You've Got to Be Kidding?

Louisiana Woman Claims Meth Found in Her Groin Area Not Hers:   Police say that shortly after her arrest, a Louisiana woman tried to convince them that she had no idea where the meth found in her groin area came from. Now come on, before you laugh - it’s possible she's on the up-and-up.  I’ll tell ya one thing, if I had a nickel for every time the cops found meth in one of my body parts - I sure as hell wouldn’t be out here on Hollywood Blvd selling bogus maps to the star’s homes like I am today.   Besides, maybe she was just renting it out to someone - you know, like one of those self-storage lockers you see over there on Olympic Blvd in West LA.  That said, police say further investigation also turned up four gold watches, two new iPads along with cyber fugitive Edward Snowden. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Drug Kingpin El Chapo Appeals Life Sentence:   Court documents indicate that Mexican drug lord Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman, who’s being held at the notorious ADX Federal Maximum Security Prison in Colorado, is appealing his life sentence.   During the appeal process, his new attorney told the court “Ah, now just take look at that face judge!  That your honor, is the face of a changed man, one who’s really “oh-so-sorry" about all the murders, torture, bribery, kidnapping, drug trafficking, theft and money laundering.   Anyway, my suggestion is, his cartel pals had better get busy digging that escape tunnel.  I mean, the poor guy’s now 61 and I hear it’s quite a good distance from Colorado back down to the border.  In fact, it sounds to me like the perfect job for Elon Musk and his The Boring Company. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Florida Man Impersonating Police Officer Pulls Over Real Deputy:   A Florida man found himself in some hot water for pretending to be a police officer, after he pulled over an off-duty cop while driving his souped-up, jet-black Crown Victoria. Wow, sounds like the Mensa meeting must have let out a bit early that day.  Now, the poor schmuck's gonna have to sell that Crown Victoria to pay a lawyer.  Frankly, while I admit this article was rather amusing, all I really needed to see was the term “Florida Man,” and the rest of the story pretty much just wrote itself.  Now, in all fairness - I suppose in Donald Trump’s Florida, this guy may very well be considered as kind of an “alternative” cop.  And, I suppose a good argument could be made about “what’s the big deal anyway?  After all, don’t we have some guy from New York sitting in the White House right now, impersonating a President?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Drug Smugglers Now Using Submarines to Ship Narcotics:  US authorities say drug cartels are now using submarines instead of high-speed boats to ship narcotics.  In related news, it’s being reported that drug users are now eating more submarine sandwiches than ever before.  Now I’m no law enforcement expert, but this has to be more than coincidence.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com     New Study Finds Humans Can Smell With Their Tongues:  Scientists say the human tongues can actually smell, as researchers report finding the exact same “smell sensors” in people’s noses that are in human tongues.  Maybe so, but good luck trying to recite a “nose twister” or treat a “runny tongue?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Malicious Software Attack Knocks the Weather Channel Off the Air:   The FBI is currently investigating a malicious software attack that knocked the Weather Channel off the air for more than an hour....

Nicolas Cage Annuls Marriage to Bride With Criminal Past:   Nicolas Cage cited his wife’s criminal history, including multiple DUI’s and domestic violence arrests, and the fact that he was in a total blackout drunk when he married her, as reasons why he’s seeking to have his recent latest Las Vegas marriage to Erika Koike annulled after only four days. Call me a softy, but what a really touching story this is - about two lovely people who found each other in beautiful Las Vegas, proceeded to get hammered to the gills, and then got married in one of those quickie chapels.  Excuse me, but I’m tearing up a bit here.  Makes me wonder if he was also in a blackout drunk when he agreed to star in some of those movies he’s made? Now, not to be super critical of the guy, but if you ask me - Cage should have been suspicious something was a bit off-kilter about this woman right from the start.  I mean, all he had to do was just ask himself, “wait a minute, who the hel...

China Including More Women in Their Astronaut Program:  Fans of social equality are praising China’s move to include more females in their space program, including 33-year-old Chinese military pilot Liu Yang who became the country’s first woman in space.  Interesting, because I always suspected my ex-girlfriend secretly wanted to be an astronaut too.  Hell, she was always talking about “I need my space.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Poll Finds Southerners Less Likely to Visit Dentist:   According to a new Gallup poll, residents of Southern states are much less likely to visit the dentist than anywhere else in the nation.  Guess that explains the "last dentist for 60 miles” highway sign I saw when I drove through Alabama last year.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Giving Monetary Rewards Help People Shed Pounds:  Researchers at the Mayo Clinic made the recent discovery that people who received financial inc...

Scientist Who Popularized Term Global Warming Dead at 87:   Wallace Smith Broecker, the Columbia University professor and researcher who raised early alarms about climate change and popularized the term "global warming,” has died at age 87.  Meanwhile, angry Trump supporters are demanding to know why it is - if global warming is supposed to be real, did he die in the dead of winter instead of from heat stroke? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Kylie Jenner Claims She Was Financially Cut at Age 15:   Reality star and makeup mogul Kylie Jenner responded to critics of her being named by Forbes as “one of America’s richest self-made women,” by claiming that none of her money is inherited and her parents cut her off at age 15.  No kidding!  None of her money is inherited because no one’s died yet.  In her defense, I don’t think Kylie quite understands the full meaning of the phrase “cut off.”  I suggest if she really wants to know ...

Lindsey Graham Says Kentucky Kids Better Off With a Wall Than Schools:  During an interview on Face the Nation, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) defended spending billions on a border wall instead of doing projects like upgrading rundown schools in Kentucky by claiming “the children of Kentucky need a border wall much more than they need new schools." No kidding - they have schools in Kentucky?  Who knew?  My question is, how can immigrants at the Mexican border be an issue in Kentucky?  Besides, even poor, desperate immigrants don’t wanna end up in Kentucky - “ah thanks for the offer, but I think we’ll just walk back to El Salvador.” One thing’s for sure, the pervasive stupidity in places like Kentucky is a much more pressing emergency than anything that’s happening way down on the Mexican border.  I mean, Kentucky is full of the kind of folks whom Trump has somehow convinced that “the Constitution is Unconstitutional.”  Come to think of it, no wonder...

Trump Sites San Antonio as Example that Border Walls Work:  While recently addressing reporters, President Donald Trump cited the city of San Antonio as proof that border walls work, despite the fact that the city is actually 150 miles from the border and it doesn’t even have a wall. Perfect, then if I were Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi,  I’d say “Mr President, we’re ready to negotiate” and proceed to offer Trump that exact same border wall they have in San Antonio.  After all, who can argue with something that’s working that well?  Not to mention that some proud residents claim their invisible wall is “a thing of sheer beauty.” But seriously, a wall to protect San Antonio from Mexicans?  All I know is, that idea didn’t seem to work out all that well for Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie.  But never mind all that, the fact is it doesn’t really matter how bogus anything Trump proposes actually is - because he’ll still be considered nothing short of t...

Conservative Social Media Personality Angry About Gillette Ad:   Conservative social media personality Graham Allen posted a pic on his Facebook page with both he and his children heavily armed, in protest of the recent controversial Gillette ad about masculinity, bullying and respect for women. OK, but the first thing I noticed was that everyone in this pic is armed except for the daughter.  What’s up with that?  And where the hell is the mom?  Not to sound conspiratorial, but could the daughter be unarmed as punishment for having shot the mom?  Just asking! Now to be completely honest,  I really don’t know all that much about the Gillette ad causing all this controversy, but what I do know is - this pic would be a perfect choice for the cover photo for the latest issue of “School Shooter’s Digest.”   I mean, every time I take a look at this photo, the first thing that comes to mind is - I have a feeling it won’t be very long before we...

Man Runs Back Into Burning Home to Save His Beer:  Firefighters say a Georgia man is lucky to be alive after he and his family fled a burning house, but then decided to go back in to retrieve the remainder of his six-pack of Bud Light and got caught in a backdraft - which slammed the door shut on him.  Now on the surface, that may seem like a foolish thing to do, but neighbors are calling him a hero for trying to save his “best buds.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Says Ice in UK Fast-Food Chains Has More Bacteria Than Toilets:   A new study by the Daily Mail found that six out of 10 of Britain’s most popular fast-food chains including McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC, Starbucks, Café Rouge and Nando’s serve ice that contains more bacteria than is found in their toilets.  So next time you’re ordering fast-food and the cashier asks you “would you care for anything to drink with that” - just tell them “no thanks, I’ll just be drinking right out of t...

Florida Man Slams Pizza in Dad’s Face for Delivering Him at Birth:   An angry Florida man has been arrested by police for shoving a freshly delivered pizza into his father’s face after learning it was his father who delivered him at birth. Now wait a minute - this story just doesn’t make any sense!  I mean, we don’t even know what toppings were on the pizza?  And am I to believe this entire situation can simply be summed up by the phrase - “ when your son, hits your eye, with a big pizza pie - that’s the story? ”    To add to the mystery, police say they still have no idea why the son would become so upset to learn his father delivered him.  But let’s keep in mind that this is Florida, so it’s always a pretty safe bet to assume that crystal meth was somewhere in the mix.  All I know is, after reading this story, I'm kind of upset that anybody delivered this kid. Of course, in Florida logic, they’re probably thinking “the father delivere...

Long-Acting Contraceptives Gaining Acceptance With U.S. Women:   New data shows that two-thirds of American women between the ages of 15 to 49 are using contraception and many are choosing implantable long-acting devices such as I.U.D.’s.  Why of course they want the long-term contraceptives.  I mean, what woman is gonna choose the “ wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am " contraceptive? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Excited About Finding Harnessed Horses in Pompeii:  Archaeologists are excited about the discovery of 2,000-year-old horses which were still harnessed and tied near the ancient ruins of Pompeii.  OK, but why’s it such a big deal that they’re still harnessed?  I mean, it isn’t like after being mummified for over 2000 years, they’re suddenly gonna take off running somewhere.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Florida Woman Drags Ex-Husband Behind Truck:   A 61-year-old Florida woman, with the aid of two fri...

Kentucky Claims Gay Marriage Threatens State’s Birth Rates:  Republican legislators in Kentucky claim their ban on gay marriage should be retained because gay marriage threatens the stability of the state's birth rates.  Who they trying to kid?  Hell, in a state like Kentucky, sheep and horses pose a bigger threat to birth rates than gay marriage ever will.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Sears Reportedly Preparing to File for Bankruptcy Protection:  It’s being reported that Sears Holdings Corp is preparing to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in the coming days following years of declining sales, casting doubt over the survival of what was once the world’s largest retailer.  I guess with all the online competition from Amazon, its getting harder and harder for Sears to make a decent Roebuck. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Shocked to Find that Our Sun’s Almost Perfectly Round:  Scientists say t...

Florida Man Attempts To Buy 8-Year-Old For $200,000 At Walmart:   An 81-year-old Florida man is facing charges after he approached a mother and her 8-year-old daughter who were shopping at Walmart and attempted to negotiate buying the girl for $100,000 - finally incrementally upping the price to as much as $200,000 before finally walking away when she wouldn’t accept his offer.  Gee, when I read this story, my first thought was “what the hell, has Roy Moore moved to Florida?”  Now its been a long time since I’ve set foot in a Walmart store -  I didn't realize they sold 8-year-olds there.  I don’t wanna sound insensitive, but $200,000 seems a bit expensive for Walmart.  These Trump tariffs are apparently really having an effect.    But seriously, this guy has to realize that just because you see kids in a shopping cart, doesn't mean they're for sale.  All I can say is, thank goodness no one made an offer like that to my family when...

Pimples Are Now In and Becoming the Latest Craze:  Celebrities and bloggers are going bare-faced on social media as more of the trendy folks are joining the acne positivity movement and Teen Vogue has even launched the inaugural Acne awards.  Its about time!  I knew all this acne stuff would eventually come to a head.  If someone doesn’t like your pimples, just put the squeeze on them!  But whatever you do, don’t let them get under your skin!  Now, if we can somehow just get a toenail fungus positivity movement going - I believe we’ll pretty much have it all covered. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Genetic Skin Graft Helps Mice Kick Cocaine Habit:   A new treatment using CRISPR and a genetically engineered skin graft, is helping reduce cocaine cravings in mice, giving researchers hope we are on the verge of finding a cure for addiction.  While there’s no question we need to treat cocaine addiction in mice - no one wants to see mice...

Manafort Found Guilty and Cohen Implicates Trump:   In what had to be a very bad day for President Trump, his former campaign manger Paul Manafort was convicted on eight of 18 counts and former personal attorney Michael Cohen entered a guilty plea to prosecutors which included implicating the President in directing him to pay hush money.  Gee, we’re at the point where about the only place that would be appropriate for a Trump Presidential Library would be someplace like Alcatraz Island. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Life Began 100 Million Years Earlier Than We Previously Thought:   According to new data, the first living thing to emerge on our planet appeared at least 100 million years earlier than we previously thought.  Oh really?  And just how do they know what I had previously thought? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Meth Addicts Looting Archaeological Sites Worldwide:  Archaeologists say the frequently of thefts of ant...