You've Got to Be Kidding?

Federal prosecutors have unsealed charges against four members of a Philadelphia-area truck robbery crew who made off with more than 2 million dimes that were being shipped from the US Mint in Philadelphia to Miami.   The heist took place while the tractor-trailer driver was sleeping in a Philadelphia parking lot. Well, I guess that pretty much explains why the local “Coinstar” machine was out of order.   Seems these damn coin collectors will do about anything to get their grubby little hands on more coins.   All I can say to these crooks is, “Don't steal that dime - if you can't do the time.”   And I do mean crooks.   I mean, it isn’t like these folks were gonna donate these coins to the “March of Dimes.”   Of course, that’s just my opinion.   I’m just trying to get my two cents worth in. Was it really worth it?  Well, even if these are a pretty good haul, it isn’t like these coins are “worth a mint.”   Besides, this whole thing sounds more ...

T he Dailey Beast reports that a Manhattan jury has convicted the Trump Organization of multiple counts of tax fraud and conspiracy over its use of perks such as cars and tuition, to skirt taxable salary payments to a number of its employees, including CFO Allen Weisselberg and Controller Jeffrey McConney.   The organization faces $1.6 million in fines. Naturally, Donald Trump is calling this verdict just another “witch hunt.”  No kidding, and from the looks of it, that New York jury - has just found their “witch.”   I mean, there has to be a point when there are so many “witch hunts” going on, that one can only conclude that Trump is either a crook, or he’s actually a witch.   I mean, this verdict wasn't about some employee just grabbing $100 dollars from the petty cash drawer. Not surprisingly, and in response to the verdict, Trump’s lawyers vowed to appeal - all the way up to H&R Block if necessary.  Meanwhile, on his Truth Social platform, Donald is ha...

A Michigan woman has been sentenced to prison after trying to hire a hitman to kill her ex-husband.  Wendy Wein searched online and found RentAHitman.com, a bogus website that claimed to be run by “Guido Fanelli,” that boasts of numerous industry awards and assures people they are 100% compliant with “HIPPA,” the “Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act” of 1964.   The site was founded by a Northern California man, who initially launched the website as kind of a joke for his network security business venture.   So far, about 700 people have contacted him about a hit, which he is able to forward to local police, given that he requires “customers” leave their personal information such as name, address, e-mail and phone number. Well, not to sound critical, but that’s what you get for trying to hire a hitman before first checking their Better Business Bureau rating and Yelp reviews.  I mean, how stupid do you have to be, to try and hire a hitman online - when yo...

Human Foot Found in Seattle Recycling Bin:   Police in Seattle report that a local homeowner found three adult body parts - including a foot - in the Central District recycling bin.   Authorities further added that the body parts were packaged and still quite fresh.   Wow, sounds like folks in Seattle are taking all this recycling stuff - just a wee-bit too seriously!  On the other hand, you’ve gotta hand it to a town where even the murders are so environmentally friendly, that they’re now recycling all their victims.  Hmmm, I wonder which color bins you’re supposed to use when you’re disposing of body parts.  Now, I’ve been using the blue ones. Anyway, when asked if they had any clues in the case, a police spokesperson said “no, at this point, we’re completely stumped.”  Of course, given that the foot was completely severed from the body, one might conclude the victim was probably rather “footloose.”  Meanwhile, city officials say if no one cl...

Alligator Bites Off Arm of Florida Man Fleeing Police:  Police in Lakeland, Florida, are searching for an alligator that bit off the hand and forearm of a man who was attempting to elude authorities by running into a lake. Gee, now I wonder why they’d be looking for the poor alligator?  Do they need it to make a statement or something?  I mean, this is Florida - and the gator was just taking a bite out of crime.   Hell, the cops didn't even have to disarm the guy - the gator took care of that.  Wonder how the hell the cop managed to handcuff a guy with one arm?  Someone must have lent him a hand.  Sounds like the cops may as well just exchange their K9 police dogs - for alligators. Meanwhile, some are making the argument that the gator’s actions actually constitute a form of arm robbery in and of itself, but we’ll have to wait and see where the scales of justice fall on that one.  Of course, this incident does raise some valid legal questio...

Louisiana Woman Tells Police the Meth Found in Her Groin Not Hers:   Police say that shortly after her arrest, a Louisiana woman tried to convince them that she had no idea where the meth they found in her groin area during a full body search came from. Now, before you laugh — it’s possible she may be on the up-and-up.  I’ll tell ya this much, if I only had a nickel for every time the cops found meth stuffed in one of my body parts - I sure as hell wouldn’t have to be here on Hollywood Blvd, trying to sell fake maps to the star’s homes every damn day. Besides, who could possibly control everything that goes on in their groin area?  I mean, did anyone even bother to consider that maybe she was just renting it out to someone - you know, like they do with those self-storage lockers you see over on Olympic Blvd in West Los Angeles?   Anyway, police say when they got her back to the station, they performed a more extensive search of the area, which additionally rende...

Trump Admits Blocking Postal Service Funding to Prevent Mail-In Voting:  President Trump admitted Thursday that he’s been blocking U.S. Postal Service funding because Democrats seek to expand mail-in voting during the coronavirus pandemic, making it crystal clear why he’s declined to approve $25 billion needed in emergency aid for the cash-strapped agency. Good grief, am I hearing things, or did Trump just say what’s supposed to be the “quiet part,” right out loud?”  Why, even Bond villains know not to do that.  Come on, voter suppression is a federal crime.  Of course, I suppose committing a federal crime isn’t really a big deal - when you control the courts, the DOJ, and the US Senate.    But, even if they did decide to bring charges, Trump is so completely insane - I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to become a federal witness and offer to testify against himself - hoping to get into a federal “Witness Protection Program. Ironically, Trump’s been c...

Trump Commutes Old Pal Roger Stone's Sentence:   After declaring Roger Stone a victim of the “Russia hoax” perpetuated by the Left and its allies in the media, President Trump has commuted the three-year prison criminal sentence for the Republican operative and dirty trickster, who was due to report to federal prison on Tuesday after being found guilty of obstruction, witness tampering and lying to Congress. Good grief, is it my imagination, or has Trump actually just pardoned the real-life version of the Monopoly guy?  I mean, Stone is a villain right out of Charles Dickens.  Why, this is an act so corrupt, it’s almost enough to make Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin blush. Now, I’m no legal expert, but it appears what the Trump Administration is basically arguing is that - someone shouldn’t be punished for committing a crime which “they really should’ve gotten away with.”  And while that may sound a bit odd to the rest of us, that kind of thinking makes go...

Officials Charging People Who Deliberately Cough on Others With Terrorism:  As reports from all over the country circulate about people who’ve been using the coronavirus itself as a threat - by coughing on officers, threatening to cough on people around them, or contaminating merchandise at stores - more and more law enforcement agencies are now charging these perpetrators with “terrorism.” Wait a minute, charging folks who deliberately cough - with terrorism?  All I can say is, looks like I’ll be arrested and jailed immediately following my next prostate exam. But, forget about all that.  Hell, I get into a big coughing spell every time Trump opens his mouth about his wonderful coronavirus ratings or that damn hydroxychloroquine stuff he’s been hawking. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Apple Granted Restraining Order Against Man Stalking Tim Cook:   Apple has filed a temporary restraining order against a man it says has been harassing and making subtle threats against CEO Tim Cook as well as other members of Apple's executive team.  Oh, for crying out loud - Bill Gates, learn to control your anger! One thing's for sure, we definitely know it wasn’t President Trump, because he’s been too busy harassing some guy named “Tim Apple.” But all kidding aside, the judge apparently considered the threat to be so serious, he not only ordered the guy to stay at least 100 feet away from Tim Cook, but also a 100 feet away from all Apple products. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Arizona Republican Accused of Selling Babies in Illegal Adoption Scheme:  Arizona’s Maricopa County Assessor Paul Petersen has resigned, months after the Republican official was charged with running a human smuggling operation that paid pregnant women from the Marshall Islands to give up their babies for sale here in the United States. Gee, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this story will never be run on Fox News.  Why, no wonder the Trump administration’s been so eager to separate all those children from their parents at the border.   I guess this pretty much explains why the GOP’s been so strongly against things like abortion, contraception and family planning in general.  Hell, how's a good Republican supposed to meet product quotas when those things are allowed? And, now that I think about it, Don Jr claimed that infamous meeting between he and the Russians at Trump Tower in 2016, was all about finding new ways to expedite “adoption of Russi...

Retiring Wisconsin Teacher Admits Defecating in Park for 2 Years:   Retiring Wisconsin English teacher Jeffrey S. Churchwell, has been arrested by local authorities on charges of defecating twice a day in a local public park for over two years, telling arresting police he was just “being an idiot” and that he did it “for convenience and to be disrespectful." My gosh, he was defecating twice a day - right in the park?  This guy’s obviously “full of it.”  Now, I’m certainly not defending his actions, but it really sounds to me like this is a dude with a pretty serious bran muffin habit.  Neighbors suspect his Cocker Spaniel’s been a bad influence on him.  Whatever!  Who knows, maybe President Trump will pardon him? One thing’s for sure, you can bet his poor students are never gonna feel completely comfortable when he tells them they’ve gotta use a "Number 2 pencil” on their test.  Anyway, it’s probably a good thing he’s about to retire, bec...

Paul Manafort Says Hannity Served as His Backchannel to Trump:   Paul Manafort said he used Fox News host Sean Hannity to receive backchannel messages from President Donald Trump while prosecutors investigated him for financial crimes, according to newly released memos from former Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. Now, in light of these revelations, analysts are warning that it might be a good time for Sean Hannity get himself a good lawyer.  What are they talking about?  Hannity already has himself a lawyer.  It’s just that his lawyer (Michael Cohen) - happens to be in prison at the moment.   Anyway, I have to say all this leaves me more than a little bit confused about the workings of our government.  I mean, who the hell’s supposed to be our Vice President anyway?  Is it Rudy Giuliani or Sean Hannity?  At some point, they’ve gonna have to make up their mind! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Retweets Post Naming Alleged Whistleblower:   President Trump retweeted, then deleted, a post from suspicious Twitter user @Surfermom77 - thought to be an automated Russian bot - a tweet that included the alleged name of the anonymous whistleblower whose complaint ultimately led to Trump’s impeachment by the House.  Luckily for all of us, we still have Melania - toiling day and night, working tirelessly to end cyber bullying. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Big Christmas Sale Begins at 99 Cents Only Stores:   The local 99 Cents Only Stores here in Los Angeles have just announced that they are now holding their big, annual Christmas sale.  Now, not to sound critical, but if you ever find yourself in a position where you’re waiting to buy your Christmas gifts until things go on sale at a 99 Cent Store, perhaps it's time to reevaluate your career choices.

W Virginia Gov’t Employees Suspended for Giving Nazi Salute:   Roughly 30 employees of the West Virginia’s Department of Military Affairs and Public Safety, have been suspended after a recent picture emerged showing them performing a Nazi salute in a group photo. I guess about the only thing missing in this photograph would be the tiki torches.  Obviously, this picture must have been taken before Home Depot opened that morning, a bit too early for anyone to head over and pick them up.  Of course, these are the very same folks who get really pissed over athletes taking a knee - because everyone knows there’s no any racism in America any more.  Oh well, I suppose it’s back to those "clean coal" jobs for these folks. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Says the Media is Responsible for His Behavior:  Speaking on the White House lawn, Donald Trump went on a rant claiming the impeachment inquiry is a just a hoax, suggesting the whistleblower’s lawyer should be sued for treason and then blaming the media for his behavior.    Wow, you mean to tell me that it was the media who made Trump steal money from his own charity - and then spend it on himself?  Good grief, I never realized the media could be that heartless.   Why, if that’s true, then it must also be the media who forced him launder all that Russian mob money through his real estate properties, not pay his creditors, cheat his employees and stiff his suppliers.  Damn, these media folks are really good. What I don’t get is, since we all know that the only media people Trump actually believes - are folks like Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Mark Levin and Rush Limbaugh. Now, if my calculations are correct, that means everything’s all...

Republicans Attempt to Move Impeachment Focus on Biden:   House Republicans are pressing ahead with their attempts to move the impeachment inquiry away from President Trump - by calling on Democrats to instead add witnesses to the probe Joe Biden’s son and the whistleblower, whose initial complaint was what kicked off this investigation. Wow, why it’s the old middle school defense of “hey, look over there - at what those other people are doing!”  Gee, I had no idea you could still use that excuse like that after you leave high school.  I guess you’ve better have the right crowd though. Now, one thing I’ve never understood is why Republicans always seem to front some of the dumbest folks who’ve ever walked the face of the Earth - as their media attack dogs.  You know, people like Sarah Palin, Rick Perry, Rudy Giuliani, Kellyanne Conway, Ben Carson, Devin Nunes, Jim Jordan, and Matt Gaetz.   And, then it occurred to me - when you’re trying to reach...

Bevin Refuses to Concede Race Citing Voting Irregularities:  Incumbent Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin, to whom Donald Trump just gave his full support at a recent rally, is now refusing to concede the gubernatorial election to Democratic challenger Andy Beshear, citing what he says were “voting irregularities.”  Wow, so Republicans are now suddenly becoming concerned about the integrity of our voting process?  Who knew?  And isn’t it interesting how Republicans are always crying “voter fraud,” when just about everyone who's actually been busted committing voter fraud - has been Republican.  Funny how that works out, isn’t it? That said, they’ll no doubt continue clinging to the "voter fraud” claims.  After all, that’s about all they have left at this point.  Now, it’s about time for good old Fox News to cue up those bogus videos showing rows and rows of busses, heading this way from the Mexican border, and loaded with thousands of illegal vote...

My Tale of Mystery and Intrigue in a Godforsaken Town They Call Bakersfield:   Over the years, I cannot begin to tell you how many times good, decent folks have come up to me and asked me to post something that could prove to them that there have actually been people who sincerely want to be in Bakersfield, California.   Well, I knew right away this was gonna be one tough assignment - but I've had them before.  So, I put aside my long-held plans to binge-watch old episodes of “My Mother the Car,” and began my fateful journey.  And my friends, it was a journey that would take me to places no self-respecting, decent human being should ever find themselves.  That’s right, I’m talking about Bakersfield.   Then, one chilly and windy, dark Bakersfield night - I got lucky.  No, you perverts, not THAT kind of lucky!  I was walking down one of those small, winding, little Bakersfield side streets, when I came upon this funky, little jazz club....

Louisiana Woman Arrested for Selling $20 Fake Doctor's Notes:   Belinda Gail Fondren, a 52-year-old Evans, Louisiana woman, has been arrested for selling 14 forged doctor’s notes she had stolen from a local physician’s office - notes which were used to provide students with excuses to cut classes, which she was selling for $20 a pop.  Hell, if this would have been a crime back when I was in high school, half my classmates would have been behind bars.  Meanwhile, local police tried to reassure concerned citizens by putting four more detectives on the case and assigning all the boys down at the crime lab to work overtime. Now I don’t know this woman, but I’ll tell you one thing - she had better learn to change her ways and fast, because everyone knows it's a hard damn life living in that shadowy underworld of the “fake doctor's note industry.”     Police told reporters that Ms Fondren’s crime was finally exposed after school officials realized that...