You've Got to Be Kidding?

Elon Musk’s Neuralink Unveils Pigs with Computer Chips in Their Brains:   Tesla and SpaceX founder Elon Musk has just showcased pigs with computer chips in their brains during his unveiling of Neuralink , an upcoming technology aiming to bring symbiosis between artificial intelligence and the human brain, which Musk hopes will help fight medical conditions such as memory loss, blindness and paralysis. Of course, some folks are now warning that devices such as these, could lead us all down a slippery slope - but, the pigs have been defending their participation in the study, pointing out that all they’re really trying to do - is bring home the bacon, without actually becoming bacon. Who knows, maybe one day soon, you’ll see these porkers driving around town in brand new Teslas.  That said, you can bet the minute they start implanting these devices into humans, some folks will go into existential crisis, every time Neuralink issues a new hardware or software update.   ...

Harvard’s Robotic Insects Finally Take Flight:   Researchers at Harvard University say they have designed and built a new, breakthrough type of solar-powered robotic insect that is capable of true, untethered flight.   Good grief, I’ve been fighting insect infestations every summer for years and years, and now you tell me their designing mechanical ones?  I mean, just what I need - a solar-powered fly to land in my soup! Kind of makes you wonder, what the hell’s next - robotic rodent infestations?  Then, I suppose, we’ll all need to purchase a bunch of specially-designed robotic cats to try and catch the damn things.  For crying out loud - please make it all stop! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

UK Health Group Says Too Much Cleanliness Not Bad for Health:   According to The Royal Society for Public Health, the notion that too much cleanliness can be bad for your health and that children need to be exposed to germs is a “dangerous myth.”  Oh hell!  And to think I’ve been keeping my house a total mess all this time - you know, just to strengthen my defenses.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mars Rover Snaps Pic With Mystery Lights Way in the Background:   The internet is abuzz with conspiracy theories after a picture, snapped by NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover, shows a very mysterious looking light way off in the distance.  Personally, I think it’s just the headlights from a commuter, who decided to take a detour off that damn 405 freeway here in LA.  Hell, traffic’s been so messed up on that freeway, I don’t blame them for taking an alternative route - even if it is a bit out of the way.  I mean, who the hell wants to deal with a...

Scientists Say Plants Can Actually Talk:   Botanists say plants can really talk and have the recordings to prove it.  In fact, visitors to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden can actually listen to recordings of the songs corn plants sing.  Yea, well then, anyone who comes over to my place, better make up their minds pretty damn fast - who the hell are you gonna believe, me or some ly’n philodendron?  Frankly, I’m getting sick and tired of houseplants making up wicked lies and spreading them all over the living room.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Scientists Explain How They Are Able to Date Fossils:   While ancient fossils don’t come with a day/date stamp on them, geologists say they are buried along with plenty of clues which allow scientists to reconstruct their age and history - a process which explains how scientists are able to “date” the fossils.  Wow, now that’s all news to me.  I assumed they dated the fossils by just ha...

Scientists Create New Life Form Using Human-Made DNA:   Scientists announced they’ve created a living organism whose DNA is entirely human-made - which experts are calling a new form of life and a milestone in the field of synthetic biology.   Wow, how exciting!  And to think those new organisms will now have their whole “artificial lives” ahead of them.  Hell, perhaps Lori Loughlin could even give them some useful tips about how to get their “artificial offspring” accepted into USC. On the other hand, if they’re anything like us, in a couple of generations, they’ll be complaining about how the quality of “artificial life” has gone way down from what it used to be. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Scientists Revive the Brain Cells In Dead Pigs:   In a study that raises profound questions about the fine line between life and death, researchers have restored cellular activity to brains removed from slaughtered pigs. So, my question is, if we can revive someone’s brain after they’re dead, will the insurance companies pay for it?  I’m certainly no health insurance authority, but death seems like a pretty obvious “pre-existing condition.”  Not to mention that, in the case of Donald Trump and his supporters - giving them a pig brain would have to be considered one helluva upgrade.  Good luck with that! And how would this work anyway?  Are you telling me that someone could die and then scientists would bring them back to life by replacing their brain with the brain of a dead pig?  I mean, where the hell is Mary Shelley and Mel Brooks when you need them?  On the other hand, all this sounds like simply fantastic news for the Walt Disney Compa...

Here's a pic of me attempting to "log into" Spectrum's remote WiFi connection yesterday. Well, next thing you know - this fellow walks up and tries to convince me they have a much easier way to do it now. Do you suppose that's true, or is he one of those hackers trying to steal my damn password? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Scientist Who Popularized Term Global Warming Dead at 87:   Wallace Smith Broecker, the Columbia University professor and researcher who raised early alarms about climate change and popularized the term "global warming,” has died at age 87.  Meanwhile, angry Trump supporters are demanding to know why it is - if global warming is supposed to be real, did he die in the dead of winter instead of from heat stroke? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Kylie Jenner Claims She Was Financially Cut at Age 15:   Reality star and makeup mogul Kylie Jenner responded to critics of her being named by Forbes as “one of America’s richest self-made women,” by claiming that none of her money is inherited and her parents cut her off at age 15.  No kidding!  None of her money is inherited because no one’s died yet.  In her defense, I don’t think Kylie quite understands the full meaning of the phrase “cut off.”  I suggest if she really wants to know ...

Pic Shows Ultima Thule Is Two Asteroids That Got Stuck Together:  Closeup pictures taken by the New Horizons spacecraft - show that Ultima Thule is actually two asteroids who’ve collided and have stuck together many years ago.  Two asteroids stuck together?  Now I’m no astronomer, but come on!  This pic is essentially asteroid porn - why it’s a photograph of two conjugating asteroids getting it on.  And the sad thing is, the poor asteroids probably figured that since they’re 4 billion miles away from anything, they’d finally have a little privacy - but nooooo!  We have to send our damn cameras out to photograph them in the act - and then, to add insult to injury - blast it all over the internet.  For God’s sake, is nothing sacred anymore? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Google Gets FCC Approval to Use Radar-Based Motion Sensor:  Google has won FCC approval for a sensor which allows you to control your gadgets and device features ...

Nigerian President Denies Dying and Being Replaced by a Clone:  Speaking at a recent conference, Nigeria’s President Muhammadu Buhari denied claims that he had died and been replaced by a Sudanese impostor or a clone, breaking his silence on a rumor that has been circulating on social media for months. Wait a minute, I think I saw that movie - “ Weekend at Muhammadu’s. ”  And, if I remember correctly - wasn’t it was a Sudanese actor who played the lead?  Who do they think they’re kidding anyway?  After all, I wasn’t born yesterday! Now, of course, I’m sitting out here in California - so I have no sure-fire way to confirm or deny all these rumors, but I do know one thing - if you can’t believe Nigerian e-mails and social media posts, what the hell can you believe? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Scientists Puzzled by How the Octopus Got to Be So Smart:  One of the things that has puzzled scientists for a long time now is how intelligent animals actually got to be that way - especially cephalopods such as the octopus.  Frankly, I’m less concerned about why the octopus is so smart as I am about why the “Octomom” is so dumb.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Neil deGrasse Tyson Sexual Misconduct Claims Being Investigated:   Fox and the producers of the television series “Cosmos” have announced they’ve opened an investigation into multiple sexual misconduct claims against the show’s host, famed astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.  Now I, of course, can’t really address these allegations, but I do know that Neil deGrasse Tyson was one of the primary people responsible for Pluto being downgraded from a planet to a dwarf planet.  This may very well be Pluto’s revenge.  And while I don’t know very much about astronomy, the one thi...

Some Believe Mysterious Asteroid May Actually Be a Space Probe:  Some astronomers say there’s a remote possibility that a mysterious, cigar-shaped asteroid called Oumuamua, the first interstellar object ever seen in our solar system - which has been spotted making unexpected boosts in speed and shifts in trajectory, may actually be a gigantic alien solar sail, sent here to look for signs of life.   Possibly, or - it could just be a frigg’n rock .  Now let’s think about this folks - we have a highly advanced, alien civilization that’s building its high tech equipment out of rock?  Sure, that sounds logical!  I don’t know about you folks, but I’d kinda like to believe that if some advanced alien civilization actually exists, it could at least come up with a way cooler looking space vehicle design than a big chunk of elongated rock.   Besides, if this asteroid really were some sort of advanced solar probe, designed to send broadcast signals bac...

Dyson Set to Manufacture Its Electric Car in Singapore:   After helping convince people in the UK to support Brexit, iconic UK vacuum manufacturer Dyson just announced it will manufacture its new electric car at a plant in Singapore.  Building their factory in Singapore instead of the UK after encouraging everyone to vote for Brexit?  Well - that sucks almost as much as their vacuums do. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  World's Oldest Intact Shipwreck Found Off the Coast of Bulgaria:   The world’s oldest, intact shipwreck - thought to be an ancient Greek merchant ship, has been discovered off the coast of Bulgaria, with a complete rudder, rowing benches, and hold.  While maritime archaeologists were really jubilant about the find, President Trump told reporters that he prefers ships that stay above the water. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Most Americans Wish to Die Before Hitting 100:  A Pew Research surv...

Canada Running Out of Marijuana Two Days after Legalization:   Marijuana retailers across Canada have reportedly been experiencing shortages or running out of stock entirely just two days after the country moved to legalize the recreational sale of marijuana.  The shortage is apparently so  severe   the UN General Assembly voted unanimously to ask Willie Nelson to head up to Canada to do a benefit concert.  One thing’s for sure, if Canada is finally able to replenish its pot supplies - Santa’s going to really enjoy those Canadian Christmas cookies this year.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com BepiColombo Launches on Long Journey to Mercury:   BepiColombo, a joint mission of the European and Japanese space agencies, set off from a launchpad in French Guiana aboard an Ariane 5 rocket on its long journey to Mercury.  Geez, Mercury is right next to the sun - so a lot can go wrong.  One thing’s for certain, if this mission fail...

China to Launch Artificial Moon Into Orbit to Light Up City:   Chinese officials say they plan to launch a satellite into orbit by 2020 that will act as an artificial moon - one that will be able to directly reflect light from the sun onto the streets of Chengdu, China at night, a city of nearly 14 million people. Wow, this is just a fantastic news - especially for those who feel we just don’t have enough light pollution here on Earth.  I mean, just think of it - a gigantic headlight, shining down from outer space - directly into our bedroom windows at night.  What could be more comforting than that?  Now is it just me, or does this sound like it’s gonna be one hell on an expensive light bulb?   Of course afterwards, I suppose they’ll need to send up something to block the sun during day, just to try and counteract all the negative effects caused by reflecting all that sunlight down to earth during the night when it’s supposed to be dark.  Hell,...

Hawking Predicted Wealthy Will Create Superhuman Race:   In a collection of articles and essays, the late physicist Stephen Hawking is still creating controversy by suggesting a new race of superhumans that could destroy the rest of humanity may develop through wealthy people having their and their children’s DNA edited.  Sounds like a dire prediction.  On the other hand, if it helps eliminate all the idiot drivers on the road, I’m all for it.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Kidman Claims Tom Cruise Marriage Kept Her From Being Sexually Harassed:   In a recent interview, Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman claimed that she felt that being married to an extremely powerful man like Tom Cruise protected her from being sexually harassed.  Hell, if that theory is correct, then it sounds like probably about the safest thing an actress could do back in those days - would have been to marry Bill Cosby or Harvey Weinstein. https://www.johnny...

Louisiana Man Claims Ghost Planted Meth at His Home:   A 59-year-old Louisiana man who called police to his home was charged with possession of a controlled substance and giving a false police report after falsely claiming to have been stabbed in the head with an axe and claiming that it was actually a ghost who planted the crystal meth that authorities found on his nightstand.  First of all, why is it that whenever a meth addict gets arrested, they always seem to be wearing a white t-shirt?  Anyway, I have no sympathy.  I mean, this guy is obviously old enough to know that it’s never a good idea to trust a ghost carrying a pickaxe and a vile of crystal meth. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Weird Goblin Planet Found On The Edge Of Solar System:   A strange little dwarf planet that travels the fringes of our solar system with a diameter of just 186 miles has been determined to have a 40,000-year orbit.  You mean to tell me a year there is rea...

Amazon Announces New Alexa-Controlled Microwave Oven:  Amazon has officially gotten into the kitchen appliance market with its new $59.99 Alexa-controlled microwave oven.  Analysts say its the perfect item those who feel that having to push three or four buttons to cook a meal is just way too much work.  Unfortunately, it appears folks will still have to get their butts up off the couch and physically put the food into the microwave if they want it cooked.  Now I ask you, where is the justice in that? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Bill Cosby Attorneys Argue He’s Legally Blind:  In court during his sentencing hearing, Bill Cosby’s attorneys argued that he should receive the lightest possible sentence because he’s legally blind.  OK, he may be legally blind, but you know what - I still wouldn’t advise going on a blind date with him. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com First Photos From the Surface of an Asteroid Released: ...

Pimples Are Now In and Becoming the Latest Craze:  Celebrities and bloggers are going bare-faced on social media as more of the trendy folks are joining the acne positivity movement and Teen Vogue has even launched the inaugural Acne awards.  Its about time!  I knew all this acne stuff would eventually come to a head.  If someone doesn’t like your pimples, just put the squeeze on them!  But whatever you do, don’t let them get under your skin!  Now, if we can somehow just get a toenail fungus positivity movement going - I believe we’ll pretty much have it all covered. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Genetic Skin Graft Helps Mice Kick Cocaine Habit:   A new treatment using CRISPR and a genetically engineered skin graft, is helping reduce cocaine cravings in mice, giving researchers hope we are on the verge of finding a cure for addiction.  While there’s no question we need to treat cocaine addiction in mice - no one wants to see mice...

Son Sues Cryonics Firm for $1 Million Over Decapitating Father’s Head:  A son is suing the cryonics firm Alcor for one million dollars for not respecting his late father’s wishes (and contract) to have his “entire body” cryogenically preserved.  Instead, the firm severed and stored only the man’s head, mailing the rest of his cremated remains to his son.   Wow, that really sucks!  By the time they finally get around to reviving him, the poor guy won’t even be tall enough to go on any rides at Disneyland.  On a positive note, if Disney ever decides to do another remake of the “Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” he’d of course be a shoe-in for the part.  Now Sleepy Hollow has always been a rather “chilling” tale, but adding cryonics takes that to a whole new level.    Meanwhile, an Alcor spokesperson tried to justify severing the head by pointing out that the man was a renowned scientist and already had a large “body” of work he left behind - so w...