You've Got to Be Kidding?

Newsmax is the New Landing Spot for Ultraconservative Cable News Personalities:   Newsmax is quickly becoming the new home base for scores of ultraconservative cable news personalities, who’s extremist views and trash mouths kept them in constant hot water at their previous places of employment. Oh yeah, I remember Newsmax.  That’s the website that once sold T‑shirts, advocating the killing of journalists.  Newsmax is the new home for former Fox News personalities, who felt that “lying to listeners" just isn’t enough - and that you also need to incite violence.  And folks, it appears Newsmax has been busy raiding the Fox News trash dumpster once again - which means get ready for even more wackos to hit the airwaves. And, surprise, surprise!  I mean, who knew that former trolls, have now reached the status of "news personalities.”  Well, they sure have - right here on this “White Trash Network.  And, who can blame them?  After all, not everyone ...

Fox News Host Shocked To Learn Children Can Also Get COVID-19:   Referring to a new report which found that in last two weeks of July, more than 97,000 children tested positive for the coronavirus,” an astonished Fox & Friends co-host Ainsley Earhardt remarked ”that was such a shock to me, because I had heard kids really don’t get it.” No, Ms. Earhardt - I pretty sure it’s you and not the children who “really don’t get it.”  Now, in all fairness, it’s really not her fault.  After all, being well-informed is not exactly a job requirement for hosting a show over at Fox News.  On the other hand, being blonde is - and, she’s certainly well-qualified on that count. Now, as to what she should do about finding herself to be totally ignorant about coronavirus facts like “children can also get the coronavirus,” about the only thing I can think to suggest to her is…“stop watching FOX News!” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

President Trump Sends Out Well-Wishes to Ghislaine Maxwell:   President Trump offered well-wishes and sympathy for longtime Jeffrey Epstein companion Ghislaine Maxwell, whom he said he had met “numerous times over the years” and who is awaiting trial on charges she recruited underage girls for the financier Epstein and his clients to sexually abuse. Gee, is it just me who’s thinking only Donald Trump could politically get away with offering “well-wishes” to a child sex trafficker?  And, to think some folks believe Donald Trump has no capacity for compassion.  Why, it’s difficult to even imagine what a “big heart” someone would have to have in order to offer “well-wishes” to a known sex predator, who has just been arrested! Now, I understand there’s always gonna be those skeptics, who believe the President is actually trying to signal a potential pardon for Ms. Maxwell - assuming she’s willing to keep her mouth shut about everything she knows.  You know,...

Trump Retweets Chuck Woolery Covid-19 Hoax Claim:  President Trump appears to be once again be claiming the coronavirus is a hoax, as he retweeted a message from game show host Chuck Woolery which claimed that “Everyone is lying.  The CDC, Media, Democrats, our Doctors, not all but most ,that we are told to trust.  I think it’s all about the election and keeping the economy from coming back, which is about the election.  I’m sick of it.” Laugh if you want, but Mr. Woolery's experience as a game show host on extremely popular programs like Wheel of Fortune and Love Connection, would actually give him a much broader perspective on things than those men and women whose narrowly focused qualifications in areas like science and epidemiology would have. In fact, Fox News is reporting that medical experts around the world are now desperately trying to contact Mr. Woolery, hoping to get his input on handling other difficult medical issues they’re confronting. ...

Americans Prefer Lip Service to Action:   Well, America - we're now finally "once again" down to "two corporate candidates." Americans have "once again" been convinced that pooling our resources together so WE ALL can have affordable healthcare is an insane, unaffordable, pie-in-the-sky concept, which apparently, every other industrialized country in world can afford - except ours. In exchange for taking concrete actions, we'll "once again" get nothing but lip service - words, promises and prayers. Now, we have as our last defense against this monster in the White House, a guy who (in recent interviews), cannot even complete simple thoughts or sentences - and these were in response to softball questions from places like MSNBC, Jimmy Kimmel and Katie Couric. How is he ever supposed to be able to debate a slick, con artist like Donald Trump? But, enough out of me. I think George Carlin sums it up much better than I ever could. http...

Apple Granted Restraining Order Against Man Stalking Tim Cook:   Apple has filed a temporary restraining order against a man it says has been harassing and making subtle threats against CEO Tim Cook as well as other members of Apple's executive team.  Oh, for crying out loud - Bill Gates, learn to control your anger! One thing's for sure, we definitely know it wasn’t President Trump, because he’s been too busy harassing some guy named “Tim Apple.” But all kidding aside, the judge apparently considered the threat to be so serious, he not only ordered the guy to stay at least 100 feet away from Tim Cook, but also a 100 feet away from all Apple products. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump EPA to Limit Science Used in Determining Public Health Policy:   Fearful that scientific research might interfere with their plans to dismantle pollution and climate change regulations, the Trump Administration is preparing to significantly limit the scientific and medical research that the government can use to determine public health regulations, overriding protests from scientists and physicians who claim this would undermine the scientific underpinnings of government policymaking. Wow, sounds like EPA scientists have just become our new “Public Enemy Number One.”  I suppose it’s not all that surprising.  I mean, I seriously doubt if any of the clowns Trump has appointed to the EPA would even understand the scientific method if it slapped them right in the face.  Hell, Trump can barely read, let alone understand some fancy-pants, scientific proposal.  Now what I don’t get is, if we limit the input of scientific and medical research, then what...

Trump Names Chad Wolf Acting Head of Homeland Security:   President Trump told reporters Chad Wolf is now the new “acting secretary” of the Department of Homeland Security, but it was unclear whether a formal appointment had occurred, extending confusion about who would step in to fill one of the country’s most crucial national security posts. So Trump just appointed himself a “Wolf” to head up Homeland Security?  Now certainly I’m no national security expert, but I’m still savvy enough to realize that filling a vacated position with a damn “Wolf” certainly didn’t seen to work out all that well for Little Red Riding Hood.   That said, I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for old Chad.  I mean, not knowing whether or not he’s ever gonna be permanently appointed as director, probably makes him feel more like a “hanging Chad.” http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Invites Military Dog Injured in al-Baghdadi Raid to White House:   President Trump is tweeting that the military working dog named Conan, who was injured in the raid that killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, will leave the Middle East next week for a visit to the White House. Its being reported that the dog initially declined the invitation, but was finally persuaded to come after Trump promised him treats during their phone conversation - which the President later described as a “perfect conversation,” and vehemently denying accusations of any quid pro quo with the dog.   Sources close to the dog say Conan made it clear to the President that he expected nothing short of first class doggie treats and not a bunch of crappy, cold cheeseburgers, like the president passed out to Clemson’s football team during their White House visit this past January.  One things for sure, had the dog actually declined the White House invitation, you can bet Trump w...

Kanye West Claims $68 Million Tax Refund Was God’s Reward:  During a recent appearance on James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke , musician and loyal Trump supporter Kayne West said that the $68 million tax refund he received in 2019 was his reward from God for being a born-again Christian - money which will allow him to stay afloat financially.   Wow, I’m so happy for Him!  No, not Kanye - I meant God.  I mean, who could have known God was doing tax returns on the side these days?  Of course, I’m sure his followers are praying that this is just seasonal, part-time work for God - and not His new, full-time gig.   My guess is, He probably learned to do taxes by taking night classes somewhere like Pepperdine.  Pepperdine’s always been kind of a religious school anyway, so I’m sure His getting admitted there was just a piece of cake.  Hell, He probably even cut most of his classes.  I mean, who’s gonna flunk God?   Now, I don’t wa...

Convicted Russian Agent Maria Butina Sent Back Home:   Russian national Maria Butina, who was convicted and jailed in the US last April for being a Russian agent, during which time she admitted infiltrating and funneling influence money to the NRA, U.S. conservative activists and Republican politicians - has finally arrived back in Moscow after being released from prison early by US officials. OK, so where the hell is the NRA supposed to get all their cash from now?  From members?  Good luck with that!  I mean, you bet NRA cadre are now running around like madmen asking “where the hell are Boris & Natasha  - now that we really need them?” And good grief, to think that poor Wayne LaPierre just bought himself one of those brand spanking new, French-style country estates just outside Dallas.  And by God, those damn mansions don’t just pay for themselves. Anyway, before boarding the plane back to Russia, Ms Butina gracefully thanked all her ...

Giuliani and Pence Will Defy Demands by Congress for Documents:   Declaring the Democrats-led impeachment inquiry a sham, Vice President Mike Pence and President Trump's personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani have are refusing to hand over documents on Ukraine. Gee, I’m not sure why Rudy wouldn’t wanna cooperate.  I mean, what would he have to hide?  After all, it isn’t like he secretly took $500,000 of Russian money which was funneled to him through his two now indicted friends - or he was secretly running his own private, secret, shadow foreign policy in Ukraine…oh wait! Anyway, wonder if Rudy realizes this subpoena is not like a wedding invitation - its actually a legal order from Congress.  And, if he decides not to comply, then about the only question left to ask is “will Rudy be permitted to keep his dentures while he’s in jail, or are they considered a lethal weapon?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Tears Into Romney After He Calls Trump’s Actions Appalling:   President Donald Trump is lashing out at Mitt Romney on Twitter, implying that the 2012 Republican presidential nominee is “a big loser” and “pompous," after Romney characterized Trump's requests of Ukraine and China to investigate a political opponent both "wrong and appalling.” Gee wiz, can anyone say “meltdown?”  Why, Trump’s going all “mean-girls" on Romney.  Why get so upset Donny-boy?  I thought all this was all just one, great big “nothing burger.”  Not to mention, on an absolutely “perfect call.”  Why, what’s the big deal anyway? Everything else aside, it’s rather funny how a simple slight like this, can completely paralyze Trump’s psyche - to the point where about the only thing he’s capable of doing - is “golfing and tweeting.” That said, on a positive note, now that Trump’s a bona fide born-again Christian, maybe once he gets fully settled into ...

New Whistleblower Complaint Targets Trump's Tax Audit:   Another whistleblower complaint has been lodged, this one alleging "inappropriate efforts to influence" the mandatory IRS audit of President Donald Trump's tax returns. Now, to be completely honest, my concern here, is more from the point of view of a consumer than that of a citizen.  I mean, if these damn whistleblowers keep coming out of the woodwork, our beloved nation will inevitably run reach a point - where we’ll run out of whistles.  Then what? I’ll tell you one thing, Trump was right on the money way back in 2016, when he said “if you vote for Hillary, you will see non-stop scandals, endless investigations, insane drama and most likely - impeachment.”  Well, most Americans did vote for Hillary, and everything Trump predicted, has come to fruition. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

New Report Finds Russians Used Greed to Capture the NRA:   A year-long Senate finance committee investigation found that ties between the National Rifle Association (NRA) and influential Russians were both substantial and lucrative enough, to render the politically powerful gun lobby an “asset” of Russia. No kidding - an asset of Russia?  Hell, the guy who lives just down the street from me is a huge gun enthusiast.  I should probably drop by and ask him how many Rubles it takes these days to get an NRA membership. Now, the NRA has recently taken a lot of slack for opposing legislation geared toward preventing people with severe mental health issues from owning guns, but I aways understood the NRA position on the matter.  After all, if the mentally ill couldn’t own guns, then who the hell they supposed to get to join the NRA?   Of course, in all fairness, I’m sure it’s all purely coincidental that just about every single Republican or conservati...

Giuliani Cancels Paid Appearance at Kremlin-Backed Dinner Conference:   After it was reported in the Washington Post, Rudy Giuliani abruptly canceled his scheduled paid appearance at a Kremlin-backed dinner conference next week, which will be attended by Russian President Vladi­mir Putin and led by Sergey Glazyev, Putin’s longtime adviser who’s been under U.S. sanctions since Russia’s invasion of Ukraine five years ago. All I can say, the way things are going, it won’t be long before the only “dinners” Rudy will be attending will be in a Federal prison mess hall.  I mean, Rudy has essentially gone from being America’s Mayor - to more like Moscow’s Mayor.   What I wanna know is, who in their right mind would agree to be Trump’s lawyer after what happened to Michael Cohen?  Doesn’t he know Trump threw Cohen under the bus?  Of course, Rudy’s become so wacky lately, there’s no telling what the hell he’s thinking anymore. Interestingly, there’s be...

Pastor Claims God Will Punish Democrats for Trying to Impeach Trump:   Right-wing televangelist and conspiracy theorist Chris McDonald, told his followers that Christians who oppose Donald Trump are betraying God , adding that God will now destroy the entire Democratic Party for opening up an impeachment inquiry - which is based entirely on false accusations. OK, but if its God’s plan to destroy the Democrats, God must have really bad eyesight, because he’s been repeatedly sending all kinds of tornadoes and floods - right smack through the damn Bible Belt. Anyway, my question is, how can these charges be considered false accusations, when idiot Donald Trump and his wack-a-doodle attorney Rudy Giuliani have already admitted doing them - right on national television?   One thing’s for sure, it’s a damn good thing Trump won that last election, because as any good Trump supporter knows, Hillary and the Democrats were preparing to put all the Christians in camps and ...

BREAKING NEWS - Mexico Will Pay for Trump’s Impeachment:   According to a heavily “redacted transcript” of President Trump’s conversation with Ukrainian President Volodymr Zelensky, Donald Trump repeatedly tried to pressure the Ukrainian President to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden and his son during a phone call last July 25th.  Well now, how delightful to think our taxpayer dollars, allocated by Congress and ultimately designated to aid the citizens of Ukraine, are being used by the White House as barter for the Trump reelection campaign! And funny how, with impeachment looming, some folks are pointing out similarities between Donald Trump and Richard Nixon, but I think comparing Trump to Nixon is like comparing an apple to an orange.  Nixon is the apple and - Trump is orange. Of course, in Trump’s defense, he is claiming that his call to Ukrainian President Zelenskiy was just “perfect,” and he’s absolutely right about that.  It was a pe...

Joe Arpaio to Run for Maricopa County Sheriff Again:   Joe Arpaio, an 87-year-old convicted felon pardoned by President Trump and a former sheriff of Maricopa County, Ariz., who gained national notoriety for his inhumane treatment of prisoners and his disdain for immigrants, announced he will be running again for sheriff of Maricopa County.     Wow, who knew convicted criminals can run for sheriff in Arizona?  I mean, the fact Arpaio got a pardon doesn’t mean he’s innocent.  It just means he’s well connected.  After all, he was an early endorser of Donald Trump for President.  Given that, I’m surprised Trump hasn't appointed him FBI Director by now. But, regardless of the pardon, the guy was convicted of a felony - which means he can’t legally even own a gun.  I mean, even putting all the criminal convictions aside, why the hell would you elect someone sheriff who can’t legally own a gun? And what the hell will be his campaign sloga...

Trump Says US Locked and Loaded After Attacks on Saudi Oil Fields:   President Donald Trump is hinting at a US military response against Iran, declaring that the US is "locked and loaded" after drone attacks on the Saudi oil infrastructure, which he blamed on Iran. So, Donald Trump is locked and loaded is he?  On what - lithium or Wellbutrin?  Call me old fashioned, but I still prefer leaders who talk more like Winston Churchill or Franklin Delano Roosevelt - than Yosemite Sam.    Frankly, I’m rather surprised Trump’s not trying to claim the drone attacks came from California and ordering airstrikes there.  Hell, that’s one way to knock out about 55 Electoral College votes against him in 2020.   Anyway, say what you want, but my guess is that at this point in his Presidency, a lot more Americans would much prefer to see Mr. Trump “locked up” than “locked and loaded.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com