billion is being spent on food that will never even be eaten.   Meanwhile, and speaking of food, an all-female group of hosts over at Fox News have turned their sharp focus on M&M’S.   It seems Mars Wrigley’s M&M’S brand has made the horrifyingly “woke” decision to put out a female-only, special edition offering - featuring Purple, Brown, and Green female M&M’S that appear upside-down on the package - to represent “women everywhere who are flipping the status quo.”   Well, don’t think you can slide something so incendiary as that past the clever hosts at Fox News.   These smart folks have determined this “female inclusivity scheme” is all part of a dastardly plot conceived with China, cleverly designed to “Keep focusing on giving people their own color M&M’S, while we (China) take over all of the mineral deposits in the entire world.” Good grief!  Thank...

Televangelist Jim Bakker Ordered To Stop Selling Fake Coronavirus Cure:   New York’s Attorney General has given the Jim Bakker Show 10 days to comply with a cease-and-desist letter that orders Bakker to stop touting his “Silver Solution” products, which he claims will cure the coronavirus in just 12 hours.  No kidding - you mean to tell me that Jim Bakker, the Walmart Antichrist - is still in business?  Sounds like that dude’s got it goin on!  And now he’s got himself a homemade “silver solution” that cures the coronavirus in just 12 hours?   Wow, it’s a damn good thing these televangelists work tax free!  That means more money guys like Bakker can throw into their epidemiological scientific research.  Now, I suppose about the only thing left, is for President Trump to award him one of those “Medal of Freedom” thingies he loves to give out. And, if that wasn’t exciting enough, now that we have the Jim Bakker “Silver Solution” coronaviru...

China Prepares for Possible Locust Invasion:   A government body is warning that China may soon face a desert locust invasion, and is urging local authorities to plan for the potential arrival of the voracious insects from neighboring Pakistan and India. Well, one thing’s for sure, with the coronavirus going full blast, locusts are about the only thing willing to travel to China these days.  But come on!  First the plague - now locusts?  Now, I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but if the Yellow River turns blood red, I’m outa here. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Sending Border Patrol Tactical Units to Sanctuary Cities:   The Trump administration is deploying highly trained, heavily armed tactical units to boost arrests of unauthorized immigrants in cities like Los Angeles, Chicago and New York, in Trump’s latest move against localities that adopt "sanctuary" policies. Gee whiz, sending in an armed militia to hunt down immigrants?  Why, if one didn’t know better - one might think our president was actually trying to provoke violent incidents.   But I see his point, America desperately needs heavily armed tactical SWAT units to protect us from unarmed, impoverished, migrant men, women and children.   By the way, if those SWAT units are looking for unauthorized immigrants, I hear Trump properties are a great place to start.  On the other hand, if they’re looking to catch real hardened criminals, I suggest they focus on the White House. Folks, this isn’t hyperbole - this is fascism.  The Statu...

China Sending Trucks to Spray Bleach on Entire Cities:   China has been quickly dispatching spray trucks, hoses, and bottles filled with household disinfectants like bleach across the entire country, in an effort to control the outbreak of the novel coronavirus known as 2019-nCoV.   Wow, spraying entire cities with bleach?  That’s just crazy!  I mean, just think about it - Trump and his pals have been trying just about everything possible to make America “Lily-White” again, but China’s “bleach the hell out of them” idea is so unique, it even caught the Trump cultists by surprise. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Orders US Businesses To Leave China:   Shortly after China announced they will be slapping $75 billion more in tariffs on US goods, President Trump responded by tweeting that “American companies are hereby ordered to immediately start looking for an alternative to doing business in China.” Wow, this guy really knows his economics!  And to think there’s people out there trying to portray this President as some sort of thin-skinned, maniacal, narcissistic con artist, with a Pavlovian response to flattery?  Crazy, isn’t it?   I mean, just think about it!  Why in the hell would any American company ever want to have business dealings with the fastest growing and 2nd largest economy in the world?  What do they think this is - some kind of internationally interdependent economy? Hell, even the most ardent healthcare-hating Trump supporter - strung-out on meth in some obscure red state trailer park, knows there’s a very simple solution to thes...

Harvard’s Robotic Insects Finally Take Flight:   Researchers at Harvard University say they have designed and built a new, breakthrough type of solar-powered robotic insect that is capable of true, untethered flight.   Good grief, I’ve been fighting insect infestations every summer for years and years, and now you tell me their designing mechanical ones?  I mean, just what I need - a solar-powered fly to land in my soup! Kind of makes you wonder, what the hell’s next - robotic rodent infestations?  Then, I suppose, we’ll all need to purchase a bunch of specially-designed robotic cats to try and catch the damn things.  For crying out loud - please make it all stop! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Now Says He Would Report Foreign Campaign Interference:   Under fire, President Trump has backtracked on his previous position about accepting campaign help from foreign governments without necessarily telling the FBI - and is now claiming that he would certainly report it to law enforcement authorities if he were approached. And, if I know Donald Trump, not only would he report it - but it would also be the undisputed greatest report ever given to authorities in all of American history.  That’s just the way he rolls.  Anyway, if I’m understanding all this correctly, it appears that what Trump said yesterday is now completely gone - only to be totally replaced by what he is saying today.  Now, I don’t wanna sound critical, but can anyone say “George Orwell? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

China Including More Women in Their Astronaut Program:  Fans of social equality are praising China’s move to include more females in their space program, including 33-year-old Chinese military pilot Liu Yang who became the country’s first woman in space.  Interesting, because I always suspected my ex-girlfriend secretly wanted to be an astronaut too.  Hell, she was always talking about “I need my space.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Poll Finds Southerners Less Likely to Visit Dentist:   According to a new Gallup poll, residents of Southern states are much less likely to visit the dentist than anywhere else in the nation.  Guess that explains the "last dentist for 60 miles” highway sign I saw when I drove through Alabama last year.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Giving Monetary Rewards Help People Shed Pounds:  Researchers at the Mayo Clinic made the recent discovery that people who received financial inc...

Chinese Scientist Uses Crispr to Make First Genetically Edited Babies:   In what is being described as both a profound leap of science and ethics, a scientist in China announced that he had created the world’s first genetically edited babies, altering a gene in the embryos that would make the babies resistant to HIV infection.  Of course, everyone will complain like crazy about the ethics of this technology - at least until their favorite NBA team sends their newly recruited 8’9” center out on the court. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    MIT Scientists Create A Plane That Flies With No Moving Parts:   Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (MIT) have created a plane with an ion drive that flies - even though it has no moving parts whatsoever.  Hell, what’s the big deal about that?  I mean, as far I could tell - every time I had sex with my ex, she had absolutely no moving parts either. https://www.johnnyrobishc...

China to Launch Artificial Moon Into Orbit to Light Up City:   Chinese officials say they plan to launch a satellite into orbit by 2020 that will act as an artificial moon - one that will be able to directly reflect light from the sun onto the streets of Chengdu, China at night, a city of nearly 14 million people. Wow, this is just a fantastic news - especially for those who feel we just don’t have enough light pollution here on Earth.  I mean, just think of it - a gigantic headlight, shining down from outer space - directly into our bedroom windows at night.  What could be more comforting than that?  Now is it just me, or does this sound like it’s gonna be one hell on an expensive light bulb?   Of course afterwards, I suppose they’ll need to send up something to block the sun during day, just to try and counteract all the negative effects caused by reflecting all that sunlight down to earth during the night when it’s supposed to be dark.  Hell,...

North Korea's Kim Jong Un Meets With Chinese President Xi:   During his meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping, North Korea’s leader Kim Jong Un pledged his commitment to denuclearization and to meet U.S. officials, and China promised to uphold friendship with its isolated neighbor.  Wow, sounds like Kim got called to the principal’s office.  Either that, or he just got the munchies and thought he’d head up there for some take-out.  And while he’s in the neighborhood, perhaps President Xi could hook Kim up with a decent barber. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Cases of Irritable Bowel Syndrome Increasing in US:   A recent study found that irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) now affects between 25 and 45 million people in the United States, with 2 out of 3 IBS sufferers being female.  What’s so surprising about that?  I mean, what bowel wouldn’t become irritated after all the crap they have to deal with on a daily basis? http://www.johnnyr...