You've Got to Be Kidding?

Alligator Bites Off Arm of Florida Man Fleeing Police:  Police in Lakeland, Florida, are searching for an alligator that bit off the hand and forearm of a man who was attempting to elude authorities by running into a lake. Gee, now I wonder why they’d be looking for the poor alligator?  Do they need it to make a statement or something?  I mean, this is Florida - and the gator was just taking a bite out of crime.   Hell, the cops didn't even have to disarm the guy - the gator took care of that.  Wonder how the hell the cop managed to handcuff a guy with one arm?  Someone must have lent him a hand.  Sounds like the cops may as well just exchange their K9 police dogs - for alligators. Meanwhile, some are making the argument that the gator’s actions actually constitute a form of arm robbery in and of itself, but we’ll have to wait and see where the scales of justice fall on that one.  Of course, this incident does raise some valid legal questio...

White House Moves Bush and Clinton Portraits to a Back Room:   The White House has reportedly moved the presidential portraits of Bill Clinton and George W Bush, from the building's entrance hall, where President Trump had to frequently pass by them, to a back room - which is primarily used for storing tablecloths and furniture. Hell, if President Trump really wanted to move them to somewhere where he’d never have to encounter them again, why not just hang them in the White House library?  But, in all fairness, I understand exactly where he’s coming from on this.  After all, he needed to make room for Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un’s portraits. Perhaps the next President could in turn reciprocate, by having Trump’s portrait moved into one of the White House’s public bathrooms.  Of course, Trump needn’t worry, for I’m sure his portrait will forever be prominently displayed throughout the Kremlin.  That said, it kind of makes me wonder as to just wh...

Emboldened Wild Animals Venture Into Locked-Down Cities Worldwide:   As we humans continue to quarantine ourselves around the world, many city dwellers have been reporting seeing emboldened groups of wild animals roaming empty streets, trying to recapture what was once a bustling urban environment. Well, I’m not surprised one bit.  My guess is - the lazy bastards are here, hoping to snag a few of those big fat stimulus checks, right out of innocent citizen’s mailboxes.   Pretty stupid idea if you ask me.  Where the hell do they expect to cash those checks anyway?  Hell, nothing’s open!  And even if there were, good luck trying to show some photo ID.  I mean, not even a Trump University grad would be dumb enough to cash a check for some hairy-hoofed grifters, with antlers protruding out of their foreheads, who trots into some establishment “crying wolf.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Cougars Venturing Into Quarantined Santiago for Food:   In a surreal image for this normally bustling city, cougars have been sighted venturing into the empty streets of Santiago - while everyone’s under quarantine.  Wildlife officials say the big cats are taking advantage of the empty streets to look for food. Oh, great!  So now you’re telling me that that not only do weary Santiago residents have to be fearful of contacting COVID-19 - but now, it seems they also can add getting eaten by lions to their nightmares?   A ll I can say to these lions is - if you’re looking for food, good luck trying to find a decent meal in Santiago these days.  Hell, nothin’s open.   Why, if one ever came into my restaurant, I doubt if I’d even serve ‘em.  Hell, those cougar’s table manners are so disgusting, my gu ess is - they’d run all the decent paying customers right out of the place . https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com