You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Sycophantic Jim Jordan Attacks Fauci Over BLM Protests:   During Friday’s House coronavirus hearings, hard line Trump ally Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), came right after Anthony Fauci with a series of extremely combative questions, such as whether he thinks the government should limit protests to help slow the spread of the coronavirus. Jordon further confronted Fauci, claiming that support for “Black Lives Matter” protests is "encouraging riots.”  Well then, no wonder Rep. Jordon is mad as hell.  After all, "encouraging riots” is supposed to be Donald Trump’s job - and we all know how hard it is to find good jobs these days. Now, I know Jordon’s critics are gonna claim Donald Trump has been holding large, crammed rallies, where hardly anyone wears masks - but, if you watched Fox News, you’d know that "no one’s ever contracted the coronavirus by attending a Trump rally.”   Well, of course, there’s Herman Cain - but let’s get real.  If Republicans acted

Trump Demands Coronavirus Bill Include White House Renovation Money:   With so many Americans out of work and struggling to make ends meet, the White House has been stirring controversy by demanding that the next “Coronavirus Bill” include $377 million, so the Trump’s can renovate the White House. Seriously?  The Trumps are really asking for $377 million, so they can remodel the White House?  Geez, besides being a helluva lot of money - and knowing the Trump style, do we really want to see this national heritage transformed into looking like some cheap, Versailles-themed, French bordello?   Hey, I got an idea!  Why not just let the good folks over at Earl Scheib?  Hell, they’ll paint the whole place for just $99.95.  That’ll save approximately $376,999,900.05.  Why, that’s nearly enough to commission another Trump portrait to hang on the White House walls.   Besides, what’s the point?  I hear-tell come January, there’s a pretty decent chance Trump and his family of grif

Trump Retweets Doctor Who Warns Women About Sex with Demons:   President Trump is receiving a lot of slack for retweeting posts from Houston pediatrician and Fire Power Ministries’ spiritual leader Dr. Stella Immanuel, who believes that endometriosis and other potentially dangerous gynecological conditions, are the residue of sinners dreaming about having sexual intercourse with incubus demons. Gee, is it just me, or is it starting to seem like all those wackos from way back in the day, who used call into late-night radio talk shows, now have all their own shows - all of which are now being faithfully followed by the President of the United States? You know, it sure seems like many of those hard-core evangelicals have an uncontrollable obsession with demons and being possessed by the devil.  Why, they just can’t seem to get the devil off their minds.  In fact, so much so - that they even elected him President back in 2016. In fact, while it may sound a bit crazy, maybe

Texas Man Hit by Ricocheting Bullet After Shooting Armadillo:   Police say an East Texas man spotted an armadillo on his property, grabbed his .38 revolver and opened fire on the animal, but one of the three bullets ricocheted back and struck him directly in the jaw. Good grief, I hope he’s gonna be alright - the armadillo that is.  Do you suppose there’s a possibility alcohol might have been involved?  After all, it’s fairly common knowledge, that armadillos can get rather nasty when they’re drinking.   In fact, word has it the armadillo had been taunting him with things like "do you feel lucky punk?”  Police say the man claimed he shot in self-defense, but authorities have determined the armadillo - was not armed.   When asked what the hell could he have been thinking - shooting at a defenseless armadillo, but the man would only say that about the only thing that was going through his head at the time - was the ricocheted bullet.  Not surprisingly, former Vice Pre

Many Red States Restoring Gun Rights for the Mentally Ill:  Despite the ever-rising number of gun deaths in the United States, new data indicate that many red states have been increasingly restoring the right to carry firearms to people who’ve previously lost that right, due to serious mental illness.   Meanwhile, the NRA is strongly defending the move as “absolutely necessary,” pointing out that the last thing we need to be doing during these stressful times is leaving our nation’s mentally ill, completely defenseless against a much better-equipped, extremely well-armed - imaginary enemy.   The NRA further argued that providing these vulnerable citizens with needed weaponry is especially critical during a pandemic, when folks such as paranoid schizophrenics may not be receiving their medications as frequently as they normally do, thereby increasing the perceived threat against them - by at least tenfold. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Ivanka Trump Launches ‘Find Something New’ Career Campaign:   White House adviser Ivanka Trump, along with Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross - have decided to inform millions of unemployed people, that all they need to do to provide for themselves or their families, is to simply “Find Something New,” and the two have helped launch a website and an ad campaign to promote the idea. Well, I do have to admit, there’s certainly nothing quite like getting your employment advice from someone who’s gotten nearly everything they have through nepotism.  Now, in her defense, I suppose she really does mean well - you know, in a Marie Antoinette kind of way. And that, makes me wonder just how well Ivanka might do on one of those cognitive tests like the one her father just took?  Now, let’s see - your first word choices are “dog, cat, daddy, camera, and selfie.”  I believe that would match up pretty well with the term “clueless.”   Anyway, I guess at this point, all we can basically

President Trump Sends Out Well-Wishes to Ghislaine Maxwell:   President Trump offered well-wishes and sympathy for longtime Jeffrey Epstein companion Ghislaine Maxwell, whom he said he had met “numerous times over the years” and who is awaiting trial on charges she recruited underage girls for the financier Epstein and his clients to sexually abuse. Gee, is it just me who’s thinking only Donald Trump could politically get away with offering “well-wishes” to a child sex trafficker?  And, to think some folks believe Donald Trump has no capacity for compassion.  Why, it’s difficult to even imagine what a “big heart” someone would have to have in order to offer “well-wishes” to a known sex predator, who has just been arrested! Now, I understand there’s always gonna be those skeptics, who believe the President is actually trying to signal a potential pardon for Ms. Maxwell - assuming she’s willing to keep her mouth shut about everything she knows.  You know,  like he’s offering h

Trump Returns to Do White House Coronavirus Briefings Solo:  Three months after he abandoned the daily virus briefings and attempted to turn the country’s attention to what he described as the “great American comeback,” President Trump took the lectern in the White House briefing room alone on Tuesday, free to say whatever he wanted without any distractions from the usual bunch “sciencey nerds” behind him. And, in a rare moment of candor, Trump reluctantly admitted that the spread of the coronavirus will likely get worse before it gets better, and that people should probably wear masks.  Well said Mr President!  The fact is, most of us are already rather optimistic things will begin to get better - sometime after November 3rd. Ironically, now that Trump is finally admitting the virus is spreading fast and that people should wear masks, you’d think most of those armed militia thugs, whom Trump egged on to to out and “liberate” those Democratic run states from the governors w

White House Moves Bush and Clinton Portraits to a Back Room:   The White House has reportedly moved the presidential portraits of Bill Clinton and George W Bush, from the building's entrance hall, where President Trump had to frequently pass by them, to a back room - which is primarily used for storing tablecloths and furniture. Hell, if President Trump really wanted to move them to somewhere where he’d never have to encounter them again, why not just hang them in the White House library?  But, in all fairness, I understand exactly where he’s coming from on this.  After all, he needed to make room for Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un’s portraits. Perhaps the next President could in turn reciprocate, by having Trump’s portrait moved into one of the White House’s public bathrooms.  Of course, Trump needn’t worry, for I’m sure his portrait will forever be prominently displayed throughout the Kremlin.  That said, it kind of makes me wonder as to just who will be the lucky

Trump Wants to Block New Money for Testing, Tracing and the CDC:   People involved in those talks, report that the Trump Administration is attempting to block billions of dollars for states to conduct testing, contact tracing and funding for the CDC - in the upcoming coronavirus relief bill. Beautiful!  Only Donald Trump could manage to propose a coronavirus “relief bill,” that offers "no relief.”  But, I do see his point.  As any good Republican will tell you, the only way to get rid of this virus, is by passing another “tax cut for the wealthy.   Frankly, at this point, I think we’d all be better off - if they just decided to use an Ouija Board to make federal policy decisions, but I suspect even the spirit world wouldn’t wanna be associated with any of the shenanigans this Administration’s concocting.   Anyway, after they implement all those budget cuts, I guess we can always take Trump’s earlier advice and try drinking bleach.  Now, I don't always drink ble

Portland Mayor Says Feds Snatching Protestors Right Off the Streets:   Protesters say federal law enforcement officials from the U.S. Marshals Service and Department of Homeland Security, which Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler refers to as President Trump’s “personal army,” have stormed through Portland, snatching peaceful protestors right off the streets, then hauling them off in unmarked vans.  All this, as part of Donald Trump’s campaign promise to “protect the statues.” Gee, it’s almost enough to make you wonder whatever happened to all those “freedom-loving,” 2nd Amendment NRA trolls, who claim all their fancy assault weapons are needed to protect US citizens from our evil, tyrannical government?   Guess they must be off somewhere, mad as hell and pouting about having to wear a damn face mask, every time they go into their local 7-Eleven, to purchase cigarettes and a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Anyway, mark my words, if Trump can get away with this, he can get aw

Trump Claims Police Kill More White People than Blacks:  Earlier this week, President Trump shrugged off reporter’s questions about police killing black people, by claiming police kill more white people - and, while that’s technically correct, data indicate black people are actually 2.5 times more likely to die at the hands of police than whites. Gee, is it just me, or did Donald Trump just try and convince folks about how fair and reasonable the police are, by bragging about how they like to murder white folks also?   I mean, with an understanding of math and statistics like that, do we really need to ponder how anyone could possibly manage to even bankrupt a damn gambling casino? Why, this is a guy who, if you asked him about square roots, would ask his gardeners to dig up the White House rose garden - just to try and prove you wrong.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Defends People Who Love the Confederate Flag:   The Associated Press reports that President Trump is defending the people who support the Confederate flag, claiming that he “knows people who love the Confederate flag, and they're not thinking about slavery.” Well, I do have to admit that I fully agree with the President when he says - “people who support the Confederate flag aren't thinking!”  So, they aren’t thinking about slavery?  And, to think all this time, we all assumed there was actually a reason behind why those folks were flying Confederate flags at Klan rallies .   I suppose they just must think that flag’s awfully damn pretty.  Anyway, I assume that also means that all those folks who fancy the Nazi swastika, aren’t really thinking about the Holocaust - they just happen to love geometry.  Now, what I’d like to know is, do you suppose all those Trump supporters, who just love to brag about how their party is the “party of Lincoln,” ever feel jus

Trump Retweets Chuck Woolery Covid-19 Hoax Claim:  President Trump appears to be once again be claiming the coronavirus is a hoax, as he retweeted a message from game show host Chuck Woolery which claimed that “Everyone is lying.  The CDC, Media, Democrats, our Doctors, not all but most ,that we are told to trust.  I think it’s all about the election and keeping the economy from coming back, which is about the election.  I’m sick of it.” Laugh if you want, but Mr. Woolery's experience as a game show host on extremely popular programs like Wheel of Fortune and Love Connection, would actually give him a much broader perspective on things than those men and women whose narrowly focused qualifications in areas like science and epidemiology would have. In fact, Fox News is reporting that medical experts around the world are now desperately trying to contact Mr. Woolery, hoping to get his input on handling other difficult medical issues they’re confronting.   As for me -

Trump Sidelines Fauci Over His Blunt Talk About the Pandemic:   As the Trump administration strays more and more from the advice of its scientists and public health experts, the White House has moved to sideline the scientist and director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr Anthony S. Fauci, who hasn’t briefed Trump in over a month and who is no longer included in any Covid-19 press briefings. Well, no surprise there.  Hell, about the only time any Republicans have ever done anything that even remotely resembles social distancing, was way back when Clint Eastwood was talking to that empty chair during that completely insane 2012 Republican National Convention in Tampa . So, here we are, right in the middle of a deadly pandemic - and Trump decides he no longer needs to meet with infectious disease experts?  Now, you can say what you want about Fauci and Trump, but my guess is - at least Anthony Fauci was smart enough to take his own SATs to get in

Trump Commutes Old Pal Roger Stone's Sentence:   After declaring Roger Stone a victim of the “Russia hoax” perpetuated by the Left and its allies in the media, President Trump has commuted the three-year prison criminal sentence for the Republican operative and dirty trickster, who was due to report to federal prison on Tuesday after being found guilty of obstruction, witness tampering and lying to Congress. Good grief, is it my imagination, or has Trump actually just pardoned the real-life version of the Monopoly guy?  I mean, Stone is a villain right out of Charles Dickens.  Why, this is an act so corrupt, it’s almost enough to make Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin blush. Now, I’m no legal expert, but it appears what the Trump Administration is basically arguing is that - someone shouldn’t be punished for committing a crime which “they really should’ve gotten away with.”  And while that may sound a bit odd to the rest of us, that kind of thinking makes good sense inside

Tucker Carlson Accused of Echoing a White Supremacist Slogan:   Critics are accusing host Tucker Carlson and Fox News of echoing a well-known white supremacist slogan, after displaying side-by-side images of Representative Ilhan Omar and Senator Tammy Duckworth - along with a message below that read: “We have to fight to preserve our nation & heritage,” and then accusing Duckworth of “hating America.”   Now, to be completely fair, I can kind of see Tucker’s point on this.  I mean, all Duckworth did was lose both of her legs while fighting with our armed forces in Iraq, when the Black Hawk helicopter she was co-piloting was shot down during a combat mission.   On the other hand, patriot Tucker once had to endure losing one of his hard to find Ralph Lauren boat shoes during a cocktail party on a sponsor’s yacht several years ago.  Say what you want, but I’ve seen those boat shoes advertised online, and they’re not cheap.  You wanna talk about going through some real hell.

Trump Withdraws From World Health Organization During a Pandemic:  Amid a resurgent pandemic and rising hospitalizations and deaths, President Trump pitted America against the world on Tuesday, moving to pull the United States out of the World Health Organization. So, I guess it’s Trump against the rest of the world.  Unfortunately, that “rest of the world" also happens to include all of us in the United States.   Meanwhile, Trump Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany justified pulling out of WHO by claiming “I think the world is looking at us as a leader in Covid-19.”  And, she’s right.  We have over twice as many infections and deaths than anyone else.  If that doesn’t make us the leader, I don’t know what does.    I hate to sound pessimistic, but at this point - I’m starting to think we might have been better off, if Kim Kardashian and Kayne West had been running the coronavirus task force, right from the start. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure most Americans p

Armed Militias Flock to Gettysburg to Foil Fake Antifa Flag Burning:   After a mysterious figure on social media repeatedly boasted about plans antifa protesters supposedly had to converge on the Gettysburg battlefield on Independence Day to burn American flags - armed militia members, bikers and white nationalists turned up en masse July 4 to defend against the imaginary flag burning by leftists. Wow, slow down all you macho weekend warriors - looks like the antifa boogeyman gotcha good.  Why, it’s a miracle these pot-bellied, gun-toting, “Early Bird Special Forces" didn't form a circular firing squad - and start shooting each other in the name of “free-dumb.”  The truth be known, it’s a pretty safe bet that the only thing even close to combat most of these tattooed, 101st BarcaLounger Squadron warriors have ever seen - is fighting their way to the front of some buffet line. I’ll tell you one thing, it’s lucky for them that the hoaxer didn’t suggest to these gu

Don Jr's Girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle Tests Positive for Coronavirus:   It’s been announced that Kimberly Guilfoyle, the 51-year-old former Fox News television personality and current girlfriend of Donald Trump Jr, who had traveled to South Dakota for the President’s Mount Rushmore Fourth of July speech, has tested positive for coronavirus. Well, I gotta be honest and admit that I just don’t get it.  I mean, you’d think that after having worked at Fox for all those years, she’d already have built-up an immunity to just about every disease known to humanity by now.  Guess she just hasn’t been drinking enough bleach.  Oh well, even though she may be COVID-19 positive, she’s still considered IQ negative. Meanwhile, shortly afterward - Don Jr announced he will also be self-isolating.  On a positive note, at least now we know he won’t be shooting any exotic, endangered animals for the next two weeks.  And, the President is likely safe too, given that he rarely lets Don Jr

Trump Criticizes Cancel Culture During Mount Rushmore Campaign Rally:  During an extremely angry and divisive campaign rally held Friday at Mount Rushmore, President Trump immediately launched into an extremely aggressive, verbal attack on opponents, labeling them as “left-wing mobs,” seeking to "tear down" the United States and US history.  The rally was immediately followed by a huge fireworks display. Prior to the event, critics warned that holding a fireworks display in such a remote area would be extremely dangerous, given that Mount Rushmore is surrounded by 1200 acres of Ponderosa Pine, but President Trump dismissed the fire concern as simply fake news, pointing out that he’d looked at a few pictures of Mt. Rushmore before flying in, and the monument appears to be "all stone.”   Meanwhile, a Trump campaign spokesperson went on to add that a fireworks display is vitally important to the evening’s festivities - because the fireworks will be used to illumi

Herman Cain Hospitalized With Covid-19 After Attending Trump’s Tulsa Rally:   Herman Cain, the former Godfather’s Pizza chain executive who ran in the Republican presidential primary in 2012, has been hospitalized with Covid-19 less than two weeks after attending a Trump Nuremberg-style rally in Tulsa. Well, let us hope he gets well soon.  If not, may he “rest in pizza.”  That said, it must be rather embarrassing for a rabid Trump supporter to have to be hospitalized for a Democrat/Media hoax?  And, if you remember, back in 2012 when Cain was running for President, his motto used to be “9- 9-9.”  Now, it’s apparently 9-1-1.   And good grief!  It just occurred to me that if “Cain isn’t Abel” to vote in November, that means Trump will instantly lose one-third of his black voters.  Of course, it’s doubtful Trump will be sending Mr Cain well-wishes any time soon, at least not until someone explains to the President that Herman Cain and Ben Carson are actually two different peop

New Study Finds Asteroid Impact and Not Volcanoes Wiped Out Dinosaurs:   USA Today reports that a new study confirms that it was definitively an asteroid impact, and not volcanic eruptions - that killed off most of the dinosaurs 66 million years ago. OK, but come on!  That was over 66 million years ago.  Doesn’t USA Today have any news to report that’s a little more recent than that?  Not surprisingly, the White House has reached a rather different conclusion on the issue than the scientists, and are blaming it all on the Obama Administration.    Frankly, I’m not so sure dinosaurs even existed in the first place.  I mean, if they did, why aren’t there any statues of them around, like there are with all the dead confederates?  The way I look at it, the dinosaurs could be just as much the vicious, ugly, and ignorant predators that the folks who support the confederacy were, so it only makes sense they deserve a few statues themselves. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com