You've Got to Be Kidding?

Bloomberg reports genetic testing company 23andMe has confirmed that some 6.9 million of their customers had their data compromised after an anonymous hacker accessed user profiles by using compromised passwords from other websites and posted that data for sale on the dark web earlier this year.   This data breach included information from nearly half of all 23andMe’s users. Wow, say it isn’t so!  I mean, who could’ve ever dreamed that someone’s online information could be compromised?  Why, I’ve never heard of such a thing.  Of course, the truth be known, all the hackers actually got was simply an “analysis” of people's DNA, including things such as your ancestral origins, along with how likely you are to develop certain diseases.  You know, whether or not you’ll go bald or get Athlete’s Foot if you walk around barefoot in your gym’s locker room.  Not their actual DNA data.  The fact is, this has happened to me so many times from various corporate w...

A new study published last month in the journal “ Behavioural Processes” found that, surprisingly, cats displayed at least 276 different facial expressions.   Starting back in August 2021, researchers filmed about 30 cats that were up for adoption once a week at the CatCafe Lounge in Los Angeles.   Overall, researchers say they were able to observe 53 cats in total. Gee, who knew there were 276 different variations of “You are my servant.”  Now, I have no idea why a bunch of cats were hanging out at the “CatCafe Lounge” in LA.   I guess they must have been hoping to catch a few “lounge lizards.”   Frankly, I’m surprised these researchers only found 276 different facial expressions.   I mean, my cat “Smokey” has so many different facial expressions; he makes Meryl Streep look like a friggin’ amateur.   In fact, he’s been busy working on an all-cat remake of one of Meryl Streep’s most famous films, only this one will be called “Smokey’s Choice.” Anyway...

Researchers in the Netherlands found in a new, peer-reviewed study of hospital workers that people who pick their noses habitually have a three times greater likelihood of contracting COVID than those who don’t.  Nearly 85% of those surveyed reported they picked their noses at least once in the previous month with varying frequencies. Gee, whiz!  Now that’s some interesting news!  Hell, now I'm all set for trivia night.  That said, and if I’m understanding this correctly, this study conclusively proved that “most hospital workers pick their noses.”  Who knew?  Now, if you ask me, the REAL NEWS here has nothing to do with COVID.  It’s that “a whole bunch of hospital workers actually admitted they pick their noses.” The funny thing is, there was a small group of those nose-pickers who were kind of bold about it all and proudly pointed out that, “The beauty of nose-picking is that each of us have two completely separate nasal cavities, so there’s never an...

According to a new study published in the journal PLOS Genetics , a team of scientists has just thawed out and revived a prehistoric roundworm that has been frozen in the Siberian permafrost for the past 46,000 years.   These parasitic microorganisms seem to have remained alive by entering a state called cryptobiosis, in which they reduce their metabolism to extremely low levels to withstand extreme conditions.   Essentially, the worms were frozen in time. Frozen in time?   Hell, that sounds a helluva lot like today's Republican Party.   Of course, reviving these roundworms is a big deal - and not just for science!   Why we could be talking about the next big star of some Pixar film.   Either that or this whole escapade is like the opening scene of a 1950s horror film that didn’t end well.   You be the judge.   That said, we shouldn’t downplay the scientific significance.   After all, theoretically, there’s a slight possibility this worm coul...

As deadly new variants of the coronavirus are spreading rapidly around the globe, a disturbing new Gallup poll found American confidence in science has split heavily along party lines, with 79 percent of Democrats expressing confidence in science, while only 45 percent of Republicans say they believe in science.   Really?  Oh, for the love of Trump!  And, from the looks of things, it also appears a lot of these same Trump Republicans don’t have much “confidence” in dental hygiene either.  Don’t laugh, good folks like these have kept denture makes and dental implant centers in business for years.  Why, what’s more American than a water glass with dentures soaking in it, resting on a night stand next to your bed? Besides, with the good folks like Tucker Carlson, Lauren Boebert (R-CO), Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), and Madison Cawthorn (R-NC) - keeping “patriots” informed about all the evils and dangers of COVID vaccines, who needs science?  After a...

Joseph Ferrari, Professor of Psychology at DePaul University in Chicago, says his research has determined that procrastinating really has very little to do with laziness.   Ferrari theorizes that there are three types of procrastinators: Thrill-Seekers - who crave the rush of putting off tasks until the last minute and believe they work best under pressure; Avoiders - who procrastinate to avoid being judged for how they perform on a project; and Indecisives - who have difficulty making important or stressful decisions, often because they’re ruminating over several choices. Perhaps, but I happen to be someone who is a totally “self-aware” procrastinator.  For example, let’s say I wake up one day and have 25 things that absolutely need to get done before the end of the day.  Now, I know I can’t possibly get them all done unless I completely organize, prioritize and strategize about how I’m gonna go about getting all these tasks accomplished.  The problem lies in th...

Scientists have just announced that a massive fossilized skull found in China - considered to be at least 140,000 years old - is a “new species” of ancient human which they are labeling as “Dragon Man.” Researchers say this finding could potentially change prevailing views of how and even where Homo Sapiens evolved. OK fine, but that still doesn’t explain anything about those roughly 74 million Trump voters from the past election.  Paleoanthropologists admit they still don’t have a clue as to what species these knuckle-draggers may belong.  I mean, one of them even showed up at the Capitol last Jan 6th - wearing animal hides and horns on his head.  Now, if I understand everything correctly, this means “Trumpers” not only existed prior to 2015, but may also date as far back as 140,000 years ago.  I’ll tell ya, these scientists definitely have their work cut out for them - if they wanna try and identify these freaks.  Meanwhile, researchers report that whil...

New Research Finds Traffic Noise Affecting Bird's Singing Abilities:   A new study conducted by Germany's Max Planck Institute for Ornithology , found that the constant traffic noise of modern-day life is interfering with how young birds learn to sing.  Researchers say that the noisy settings in which birds now learn songs, frequently result in birds making “mistakes” while learning these songs, and that these “mistakes” often accumulate when the songs are passed on to the next generation of birds. Entertainment lawyers say these so-called bird “mistakes” frequently result in “altered songs,” which can raise numerous copyright issues.  So far, any attempts to prosecute the birds over these “altered songs” have failed, in part because the bird’s attorneys were able to successfully argue that the “noise issue” was really behind any “alteration” of these songs - and not any attempt at copyright infringement.   Legal analysts believe this study will only further serve to...

New Study Finds Mammals Can Actually Breathe Through Their Anuses:   Researchers at Tokyo Medical and Dental University, have shown that it is possible for mammals to absorb oxygen through their anus.   After being intrigued by how certain sea creatures are able to breathe through their intestines in emergencies, Japanese scientists decided to run experiments that eventually proved this phenomenon was also true for mice, rats, and pigs. Frankly, I’m not one bit surprised.  After all, we all know people who “talk right out their ass,” so why not breathe out of it also?  Hell, this may even account for why Republicans always seem to shout "Butt, Benghazi,” every time one of their political shenanigans gets their asses backed up against the wall.  It may also help to explain Donald Trump's breath. Now, I realize many of you may think studies like these are just a big joke, but scientists claim this research involves some really “serious sh*t.”  In fact, t...

Scientists Making Strides Into How Dinosaurs May Have Mated:   Scientists from the University of Bristol and the University of Massachusetts Amherst revealed in the journal Current Biology that research on a Regaliceratops peterhewsi fossil, has allowed them to draw some rather interesting conclusions in their attempt to discover exactly how dinosaurs may have mated. Now, wait a minute!  Just what kind of people sit around thinking about dinosaurs having sex anyway?  Why, I certainly don’t.  I mean, I could have sworn that I saw a film way back when that claimed that the dinosaurs actually came into being through a cloning effort being conducted on some remote tropical island called Isla Nublar , just off Costa Rica.   Now, as far as dinosaurs mating, I’m quite sure -  as folks like Marjorie Taylor Greene or any good evangelical Donald Trump-loving Christian will tell you - “dinosaur mating happened when a mommy dinosaur and a daddy dinosaur loved each ...

New Findings Indicate Tyrannosaurs Likely Hunted in Packs:   Challenging long-held assumptions that the iconic dinosaurs were solitary predators, new fossils unearthed in Utah's Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument indicate that Tyrannosaurs probably hunted in packs.   The new findings could provide fresh support for the Biden administration as it considers expanding the boundaries of this once-protected area that former President Donald Trump cut in half back in 2017. Oh great - so now they tell me these monsters actually hunted in packs?   Oh how fun!  I guess that means that all my worst recurring nightmares - can now have a brand new theme.  Oh, so that doesn’t scare you at all?  Well sure, everybody thinks they’re a big tough guy, till a pack of these T-Rexes shows up down the block.  Hell, the way I look at it, about the only thing worse than being hunted down by a T-Rex - would be being hunted down by a whole pack of “We-Rexes.” Of c...

Scientists Say They’re Close to Cloning a Woolly Mammoth:  Scientists say gene-editing technologies such as CRISPR, may soon open up a shortcut to resurrecting the woolly mammoth, but some argue doing so could be both risky and unethical.   Well, my feeling is - why even bother? I mean, it isn’t like we need the extra wool. Hell, I just checked over at Target, and they seem to have no shortage of cheap wool suits and sweaters for sale. Besides, call me old-fashioned, but I still find it a helluva lot easier counting sheep than wooly mammoths.  And, mark my words, bring back wooly mammoths, and the next thing you know, you’ll have all the elephants and the mammoths body-shaming each other. “Why, you’re as fat as an elephant under all that fur. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes.”  Not to mention, if we bring back woolly mammoths, can cavemen be far behind? Think about it! And, just where the hell are we supposed to house them? I mean, who knows if we even have ...

White House Science Office Claiming Trump Ended COVID-19 Pandemic:  The White House’s Office of Science and Technology Policy lists "ending the COVID-19 pandemic" as the top accomplishment of President Trump’s first term, even as the U.S. continues to set records for new daily infections and numerous hospitals across the country are stretched to their breaking points. Oh, what a relief!  Did ya hear that America?  The pandemic’s over - so you can stop dying now!  Gee, I’ll bet those 83,000 folks who were just diagnosed today, will definitely be surprised to hear this.   Of course, the truth is - Donald Trump didn’t really stop the pandemic at all.  What he actually did was - he stopped doing anything about the pandemic.  And, while I’m sure that nuance will confuse Trump supporters, there is a difference. That said, kind of makes you wonder just who the hell is running the White House Science Office anyway - Ivanka or Eric?  One thing’s for...

USGS Says Human Feces Contains Gold Worth Millions:  In one of those truth-is-stranger-than-fiction stories, experts at the US Geological Survey say they’ve discovered human feces contains enough gold, platinum and silver, that - if retrieved - could be worth upwards of hundreds of millions of dollars.   The agency further estimates that the value of the metal in the biological waste from only one million Americans, may be worth as much as $13 million.   Wait a minute, if my calculations are correct, that’s roughly $13 - for every time you sit on the crapper!  Hell, maybe it’s time to start thinking about going back on that high-fiber diet again.  Now, pardon my skepticism, but I’m finding this story a bit hard to digest.   I mean, what the hell kind of upside-down, crazy, insane “gold rush" is this supposed to be?  Are you trying to tell me that that “pot of gold” we’ve all dreamed about, is actually my commode?  Say it isn’t so!  I’ll ...

White House Promotion of Herd Immunity Appalls Top Scientists:   With more than 20 states setting new records for coronavirus infections in recent days, the White House has been still busy pushing the completely unproven theory of "herd immunity” - which means allowing the virus to spread freely among healthy young people, while keeping most aspects of the economy up and running.   To promote the theory, the White House has been relying on a small community of rogue scientists like Dr. Scott Atlas, and ignoring the warnings of the rest of the scientific community. Oh yeah, I “herd" about that theory!  In fact, I’m pretty sure the Herd Immunity Theory originally came out of the Dr. Josef Mengele branch of medicine.  Well, sounds like it’s finally time to roundup all those folks in that deadbeat over-60 crowd - and send them off to “granny ghettos” - for their own “protection,” of course.  That said, for better or worse, I do fully understand the point Rep...

Study Identifies Largest Flying Creature That Ever Lived: Scientists have finally identified and unveiled a new airplane-sized species of pterosaur named Cryodrakon boreas, which scientists say was first discovered more than 30 years ago in Alberta, Canada - a species that lorded over the primeval skies in the late Cretaceous period. So, you’re telling me that scientists have finally figured out this gigantic beast was Canadian?  Hell, I’m no paleontologist, but even I could have even figured that out.  I mean, what the hell do they think that big “red maple leaf” on its back is all about?  In fact, my guess is - it must have been on some sort of prehistoric, Cretaceous era Air Canada flight, when it crashed. Of course, as we all know, air travel back in those days was quite a bit different than it is today.  Why, I’m told that on some non-stop Cretaceous period flights, you might even get served an entire barbecued stegosaurus for your in-flight meal, instead of...

Elon Musk’s Neuralink Unveils Pigs with Computer Chips in Their Brains:   Tesla and SpaceX founder Elon Musk has just showcased pigs with computer chips in their brains during his unveiling of Neuralink , an upcoming technology aiming to bring symbiosis between artificial intelligence and the human brain, which Musk hopes will help fight medical conditions such as memory loss, blindness and paralysis. Of course, some folks are now warning that devices such as these, could lead us all down a slippery slope - but, the pigs have been defending their participation in the study, pointing out that all they’re really trying to do - is bring home the bacon, without actually becoming bacon. Who knows, maybe one day soon, you’ll see these porkers driving around town in brand new Teslas.  That said, you can bet the minute they start implanting these devices into humans, some folks will go into existential crisis, every time Neuralink issues a new hardware or software update.   ...

Spring Breakers in Miami Say Coronavirus Won’t Stop Them from Partying:   A widely viewed video is stirring up quite a bit of controversy - with the video showing spring breakers in Miami totally downplaying the threat of the coronavirus pandemic and the need for social distancing, with one kid declaring "If I get corona, I get corona - at the end of the day, I'm not going to let it stop me from partying.” Wow, “if I get corona, I get corona?”  Now, I could be wrong about this, but it sure looks to me like this guy’s already had plenty of Coronas.   I’m telling ya!  These kids today - with their Elvis Presley records, their white t-shirts, their hula hoops and that greased-back hair.  Geez!   Why, back in my day, most students spent their spring breaks in solitary prayer and meditation.  Darn, what a shame we didn’t have cameras all over the place like we do today, so I could verify that for you. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Coronavirus Truthers Preying on the Anxieties of the Moment:   As the global coronavirus outbreak continues to spread fear and uncertainty throughout the country, many conservative Republican commentators have seen this as an opportunity to float wild conspiracy theories about what’s behind the outbreak, such as former Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke, who considers all this coronavirus stuff a giant hoax, and is now urging citizens to take to the streets to prevent the coronavirus from taking away all our freedoms as Americans. Yeah well, I suggest Sheriff Clarke should perhaps stick to commenting about things where he actually has some expertise - like donuts. On the other hand, it is rather encouraging to see that the Republican party is finally diversifying a bit - and that they’ve now welcomed “the Cowboy” from the Village People into their ranks. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Tom Hanks and Wife Rita Test Positive for the Coronavirus:   Actor Tom Hanks announced on social media that he and his wife, the actress Rita Wilson, have tested positive for coronavirus. Now, wait a just a doggone minute!  Just what the hell kind of twisted, demented, dystopian world are we living in, when people like Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson come down with the dreaded coronavirus, yet Donald Trump is still happily galavanting around the country, holding his P. T. Barnum-style pep rallies - and telling everyone that the coronavirus is fake news? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Bloomberg Campaign Staffers Offered Chance to Keep iPhones and Laptops:   Former Bloomberg Campaign staffers just received an email, informing them they have the option to keep their work-provided iPhones and laptops as a kind of severance pay - but also warned that employees will still liable to pay taxes on those items. OK, and that’s all just fine and good - but the truth...