You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump's New Ambassador to Mexico Takes Aim at Icon Frida Kahlo:  Shortly after his appointment, Donald Trump’s new ambassador to Mexico, Christopher Landau, has been stirring up a fierce social media controversy - after he took direct aim at iconic Mexican painter Frida Kahlo, over her support of Marxism. Wow, talk about a timely political move.  I mean, with all the hatred and division going on in the world today, what could be more important than bringing up the political leanings of a world renowned artist - who’s been dead for over 65 years? And what makes this criticism of Frida Kahlo especially interesting is that it’s coming from an ambassador, who’s just been appointed by a US President who has openly embraced the likes of Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin.   And gee, what a big surprise to think that someone as politically astute as Donald Trump, could appoint a diplomat who doesn't have any idea about how to be diplomatic?   That said, regar...

At Least 20 Dead and Dozens Injured in El Paso Walmart Massacre:   Twenty people were killed and dozens more injured in yet another massacre by right-wing gunman, this time at an El Paso Walmart.  The store was packed with back-to-school shoppers, making it one of the ten deadliest mass shootings in U.S. history.   Well, fortunately for victim’s families, Republicans have announced they’ll be sending out many more than their usual “thoughts and prayers” to everyone involved - after all, there’s good people on both sides of this issue you know.   In addition, leading Republican senators promise to make funds available to arm all Walmart employees nationwide with fully automatic M4 Carbines - as well as immediately reform numerous committees to investigate Hillary’s e-mails and the 2011 Benghazi attack.  And so, it seems yet again - the world is left wondering how and why another horrific incident like this occurred.  In the meantime, confused ...

Drug Kingpin El Chapo Appeals Life Sentence:   Court documents indicate that Mexican drug lord Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman, who’s being held at the notorious ADX Federal Maximum Security Prison in Colorado, is appealing his life sentence.   During the appeal process, his new attorney told the court “Ah, now just take look at that face judge!  That your honor, is the face of a changed man, one who’s really “oh-so-sorry" about all the murders, torture, bribery, kidnapping, drug trafficking, theft and money laundering.   Anyway, my suggestion is, his cartel pals had better get busy digging that escape tunnel.  I mean, the poor guy’s now 61 and I hear it’s quite a good distance from Colorado back down to the border.  In fact, it sounds to me like the perfect job for Elon Musk and his The Boring Company. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Drug Smugglers Now Using Submarines to Ship Narcotics:  US authorities say drug cartels are now using submarines instead of high-speed boats to ship narcotics.  In related news, it’s being reported that drug users are now eating more submarine sandwiches than ever before.  Now I’m no law enforcement expert, but this has to be more than coincidence.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com     New Study Finds Humans Can Smell With Their Tongues:  Scientists say the human tongues can actually smell, as researchers report finding the exact same “smell sensors” in people’s noses that are in human tongues.  Maybe so, but good luck trying to recite a “nose twister” or treat a “runny tongue?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Malicious Software Attack Knocks the Weather Channel Off the Air:   The FBI is currently investigating a malicious software attack that knocked the Weather Channel off the air for more than an hour....

Trump Reportedly Floated Pardon for Border Official:   It’s being reported that President Trump told Customs and Border Protection Commissioner Kevin McAleenan that if he broke federal immigration law by denying migrants entry into the United States, he would pardon him - if he ever were to be jailed over the issue. So, it seems we have a President of the United States, dangling pardons in order to encourage government officials to commitment federal crimes?  Good, grief, if this had been anyone other than Donald Trump, that certainly would have been grounds for impeachment.   Kind of makes you wonder, where do all those strict constitutionalist, patriotic, law and order Republicans stand on all this?  Well, it turns out that Republicans actually aren’t all that concerned about the rule of law after all.  You see, what they really wanted, was an arsonist - and Donald Trump just happens to be the man with all the matches. Now, Republicans are gon...

Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen Forced to Resign:   After a reportedly contentious meeting with President Trump, Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen has been forced to resign amid her continual attempts to raise legal concerns over some of Donald Trump’s more severe impulses, specifically when his demands often clash with U.S. immigration laws and federal court orders. Well, apparently tearing little children away from their parents and locking them up in cages was not seen by this President as being tough enough on immigrants, and that means - goodbye Madam Secretary!  So, it looks like it’s time for Secretary Nielsen to grab that Pomeranian puppy fur coat of hers and - get the hell out of Washington.   Not to worry though, with a resume like hers, she’ll have no trouble finding work.  In fact, word has it she’s already lined up a gig running a new chain of day care centers for Syrian President Bashar Hafez al-Assad.  Now, the ...

Super Blood Wolf Moon Eclipse Stuns Star Gazers Across the Globe:   People from around the globe got a chance to take their minds off politics and gaze in awe at 2019’s only total lunar eclipse that is being called a “super blood wolf moon” because of its huge size and reddish/orange hue.   Never ones to let a bunch of highfalutin astronomers and scientists have the last word, some prominent megachurch televangelists are claiming it wasn’t an eclipse, but actually God who turned the moon “orange,” to honor of Donald Trump in his efforts to close the border with Mexico.      Meanwhile, others are expressing concern that a Super Blood Moon as dramatic as this might encourage werewolves to become more active, but werewolves countered that “we don’t need no stink’n blood moon!  We can get the job done with any kinda moon you got.”   Now I have no idea if that statement is accurate or not.  After all, Warren Zevon is no longer with us to...

Trump Sites San Antonio as Example that Border Walls Work:  While recently addressing reporters, President Donald Trump cited the city of San Antonio as proof that border walls work, despite the fact that the city is actually 150 miles from the border and it doesn’t even have a wall. Perfect, then if I were Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi,  I’d say “Mr President, we’re ready to negotiate” and proceed to offer Trump that exact same border wall they have in San Antonio.  After all, who can argue with something that’s working that well?  Not to mention that some proud residents claim their invisible wall is “a thing of sheer beauty.” But seriously, a wall to protect San Antonio from Mexicans?  All I know is, that idea didn’t seem to work out all that well for Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie.  But never mind all that, the fact is it doesn’t really matter how bogus anything Trump proposes actually is - because he’ll still be considered nothing short of t...

Witness Claims El Chapo Paid Former Mexican President $100M Bribe:  A witness who claims to have been a close associate of Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman for many years, told a federal court in Brooklyn that he once paid a $100 million bribe to former Mexican president Enrique Pena Nieto.  Pena Nieto is reportedly unavailable for comment.  And who can blame him?  I mean, who the hell wants to spend time hanging out with reporters when you’ve got a $100 million to spend? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Report Claims Many Chinese Are Living in Caves:  According to a recent report published in the Los Angeles Times, over 30 million Chinese citizens are making their homes in caves.  And while living in a cave is certainly a cheaper way to live, it can disrupt a marriage and many couples who’ve made the move to cave living are reporting that their relationships are now on the rocks. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Study Find...

Woman Unable to Hear Men's Voices Due to Rare Condition:   Doctors report that a woman in China woke up with a rare  hearing-loss condition that prevents her from hearing men’s voices.  Scientists say there’s a similar condition that can occur in men where they can’t hear women’s voices, but it’s rarely reported because the men almost never seek treatment.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Flat Earth Society Announces 2020 World Cruise:  A group of folks who believe the Earth is flat, have announced their “biggest, boldest, best adventure yet” - a Flat Earth world cruise scheduled for the year 2020.  Which should prove interesting, given that a ship’s entire navigational equipment is based upon the principle that the Earth is spherical.  I suspect the Flat Earthers on this cruise may be in for a bit of a shock when they discover that it isn’t the earth that’s flat - it’s actually their heads.  https://www.johnnyrobishc...

Trump Falsely Claims Obamas Have Erected a Wall Around Their Home:  In a bizarre justification for wanting to build his border wall, President Donald Trump has been tweeting the totally false claim that the Obamas have erected a 10-foot wall around their Washington DC home for security.   My God, I just can’t believe Trump would tell a lie, especially about the Obamas.  Of course, in President Trump’s defense, I believe he’s simply confusing a 10-foot wall with the 10-foot poles the Obamas have placed around the property - just in case any of the Trumps ever decide to come by and pay a visit. But Donald needn’t worry - I mean, even if the Obamas had a 20-foot wall around their home, it still wouldn’t rival Donald’s proposed project.  That’s because it lacks all the necessary animal cages that the Trump people use to lock up the immigrant children while they’re waiting to deport their parents. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Lindsay Graham Says Trump’s Wall is a Metaphor for Border Security:   In an effort to assure a determined President Trump that we’re going to be funding his “wall," while still giving Democrats something they can sign off on - Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-SC) has been telling the press that President Trump’s “wall” is simply becoming “a metaphor for border security.”  Wow - so if I understand this correctly, we’re now asking taxpayers to shell out at least $5 billion for a metaphor?  Gee, if that’s true, couldn’t we find a cheaper metaphor somewhere - maybe even a used one?  I mean, $5 billion is a lot of dough.  I suggest checking on Craig’s List.  Of course, the irony is, if Senator Graham is correct - then we’ve basically shut down our entire government operations - over a “metaphor!”   Now if that’s actually the case, then I think I have an idea.  Instead of waiting for Mexico to announce that they’ve finally seen the light and have dec...

Tucker Carlson Doubles Down on Controversial Immigration Comments:   Tucker Carlson says he “will not be intimidated” and is standing behind his inflammatory comments about immigrants “making our country poorer, dirtier and more divided” -  even as the number of corporations who’ve stopped advertising on his show continues to rise.   You know, I admit that I have to agree with Trucker that there’s definitely something that’s making America “dirtier and more divided,” but it certainly isn't immigrants - it’s all the weasels over at Fox News. So immigrants are dividing us?  Gee, I think it’s a pretty safe bet that most Americans would have much more in common with “those immigrants” - then they would with the half-witted, racist, toothless meth-heads who tune in to absorb the rants of vile white nationalists like Tucker.     Of course, in his defense - I think it’s entirely possible that pudgy, pampered little Tucker is simply just feeling his...

Thoughts on My Day Trip to Tijuana:   Well, just drove back from Mexico and funny thing - all those disease-ridden, angry, rock-throwing, evil people Trump and Fox News warn us about every hour on the hour - were completely non-existent. Gee, is it possible that Trump and Fox News could have been lying through their teeth? The answer, of course, is no - but that's only because most Trump supporters don’t even have enough teeth to lie through. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com