You've Got to Be Kidding?

FDA Approves Injectable Med to Bolster Women's Sex Drive:  Federal regulators approved a medication to boost low sex drive in women that comes in the form of a shot to the thigh or abdomen.  Of course, the first thing Trump officials wanted to know was “is it available in the form of a blowgun dart?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Naked Violinist Arrested Outside Federal Courthouse in Portland:   A 25-year-old man has been arrested for indecent exposure after police received multiple complaints about the man playing his violin in the nude outside a federal courthouse.  On a positive note, I suppose we should be grateful he was just playing his violin and not his organ. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Facebook’s New Data Center Runs on 100 Percent Wind Energy:  Facebook has announced that it’s been helping to develop an Iowa wind farm to cover the energy use of its new data center.  I guess it makes good sense when you...

Vatican Declares People Don’t Get to Choose Their Genders:   The Vatican department charged with overseeing Catholic education just released an extensive document, decrying what it calls a "crisis" on whether gender can be an individual choice rather than being set by God or biology. Gee, thanks Vatican - but honestly, I’m pretty sure the majority of us who live in the 21st century would much prefer to get our marching orders from people who don’t have a centuries-long tradition of promoting hate, ignorance, bigotry, genocide and pedophilia.  Or is it just me? You know, those kind of institutions who didn’t persecute people for simply believing things like the earth revolves around the sun, because they see science as a serious threat to their authority.  Does that Galileo Galilei guy ring a bell at all? Anyway, I suspect the LGBTQ+ community really isn’t all that big on waiting around another two or three centuries until a bunch of you old guys in funny ou...

Scientists Puzzled by How the Octopus Got to Be So Smart:  One of the things that has puzzled scientists for a long time now is how intelligent animals actually got to be that way - especially cephalopods such as the octopus.  Frankly, I’m less concerned about why the octopus is so smart as I am about why the “Octomom” is so dumb.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Neil deGrasse Tyson Sexual Misconduct Claims Being Investigated:   Fox and the producers of the television series “Cosmos” have announced they’ve opened an investigation into multiple sexual misconduct claims against the show’s host, famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Now I, of course, can’t really address these allegations, but I do know that Neil deGrasse Tyson was one of the primary people responsible for Pluto being downgraded from a planet to a dwarf planet.  This may very well be Pluto’s revenge.  And while I don’t know very much about astronomy, the one thi...

Study Right Finds Belly Button Positioning Important:  US scientists say they have an explanation as to why African-Americans appear to dominate on the running track, while whites excel more in the swimming pool - claiming it’s all primarily due to the position of their belly-buttons.  Ironically, a follow-up study concluded that researchers who spend their time studying belly-button positioning - most likely have their heads positioned well up their rectum. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Using Satellites to Measure Ocean Volume:   A group of scientists at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution have been using satellite measurements to get new estimates to determine the volume of water that’s in the ocean.  I can see how knowing the ocean’s volume could be valuable.  After all, if everyone keeps dumping their crap in there, one day we may end up having to drain everything. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Erectile Dys...

Study Finds Concussions May Cause Alzheimer’s:   In what may be more bad news for the NFL, a study published in the journal Neurology found that people who have suffered concussions are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease as they get older.  You mean to tell me that endlessly slamming your head into hard objects at high speeds year after year after year after year could have a downside?  Why I’m so shocked, you could have knocked me over with a feather - or maybe even a 240-pound linebacker. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Single Men Not As Bad-Off as Once Thought:  A new study about men seems to contradict previous studies assessing men who remain single for all their lives, finding that while marriage usually means men will make more money and reduces the likelihood they will commit crimes, single men seem to have more friends and have deeper connections to them, demonstrate more emotional self-sufficiency and have a heightened se...

Televangelist Claims if Democrats Win They’ll Slaughter Thousands Of Christians:   Christian TV host Rick Wiles is warning his viewers that if Democrats win back power, they will slaughter “tens of thousands of Christians.”  I’ll tell you what, this guy knows what the hell he’s talking about, cause I’ve seen them myself - tens of millions of them - well-trained and heavily-armed Democrat, communist atheists - just sitting around drinking their cafe lattes, cussing and swearing, watching CNN and Robert De Niro movies , mocking President Trump, reading science books, baking wedding cakes for gay people and having abortions - all this, while they wait for George Soros to give the order to attack.  It’s not very pretty my friend. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Survey Finds Very Few Smokers Know Sugar is Added to Cigarettes:  A new survey suggests that very few smokers are aware that sugar has been added to cigarettes and that that added sugar increases t...

Dyson Set to Manufacture Its Electric Car in Singapore:   After helping convince people in the UK to support Brexit, iconic UK vacuum manufacturer Dyson just announced it will manufacture its new electric car at a plant in Singapore.  Building their factory in Singapore instead of the UK after encouraging everyone to vote for Brexit?  Well - that sucks almost as much as their vacuums do. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  World's Oldest Intact Shipwreck Found Off the Coast of Bulgaria:   The world’s oldest, intact shipwreck - thought to be an ancient Greek merchant ship, has been discovered off the coast of Bulgaria, with a complete rudder, rowing benches, and hold.  While maritime archaeologists were really jubilant about the find, President Trump told reporters that he prefers ships that stay above the water. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Most Americans Wish to Die Before Hitting 100:  A Pew Research surv...

Hawking Predicted Wealthy Will Create Superhuman Race:   In a collection of articles and essays, the late physicist Stephen Hawking is still creating controversy by suggesting a new race of superhumans that could destroy the rest of humanity may develop through wealthy people having their and their children’s DNA edited.  Sounds like a dire prediction.  On the other hand, if it helps eliminate all the idiot drivers on the road, I’m all for it.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Kidman Claims Tom Cruise Marriage Kept Her From Being Sexually Harassed:   In a recent interview, Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman claimed that she felt that being married to an extremely powerful man like Tom Cruise protected her from being sexually harassed.  Hell, if that theory is correct, then it sounds like probably about the safest thing an actress could do back in those days - would have been to marry Bill Cosby or Harvey Weinstein. https://www.johnny...

Motherhood Increases Gray Matter in Women’s Brains:  New research shows that the female brain changes after motherhood, with women’s brains showing a significant increase in gray matter after giving birth and raising a child.  I don’t know about more gray matter, but my mom said it sure meant a helluva lot more gray hair. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Schwarzenegger is Returning to the World of Bodybuilding:  Arnold Schwarzenegger is returning to the world of bodybuilding as an executive editor for both  Muscle Fitness and Flex magazines, to which he will contribute monthly columns and dish out all the personal and professional insight.  Observers say about the only thing missing in Arnold’s return to bodybuilding is his body. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Sommelier Cheating Scandal Rocks Wine World:  A cheating scandal at last month’s master sommelier examination is sending shock waves through some communities, as the C...

Neanderthal DNA Deep in Human Genes:   People of Asian and European descent, almost anyone with origins outside of Africa, - have inherited a sliver of DNA from the Neanderthals - some of them may protect modern humans against infections.  Yea, well I just had my DNA tested by 23 and Me and to say my family has Neanderthal genes would apparently be giving us an upgrade.  In fact, they sent me what was basically an apology letter saying “sorry, but we have no idea where the hell any of the crap we found in your lineage comes from.  May you and your family find comfort in the fact that the statutes of limitations don’t go back 10,000 years.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Lawsuit Claims LaCroix Beverages Contain Cockroach Poison:  The makers of the wildly popular sparkling water LaCroix, which has become a phenomenon over the past year, were hit with a lawsuit alleging the beverage contains "non-natural flavorings," including an ingredient said t...

New Data Showing Older Folks are the Happiest:  New research shows that the older you get, the more self-assured and content you are, with people in their 60’s more likely to be happier and self-confident than most of those in their younger decades.  In response, psychologists are now recommending younger people who may be feeling somewhat ill at ease - look into getting as old as they possibly can as quickly as possible. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Taylor Swift Breaks Political Silence to Endorse Democrats:   Saying that in the past she has been reluctant to publicly voice her political opinions, she now feels it necessary due to several events in her life and in the world in the past two years.  And while Democrats are jumping for joy, Republicans claim this proves Taylor’s not all that swift. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com White House Gift Shop Selling Brett Kavanaugh Commemorative Coins:   Even before the Senate had voted...

Lack of Sleep May Harm Men's Sperm:  A new study from Denmark determined that not getting enough sleep may harm men’s sperm, with men who slept poorly having lower sperm counts and fewer sperm that had formed correctly.  I get it.  Hell, my sperm always tries to get a solid eight hours of sleep, but sometimes it’s just too damned hard to sleep that long. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com First Gray Wolf Seen in Grand Canyon in Decades:  A rare gray wolf has recently been spotted on the north rim of the Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona in what would be the first gray wolf sighting in the park since 1940.  Sadly, those who actually saw the animal say that "the old gray wolf, she ain't what she used to be." https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Baltimore Most Dangerous City for Drivers:   A new insurance industry survey lists Baltimore as the most dangerous city in the country for drivers.  In related news, Los Angeles was lis...

Eight-Year-Old Girl Pulls Ancient Sword from Lake in Sweden:   An eight-year-old girl is jokingly being hailed as a “future queen,” after she pulled a 1,500-year-old sword from a lake while swimming in central Sweden.   Wow, what a spectacular find!  Sounds like I’m gonna to have to step up my game a bit.  I mean, about the most interesting thing I’ve ever found was a used condom in a Target bathroom.  And for some odd reason, anthropologists don’t seem to have much interest in that type of artifact.   But anyway, nice job kid - a couple of more swords, and Sweden might actually have themselves a viable military.  Of course, had it been Trump who had found the sword, he’d already be hailing himself as the new King Arthur. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Louisiana Man Claims Ghost Planted Meth at His Home:   A 59-year-old Louisiana man who called police to his home was charged with possession of a controlled substance and giving a false police report after falsely claiming to have been stabbed in the head with an axe and claiming that it was actually a ghost who planted the crystal meth that authorities found on his nightstand.  First of all, why is it that whenever a meth addict gets arrested, they always seem to be wearing a white t-shirt?  Anyway, I have no sympathy.  I mean, this guy is obviously old enough to know that it’s never a good idea to trust a ghost carrying a pickaxe and a vile of crystal meth. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Weird Goblin Planet Found On The Edge Of Solar System:   A strange little dwarf planet that travels the fringes of our solar system with a diameter of just 186 miles has been determined to have a 40,000-year orbit.  You mean to tell me a year there is rea...

Police Arrest Man for Groping Fast-Food Worker:  Police in central Pennsylvania say they found a suspected groper of a fast-food worker by following a trail of the curly fries he left behind.  When confronted by police, the man claimed he was just only trying to get a good feel for the service there. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Attempt Picture of Black Hole:  Scientists at a University of Arizona are working on plans to snap a first-ever picture of the black hole at the center of our Milky Way galaxy.  And as a cost saver, given that they’re photographing a “black hole” - I guess there’s no point wasting extra money on color film. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Study Confirms Aging Shrinks Us:  New research is confirming the assumption that most people shrink as they get older, with men getting about an inch shorter and women getting about two inches shorter between the ages of 30 to 70.  Sadly, for many g...