You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Expands Immigration Ban - Adding Mostly African Nations:  President Trump just added six more "mostly African nations” to his administration’s travel ban, including Nigeria, Africa’s most populous country - in a widely anticipated expansion which Democrats claim is “clearly discriminatory” against people from predominantly black and Muslim nations. Now wait a minute, let me get this straight.  Trump was just impeached for pressuring foreign nations to help him throw America’s 2020 elections, yet we’re supposed to believe it’s these countries who pose threats to our national security?   Gee, this has to be a mistake.  Perhaps someone  just misinterpreted something when they translated the President’s order from “Trump to English.”  Oh well, on a positive note - at least we’re still welcoming immigrants from Slovenia.   So, what happened?  Apparently, someone must have handed Trump a map of Africa.  You know, one with writ...

Trump Admin to Seize Private Land in Texas for Border Wall:   The Trump administration is preparing to submit court filings next week as a necessary step toward seizing private land in Texas - necessary for building its border wall with Mexico. Oh yea, you remember that “multi-billion dollar” steel border wall  don’t you?  The one anyone can cut right through with a $125 power saw from Home Depot?  The one that President Trump is declaring a national emergency to get money to build - which he promised Mexico would pay for?  Yea, that border wall!  Funny how all those socialist-hating “we must defend private property rights at all costs” Republicans, seem to have no issue whatsoever with the Feds seizing their land for this nonsense.  Well, I guess as long as it’s done with a mean-spirited, racist, hateful intent in mind, it makes it all worthwhile for them.  Anyway, how exciting that all those proud Trump supporters along the border...

Justice Department Accused of Blocking Whistleblower Disclosure:  U.S. House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff has accused the Justice Department of blocking intelligence officials from giving Congress a whistleblower complaint reported to involve communications between President Donald Trump and a foreign leader - a charge Mr Trump is calling “fake news.” Now let’s see, the President claims he’s done nothing wrong, but then instructs his henchmen not to allow Congress to even see the complaint?  Why sure, that sounds exactly like what an innocent person would do.  And, of course it's fake news.  “Hell, I’m sure he wasn't even in the room when he was having that conversation with a foreign leader.”   And all this, coming from a guy who recently altered an official weather map with a Sharpie pen during a national emergency - to try and cover up for his own misunderstanding of the forecast.  A guy who gave Russia private meetings - after...

Joe Arpaio to Run for Maricopa County Sheriff Again:   Joe Arpaio, an 87-year-old convicted felon pardoned by President Trump and a former sheriff of Maricopa County, Ariz., who gained national notoriety for his inhumane treatment of prisoners and his disdain for immigrants, announced he will be running again for sheriff of Maricopa County.     Wow, who knew convicted criminals can run for sheriff in Arizona?  I mean, the fact Arpaio got a pardon doesn’t mean he’s innocent.  It just means he’s well connected.  After all, he was an early endorser of Donald Trump for President.  Given that, I’m surprised Trump hasn't appointed him FBI Director by now. But, regardless of the pardon, the guy was convicted of a felony - which means he can’t legally even own a gun.  I mean, even putting all the criminal convictions aside, why the hell would you elect someone sheriff who can’t legally own a gun? And what the hell will be his campaign sloga...

Tomi Lahren Claims We Need Guns for Defense Against Immigrants:   Fox Nation host Tomi Lahren is claiming that Americans need guns in order to fight off the unlimited illegal immigrants pouring into the United States, adding that citizens need the ability to “defend themselves” because “we don’t know” who’s coming into this country. Well, she’s certainly not alone in her thinking.  I mean, there have been quite a few other well-known folks who’ve said just about the same thing.  You know, people like Dylann Roof and El Paso shooter Patrick Crusius to name a few. Of course, the 2nd Amendment does call for a well-regulated militia.”  That said, I always assumed a well-regulated militia” meant organizations like the National Guard - and pretenders like Billy Joe Bob and his pals running around acting like tough guys by walking into Popeye’s restaurants fully armed with loaded assault rifles  - not so much. Anyway, it must be difficult living in cons...

Pentagon Approves Diversion of Military Funds for Trump’s Wall:  Defense Secretary Mark T. Esper has agreed to free up $3.6 billion from the Pentagon’s budget for President Trump’s border wall, even though it will actually only build just 54.5 miles of new border fencing and effectively defund 127 military construction projects. Call me old fashioned, but I was always under the impression you’re supposed to use government funds for whatever purpose they were actually authorized to be used for.  Silly me! Wonder if anyone ever thought about the fact that if the Pentagon can so easily just surrender billions of dollars out of their budget for unrelated projects, maybe they didn’t really need the money in the first place? Tell you what, I’ve got a novel idea.  Instead of building a useless border wall to keep  desperate  refugee families out, how about building a “firewall" to keep the damn Russian hackers out? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.c...

At Least 20 Dead and Dozens Injured in El Paso Walmart Massacre:   Twenty people were killed and dozens more injured in yet another massacre by right-wing gunman, this time at an El Paso Walmart.  The store was packed with back-to-school shoppers, making it one of the ten deadliest mass shootings in U.S. history.   Well, fortunately for victim’s families, Republicans have announced they’ll be sending out many more than their usual “thoughts and prayers” to everyone involved - after all, there’s good people on both sides of this issue you know.   In addition, leading Republican senators promise to make funds available to arm all Walmart employees nationwide with fully automatic M4 Carbines - as well as immediately reform numerous committees to investigate Hillary’s e-mails and the 2011 Benghazi attack.  And so, it seems yet again - the world is left wondering how and why another horrific incident like this occurred.  In the meantime, confused ...

Trump Tells Congresswomen to Go Back to the Country They Came From:  Despite criticism, a defiant President Trump doubled down on his tweet that the four minority, liberal, congresswomen should “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came,” even though three of the four of them were  actually born right here in the USA. Now, while many are outraged by this, all Trump has really done differently is to take the typical “subtle, dog whistle racist innuendos” Republicans have always used - give them a hit of crystal meth, and then broadcast them over a bull horn.  On the other hand, perhaps Trump may actually be onto something when he suggests “they need to fix those crime infested places in the country from which they came.”  I mean, can anyone really think of a more “crime-infested place” than Donald Trump's White House?   Of course, the bottom line here is, Trump is clearly hoping to retain power the very...

Trump Accuses FBI of Treason Over Investigation of His Campaign:   President Trump claims his 2016 campaign was “conclusively spied on,” accusing the responsible parties like the FBI of “treason” and threatening everyone involved with “long jail sentences.” Is it just me, or does Trump’s rambling sound just a wee bit too similar to some medieval king shouting “off with their heads!”  I mean, about the only thing missing here is Attorney General Barr drawing up plans to convert Trump Tower into a 21st century “Tower of London.”  Hell, I’m sure he could convince Stephen Miller to run the dungeons.   But jailing the investigators?  Come on!  That seems like a pretty tepid response, especially when it’s pretty obvious Trump considers ANYONE who disagrees with him “guilty of treason.”  That said, I’m pretty sure most Americans could get behind the President's idea of “long jail sentences” for traitors.  In fact, that’s precisely why so m...

White-Nationalist Violence Likely An Issue in the 2020 Race:  Less than 24 hours after President Trump doubled-down to defend his “there were fine people on both sides” comment about the deadly 2017 white-supremacist rally in Charlottesville, the rising tide of white-nationalism has struck again as angry racist John T. Earnest shot up a Jewish synagogue in Poway, California - killing one person and injuring three others. The situation is getting so out of hand, that Vice President Mike Pence actually felt compelled to take to twitter and attempt to explain to rabid Trump supporters that “anti-semitism isn’t just wrong - it’s evil.”   And while I’ve been quite critical of Mike Pence in the past, I do have to admit it’s a step in the right direction for a member of the Trump Administration to try and explain to their followers that killing innocent Jews in their house of worship probably isn’t the best way to make a political point.   That said, I suspect the...

Trump Reelection Campaign Raised $30M in First Quarter:  It’s being reported from several sources that President Trump's reelection campaign has raised more than $30 million in the first quarter of 2019, edging out his top two Democratic rivals combined. Wow, the Trump team’s already raised 30 million rubles?  That quite impressive.  And while that was just a joke, what’s not a joke is that the $30 million figure just happens to be the exact amount Russian spy Maria Butina gave to the NRA to funnel into the Trump campaign during the 2016 election. That said, even if $30 million sounds like quite a lot of dough, let’s not forget that a good chunk of that stash will need to be diverted over to cover those $15,000-a-month hush payments used to silence former Trump staffers who were axed in earlier purges.  Even so, I’m guessing Trump will still have more than enough cash left over to commission one or two new oil portraits of himself. Besides, Trump may ...

Trump Reportedly Floated Pardon for Border Official:   It’s being reported that President Trump told Customs and Border Protection Commissioner Kevin McAleenan that if he broke federal immigration law by denying migrants entry into the United States, he would pardon him - if he ever were to be jailed over the issue. So, it seems we have a President of the United States, dangling pardons in order to encourage government officials to commitment federal crimes?  Good, grief, if this had been anyone other than Donald Trump, that certainly would have been grounds for impeachment.   Kind of makes you wonder, where do all those strict constitutionalist, patriotic, law and order Republicans stand on all this?  Well, it turns out that Republicans actually aren’t all that concerned about the rule of law after all.  You see, what they really wanted, was an arsonist - and Donald Trump just happens to be the man with all the matches. Now, Republicans are gon...

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen Forced to Resign:   After a reportedly contentious meeting with President Trump, Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen has been forced to resign amid her continual attempts to raise legal concerns over some of Donald Trump’s more severe impulses, specifically when his demands often clash with U.S. immigration laws and federal court orders. Well, apparently tearing little children away from their parents and locking them up in cages was not seen by this President as being tough enough on immigrants, and that means - goodbye Madam Secretary!  So, it looks like it’s time for Secretary Nielsen to grab that Pomeranian puppy fur coat of hers and - get the hell out of Washington.   Not to worry though, with a resume like hers, she’ll have no trouble finding work.  In fact, word has it she’s already lined up a gig running a new chain of day care centers for Syrian President Bashar Hafez al-Assad.  Now, the ...

Trump Once Again Claims His Father Was Born in Germany:   While expressing frustration about Germany not paying their fair-share towards NATO, Trump once again claimed that he has always loved Germany, because his father was born there - even though his father was actually born in New York. So, it turns out that the guy who’s been chiding Elizabeth Warren for so long about being Native American - tells lies about his heritage?  Say it ain’t so!  Now some of you may ask, so President Trump loves Germany?  What’s the big deal?  Nothing, I suppose - except that it appears the Germany Donald Trump loves, was the Germany of 1939 - not 2019. In fact, Trump’s father was so proud of his German heritage, that he used to lie and tell people he was “Swedish.”  Of course, that was after Germany lost the war.  Before the war, Fred Trump was believed to be a proud member of the KKK and the German American Bund, a group which promoted the glories of Nazi ...

Trump Claims White Nationalism is Not a Rising Threat:  In response to a reporter’s questions about the New Zealand massacre, President Trump said the people responsible for all the violence are just a “small group of sick people,” adding that he doesn’t see how white nationalism is a rising global danger at all. Yes indeed Donald, we already know that these are a small group of people (roughly 34% of the US population), and YOU my friend - are their leader.  They’re also known as YOUR BASE.  They go to your rallies and buy your bright red MEGA hats.  In fact, these are the same folks you threatened to unleash on us just the other day should we continue to oppose your policies and investigate your shady dealings.  Remember that?  And yes, they indeed are very sick people.  That’s precisely why they support you. Now, all that’s left - is for you to once again explain to us how terribly unfair it is for the “fake news media” to pick sides...

New Civil War Memorial to Include Sculptures of Lincoln and Booth:   While the rest of the nation is engaged in deep discussions over the statues and monuments of the Civil War, the town of Taneytown, Md is considering building a new memorial - one that would include not only Union heroes such as Lincoln and Grant, but also Confederate icons such as Robert E Lee and none other than Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth. Perfect!  Hell, Taneytown is only about 15 miles from Camp David - why Donald Trump could easily drop by and pay a visit when he’s in the neighborhood to highlight the “there’s good people on both sides” aspect of the memorial for visitors. But, come on, why stop there?  I mean, if you’re gonna build a memorial that includes John Wilkes Booth, then why not a statue of Osama bin Laden in New York City or how about a Lee Harvey Oswald memorial in Dallas?  Hell, I don’t even remember who knocked off Garfield and McKinley anymore, but I’m sure t...

Lindsey Graham Says Kentucky Kids Better Off With a Wall Than Schools:  During an interview on Face the Nation, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) defended spending billions on a border wall instead of doing projects like upgrading rundown schools in Kentucky by claiming “the children of Kentucky need a border wall much more than they need new schools." No kidding - they have schools in Kentucky?  Who knew?  My question is, how can immigrants at the Mexican border be an issue in Kentucky?  Besides, even poor, desperate immigrants don’t wanna end up in Kentucky - “ah thanks for the offer, but I think we’ll just walk back to El Salvador.” One thing’s for sure, the pervasive stupidity in places like Kentucky is a much more pressing emergency than anything that’s happening way down on the Mexican border.  I mean, Kentucky is full of the kind of folks whom Trump has somehow convinced that “the Constitution is Unconstitutional.”  Come to think of it, no wonder...

Trump Admits There’s No Real National Emergency:  After declaring a national emergency at the border so he can raid the military budget for funding for his wall, President Trump then basically admitted in the same nationally televised appearance in the Rose Garden that he doesn’t really view the situation at the border as an emergency, but doing so will just get things done much faster.” Good grief, Trump just kneecapped his own case for a “national emergency.”  But then again, I suppose we shouldn’t be all that surprised when a moron, elected by morons - behaves like a moron.  I mean, it’s just simple math. That said, I think most sane people in this country have already figured out that “I didn't get what I want when I wanted it” doesn’t really constitute a national emergency. Of course, Trump insists we need the wall to stop drugs from coming into this country.  Great, then my suggestion is - how about starting by not laundering any more Russian m...

Trump to Sign Budget Deal and Declare National Emergency:  President Trump has agreed to sign the massive budget deal moving through Congress in time to avert an impending government shutdown, but will also declare a national emergency so he can get the additional money needed for his border wall. Gee, that Donald Trump has really got himself a pretty decent gig.  I mean, declare a national emergency - and then fly down to Mar-a-Lago to play golf for the weekend.  Sounds like good work if you can get it.  Wonder what he got Melania for Valentine’s day?  Eh, probably a portrait of himself.   But come on, Trump just finished tweeting about how great the country’s doing under his leadership.  Not to sound skeptical, but just how great can we be doing if we have to declare a national emergency?  You know, love him or hate him - I think the one thing the Trump presidency has taught us is - what a dreadful, dreadful disease late-stag...

Negotiators Reach Deal to Avert Government Shutdown:   Congressional negotiators have announced an "agreement in principle” on a broad spending bill they hope will satisfy President Donald Trump's demands for additional border barriers and avert another government shutdown at the end of this week.   Of course, it’s important to remember that in Donald Trump’s America of 2019, after a bill passes both the House and Senate, it still needs to be sent on to Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh for final approval - so there’s that.  But even so, I think it’s quite obvious that while Americans may disagree on many things, one thing we can all agree on is the need to build a two-thousand-mile-long monument to Donald Trump that will last for centuries.  I mean, who couldn’t get behind that?   And all those skeptics out there had better remember that this Trump Monument will prevent crime, illicit drugs and illegal immigration - just as effectively as our natio...