You've Got to Be Kidding?

Mueller Objected to Barr’s Characterization of Russia Findings:  Its being reported that special counsel Robert Mueller wrote a letter in late March to Attorney General William Barr, objecting to Barr’s characterization of the Russia investigation’s conclusions - complaining that Barr misrepresented the “context” of the probe. Gee, if one didn’t know better, they might get the impression that Attorney General Barr thinks his job is to represent Donald Trump - not the people of the United States.  I have an idea, why if Robert Mueller really feels Barr is mischaracterizing his report - how about Wikileaks?  I’m pretty sure they might be willing to distribute the report for him if he asks them nicely. Of course, Barr is supposed to testify before Congress, but I have a feeling that’s not gonna happen.  My guess is he’s gonna call in sick - claiming he has the measles!  I hear it’s been going around.  And if the measles excuse doesn’t work, perhaps he might look into borrowing

Trump Claims Women and Doctors Conspire to Execute Babies:   At a recent rally in Green Bay, Wisconsin, President Trump launched into yet another attack against women’s reproductive rights with an incredibly incendiary and completely bogus claim that routinely, after babies are born, women and their doctors meet privately to decide whether or not to “execute" the child.   Wow, who knew?  Well, thank goodness we have a President who has enough imagination to point something like that out.  That said, I must admit I’m a wee bit surprised that the President also forgot to mention that “shortly after the procedure, they all get together to BBQ them.”  Of course, as I’m sure the President would happily tell you, none of this is very surprising when you consider it’s a well-known fact (in some circles) that most everyone working in OB-GYN believes the highlight of their day is their daily “execution roundtable” - a time when everyone gathers in a dimly-lit room to discuss how

White-Nationalist Violence Likely An Issue in the 2020 Race:  Less than 24 hours after President Trump doubled-down to defend his “there were fine people on both sides” comment about the deadly 2017 white-supremacist rally in Charlottesville, the rising tide of white-nationalism has struck again as angry racist John T. Earnest shot up a Jewish synagogue in Poway, California - killing one person and injuring three others. The situation is getting so out of hand, that Vice President Mike Pence actually felt compelled to take to twitter and attempt to explain to rabid Trump supporters that “anti-semitism isn’t just wrong - it’s evil.”   And while I’ve been quite critical of Mike Pence in the past, I do have to admit it’s a step in the right direction for a member of the Trump Administration to try and explain to their followers that killing innocent Jews in their house of worship probably isn’t the best way to make a political point.   That said, I suspect the general feeli

Universe Younger and Expanding Faster Than Previously Thought:   A new study led by Nobel Prize winning astronomer Adam Riess found that the universe is actually younger and expanding 9% faster than previously thought, leading many to believe that a "new physics" may be necessary to explain the difference. Now, if I’m understanding all this correctly, the Universe was caught speeding, traveling way faster than the laws of physics permit.  And then, a further investigation also determined that it had been lying about its age all this time?  I’m telling you, kids these days !  Now, I’m certainly no physicist, but I blame it all on that damn “Big Bang” thing. And if all that wasn’t bad enough, scientists now say if this finding is correct and we need a “new physics,” it will have profound ramifications on nearly everything.  One of which is - everyone’s high school and college physics credits will suddenly be invalid, and people will forced to retake those classes all

Poll Finds Americans Among the Most Stressed-Out in the World:   A new Gallup poll found that Americans are among the most stressed-out people in the world, reporting stress, anger and worry at the highest levels in more than a decade.  Oddly, data show that among the most stressed-out Americans are the comedians, who say they never know where their next joke’s gonna come from.  Oh wait, yes they do - it’s gonna come directly from the White House - never mind, my mistake! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Hundreds of Thousands of Viruses Found in the Oceans:   According to researchers at Ohio State University, Earth’s oceans contain almost 200,000 different virus populations.  Now normally, I’d say “well, why not just give the ocean a flu shot,” but of course - that’s just a silly idea.  I mean, insurance companies would obviously claim that the viruses are a “pre-existing condition.”    https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Create Decoder to Turn Brain

Drug Smugglers Now Using Submarines to Ship Narcotics:  US authorities say drug cartels are now using submarines instead of high-speed boats to ship narcotics.  In related news, it’s being reported that drug users are now eating more submarine sandwiches than ever before.  Now I’m no law enforcement expert, but this has to be more than coincidence.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com     New Study Finds Humans Can Smell With Their Tongues:  Scientists say the human tongues can actually smell, as researchers report finding the exact same “smell sensors” in people’s noses that are in human tongues.  Maybe so, but good luck trying to recite a “nose twister” or treat a “runny tongue?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Malicious Software Attack Knocks the Weather Channel Off the Air:   The FBI is currently investigating a malicious software attack that knocked the Weather Channel off the air for more than an hour.  Gee, they’re claiming the Weather Channel was do

North Korea Executed Four Officials After Failed US Summit:   A new report is claiming that North Korean leader Kim Jong-un ordered the execution by firing squad of four foreign ministry officials after the failure of his Hanoi summit with Donald Trump.   Good grief, when they fire someone in North Korea, they don’t kid around - do they?  Obviously, the phrase “taking an early retirement” has quite a different connotation in North Korea than it does here.  Sounds like North Korea’s developed a very unique take on the old “draining the swamp” idea.  Now, I’m no foreign policy expert, but it just occurred to me that if we could only hold enough failed summits with these guys, North Korea won’t even have enough people left to be a threat anymore.  Not to mention, Trump could make a little extra cash writing a followup to his  signature book - calling it “The Art of the No Deal.” Anyway, on a positive note, these executions have just created four new job vacancies.  Unfortuna

Scientists Have Good Idea About the Origin of the Loch Ness Monster:   A new study suggests that the idea of a Loch Ness monster is a mass delusion triggered by the discovery of long-necked dinosaurs.  Prior to that, only about 10% of people claiming to see mysterious creatures said they were long-necked, but afterwards, that figure grew to over 50%.  Hell, it doesn’t take some scientist to figure out where the idea of a Loch Ness Monster comes from.  Why it comes from the Scottish Board of Tourism.  So, if you’re one of those people running around shouting “the Pleistocene will rise again,” you may as well just “forget about it!”  To put it bluntly - there is no such thing as a Loch Ness Monster!  It’s all a big hoax, and if you don’t believe me - I got that information directly from Bigfoot.  Besides, as everyone knows, if a monster like this really existed - it would obviously be living somewhere in Florida, not Scotland. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Leader of Armed Militia Group Boasted of Assassination Training:   Court papers show that Larry Mitchell Hopkins, the head of the heavily armed militia group United Constitutional Patriots, who have been detaining migrants in New Mexico, boasted about training volunteers to kill former President Barack Obama, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and billionaire George Soros. So, these guys are “Constitutional Patriots” are they?  Now, I’m no constitutional scholar, but I had no idea that assassinating your political opponents was written into the constitution.  Wonder what constitution they’re referring to?  Perhaps Russia, Syria, or maybe North Korea’s?  I don’t think it’s in ours.     Now, if these “patriots” really wanna find undocumented migrants, I’d suggest they ought to first check out Mar-a-Lago or Trump’s Bedminster Golf Club - chances are they’d find a helluva lot more of illegal aliens there than they’ll ever see down at the Mexican border. https://www.j

Abigail Disney Calls Bob Iger’s $65 Million Compensation Insane:   In public comments, Disney co-founder Roy Disney’s filmmaker, activist and philanthropist granddaughter Abigail Disney has been describing Disney Chairman-CEO Bob Iger’s $65 million compensation package as completely “insane.” Now I’m not certain the term “insane” is the correct word to use.  After all, just because Disney's pay is so low that nearly 11% of their employees are classified as homeless, three-quarters say they don't earn enough to cover their basic expenses and another 56% report concerns about getting evicted from their apartments - doesn’t make Bob Iger’s $65 million compensation package “insane.”  I was thinking “criminal” might be a much better term to use. And while Disneyland is known to all as the “Magic Kingdom,” I believe their true “magic” has to be their ability to pay so many employees sub-poverty wages, while somehow managing to convince the general public to pay upwards of

Republican Lawmaker Implies Nurses Mostly Play Cards at Work:   During a debate on a bill in Washington state that would require uninterrupted meal and rest breaks for certain healthcare workers, Republican State Sen. Maureen Walsh argued that giving nurses breaks would make it difficult for hospitals to stay open, pointing out that nurses really don’t need breaks anyway, because “they probably just play cards for a considerable amount of the day.” Wow, seems Republicans must be taking themselves “a little break” from attacking teachers and public service employees, and have now moved on to attacking nurses.  Well, I guess we all need to take a break - that is, except nurses, who are way too busy playing cards.  That said, I wonder when the last time Sen. Walsh’s daily workload became so overwhelming that she was forced to forgo using to the restroom her entire time at work?  On the other hand, she does kind of remind me of someone who may be a wee bit “backed up.”  Perhaps

Scientists Revive the Brain Cells In Dead Pigs:   In a study that raises profound questions about the fine line between life and death, researchers have restored cellular activity to brains removed from slaughtered pigs. So, my question is, if we can revive someone’s brain after they’re dead, will the insurance companies pay for it?  I’m certainly no health insurance authority, but death seems like a pretty obvious “pre-existing condition.”  Not to mention that, in the case of Donald Trump and his supporters - giving them a pig brain would have to be considered one helluva upgrade.  Good luck with that! And how would this work anyway?  Are you telling me that someone could die and then scientists would bring them back to life by replacing their brain with the brain of a dead pig?  I mean, where the hell is Mary Shelley and Mel Brooks when you need them?  On the other hand, all this sounds like simply fantastic news for the Walt Disney Company.   But geez, just when you t

Mueller Report Concludes Donald Trump Jr. Too Ignorant to Prosecute:   Donald Trump Jr. has taken to social media to brag about how he emerged from the Mueller investigation uncharged, even though it appears from the report that Mueller’s team essentially declined to prosecute him after concluding he was simply too ignorant to have knowingly committed the crime. Wow - so I'm guessing that means Tiffany is the smartest Trump after all?  On the other hand, let’s give Don Jr. a little credit.  I mean, you have to be pretty darn smart to convince Robert Mueller you’re stupid.  Sounds a lot like a classic genius move to me.  You know Don Jr. comes from a family of stable geniuses - don’t you? Of course, in all fairness, I think it’s safe to say that most hard-core Trump supporters in places like Tennessee, Alabama and West Virginia would likely be the first to admit that if Don Jr. had really been all that smart, he would have married Ivanka. Anyway, if I’m understanding

High School Teacher Caught Masturbating on Hallway Floor:  A 72-year-old substitute high school teacher has been arrested after a coworker reportedly caught him lying on the hallway floor and appearing to be masturbating while watching the students outside.  His attorney claims its all just a big misunderstanding and that he’s always had a very “hands-on” approach to teaching. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Baby With DNA From Three People Born in Greece:  A baby has been born in Greece which has DNA from three people, using a controversial experimental IVF that uses an extra egg from a female donor.  Some physicians are calling the procedure risky, pointing out that the child may very well grow up rejecting traditional sexual relations in favor of a ménage à trois.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    Some Scientists Feel Humans Can Detect Earth’s Magnetic Field:   Contrary to popular belief, scientists at the California Institute of Technology believe th

Michele Bachmann Says We’ll Never See a More Godly Biblical President:   Former Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Minn.) said in a recent interview with a conservative Christian radio program that she has “never seen a more Godly, biblical president” than Donald Trump. But gee, I wonder exactly what it could be that makes President Trump so “Godly?”  Could it be his cheating on three wives, paying off porn stars, bragging about grabbing women by the vagina, promoting completely baseless conspiracy theories about rivals, not paying his vendors, telling well over 5500 verified lies since taking office two years ago, his admiration for ruthless dictators, his attempts at to destabilizing NATO, holding immigrant children in cages, defrauding students at his bogus university, being accused by 23 women of sexual assault, or, how about running a charitable foundation that he used as his personal piggy bank? My word, that’s one hell of a lot of “godly things” President Trump has been doing

Trump Once Again Advising Firefighters How to Do Their Jobs:   After claiming those deadly wildfires in northern California last year could have been prevented if California had simply “raked their forests,” the recent devastating fire at Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral once again afforded President Trump the opportunity to demonstrate his firefighting expertise when he suggested that fire officials should have used “flying water tankers” to put out the fire.    Oh sure, sending huge Boeing 747 Supertankers right into the heart of Paris at low altitude sounds like an absolutely terrific idea - that is, if you’re filming a disaster movie.  Hell, I’m surprised President Trump didn’t blame the original Cathedral planners for not incorporating fire any sprinklers into Notre Dame’s design when they began the project back 1160 AD.   Now let’s get real here, how in the hell could those guys be expected to know about water sprinklers?  After all, these people were only structural en

Trump Reelection Campaign Raised $30M in First Quarter:  It’s being reported from several sources that President Trump's reelection campaign has raised more than $30 million in the first quarter of 2019, edging out his top two Democratic rivals combined. Wow, the Trump team’s already raised 30 million rubles?  That quite impressive.  And while that was just a joke, what’s not a joke is that the $30 million figure just happens to be the exact amount Russian spy Maria Butina gave to the NRA to funnel into the Trump campaign during the 2016 election. That said, even if $30 million sounds like quite a lot of dough, let’s not forget that a good chunk of that stash will need to be diverted over to cover those $15,000-a-month hush payments used to silence former Trump staffers who were axed in earlier purges.  Even so, I’m guessing Trump will still have more than enough cash left over to commission one or two new oil portraits of himself. Besides, Trump may not even need a

Ohio Woman Finds Millard Fillmore Image in Her Grilled Cheese:  Mildred G. Higgenbottom, of Canal Fulton, Ohio was all set to dig into her traditional Saturday lunch of grilled cheese and tomato soup when she noticed what can only be described as none other than the image of former President Millard Fillmore - toasted right into the bread of her grilled cheese sandwich. Well, as one can imagine, Ms Higgenbottom felt immediately felt torn between the need to show President Fillmore his due respect and her extreme hunger for grilled cheese.  Sure, part of her knew she should immediately take the necessary steps to preserve the sandwich for all posterity.  I mean, how often does a Millard Fillmore show up in a grilled cheese sandwich?  I don’t care what kind of bread you're using.   On the other hand, she was feeling incredibly hungry and, let’s face it folks - Fillmore did croak one helluva long time ago.  If she gobbled that sandwich right down, who the hell’s gonna know

Trump Reportedly Floated Pardon for Border Official:   It’s being reported that President Trump told Customs and Border Protection Commissioner Kevin McAleenan that if he broke federal immigration law by denying migrants entry into the United States, he would pardon him - if he ever were to be jailed over the issue. So, it seems we have a President of the United States, dangling pardons in order to encourage government officials to commitment federal crimes?  Good, grief, if this had been anyone other than Donald Trump, that certainly would have been grounds for impeachment.   Kind of makes you wonder, where do all those strict constitutionalist, patriotic, law and order Republicans stand on all this?  Well, it turns out that Republicans actually aren’t all that concerned about the rule of law after all.  You see, what they really wanted, was an arsonist - and Donald Trump just happens to be the man with all the matches. Now, Republicans are gonna argue that this reall

Salesforce Buys Co-CEO Block a $212K Car and an $87K Watch:   Its being reported that San Francisco-based Salesforce has just gifted their co-CEO Keith Block a $211,703 car and an $86,423 watch "in recognition of Mr. Block's leadership achievements.” My word, those must have been some really incredible achievements!  Of course, now all the skeptics are gonna climb out of the woodwork and claim that actions like this only further prove how “the system is rigged.”  I’m looking at you Bernie and AOC fans!   Come on, just because the board of directors wants to reward one of their bosses with a few nice gifts, doesn’t make it wrong - does it?  And so what if those gifts happen to be so insanely expensive they would even make an Ayn Rand blush?  Lighten up, it’s only money - corporate money!      That said, I do happen to have a few lingering questions though.  Like, why did they get him a $212K car?  I mean, the guy lives and works in downtown San Francisco.  Ha

Astronomers Reveal First Photo of an Actual Black Hole:   Scientists say they have now have a photograph of something that was always believed to be “unseeable,” a supermassive black hole in the center of Messier 87 - a huge galaxy located about 55 million light-years from the Earth. Of course, there’s always gonna be skeptics.  People who refuse to believe this photograph is really what astronomers say it is.  Some, will insist this picture isn’t from outer space at all and was actually stolen off the Pornhub website.  Others, will say this looks more like a photograph of President Trump - bending over in the shower after consuming way too many baked beans at a 4th of July campaign BBQ in rural Oklahoma.  And of course they’ll always be those who claim this is nothing more than a blurry photograph of a glazed donut. But, putting all that nonsense aside, my primary concern is related to those always sensitive privacy issues.  Did any of these nosey astronomers ever consider

Florida Man Shoplifts From Kmart Days After Buying Private Island:   A Florida man was arrested for stealing nearly $300 worth of household goods - including a $150  Keurig coffee machine - from Kmart, all this just days after he purchased an $8 million private island off Key West.   Now come on, stealing from a Kmart?  Why, that’s just one step up from robbing a convenience store.  Let’s face it, this heist isn’t exactly on the caliber of “The Thomas Crown Affair.”  I mean, you just can’t go around stealing $300 from a Kmart store - that’s their yearly profit margin!   Now, in his defense, maybe the poor guy had to make a hard choice - the island or the coffee maker?  I’ll be the first admit, I’d have to think that one over a bit myself.  But all of that aside, I think the real headline here should have been "Man Discovers A Kmart That’s Still Open.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Axes Secret Service Director in Latest Purge of DHS Leadership:   After just axing Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, President Trump continued to dismantle the leadership of the nation’s top domestic security agency by firing U.S. Secret Service Director Randolph D. “Tex” Alles - with others rumored to be on the way out soon.  Good grief!  Makes you wonder who the hell is gonna be next?  Maybe Melania will be replaced by Hope Hicks?  I heard that in the midst of all this, son Barron has been threatening to run away and join the circus.  Of course, we’re talking about a real circus - not the one his old man is running out of the White House. I mean, the turnover in the Trump Administration these past two years has been simply astounding.  People are leaving faster than Roseanne Barr can spew out racial slurs after a heavy dose of Ambien.  That said, I do have to admit Trump’s end-game solution to the immigration issue is simply brilliant.  Simply turn Americ