You've Got to Be Kidding?

Howard Schultz Admits He Doesn’t Know How Much Cheerios Cost:   Billionaire and former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz was on Morning Joe to discuss what he thinks qualifies him to be president when co-host Mika Brzezinski asked him if he knows how much an 18-ounce box of Cheerios costs - which he didn’t.  Now I’ll be the first to admit I have no idea how much a box of Cheerios costs either, but I do know one thing - if Schultz was selling it, it would cost at least $25. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Rand Paul Awarded $580,000 From Neighbor Who Broke His Ribs:   A Kentucky jury has awarded U.S. Senator Rand Paul more than $580,000 in damages against a next-door neighbor who broke six of the Republican lawmaker's ribs in a gardening dispute.  Then I’m guessing at this point in time it wouldn’t do much good to try and make amends by asking Sen. Paul over some afternoon to barbecue some ribs?   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump Jeopardizes National

Sarah Sanders Claims God Wanted Trump to Be President:   While being interviewed by the Christian Broadcasting Network, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders made the claim that “God wanted Donald Trump to become president, which is why he won the election.” Really?  You mean to tell me that it was God who oversaw that Trump got elected?  This brings so many questions to mind, like is God even a registered voter?  Because if he isn’t, wouldn’t that be voter fraud?  And does that mean that God may have colluded with Putin and the Russians?  Oh, Lord have mercy!  And then why is it God’s been sending so many of Trump’s pals and inner circle to federal prison?  I mean, if God’s really on “Team Trump,” what the hell could he have been thinking during the midterms?  Did God even bother to check out the election results? Of course, I know members of the Trump cult are gonna say “look, if God didn’t really love Donald Trump, why would he have set him up with al

Woman Rages Over Being Seated Between Obese Passengers:   An out of control woman on a United Airlines flight was reportedly removed from the plane after raging against the “big fat pigs” she was seated in between.  When flight attendants agreed to allow her to sit elsewhere, she continued yelling at the larger passengers saying “I eat salads, okay!”  All I can say is, had they moved her next to me, I would have told her “I eat bean burritos - okay?  So you might wanna consider sitting on the other side of the plane.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Prehistoric Flutes Found in German Cave:   A new report in the Journal of Human Evolution determined that prehistoric flutes found in a cave in southwestern Germany date back 42,000 years.  While archeologists say they have no idea what type of music the cavemen played on the flutes, my guess is it was “rock” music.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Know Why Some Dinosaurs Grew Those Long Necks:  A

Eric Trump Miffed Media’s Reporting on Illegal Workers at Trump Clubs:   Eric Trump says he’s miffed that the news media has been reporting about the Trump Organization having to fire a dozen employees who have been working for the Trumps here illegally, even though Trump managers at the facility have known about their illegal status for many years.   Now, while I’m obviously no big Trump fan, I do have to admit that I kind of understand why Eric would be so upset about the media reporting on all this.  I mean, after all - who in the hell would want all their illegal activities reported in the news?  That’s just crazy!   So, with that in mind, let’s examine that special kind of logic Eric has employed here - which goes something like this - if those damned “open borders Democrats” had just provided funding for Trump’s big, beautiful wall (which is in no way medieval), then those immigrants could never have gotten into the US for Trump to hire them in the first place.  

Scientists Modify Chickens to Lay Eggs with Anti-Cancer Drugs:   Researchers in Edinburgh have genetically modified chickens that can lay eggs that contain drugs for arthritis and some cancers that are 100 times cheaper to produce than when manufactured in factories.  Now, about the only question an oncologist would need to ask is, would you prefer your cancer treatments scrambled or over easy? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Howard Schult Considering Independent Run for President:   Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he is seriously considering a bid for U.S. president as an independent, upsetting Democrats who believe he would hurt their party’s chances of defeating Republican Donald Trump in 2020.  And while many are dismissing this as another billionaire’s vanity move, let’s remember this is a guy who persuaded the world to buy astronomically priced, burnt coffee.  I guess the question is, after four years of Donald Trump - do we really want a pumpkin spiced p

New Study Links Alzheimer’s to Gum Disease:  Researchers say they have found evidence linking bacteria in gum disease to Alzheimer's disease - after researches examined brain tissue from patients with Alzheimer's and found toxic enzymes from gum disease bacteria in more than 90 percent of the samples.  Well, that sounds easy enough to rectify.  If Alzheimer’s is caused by gum disease, just don’t chew gum.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Impact With Mysterious Planet May Have Brought Life to Earth:  Scientists believe that 4.4 billion of years ago, a mysterious embryonic world with a sulfurous core smashed into Earth which created not only the moon, but also the possibility of life here on Earth.  Scientists say that on the other hand, had this mysterious planet slammed into Uranus, it probably wouldn’t have brought forth life - but more likely caused a catastrophic, interplanetary bowel movement. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Suggests

Women Found to Be More Charitable Than Men:   According to a study conducted by the Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University, women at nearly every income level are significantly more charitable than men.  I can certainly testify to that.  I’m mean, just ask any woman I’ve ever dated and she’ll be sure to tell you that she was “just being charitable.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Hitler’s Last Surviving Food Taster Writes Tell-All Book:  Margot Woelk, Hitler’s last surviving food taster, has decided at age 95 to tell all about the two and a half years she spent as one of 15 young women who sampled the führer’s gourmet vegetarian dishes to ensure that they weren’t poisoned.  I’ll have to assume this wasn’t the kind of job situation where you could just one day tell them “no thanks, I’m dieting.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Survey Finds Less Than 1 In 10 Americans Sleep Naked:  According to a poll of 3,700 people by linen and home décor company

World's Oldest Man Dies in Japan at 113:   Japanese media reports that the “world's oldest man" Masazo Nonaka, whose family says he enjoyed watching sumo wrestling and eating sweets, has died at the age of 113.  Bingo - I like watching television and eating sweets too.  I figure that oughta mean I’m good for at least a 100 years. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Russia Police Release Model Who Claimed to Have Trump Secrets:   A model from Belarus who claimed to have evidence of Russian interference in U.S. President Donald Trump's election was freed from Russian police custody, but remains a suspect in an unrelated criminal case.  Well, now that she’s free from a Russian jail, I guess it’s off to the Saudi consulate to pick up a visa. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com FDA Warns of Vaping Ban as More Teens Indulge:  Health experts and the FDA are debating whether vaping should be banned following data indicating that scores of underage smok

Super Blood Wolf Moon Eclipse Stuns Star Gazers Across the Globe:   People from around the globe got a chance to take their minds off politics and gaze in awe at 2019’s only total lunar eclipse that is being called a “super blood wolf moon” because of its huge size and reddish/orange hue.   Never ones to let a bunch of highfalutin astronomers and scientists have the last word, some prominent megachurch televangelists are claiming it wasn’t an eclipse, but actually God who turned the moon “orange,” to honor of Donald Trump in his efforts to close the border with Mexico.      Meanwhile, others are expressing concern that a Super Blood Moon as dramatic as this might encourage werewolves to become more active, but werewolves countered that “we don’t need no stink’n blood moon!  We can get the job done with any kinda moon you got.”   Now I have no idea if that statement is accurate or not.  After all, Warren Zevon is no longer with us to consult on such matters, but what I do

Trump Sites San Antonio as Example that Border Walls Work:  While recently addressing reporters, President Donald Trump cited the city of San Antonio as proof that border walls work, despite the fact that the city is actually 150 miles from the border and it doesn’t even have a wall. Perfect, then if I were Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi,  I’d say “Mr President, we’re ready to negotiate” and proceed to offer Trump that exact same border wall they have in San Antonio.  After all, who can argue with something that’s working that well?  Not to mention that some proud residents claim their invisible wall is “a thing of sheer beauty.” But seriously, a wall to protect San Antonio from Mexicans?  All I know is, that idea didn’t seem to work out all that well for Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie.  But never mind all that, the fact is it doesn’t really matter how bogus anything Trump proposes actually is - because he’ll still be considered nothing short of the second coming in our natio

Trump Campaign’s “Send A Brick To Chuck and Nancy” Sparks Backlash:   President Trump and son Don Jr are facing a social media backlash over their plan for a new "Trump 2020 Campaign” fundraising drive, asking supporters to mail them $20.20 to send “bricks” to the offices of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer in support of building Trump’s wall - with the ad’s small print later revealing that the bricks are simply “faux bricks” and all the money collected will actually go to Trump’s “Make America Great Again Committee.” Wow, yet another example of the “really deep thinking" that goes on over there at the White House.  I have a feeling that Trump and Don Jr may have come up with this genius “brick idea" simply because they’re upset that Santa only gave them both a lump of coal for Christmas, instead of what they really wanted - a Jeff Bezos-style bank account. I mean, come on - telling people to send bricks to your rivals is th

Conservative Social Media Personality Angry About Gillette Ad:   Conservative social media personality Graham Allen posted a pic on his Facebook page with both he and his children heavily armed, in protest of the recent controversial Gillette ad about masculinity, bullying and respect for women. OK, but the first thing I noticed was that everyone in this pic is armed except for the daughter.  What’s up with that?  And where the hell is the mom?  Not to sound conspiratorial, but could the daughter be unarmed as punishment for having shot the mom?  Just asking! Now to be completely honest,  I really don’t know all that much about the Gillette ad causing all this controversy, but what I do know is - this pic would be a perfect choice for the cover photo for the latest issue of “School Shooter’s Digest.”   I mean, every time I take a look at this photo, the first thing that comes to mind is - I have a feeling it won’t be very long before we’ll all be sending out our “though

Trump Cancels Pelosi’s Trip After She Requested State of the Union Delay:  The fight over the government shutdown hit a bizarre new low as President Trump decided to cancel House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s planned trip to Afghanistan - just a day after she angered Trump and Republicans by suggesting the President delay his State of the Union Address.   Serves her right.  Perhaps next time Speaker Pelosi will decide to follow the chain of command and first get approval for her trip from the proper authority - Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin.  Meanwhile, Melania just flew down to Mar-a-Lago for a lovely weekend on a government jet - all on the taxpayer’s dollar.  Thank goodness the White House has its priorities straight.  Besides, now that Trump has declared that all hostile groups in the area such as ISIS and the Taliban have been totally defeated, I guess there’s no point in Speaker Pelosi needing to visit Afghanistan anyway - other than for going on a shopping spree.

Pelosi’s Letter Basically Bans Traditional State of the Union Address:   Top Congressional scholar Larry Tribe of Harvard points out that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s letter asking President Trump to delay the State of the Union address is less of a request and more of an order, adding that without Speaker Pelosi’s OK - the President is essentially uninvited.  Of course, all that really means is Trump will make history by becoming the first President to tweet the State of the Union Address. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com People Say a Pothole in Lancashire UK Looks Like Paul McCartney:   After the United Kingdom’s Lancashire Evening Post published a story about potholes in the area, many readers wrote in to point out they thought that one of the potholes resembles none other than former Beatle Sir Paul McCartney.  Now the paper didn’t specify exactly where the pothole is located, but I think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume it’s down “a long and winding road.”  

Witness Claims El Chapo Paid Former Mexican President $100M Bribe:  A witness who claims to have been a close associate of Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman for many years, told a federal court in Brooklyn that he once paid a $100 million bribe to former Mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto.  Pena Nieto is reportedly unavailable for comment.  And who can blame him?  I mean, who the hell wants to spend time hanging out with reporters when you’ve got a $100 million to spend? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Report Claims Many Chinese Are Living in Caves:  According to a recent report published in the Los Angeles Times, over 30 million Chinese citizens are making their homes in caves.  And while living in a cave is certainly a cheaper way to live, it can disrupt a marriage and many couples who’ve made the move to cave living are reporting that their relationships are now on the rocks. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Study Finds Extremely High Obesity Rates in the D

Man Swallows Entire of 750-Milligram Bottle of Liquid Viagra:  A 50-something man was forced to seek medical attention after drinking an entire 750-milligram bottle of liquid Viagra, which caused him to experience severe vision issues such as a debilitating night blindness, doughnut-shaped spots in his eyes and an extreme sensitivity to light. Gee, who could have ever guessed that taking an entire bottle of a medication instead of the recommended dosage could have negative side effects?  Imagine that?  Obviously, this is someone who has to learn his lessons the “hard way!”   I mean, hasn’t he ever heard that old phrase - "stop it, or you'll go blind?”  Sadly, it all happened so fast, he never saw it coming.  Now, he’s in a situation where he can’t even bend over to tie his own shoes and was forced to sell his Mini Cooper.  Meanwhile, the poor guy’s gonna be saddled with all these medical bills and heaven knows he’s not a rich man - in fact, he just a “working s

Man Runs Back Into Burning Home to Save His Beer:  Firefighters say a Georgia man is lucky to be alive after he and his family fled a burning house, but then decided to go back in to retrieve the remainder of his six-pack of Bud Light and got caught in a backdraft - which slammed the door shut on him.  Now on the surface, that may seem like a foolish thing to do, but neighbors are calling him a hero for trying to save his “best buds.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Says Ice in UK Fast-Food Chains Has More Bacteria Than Toilets:   A new study by the Daily Mail found that six out of 10 of Britain’s most popular fast-food chains including McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC, Starbucks, Café Rouge and Nando’s serve ice that contains more bacteria than is found in their toilets.  So next time you’re ordering fast-food and the cashier asks you “would you care for anything to drink with that” - just tell them “no thanks, I’ll just be drinking right out of the toilet.” 

China Broadcasts First Pics From the Far Side of the Moon:   In what is being described as a groundbreaking mission to a largely inaccessible part of our lunar neighbor, China has begun broadcasting pictures taken by its rover and lander on what is commonly referred to as the "dark side of the moon.”   Gee, how is it that China has suddenly gone from building a 4th-century wall to landing on the dark side of the moon while, under President Trump’s leadership - we've gone from landing on the moon to shutting down our government to build a 4th-century wall?  But not to worry, I have faith Trump will get us there.  After all, if anyone knows how to lead us down the path to the “dark side” - it’s Donald J. Trump.  That said, perhaps someone ought to mention to the President that his idea of putting miners back to work by using coal-powered spacecraft probably won’t cut it - not that he’d listen anyway.  Besides, the only relevant question as far as America is concerned i