You've Got to Be Kidding?

Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) told host Sebastian Gorka during a recent Newsmax interview, that if the Democrat Party is allowed to take away all your “AR-15s and your AK-47s,” we will end up like Venezuela where they started eating their dogs because the government took away their guns. Now, as many of you know, I’m often a critic, but this time I have to admit Ms. Boebert is right on the money!  Frankly, it kind of makes me wonder why no one else has ever thought about anything like this before.  In fact, word on the street has it that after learning about the Boebert interview, a helluva lot of dogs are asking themselves why they only have a bunch of useless, chewable rubber toys to play with, but no AK-47s.  Obviously, the only logical thing to do is immediately arm each and every American dog with an assault rifle, along with plenty of rounds of live ammo.  As for protecting the dogs of Venezuela, a quick solution might be for Rep. Boebert to consider sending so...

Attacks by Urban Coyotes Have Been Increasing:   As more and more humans settle into their usual habitats, coyotes have begun taking up residence in America’s unban areas, causing residents to express concerns about the safety of pets and even small children. No kidding?  Why, I could have sworn “Urban Coyote” was the name of an old John Travolta movie.  But putting all that aside, I saw a couple of really HUGE coyotes over the Holidays right in my neighborhood, so I assume they must be eating well and enjoying all that our LA cuisine has to offer.   In fact, they may be enjoying LA food a bit too much if you ask me.  Mark my words, if this keeps up, you’ll start seeing specialty diet centers like “Coyote Atkins" or “ Jenny Craig-Canine ,” springing up all the place in over LA.   Hell, they’re getting so comfortable here, pretty soon they’ll be calling Uber to explore different neighborhoods.  I mean, why walk?  Let’s not forget “W...

Trump Invites Military Dog Injured in al-Baghdadi Raid to White House:   President Trump is tweeting that the military working dog named Conan, who was injured in the raid that killed ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, will leave the Middle East next week for a visit to the White House. Its being reported that the dog initially declined the invitation, but was finally persuaded to come after Trump promised him treats during their phone conversation - which the President later described as a “perfect conversation,” and vehemently denying accusations of any quid pro quo with the dog.   Sources close to the dog say Conan made it clear to the President that he expected nothing short of first class doggie treats and not a bunch of crappy, cold cheeseburgers, like the president passed out to Clemson’s football team during their White House visit this past January.  One things for sure, had the dog actually declined the White House invitation, you can bet Trump w...

Ice Age Wolf Discovered Fully Preserved in Russian Permafrost:  The decapitated head of a 40,000-year-old wolf subspecies, has been discovered intact in northern Russia - with its ears, fangs, brain and tongue perfectly preserved in the permafrost.  Scientists believe the animal may have been a wolf queen in her pack, who was beheaded after telling the hungry wolves “let them eat cavemen!” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com CV Sciences Inks Deal With Kroger to Sell CBD in 17 States:   CV Sciences, the parent company behind the top-selling brand of hemp-derived CBD oil on the market, just inked a huge deal with the largest US supermarket chain Kroger, to sell its CBD oil in 945 Kroger-owned stores spanning 17 states.  All I can say is, I’ve seen a lot of things in my long life, but never in my wildest dreams - did I ever imagine I would live long enough to see cannabis being sold in a supermarket.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Red Robin...

Critics In Awe Over Pikey the Cat’s Acting Debate:  This is the only known pic of Pikey the Cat during his acting debut. Yea, this is pretty powerful stuff, which is why I had to post it. I showed this pic to a friend of mine and she was utterly speechless - couldn't say a word.  I said "what's the matter, cat got your tongue?" She told me no, she had already lost most of her tongue during a botched dental surgery about eight years ago back in Keokuk, Iowa.  I asked her if she sued and she turned around, looked me right in the eyes - and said “suing would be out of the question."  Turns out, her dentist was also her lawyer.  Hell, I just shook my head and walked away as fast as my feet would carry me.  I was in total shock.  That's right, I needed a place to vomit, yet somehow, almost instinctively, I knew that the dry goods section in Trader Joe's was no place to do it - all the time, and knowing full-well, Pikey the Cat wouldn’t hesit...

Japanese Study Finds Cats Can Recognize Their Own Names:   A new study out of Japan shows that cats' grasp of our words is closer to a dog's than we think, as researchers determined that cats are quite capable of recognizing the sound of their own names, even when said among a bunch of words that have the same length and accents.  Of course, recognizing that you’ve called their name - and having them actually give a good crap that you have - are two entirely different things. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mick Jagger Recovering After Heart Procedures:   Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger is resting comfortably after a successful a heart valve procedure and a stent inserted into a sagging artery.  Meanwhile, by some odd quirk of fate which modern science has yet to fully understand, bandmate Keith Richards celebrated Mick’s recovery by lighting up another cigarette and pouring himself a long snort of single malt scotch. https://www.johnnyrobis...

Scientists Debate if the Himalayan Wolf is a New Species:   Conservation biologist Geraldine Werhah claims her research indicates that the Himalayan Wolf is not just another gray wolf as previously assumed, but actually a brand new species of wolf due to their unique adaption to higher altitudes.   That said, it should be pointed out that much of Werhah's research is considered quite controversial in that she frequently was seen wearing Little Red Riding Hood costumes in the hope it would allow her to get closer and then, after then winning their trust by telling them things such as “why, what big eyes you have” - she immediately began “barking” orders at them.   Of course, Werhah defended her actions by pointing out that when one is studying a wild wolf population, you can’t afford to be sheepish.  Speaking of which, I think we can all agree that sheep is one topic these wolves can really sink their teeth into.  And, not to be critical, but good luc...

PETA Launches Campaign to End Anti-Animal Language:   The animal's rights group is being heavily criticized for comparing "anti-animal" idioms to racism, homophobia, and other discriminatory language.  And don’t I know it!  I mean, my cat’s reported me to PETA numerous times for using anti-animal language around the house with such cruel, hateful phrases like “it’s time for your bath,” or “now get down off the kitchen drainboard,” and of course, perhaps the most heinous phrase of them all - “now get in your carrier, we’re going to see the vet.”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Finnish Scientists Develop First-Ever Vaccine for Dying Bees:   Scientists in Finland say they may have a way to save the dying bee population, as they have just developed an edible vaccine for the prominent and deadly bacterial disease “ American Foulbrood ," which spreads very rapidly and destroys entire honeybee populations.  Researchers say that now they’ve finishe...

Richard Branson Taking Submarine Down World's Largest Sinkhole:   In the first mission of its kind, Jacques Cousteau's grandson and Sir Richard Branson are plunging in a submarine into the deep, dark bottom of what has been named "The Great Blue Hole” - a cavern large enough to swallow two Boeing 747s with room to spare - located off the country of Belize.  Well, if he does runs into any trouble, I suppose Elon Musk can always come by and rescue him.  Now personally, I much prefer to experience an adventure like that on my 4K TV - lying back on my couch with plenty of snacks and beverages on hand.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Cat Poop Home To Life-Threatening Parasites:  According to new research published in Trends in Parasitology, cat feces is known to carry a highly infectious parasite that can cause many serious issues including negatively impacting academic performance in school children.  So kids, next time your mom complains about...

Outbreak Linked to Contact with Puppies:  The US Centers for Disease Control has linked puppies to a nationwide, drug-resistant, stomach bug outbreak.  Now come on!  I can live with having to refrain from drugs, alcohol, tobacco, fatty foods and even coffee, but my friends, when they start warning us about the dangers of puppies - I don’t wanna live in that world!  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Removing Faulty Brain Cells Staves Off Dementia in Mice:   A groundbreaking study has revealed that purging “zombie cells” from the brain could stave off the effects of dementia and cognitive decline in mice - but so far it doesn’t seem work in humans.  Well, if they can’t get it to work on humans, perhaps they could first try it out on politicians or people who work for the DMV? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Brawl Breaks Out at Ohio Kindergarten Graduation:  Police arrested eight people after a brawl broke out at an Ohio kindergarte...

Scientists Have Discovered the World's Oldest Color:   Scientists claim to have found what they believe is the oldest color pigment ever discovered, found in 1.1 billion year-old rocks, deep beneath the Sahara desert and - described as a bright pink.  Wait a minute - if this was the very first color, does that mean prior to that, everything was in black and white? http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Canadian Man Found Dead with Face Half Eaten By His Dog:  A 62-year-old Canadian man has been found naked and half-eaten by his own beloved dog on his bedroom floor of his Thailand home - with his face chewed down to the skull.  My guess is the poor pooch probably began by licking the man’s face trying to wake him up and then, after a few days passed thought - “hey, this really ain’t that bad!”  One thing’s for sure, if anyone’s thinking about adopting this dog, it might be a good idea to make sure there’s plenty of extra dog food laying around all over th...

Strong Reaction to Red Hen Refusing Sarah Sanders Service:  People are up in arms after the owner of the Red Hen Restaurant told White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders she couldn’t serve her and asked her and her family to leave.  I don’t get Red Hen.  I mean, it wasn’t like Sarah wanted to do something really dreadful like try and buy a cake for some gay friends. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Pit Bull Alerts Sleeping Indiana Boy to Fire:  An Indiana family's pit bull is being praised for alerting a deaf boy to a serious fire in his home by licking the sleeping boy's face until he woke up and was able to escape.  Technically, the dog was actually a new sub-breed of pit bull known as a Brad Pitt Bull. Tragically, while the boy was able to escape the fire, its unlikely he’ll ever be able to escape having to grow up in Indiana.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Report Finds Bible Most Shoplifted Book Ever:  A new...