You've Got to Be Kidding?

Right-wing podcast host and Trump apologist Steve Bannon told viewers on his Real America’s Voice “War Room” show that children should be taught to handle guns in school so they are not "picked on" by bullies.   Bannon claims, “We should get kids off social media and start teaching them the proper use of guns, how to defend themselves, their own self-defense,” adding that “we should make that an integrated part of the education so they're not picked on or not threatened and certainly not scared.” Why, what an innovative idea!  Put an end to school bullying by letting the kiddies loose in the schoolyard with loaded guns.   Makes you wonder why no educational institutions ever have come up with an idea like that before.   And Red State politicians could pass “Stand Your Playground” laws to legally protect school kids who have chosen to exercise their “God-given” Second Amendment rights on each other in America’s schoolyards. Obviously, it takes a dedicated MAGA Republ...

During his speech at this year’s NRA convention, former President Donald J. Trump warned conventioneers that “gangs of hundreds of young, usually young people go and attack a department store - department stores in San Francisco and Los Angeles and Chicago, and they run in by the hundreds, and they’re running out carrying refrigerators and carrying air conditioners and big stuff.   Big, little, everything.   Fur coats, not fur coats, everything they’re carrying.   They empty out the stores.” Oh, my word!  So, they’re walking out with refrigerators and air conditioners?   What the hell?   Are they hiding them under their coats?   All I can say is - those gotta be some pretty damn big-ass coats!   I tell ya, what’s up with these kids today, anyway?   Why in my day, we used to walk out carrying a refrigerator tucked under one arm and a La-Z-Boy recliner under the other.   And, we’d carry it all straight uphill for eight miles in 3 feet of s...

Federal Judge Denies NRA Scheme to Declare Bankruptcy:   A federal judge has denied an effort by the National Rifle Association (NRA) to file for bankruptcy protection, ruling that the gun-rights group had filed the case in a bad-faith attempt to try and fend off a lawsuit by the New York attorney general.   The hearing painted the “non-profit” as an organization that prioritized extravagant perks and insider payments to chief executive Wayne LaPierre and other executives - such as mansions, yachts, private jets, and expensive suits - at the expense of its rank-and-file members.”   Wow, one almost gets the impression that the NRA and Republicans don’t really promote the 2nd Amendment as a way to protect our democracy, but use it instead as a way to threaten our democratic system of government and any politics with which they happen to disagree.  Gee, who could have known - other than anyone who still has a reasonable amount of integrity or sanity left in them?...

NRA Bankruptcy Hearing Exposes Lavish Spending and Russian Expenditures:  Those following the bankruptcy case of the National Rifle Association (NRA), know that the hearing has already produced scores of embarrassing revelations about lavish spending, such as providing chief executive Wayne LaPierre with a 108-foot luxury yacht and a brand new $6.5 million mansion for his “personal security” after the Parkland, Florida killings.   Now, it’s also been disclosed that a law firm sent NRA Secretary and General Counsel John Frazer's office a mysterious invoice in 2020 for $59,155.25 - which was simply labeled as “Russia.” Gee whiz, so if I’m understanding all this correctly, NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre is basically saying that “the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun, is by providing a millionaire NRA executive with a huge mansion and a 108-foot luxury yacht.”  Interesting concept!  Now, I’m not sure that makes a whole lot of sense, but then again - I’ve never been all that...

NRA Will File for Bankruptcy and Flee to Texas to Avoid NY Litigation:   The National Rifle Association announced Friday that it plans to file for bankruptcy and move to Texas to reorganize, fleeing ongoing litigation brought against it by the New York State attorney general Letitia James, who has sought to dissolve the organization for violating its nonprofit status. Wow, you mean the once all-powerful NRA is actually going bankrupt?  Say it ain’t so!  Guess the money kind of dried up, ever since Maria Butina, that fun-loving, gun-loving, red-headed, vixen of a Russian spy, with her fists full of cash ready to be laundered - had to get the hell out of Dodge rather lickety-split.   Now, if those NRA folks are seriously that desperate for money, then I’d suggest they try going through the pockets of some of Wayne LaPierre’s beautifully tailored $5000 suits, to see if they could find any spare change there.  But, not to worry.  Hell, maybe after he leaves ...

Man Kills Waitress Who Asked Him to Extinguish His Cigarette:  A Mississippi man is under arrest after police say he gunned down a Waffle House waitress who had simply asked him to put out his cigarette while he was inside the restaurant.   Police are describing the incident as an open-and-shut case, adding that they’ve already recovered the “smoking” gun.  Meanwhile, an NRA spokesperson reminded reporters that “guns are not the problem here - waffles are.”  Health officials countered that this is just another example of how cigarettes can kill.   Back at the restaurant, some local hunters were also chiming-in, and while not fully condoning the shooter’s behavior, they did point out that actions such as these are occasionally necessary in small, rural communities - in order to keep the local waitress population in check.   An NRA spokesman then told the crowd that the obvious solution was to immediately arm all Waffle House waitresses throughout the st...

Many Red States Restoring Gun Rights for the Mentally Ill:  Despite the ever-rising number of gun deaths in the United States, new data indicate that many red states have been increasingly restoring the right to carry firearms to people who’ve previously lost that right, due to serious mental illness.   Meanwhile, the NRA is strongly defending the move as “absolutely necessary,” pointing out that the last thing we need to be doing during these stressful times is leaving our nation’s mentally ill, completely defenseless against a much better-equipped, extremely well-armed - imaginary enemy.   The NRA further argued that providing these vulnerable citizens with needed weaponry is especially critical during a pandemic, when folks such as paranoid schizophrenics may not be receiving their medications as frequently as they normally do, thereby increasing the perceived threat against them - by at least tenfold. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

NRA to Layoff 200 Staffers as Group Faces Massive Financial Crisis:  After spending over $30 million of a huge cash infusion from the Russians to help get Donald Trump elected in 2016, the National Rifle Association is now facing a deepening financial crisis, resulting in over 200 staff layoffs, 20% staff pay cuts, four-day workweeks, and other belt-tightening measures, according to insider NRA sources, gun analysts and other documents. Oh, the horrors of it all!  Why, if this situation isn’t resolved soon, the NRA may be forced to stop buying politicians altogether and will simply have to “bite the bullet.”  Oh well, if all those Russki rubles seem to have dried up, perhaps they could ask their Chief Executive Wayne La Pierre for a loan?  He seems to have no shortage of cash.  In the meantime, just know we’re all sending out our heartfelt thoughts and prayers, during these most difficult of times. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Michigan Hunter Shoots Brother After Mistaking Him for a Deer:   A man is recovering in a Michigan hospital after being shot by his brother in a hunting accident, who mistook his brother’s movement, off in the distance - for an injured deer he had just shot. Wow, the guy shot his "deer brother?”  Sounds like we’ve got a winner for this year’s Dick Cheney Award.  Now, on a positive note, at least he didn’t try and field dress him and then tie him to the hood of his truck.   Of course, to be completely fair here, I haven’t even seen a picture of the injured brother, so I have no idea whether or not he actually looks enough like a deer, that someone would wanna start shooting a gun at him. And is it just me, or does the idea of blasting away at something, simply because it's “moving” - seem like a not very well-thought out approach?  I mean, I see a lot of thing’s which are moving - that we probably shouldn’t shoot at. But, all that aside, I susp...

Convicted Russian Agent Maria Butina Sent Back Home:   Russian national Maria Butina, who was convicted and jailed in the US last April for being a Russian agent, during which time she admitted infiltrating and funneling influence money to the NRA, U.S. conservative activists and Republican politicians - has finally arrived back in Moscow after being released from prison early by US officials. OK, so where the hell is the NRA supposed to get all their cash from now?  From members?  Good luck with that!  I mean, you bet NRA cadre are now running around like madmen asking “where the hell are Boris & Natasha  - now that we really need them?” And good grief, to think that poor Wayne LaPierre just bought himself one of those brand spanking new, French-style country estates just outside Dallas.  And by God, those damn mansions don’t just pay for themselves. Anyway, before boarding the plane back to Russia, Ms Butina gracefully thanked all her ...

New Report Finds Russians Used Greed to Capture the NRA:   A year-long Senate finance committee investigation found that ties between the National Rifle Association (NRA) and influential Russians were both substantial and lucrative enough, to render the politically powerful gun lobby an “asset” of Russia. No kidding - an asset of Russia?  Hell, the guy who lives just down the street from me is a huge gun enthusiast.  I should probably drop by and ask him how many Rubles it takes these days to get an NRA membership. Now, the NRA has recently taken a lot of slack for opposing legislation geared toward preventing people with severe mental health issues from owning guns, but I aways understood the NRA position on the matter.  After all, if the mentally ill couldn’t own guns, then who the hell they supposed to get to join the NRA?   Of course, in all fairness, I’m sure it’s all purely coincidental that just about every single Republican or conservati...

Teen Girl With AK47 Arrested for Plan to Shoot 400 People:   An 18-year-old girl, who had been expelled from McAlester High in Oklahoma after being caught multiple times at school with a knife and a swastika, was arrested after she told co-workers she was planning to "shoot 400 people for fun" at her old high school. Wow, I’ll have to assume she may have misunderstood her guidance councilors when they told her to “dream big.”  Of course, I’m sure Trump, the NRA and the all the Republicans are gonna put the blame squarely on the dreaded video games.  OK, if that’s the case, I guess that means the cops ought to let her keep her guns, and just confiscate her video games?  Problem solved! Ironically, her co-workers told police she is one of those people who was always trying to convince people that “not all gun owners are bad people.”  Hell, maybe this was just her special way of demonstrating the difference?  Anyway, one thing’s for sure, she’s cert...

WA State Rep Helped Train Men in Christian Group for Biblical Warfare:  Washington State Rep. Matt Shea, a Republican who made national headlines last year when his document a “Biblical Basis for War” got leaked to the public, has been training young men involved in a Christian paramilitary organization called “Team Rugged.”  In addition, Rep. Shea has been identified in chat rooms discussing the need to violently attack political enemies.  All this, while he was also running the Washington State GOP.   My, my - so much for that “turn the other cheek” stuff.  And gee wiz, a religious organization training young men to fight and kill their fellow citizens who don’t hold the same beliefs - in a holy war?   Why, if one didn’t know better, one might think these folks are basically a “Christian ISIS.”  The way I look at it, it’s one thing when some crazed religious fanatic decides it’s time to “take up the sword for Jesus,” but it’s quite anoth...

Trump Says Economy Goes Down the Tubes if He Loses in 2020:  As he headed out to yet another one of his pep rallies in New Jersey, President Trump predicted that if he loses his reelection bid in 2020, the economy will “go right down the tubes.” Well, thank you Mr President, but I think at this point in time - it’s a pretty safe bet to assume that a sizable amount of the people have already concluded that “that’s a risk we’re willing to take.” I mean, running on a record of endless mass shootings, scores of appointees in jail or under indictment, looming environmental disasters and economic uncertainty?  Now, that seems like one hell of an unusual campaign platform!    Of course, the President is now blaming the Federal Reserve for all of our economic woes.  OK, so I guess now all we need to do is figure out who that idiot moron was who picked Jerome Powell to run the Fed.  Oh wait…!!! And, if I understand him correctly, the Preside...

Trump Calls Mass Shootings a Mental Illness Problem:   President Trump spoke to reporters as he was leaving his Bedminster resort after another relaxing weekend of golf, and labeled the two shootings in El Paso and Dayton, which left at least 29 people dead within 24 hours - “a mental illness problem.”   No kidding?  Gee, and here I always assumed the definition of “mental illness” was when someone actually believes something that Donald Trump has said.   Well, come to think of it, we know that at least the El Paso shooter was a big Trump devotee, so maybe Trump’s mental illness diagnosis is actually on to something?   That said, I do believe in giving credit where credit is due, so let’s thank President Trump for interrupting his busy weekend to send out prayers from his golf resort. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Ex-McConnell Staffers Lobbied for Russian-Backed Kentucky Project:  According to a new lobbying disclosure, two former “top staffers” of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have been doing some heavy lobbying of Congress and the Treasury Department on behalf of the development of a new Kentucky aluminum mill - to be financed by Russian aluminum giant Rusal.  Why, if one didn’t know better, one might mistakenly conclude that that may have had something to do with why Moscow Mitch recently saw fit to shelve proposed legislation designed to protect the US against Russian election meddling.  Say it ain’t so! Gee, can anyone say “conflict of interest?”  Now, that makes me wonder, do you suppose Trump or Mitch and his boys will eventually end up selling Kentucky to the Russians?  Now, I have no idea if the Putin or the Russians are even interested, but I do know this - I’d definately rather have a nice Kentucky Bourbon than a shot of Vodka any day. ...

Mueller Report Concludes Donald Trump Jr. Too Ignorant to Prosecute:   Donald Trump Jr. has taken to social media to brag about how he emerged from the Mueller investigation uncharged, even though it appears from the report that Mueller’s team essentially declined to prosecute him after concluding he was simply too ignorant to have knowingly committed the crime. Wow - so I'm guessing that means Tiffany is the smartest Trump after all?  On the other hand, let’s give Don Jr. a little credit.  I mean, you have to be pretty darn smart to convince Robert Mueller you’re stupid.  Sounds a lot like a classic genius move to me.  You know Don Jr. comes from a family of stable geniuses - don’t you? Of course, in all fairness, I think it’s safe to say that most hard-core Trump supporters in places like Tennessee, Alabama and West Virginia would likely be the first to admit that if Don Jr. had really been all that smart, he would have married Ivanka. Anyway, ...

Crying Nazi Threatens About Army of Fanatics Willing to Die:   After white supremacist James Fields was convicted of the first-degree murder of counter-protestor Heather Heyer during the Charlottesville alt-right rally, “Crying Nazi” Christopher Cantwell claimed Fields is innocent and warned that there is an “army of fanatics willing to die” over this matter.  Which may be so, but one thing’s for sure - from the looks of this guy, it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be starvation that kills him.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  CDC Issues Warning Against Eating Raw Cookie Dough:   Ahead of the holiday season, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is urging consumers not to eat raw cookie dough, cake mix or bread.  The agency added that if you simply must consume raw dough, try and limit it to just one lick per bowl.  In related news, the CDC also issued yet another warning to ardent Trump supporters - about the dangers of ea...

Trump Awards Elvis Presley US Presidential Medal of Freedom:  President Trump has awarded Elvis Presley the prestigious Presidential Medal of Freedom in a White House ceremony.  Now, at first I thought, what’s the point, he’s been dead for over 40 years - but then it occurred to me that his closest advisors like Alex Jones have probably totally convinced him that Elvis is actually still alive.  Anyway, not to diminish the award, I’m sure any award from coming the likes of Donald Trump will mean an awful lot to Elvis - especially at this stage of his career.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com North Carolina Man’s Runny Nose Was Actually Leaking Brain Fluid:   Some doctors told a North Carolina man his runny nose was due to allergies, while others doctors diagnosed him with pneumonia and bronchitis, but it wasn't until he saw a doctor at Mount Sinai Hospital that he learned it was a cerebrospinal fluid leak (leaking brain fluid).  So, if I’m u...

Trump Cancels Out of US WW I Cemetery Ceremony Due to Rain:   President Trump caused embarrassment and even outrage after he canceled an appearance to honor the brave sacrifices US troops made in France during World War One - because it was raining. What the hell, did the President’s favorite umbrella get bone spurs or something?  You’d think the Trump people would keep a few extra umbrellas on hand, bigly enough to protect the President’s beautiful crop of golden hair.  Besides, Trump sent Gen John Kelly in his place.  Now Gen Kelly’s already bald, so who cares if a bunch of rain falls on his head?  On the other hand, rain never seems to deter Trump from visiting to the golf course, but I digress. Oh, and did I mention that President Trump just said he’d never forgive President Obama for cutting the military budget?  I mean, just think what a hardship that probably caused to the profits and stock dividends of Mr Trump’s multinational defense c...