You've Got to Be Kidding?

The Daily Beast reports that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott announced this week that the Texas National Guard is installing razor wire along the border of Texas and New Mexico on his orders, claiming that New Mexico’s Democratic Governor Michelle Grisham is allowing “Migrants to enter New Mexico illegally,  who then cross into Texas,” and “We are stopping it.”   Of course, many feel the real reason for Gov. Abbott’s razor-wire fence is that New Mexico is a safe haven for women seeking abortions, and Abbott and his pals fear women are “sneaking out of Texas unnoticed” to get them.   They point out that Abbott has been railing about this issue for months now. Well, we all know how much Abbott and his Republican pals are constantly harping about how Texas is synonymous with freedom, and believe me, nothing spells freedom quite like a “razor wire fence.”  Ah, but what’s the big deal, other than this violates tons of state and federal laws, including a citizens’ right of free tra...

During an interview with Fox News host Maria Bartiromo, it appears Republican Sen. Roger Marshall (R-KS) believes that Kansas has recently geographically moved away from the Mexican border, claiming that Joe Biden’s policies have migrants "stacked up" and waiting to enter the United States, and "this is why Kansas is no longer a border state.” Gee, so Kansas was once a border state? Who knew?  Frankly, I’ve always assumed that if you’re traveling by tornado , it was located right next to the Land of Oz, but what do I know?  Anyway, it appears geography is another subject Kansas Republicans must have outlawed and discarded right along with that dreaded Critical Race Theory.   Now, to quote the late, great Sam Cooke, it kind of sounds like Sen. Marshall “don’t know much about history, don't know much biology, don't know much about a science book.”  Of course, giving Sen. Marshall the benefit of the doubt, this may have been a feeble attempt to make a Civil War...

Never straying far from his promotion of the “Great Replacement Theory,” which claims “leftist politicians are trying to replace white Americans with immigrant people of color,” Tucker Carlson tried to make sure his white nationalist followers remain vigilant, by warning viewers this week that if Afghan refugees are allowed to settle in this country, they will attempt to enact Sharia law in America!   While Tucker did concede that the Afghans have some “good people,” he cautioned that they are “very different” from most Americans.” So, last week we had Tucker and the Republicans complaining about how “Joe Biden has abandoned those poor, poor Afghans!”  Then, come this week, they’re screaming "Don't let those dirty Muslims into our country” and “they’re coming to rape our daughters!”  Really, because statistically, those daughters actually have much more to fear from their church clergyman, than they do from any immigrants fleeing persecution.  Anyway, if I’m under...

Lara Trump Says Americans Should Take Up Arms Against Immigrants:   Lara Trump is sparking some serious controversy after appearing on Judge Jeanine Pirro’s Fox News show this past Saturday, suggesting that Americans living along the southern border had “better arm up and get guns and be ready, and maybe they will have to take matters into their own hands.” Now, say what you want, but I have to admit Lara has a point there.  After all, we all know those desperate immigrant men, women, and children, trying to escape violence and poverty in their own countries and seeking a better life - are all armed to the teeth and looking for blood.  And the January 6th insurrectionists?  All tourists, out on delightful family picnics.   So, we have another day, another Trump - trying to incite more violence and insurrection.  Now, my suggestion is, if Lara is really all that concerned about our border, perhaps she ought to leave her gated compound and head right down ...

Trump Sending Border Patrol Tactical Units to Sanctuary Cities:   The Trump administration is deploying highly trained, heavily armed tactical units to boost arrests of unauthorized immigrants in cities like Los Angeles, Chicago and New York, in Trump’s latest move against localities that adopt "sanctuary" policies. Gee whiz, sending in an armed militia to hunt down immigrants?  Why, if one didn’t know better - one might think our president was actually trying to provoke violent incidents.   But I see his point, America desperately needs heavily armed tactical SWAT units to protect us from unarmed, impoverished, migrant men, women and children.   By the way, if those SWAT units are looking for unauthorized immigrants, I hear Trump properties are a great place to start.  On the other hand, if they’re looking to catch real hardened criminals, I suggest they focus on the White House. Folks, this isn’t hyperbole - this is fascism.  The Statu...

Chinese Passenger Tries Sneaking Package of Tiny Dead Birds Into US:   U.S. Customs and Border Protection agriculture specialists report finding and confiscating a package of “tiny dead birds” in a Chinese passenger's luggage at Washington Dulles International Airport this week. I'll tell ya, seems like some folks will do just about anything to avoid airline food.  When asked what made him suspect the passenger’s package contained contraband, the Customs agent said “a little bird told me.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Calls on Congress to Expunge His Impeachment:   Talking to reporters on the White House lawn, President Trump called on Congress to "expunge" his impeachment for abuse of power following his acquittal in the Senate, claiming the whole thing “was a hoax.” Gee, wonder where he could have learned a word like “expunge?”  A term like that just seems a wee bit too “bigly” for a fellow like Donald Trump to be throwing around.   But hell, if impeachment really bothers him all that much - why not just pull out a Sharpie and expunge himself?  Anyway, if it’s any consolation, I feel like “expunging” him ever time I see his big, bloated, orange face all over the TV screen. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Expands Immigration Ban - Adding Mostly African Nations:  President Trump just added six more "mostly African nations” to his administration’s travel ban, including Nigeria, Africa’s most populous country - in a widely anticipated expansion which Democrats claim is “clearly discriminatory” against people from predominantly black and Muslim nations. Now wait a minute, let me get this straight.  Trump was just impeached for pressuring foreign nations to help him throw America’s 2020 elections, yet we’re supposed to believe it’s these countries who pose threats to our national security?   Gee, this has to be a mistake.  Perhaps someone  just misinterpreted something when they translated the President’s order from “Trump to English.”  Oh well, on a positive note - at least we’re still welcoming immigrants from Slovenia.   So, what happened?  Apparently, someone must have handed Trump a map of Africa.  You know, one with writ...

Lindsey Graham Says He Won’t Even Pretend to Be a Fair Juror:  Speaking at the DOHA Forum in Qatar, Senator Lindsey Graham bragged to attendees that he will not even “pretend to be a fair and impartial juror,” should Donald Trump face an impeachment trial in the US Senate. Gee, Lindsey says he won’t even “pretend to be a fair and impartial juror?”  OK, fair enough.  Then, while you’re at it, how about quite pretending to be a man and a United States Senator? It’s becoming pretty obvious that the Republican “Loyalty Oath" to Donald Trump far supersedes any silly oath they may have taken to protect and defend the constitution - we get that.   I mean, why even bother reminding these folks about morals, ethics or even country?  Hell, at this point, Republicans may as well just go ahead…make Benedict Arnold’s birthday a national holiday - and get it over with. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Republicans Attempt to Move Impeachment Focus on Biden:   House Republicans are pressing ahead with their attempts to move the impeachment inquiry away from President Trump - by calling on Democrats to instead add witnesses to the probe Joe Biden’s son and the whistleblower, whose initial complaint was what kicked off this investigation. Wow, why it’s the old middle school defense of “hey, look over there - at what those other people are doing!”  Gee, I had no idea you could still use that excuse like that after you leave high school.  I guess you’ve better have the right crowd though. Now, one thing I’ve never understood is why Republicans always seem to front some of the dumbest folks who’ve ever walked the face of the Earth - as their media attack dogs.  You know, people like Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, Rudy Giuliani, Kellyanne Conway, Ben Carson, Devin Nunes, Jim Jordan, and Matt Gaetz.   And, then it occurred to me - when you’re trying to reach...

Impeachment Deposition Delayed After Republicans Storm Proceedings:   Republicans defense of President Trump grew even more frantic and disjointed on Wednesday, with House members storming a closed-door hearing, compromising national security by bringing electronics into a secure area and forcing House internal security to do a full sweep of the room for potential bugs and other security breaches. Gee, that reminds me of back when the Dems stormed those endless Benghazi hearings the Republicans were holding.  Remember that?  Me neither, but I do understand their frustration.  After all, things like facts and information have always been quite frightening to Republicans.  And with all the insane things that have been surfacing in testimony of late, it was either storm the hearing or go back on the meds.  Luckily for them, they have Donald Trump at the helm to guide them through this storm. But gee whiz, gosh and golly folks!  Just to think th...

Tomi Lahren Claims We Need Guns for Defense Against Immigrants:   Fox Nation host Tomi Lahren is claiming that Americans need guns in order to fight off the unlimited illegal immigrants pouring into the United States, adding that citizens need the ability to “defend themselves” because “we don’t know” who’s coming into this country. Well, she’s certainly not alone in her thinking.  I mean, there have been quite a few other well-known folks who’ve said just about the same thing.  You know, people like Dylann Roof and El Paso shooter Patrick Crusius to name a few. Of course, the 2nd Amendment does call for a well-regulated militia.”  That said, I always assumed a well-regulated militia” meant organizations like the National Guard - and pretenders like Billy Joe Bob and his pals running around acting like tough guys by walking into Popeye’s restaurants fully armed with loaded assault rifles  - not so much. Anyway, it must be difficult living in cons...

Trump Claims Bahamas are Full of Bad Gang Members:   President Trump shocked reporters by telling them that he is hesitant to allow any Bahamians to enter the US after Hurricane Dorian, because the island is full of "bad gang members.” Right, “bad gang members.”  That’s as opposed to all the “good gang members” who follow him.  You know, like the KKK, the neo-Nazis and all those white-supremacist militia gangs. But come on, if Trump really thought that there’s all these “bad guys” roaming around in the Bahamas, you’d think he’d have invited them to meet with him at Camp David by now. That said, my guess is that about the only thing Donald Trump actually knows about the Bahamas is that it’s surrounded bigly, by a Yuge bunch of water. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Pentagon Approves Diversion of Military Funds for Trump’s Wall:  Defense Secretary Mark T. Esper has agreed to free up $3.6 billion from the Pentagon’s budget for President Trump’s border wall, even though it will actually only build just 54.5 miles of new border fencing and effectively defund 127 military construction projects. Call me old fashioned, but I was always under the impression you’re supposed to use government funds for whatever purpose they were actually authorized to be used for.  Silly me! Wonder if anyone ever thought about the fact that if the Pentagon can so easily just surrender billions of dollars out of their budget for unrelated projects, maybe they didn’t really need the money in the first place? Tell you what, I’ve got a novel idea.  Instead of building a useless border wall to keep  desperate  refugee families out, how about building a “firewall" to keep the damn Russian hackers out? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.c...

Trump Calls Elijah Cummings District a Disgusting Rat-Infested Mess:  President Donald Trump viciously attacked political adversary Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md) on Twitter over his criticism of the way the administration is handling the border situation, claiming conditions on the border are actually "clean, efficient and well run, but just very crowded," whereas Cummings' district is nothing but "a disgusting, rat and rodent infested mess.” Gee, if Baltimore is really that much worse than our southern border, then why doesn’t he target our resources there, rather than building a wall that in reality - will be little more than a concrete and steel tribute to Trump’s tiny hands and limp penis? And, you know what else might help places like Baltimore?  How about a President who’s willing to work at creating a few new jobs rebuilding our decaying infrastructure, rather than spending all his time golfing and trash talking on Twitter.   The truth is, our s...

White-Nationalist Violence Likely An Issue in the 2020 Race:  Less than 24 hours after President Trump doubled-down to defend his “there were fine people on both sides” comment about the deadly 2017 white-supremacist rally in Charlottesville, the rising tide of white-nationalism has struck again as angry racist John T. Earnest shot up a Jewish synagogue in Poway, California - killing one person and injuring three others. The situation is getting so out of hand, that Vice President Mike Pence actually felt compelled to take to twitter and attempt to explain to rabid Trump supporters that “anti-semitism isn’t just wrong - it’s evil.”   And while I’ve been quite critical of Mike Pence in the past, I do have to admit it’s a step in the right direction for a member of the Trump Administration to try and explain to their followers that killing innocent Jews in their house of worship probably isn’t the best way to make a political point.   That said, I suspect the...

Drug Smugglers Now Using Submarines to Ship Narcotics:  US authorities say drug cartels are now using submarines instead of high-speed boats to ship narcotics.  In related news, it’s being reported that drug users are now eating more submarine sandwiches than ever before.  Now I’m no law enforcement expert, but this has to be more than coincidence.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com     New Study Finds Humans Can Smell With Their Tongues:  Scientists say the human tongues can actually smell, as researchers report finding the exact same “smell sensors” in people’s noses that are in human tongues.  Maybe so, but good luck trying to recite a “nose twister” or treat a “runny tongue?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Malicious Software Attack Knocks the Weather Channel Off the Air:   The FBI is currently investigating a malicious software attack that knocked the Weather Channel off the air for more than an hour....

Trump Reportedly Floated Pardon for Border Official:   It’s being reported that President Trump told Customs and Border Protection Commissioner Kevin McAleenan that if he broke federal immigration law by denying migrants entry into the United States, he would pardon him - if he ever were to be jailed over the issue. So, it seems we have a President of the United States, dangling pardons in order to encourage government officials to commitment federal crimes?  Good, grief, if this had been anyone other than Donald Trump, that certainly would have been grounds for impeachment.   Kind of makes you wonder, where do all those strict constitutionalist, patriotic, law and order Republicans stand on all this?  Well, it turns out that Republicans actually aren’t all that concerned about the rule of law after all.  You see, what they really wanted, was an arsonist - and Donald Trump just happens to be the man with all the matches. Now, Republicans are gon...

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen Forced to Resign:   After a reportedly contentious meeting with President Trump, Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen has been forced to resign amid her continual attempts to raise legal concerns over some of Donald Trump’s more severe impulses, specifically when his demands often clash with U.S. immigration laws and federal court orders. Well, apparently tearing little children away from their parents and locking them up in cages was not seen by this President as being tough enough on immigrants, and that means - goodbye Madam Secretary!  So, it looks like it’s time for Secretary Nielsen to grab that Pomeranian puppy fur coat of hers and - get the hell out of Washington.   Not to worry though, with a resume like hers, she’ll have no trouble finding work.  In fact, word has it she’s already lined up a gig running a new chain of day care centers for Syrian President Bashar Hafez al-Assad.  Now, the ...

Trump Once Again Claims His Father Was Born in Germany:   While expressing frustration about Germany not paying their fair-share towards NATO, Trump once again claimed that he has always loved Germany, because his father was born there - even though his father was actually born in New York. So, it turns out that the guy who’s been chiding Elizabeth Warren for so long about being Native American - tells lies about his heritage?  Say it ain’t so!  Now some of you may ask, so President Trump loves Germany?  What’s the big deal?  Nothing, I suppose - except that it appears the Germany Donald Trump loves, was the Germany of 1939 - not 2019. In fact, Trump’s father was so proud of his German heritage, that he used to lie and tell people he was “Swedish.”  Of course, that was after Germany lost the war.  Before the war, Fred Trump was believed to be a proud member of the KKK and the German American Bund, a group which promoted the glories of Nazi ...