You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Suggests the FBI Involved in Stealing the Election:  In an interview with Fox News host Maria Bartiromo, President Trump repeated his usual false narrative about voter fraud, suggesting that dead voters, the FBI and even his own Department of Justice - may have all been “involved” in stealing the election from him. Gee, so Trump’s claiming he lost the election because millions of dead people voted?  Holy Cow!  That must mean Trump is one of those rare beings who can say “I see dead voters!”  Why, to think those savvy QAnon folks tried to warn us about dead voters months ago - and no one would listen.  Guess we were dead wrong.  Anyway, needless to say, I was rather shocked to hear that dead people were committing voter fraud, so I rang up a friend of mine who I knew had volunteered as a poll worker, and she assured me that about the closest thing she’d ever seen to dead people voting, were the braindead zombies in the red MAGA hats voting for Trump.   Anyway, so now he think

Owner of Brooklyn Mob-Linked Pizza Shop Fatally Shot:   Police report that the co-owner of a famed mob-linked Brooklyn pizza joint - once at the epicenter of a mob war over the theft of a pizza sauce recipe - has been gunned down by a man in his 30’s wearing a hoodie, in what is believed to have been a mob hit. Wow, they killed a guy over a pizza sauce recipe?  Now, that must have been some real “killer sauce.”  Oh well, I guess another one bites the crust.  And the poor victim was shot by some Mafia hitman wearing a hoodie?  Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer hitmen who wear dark Armani suits. Now, I’m certainly no detective, but my guess this all happened because the pizza joint was doing so well, and some other mob family wanted a pizza the action.  Anyway, one thing’s for sure - the Mafia sure seems to have an entirely different definition of “take out service” - than the rest of us do. Johnny Robish Comedy

Trump Says He is Mentally Unable to Concede - But Will Leave WH:  When asked by reporters on Thursday, President Trump said he would leave the White House Jan. 20th, if the Electoral College declares Joe Biden the winner, but he also indicated he was not at all prepared to concede defeat. Wow, now that’s what I call one helluva a strange concession speech.  But even so, by simply making that statement, a lot of folks will now begin to think of President Trump as just a “lame duck.” Now, to be completely honest - I generally tend to see him as more of a “dumb f**k,” than a “lame duck,” but that’s just me. Anyway, let us hope that all this chaos happening around the election results won’t further delay him from finally releasing all those long-awaited tax returns of his, or announcing all the juicy details of that “fantastic” healthcare plan he’s been promising us for the past four years? Anyway, it now appears that about the only question remaining to be answered is, will Trump

Survey Finds Startling Amount of Americans Going Hungry:  According to Census Bureau survey data collected in late October and early November, 1 in 8 Americans and 1 in 6 adults in households with children, reported they sometimes or often didn’t have enough food to eat in the past week, with nearly 26 million Americans saying they frequently go hungry. Gee, so many hungry people, and right here in America?  Now, in response - Republicans suggest folks just pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and if that doesn’t work - then perhaps try eating those bootstraps.  After all, bootstraps are known to be quite high in soluble fiber.  Meanwhile, a confused Ivanka Trump asked her father “Daddy, why would anyone be hungry in America?  Have they run out of cake?” Now, I can remember way back in the day, when kids were told to “Finish your dinner, there are people starving in China, who’d love to eat your dinner.”  Now, thanks to President Trump and his “Make America Great Again” program,

Thai Surgeons Remove 915 Coins Swallowed by Sea Turtle:  Veterinarians in Bangkok have operated on a 25-year-old, female green sea turtle, to remove 915 coins weighing over 11 pounds, coins fed to the turtle by tourists who believed that pitching coins at the turtle - would give them good luck. Well, I do have to admit, I’m a bit shocked by all of this.  I mean, who knew turtles had money problems also?  To be honest, I’d also like to throw in my two cents worth here too, but I suppose that’s the last thing this poor turtle needs at this stage of the game.   Now, when you think about it, what these damn “luck-seeking” tourists have done, is basically turn this poor, helpless turtle, into kind of a floating vending machine.  Meanwhile, after the turtle left surgery, doctors continued to monitor, just to see if they could see any “change” in the patient.  Anyway, I have to report that sadly, this story doesn’t have a very happy ending.  Turns out, that shortly after doctors surgical

Giuliani Fires Conspiracy Theorist Powell After Insane Press Conference:   President Donald J. Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani has confirmed that Sidney Powell is no longer a member of the Trump legal team.   Sidney Powell is the lawyer, who basically claimed at Trump’s last legal team press conference, that Georgia’s Republican Gov. Brian Kemp conspired with the CIA to accept a bribe from deceased Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez (who died back in 2013), to throw the Georgia election for the Democrats and Joe Biden. Wow, sounds like bat shit and crazy - have just decided to go their own separate ways.  Now, if my math is correct, she only lasted about half a Scaramucci.  I’ll tell you one thing, when you’re considered too far out there for Rudy and his Total Landscaping team, that’s a very special kind of crazy.   Her downfall came, when she promised to expose an election scandal of “biblical proportions,” but when the time came, she couldn’t produce the 100 million locus

Controversy Brews Over Proposed Trump Presidential Library:   President Trump has reportedly spent very little time thinking about his post-presidential life, including considering details for his Presidential Library - given that close aids say privately, that the President is still in deep denial that he could actually lose the election, even at this late stage of the game. Gee, that kind of makes me wonder, just what the hell would you put in a library, dedicated to a man who doesn’t even read?  Well, come to think of it, I suppose it wouldn’t be all that difficult to come up with a few special treats for all of Trump’s loyal, semi-literate followers.  As we learned from this past election, it really doesn’t take a whole, helluva lot to impress these folks.   Hell, I’ve even got a few ideas myself.  Let’s start with a couple of old Playboy Magazines, throw in a collection of the President’s best insults and staff dismissals from his Twitter feed, a copy of his ghost-written "

Tennessee Mayor Rejects Mask Mandate Until God Gives Him the OK:   Despite coronavirus numbers going through the roof in the area, Mayor Bill Newman of Lincoln County, Tennessee, says he will not approve of any kind of face mask mandate - unless God instructs him to do so. Well, for “heaven’s” sake!  Why doesn’t someone from Lincoln County, who hasn’t completely lost all their marbles to meth or OxyContin, simply head over to the Hallmark Store, pick up a religiously-themed card, scribble “Damn it - Wear a Mask!” on the inside, then sign it “GOD” - and mail it off to this moron? As for Mayor Newman waiting on God to send him a “sign” to wear face masks, I’m guessing that means Newman doesn’t consider over a quarter million deaths - to be quite enough “sign” for his tastes.  One thing’s for certain, God’s sure gonna have to step up his game a bit, if he wants to make an impression on this crowd. Now, to be completely honest, I’ve personally never quite understood all this red stat

Pastor Wiles Warns Florida Liberals We’re Coming After You:   In a recent telecast to his many followers, Florida anti-Semite Pastor Rick Wiles, who had recently blamed Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer for making right-wing militias want to kidnap and murder both her and her family, is now warning those whom he refers to as “liberals invading Florida” to “pack your bags and get out - because we’re coming for you.” Now, at first, I was wondering - why in the hell would anyone ever want to invade Florida?  Then, it occurred to me - folks who desperately wanna get the hell out of Alabama - that’s who!  I assume anyone who still has any gray matter or even most of their front teeth, would certainly wanna flee Alabama - even if that does mean Florida.   Anyway, all kidding aside - if Pastor Wiles really wants to know who’s invading Florida, perhaps he’d do better to ask all the pythons, the feral hogs, the iguanas, the cane toads, and African the giant land snails “what’s up you?”  Of co

Top US Cyber Chief Fired After Debunking Trump Election Myths:   President Trump has just tweet-fired Christopher Krebs, the U.S. government’s top cybersecurity official who oversaw the defense of the 2020 elections, after he spent weeks contradicting the election-related conspiracy theories that President Trump and his allies have been promoting to deny the legitimacy of President-elect Joe Biden’s victory. Now, is it just me, or does it seem a wee-bit bizarre for the captain of a ship to start throwing crew members overboard - when the ship is already sinking and well on its way down to the bottom? Why, next thing you know - Trump’ll fire the Statue of Liberty, claiming she’s been welcoming in illegal voters.  Of course, the big question now is, who’ll replace Christopher Krebs?  Will it be Kayne West, Ted Nugent, or Gary Busey?  Hell, maybe we should ask Rudy Giuliani to take the job?  After all, he knows all about computers - at least all about Hunter Biden’s computers.  And

Trump’s Favored COVID Strategist Calls for Uprising Against Michigan Gov:  Doctor Scott Atlas, President Trump’s favored coronavirus strategist, is urging Michigan residents to “rise up” against Democratic Gov. Gretchen Whitmer and her new Covid-19 public health measures - which are being put into place to help curb the pandemic’s dramatic surge in infection rates.   Gee, advocating armed insurrection because a concerned public official is implementing some relatively modest inconveniences, like social distancing and wearing face masks in order to save lives?  Now, is it just me, or does it sound like Dr. Atlas must have gotten hired, simply because Dr. Kevorkian is dead and no longer available?   Sounds to me like the good Doctor Atlas is to medicine, what Rudy Giuliani is to the rule of law.  That said, should we really find it all that surprising that a close Trump confidant is urging a “revolt?”  Not really, especially when you consider that most everyone currently serving in t

Trump Allies Looked Into Buying Newsmax as a Platform for Trump:   President Trump has been complaining loudly about Fox News’ coverage of him for nearly a year now, and The Wall Street Journal is reporting some of Trump’s closest allies have been looking into purchasing the fledgling pro-Trump cable channel Newsmax, as a means of taking over the message delivery system for right-wing Americans. Yea well, on the other hand, Trump also wanted to buy Greenland - so keep that in mind.  But personally, I think this may be a pretty damn good idea.  I mean, let the President do what the President does best - take over companies, and then drive them into bankruptcy. And, what a channel this could be!  Why, if done right, the station could serve as kind of a mini-Trump rally, minus all the Covid-19 cross-contaminations.  Just imagine, a station featuring Donald Trump, airing all his complaints and grievances - 24/7!  Now, who wouldn’t wanna watch that?  Finally, a place for people who

Thousands of Maskless Trump Supporters Rally in Washington:   Thousands of President Trump’s maskless supporters gathered Saturday in Washington, D.C., celebrating for hours and hours, blaring “God Bless the USA,” waiving MAGA flags, and falsely proclaiming the election had been stolen from the man they so adore.   To add to the excitement, the crowd went wild as the President’s motorcade passed by, en route to his golf course for the weekend. Why, what a fun idea for a Saturday!  Spend the day, not only spreading the word of Trump’s victory around, but also the coronavirus.  Meanwhile, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany is taking a little heat after claiming the march was attended by over a million people, when it actually had - at best, only a few thousand.   Ah well, no big deal.  As we all know - math has never been one of those Trump supporter’s better subjects anyway.  Yet another argument against homeschooling.  That said, I do have to admit that there is a certai

Scientists Say They’re Close to Cloning a Woolly Mammoth:  Scientists say gene-editing technologies such as CRISPR, may soon open up a shortcut to resurrecting the woolly mammoth, but some argue doing so could be both risky and unethical.   Well, my feeling is - why even bother? I mean, it isn’t like we need the extra wool. Hell, I just checked over at Target, and they seem to have no shortage of cheap wool suits and sweaters for sale. Besides, call me old-fashioned, but I still find it a helluva lot easier counting sheep than wooly mammoths.  And, mark my words, bring back wooly mammoths, and the next thing you know, you’ll have all the elephants and the mammoths body-shaming each other. “Why, you’re as fat as an elephant under all that fur. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes.”  Not to mention, if we bring back woolly mammoths, can cavemen be far behind? Think about it! And, just where the hell are we supposed to house them? I mean, who knows if we even have enough caves around

Trump Claims the Medical Deep State Sabotaged His Election:   President Trump reportedly flew into a rage, lashing out at his own Food and Drug Administration following an announcement six days after the election, that an experimental coronavirus vaccine from pharmaceutical giant Pfizer is more than 90% effective, claiming this proves the “medical deep state” deliberately tried to sabotage his electoral prospects by delaying the results till after the election. I can see the President’s point here.  After all, everyone knows the pharmaceutical industry has always been a seething, hotbed of left-wing, socialist debauchery.  Gee, I wonder if this is the same “medical deep state” that saved his ass when he got Covid-19 a month or so ago?  I guess it’s time for Rudy to hold another press conference at Pfizer Total Landscaping, and get to the bottom of this mess. The funny thing is, you’d assume a President would be applauding the fact we may finally have a vaccine that could save millio

Will Others Emulate Shakespeare and Write Great Works During Plague? :   Because William Shakespeare wrote some of his greatest works 400 years ago as deadly plagues ravaged London, some literary scholars ponder what great works may emerge out of our current pandemic.   Gee, who knew Covid-19 was not only a deadly disease, but also a literary muse?  Of course, some may argue that a new play isn’t really necessary, given that we’ve all been living inside a Shakespearean Tragedy for the past four years.  Anyway, as to what “great works” may emerge out of all this, it’s important to keep in mind that it’s not exactly easy composing a “great masterpiece,” especially when you’re limited to 280 characters. That said, I’m quite optimistic those QAnon folks will come up with something real soon.  In the meantime, I’d settle for a Trump concession speech.  And, the funny thing is, it has over 76,000,000 co-authors. Johnny Robish Comedy

Noted Univ Penn Math Professor Booted from Plane Over Terrorist Fears:   Guido Menzio, a distinguished, award-winning economics professor from the University of Pennsylvania, was removed from an American Airlines flight when a female passenger sitting nearby, reported him as a terrorist after noticing he was doodling odd-looking symbols while the plane was waiting for take-off - which she misinterpreted as Arabic writing, instead of the math calculations which they actually were.   Good grief!  I fully understand this poor lady’s concern!  I mean, math has always terrorized me too.  Now, I don’t like to start rumors, but my guess is this professor may have been involved in a secret-organization that speaks a language that has struck terror into many a poor soul over the years.  It’s called “Al Gebra.”   Unfortunately, this doesn’t end well for our ever-vigilant lady traveler, because shortly after the flight was ready to resume, the airline replaced the booted math nerd with a femal

Alligator Bites Off Arm of Florida Man Fleeing Police:  Police in Lakeland, Florida, are searching for an alligator that bit off the hand and forearm of a man who was attempting to elude authorities by running into a lake. Gee, now I wonder why they’d be looking for the poor alligator?  Do they need it to make a statement or something?  I mean, this is Florida - and the gator was just taking a bite out of crime.   Hell, the cops didn't even have to disarm the guy - the gator took care of that.  Wonder how the hell the cop managed to handcuff a guy with one arm?  Someone must have lent him a hand.  Sounds like the cops may as well just exchange their K9 police dogs - for alligators. Meanwhile, some are making the argument that the gator’s actions actually constitute a form of arm robbery in and of itself, but we’ll have to wait and see where the scales of justice fall on that one.  Of course, this incident does raise some valid legal questions.  For example, was the gator pro

Company Sells World’s Most Expensive Tires for $600,000 a Set:   The Dubai-based Z Tyre company has unveiled the world’s most expensive car tires, which will be sold at a staggering $600,000 a set.  These are high-performance tires, which have been beautifully encrusted with sparkling diamonds and 24-carat gold leaf. Good grief, even with all those diamonds and gold, I still think those prices are overinflated.  My guess is - they’re just jacking up the price.  In fact, customers have tried to go round and round with Z Tyre, hoping they’ll lower the price, but can’t seem to find any traction.  As we all know, salesmen can exert a lot of pressure on tire customers.  That’s the way they roll.  One thing’s for sure, if you want affordable tires, better steer clear of these tire salesmen.  Why, these lugs will drive you nuts.  For one thing, you never get the same salesperson twice - because they rotate the salesforce.  And, they never have blow-out sales.  They put the brakes on that, a

North Dakota Republican Who Died of Covid-19 Wins Election:   Even though North Dakota Trump supporter and coronavirus denier David Andahl died of Covid-19 back in early October, that didn’t prevent the 55-year-old rancher from winning his race for the US House of Representatives in North Dakota’s 8th District on Tuesday. Upon hearing the news, President Trump immediately issued a statement, congratulating the deceased Republican on his victory, and pointing out that the President feels David Andahl didn’t really die of Covid-19 - he just “rounded the corner.”  Makes sense, wonder if the theme of his victory celebration was "Night of the Living Dead?”  Hell, if you ask me, they ought to just pack him up and ship him right off to Congress anyway.  You know, make sort of a "Weekend at Bernie’s” kind of affair out of it all.  Who’d know the difference?  I mean, it isn’t as if these obstructionist Republicans actually do anything anyway.   Why, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised

Massachusetts Plans Rattlesnake Colony on Uninhabited Island:   A plan by the state of Massachusetts to establish a colony of venomous timber rattlesnakes on an off-limits island located just off Massachusetts' largest body of water, is causing concerns among some local residents, who fear that the serpents, who can also swim - will pose a serious danger to hikers, fishermen and hunters.   Gee, I had no idea we were running out of rattlesnakes.  Now, as much as I love wildlife, I’ll be the first to admit that when I think about things our society desperately needs in year 2020, “more venomous snakes” would never have made my list.  One thing’s for sure, all this government-subsidized rattlesnake housing, is sure leaving residents a bit rattled.   Gee, and while they’re at it, perhaps Massachusetts might also consider establishing a colony of snake-handling Pentecostals on the island too?  I mean, come on!  Who loves rattlesnakes more than those fun-loving Pentecostals?   Why,

Man Arrested After Throwing Alligator Into Wendy’s Drive-Thru Window:   A 24-year-old Jupiter, Florida prankster is facing up to 5-years in jail after being arrested for tossing a live alligator from the back of his truck, through the drive-thru window of a local Wendy’s restaurant. Wow, hard to believe something like this could even happen in that bastion of sanity and reason that is Florida.  But, before we judge, let’s first ask ourselves - who among us hasn’t at least thought about tossing an alligator through the drive-through window of their local fast-food restaurant? Police told reporters that had this happened at a McDonald’s instead of a Wendy’s, they would have been forced to classify it as a Mac Attack.  Even so, they said the prankster still must have had some really big McNuggets, to think he could get away with pulling off a stunt like this. Why, even the man’s closest friends had to admit, that a prank like this is only funny until someone gets bitten, then - it becomes