You've Got to Be Kidding?

New Study Links Alzheimer’s to Gum Disease:  Researchers say they have found evidence linking bacteria in gum disease to Alzheimer's disease - after researches examined brain tissue from patients with Alzheimer's and found toxic enzymes from gum disease bacteria in more than 90 percent of the samples.  Well, that sounds easy enough to rectify.  If Alzheimer’s is caused by gum disease, just don’t chew gum.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Impact With Mysterious Planet May Have Brought Life to Earth:  Scientists believe that 4.4 billion of years ago, a mysterious embryonic world with a sulfurous core smashed into Earth which created not only the moon, but also the possibility of life here on Earth.  Scientists say that on the other hand, had this mysterious planet slammed into Uranus, it probably wouldn’t have brought forth life - but more likely caused a catastrophic, interplanetary bowel movement. https://www.johnnyrobish...

Study Finds Concussions May Cause Alzheimer’s:   In what may be more bad news for the NFL, a study published in the journal Neurology found that people who have suffered concussions are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease as they get older.  You mean to tell me that endlessly slamming your head into hard objects at high speeds year after year after year after year could have a downside?  Why I’m so shocked, you could have knocked me over with a feather - or maybe even a 240-pound linebacker. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Single Men Not As Bad-Off as Once Thought:  A new study about men seems to contradict previous studies assessing men who remain single for all their lives, finding that while marriage usually means men will make more money and reduces the likelihood they will commit crimes, single men seem to have more friends and have deeper connections to them, demonstrate more emotional self-sufficiency and have a heightened se...

Hawking Predicted Wealthy Will Create Superhuman Race:   In a collection of articles and essays, the late physicist Stephen Hawking is still creating controversy by suggesting a new race of superhumans that could destroy the rest of humanity may develop through wealthy people having their and their children’s DNA edited.  Sounds like a dire prediction.  On the other hand, if it helps eliminate all the idiot drivers on the road, I’m all for it.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Kidman Claims Tom Cruise Marriage Kept Her From Being Sexually Harassed:   In a recent interview, Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman claimed that she felt that being married to an extremely powerful man like Tom Cruise protected her from being sexually harassed.  Hell, if that theory is correct, then it sounds like probably about the safest thing an actress could do back in those days - would have been to marry Bill Cosby or Harvey Weinstein. https://www.johnny...

Motherhood Increases Gray Matter in Women’s Brains:  New research shows that the female brain changes after motherhood, with women’s brains showing a significant increase in gray matter after giving birth and raising a child.  I don’t know about more gray matter, but my mom said it sure meant a helluva lot more gray hair. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Schwarzenegger is Returning to the World of Bodybuilding:  Arnold Schwarzenegger is returning to the world of bodybuilding as an executive editor for both  Muscle Fitness and Flex magazines, to which he will contribute monthly columns and dish out all the personal and professional insight.  Observers say about the only thing missing in Arnold’s return to bodybuilding is his body. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Sommelier Cheating Scandal Rocks Wine World:  A cheating scandal at last month’s master sommelier examination is sending shock waves through some communities, as the C...

Scientists Say Love at First Sight Doesn’t Really Exist:   Scientists in the Netherlands have found that what many believe to be love at first sight - is really nothing more than intense physical attraction.  Researchers say people who believe in “love at first sight” are people who’ve have lost sight of the fact that it doesn’t really exist. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Activist Bill Ackman's Hedge Fund Invests $900 million in Starbucks:   Activist investor Bill Ackman is making a big bet on coffee, announcing that his hedge fund just invested nearly $900 million in Starbucks.  What’s the big deal about that?  Hell, I spent almost that much on coffee there last month. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Catastrophic Mental Health Changes Linked to Climate Change:   A new study is warning of “catastrophic” dips in mental health for some if climate change causes the global temperature to increase by 2 degrees Celsius above pre-...

New Data Showing Older Folks are the Happiest:  New research shows that the older you get, the more self-assured and content you are, with people in their 60’s more likely to be happier and self-confident than most of those in their younger decades.  In response, psychologists are now recommending younger people who may be feeling somewhat ill at ease - look into getting as old as they possibly can as quickly as possible. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Taylor Swift Breaks Political Silence to Endorse Democrats:   Saying that in the past she has been reluctant to publicly voice her political opinions, she now feels it necessary due to several events in her life and in the world in the past two years.  And while Democrats are jumping for joy, Republicans claim this proves Taylor’s not all that swift. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com White House Gift Shop Selling Brett Kavanaugh Commemorative Coins:   Even before the Senate had voted...

Florida Man Attempts To Buy 8-Year-Old For $200,000 At Walmart:   An 81-year-old Florida man is facing charges after he approached a mother and her 8-year-old daughter who were shopping at Walmart and attempted to negotiate buying the girl for $100,000 - finally incrementally upping the price to as much as $200,000 before finally walking away when she wouldn’t accept his offer.  Gee, when I read this story, my first thought was “what the hell, has Roy Moore moved to Florida?”  Now its been a long time since I’ve set foot in a Walmart store -  I didn't realize they sold 8-year-olds there.  I don’t wanna sound insensitive, but $200,000 seems a bit expensive for Walmart.  These Trump tariffs are apparently really having an effect.    But seriously, this guy has to realize that just because you see kids in a shopping cart, doesn't mean they're for sale.  All I can say is, thank goodness no one made an offer like that to my family when...

President Trump Says He and Kim Jong-Un Fell in Love:   President Donald Trump told a rally of his followers in Wheeling, West Virginia that he and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un “fell in love” over the course of their on-again off-again detente, adding that Kim wrote him the most “beautiful letters.”   Ahhh, now ain’t dictator love sweet?  Gee, wonder if it was love at first sight - first sight of those sexy ICBM’s.  Why Mr Trump, what big missile silos you have!  Of course, Kim is 27 and Donald is 72 - and that could cause a conflict - not to mention the hard feelings once Comrade Putin discovers he’s been dumped for a younger dictator.   My question is, could this mean we can expect to see the Rainbow Flag proudly flying over the oval office in the near future?  I’m not too sure Mr Trump’s alt-right minions of homophobic followers will be all too happy about that.  Anyway, this whole love affair is kind of like an all dictato...

Kavanaugh Hearing Making Some Take Defensive Measures:   In light of the recent testimony in the Kavanaugh hearings, I thought it might be prudent to make a preemptive strike and post a picture of me along with a reputable female who has agreed to vouch for the uncommonly high moral standards I maintained while in high school back in Canton, Ohio. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Study Claims Vegan Diet Best Way to Save Planet:  According to a major new study, adopting a vegan diet (a diet free from animal products such as meat, eggs and all dairy products) is the best way to protect the planet.  Of course, the down side is that if aliens ever visit our planet and ask us if we “got milk?” - we’d have to tell them “no, but we’d be more than happy to offer you a glass of unsweetened, almond milk at just 30 calories per cup.”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Marijuana Use Stable While Support For Legalization Grow...

Pimples Are Now In and Becoming the Latest Craze:  Celebrities and bloggers are going bare-faced on social media as more of the trendy folks are joining the acne positivity movement and Teen Vogue has even launched the inaugural Acne awards.  Its about time!  I knew all this acne stuff would eventually come to a head.  If someone doesn’t like your pimples, just put the squeeze on them!  But whatever you do, don’t let them get under your skin!  Now, if we can somehow just get a toenail fungus positivity movement going - I believe we’ll pretty much have it all covered. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Genetic Skin Graft Helps Mice Kick Cocaine Habit:   A new treatment using CRISPR and a genetically engineered skin graft, is helping reduce cocaine cravings in mice, giving researchers hope we are on the verge of finding a cure for addiction.  While there’s no question we need to treat cocaine addiction in mice - no one wants to see mice...

Former Pistons Center Tells Wife on TV He Slept with 341 Women:   Former Detroit Pistons center Jason Maxiell revealed to a national television audience on the Oprah Winfrey Network that he has slept with 341 women before and during his marriage to high school sweetheart Brandi Maxiell. Gee, only 341?  That’s showing amazing self control for a professional athlete here in the US.  Actually, I’m just kidding - obviously any decent husband would have stopped cheating after the number approached 250.  I suppose his wife will want to divorce him now, but to be fair - doesn’t everyone deserve a 342nd chance?  On the other hand, if you put all the women’s names Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have bedded on a wall, it would look a hell of a lot like the Vietnam War Memorial.  My question is, when the hell did that guy ever find time to play basketball? Anyway, the way I look at it is - while you may not think much of him as a husband, you have to be...

Colombians Told to Avoid Sex as Intense Heatwave Continues:   Health officials in the Columbian coastal city of Santa Marta are warning residents to avoid having sex during peak hottest hours of the day while the area’s intense heatwave continues.  Damn, that’d be just my luck - finally about to get lucky and they cancel all sex because of global warming. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Astronomers Find Ice on the Moon’s Surface:  Astronomers say they’ve found patches of ice scattered around the moon’s north and south poles which could one day provide a source of water for human visitors.  Not to be outdone down here on Earth, an alcoholic in North Hollywood was caught “mooning” people who were buying ice at 7-Eleven. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say Earth Will Be Habitable for 1.75 Billion Years:   The LA Times is reporting that scientists have run the numbers and found that the the Earth will likely be habitable f...

Tennessee Police Find Loaded Gun In Teen’s Vagina: Local Police in Tennessee were shocked to find that a 19-year-old girl, arrested for driving with a suspended license, had a loaded, five-shot, four-inch .22 caliber mini-revolver concealed in her vagina.  Now I’m certainly no expert, but I’m guessing this has to be a pretty damn effective means of birth control.  This is kind of like that very special place - where gun control and birth control converge. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Florida Woman Arrested in Topless Rampage at McDonald’s:   A bare-breasted woman wearing only bikini bottoms entered a Florida McDonald's and when an employee asked her to put on some clothes, she refused and began overturning the restaurant equipment.  Witnesses to the incident say it was pretty obvious the woman had something she wanted to get off her chest. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com More State Legislatures Passing Upskirt Bills:  In ligh...

Crime Suspect Wins Police-Sponsored Doughnut-Eating Contest: Officers say a man who won an anti-crime, police-sponsored doughnut-eating contest in North Carolina was arrested the following day after police realized he had been wanted in two suspected break-ins.  Police say when the suspect was arrested, he had quite a lot of dough on him and his eyes were totally glazed-over - not to mention that there was a pretty big hole in his alibi.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Vogue Promises to Phase Out Skinny Models:  Vogue magazine, perhaps the world's top arbiter of style, has vowed to no longer use models who are too young or too thin.  Smart move from a marketing standpoint - because nothing sells clothes quite like fat, old people.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Gene For Forgetting Bad Memories Identified:  Scientists say they have identified a gene that plays a critical role in memory extinction, the process by which old ...

Opiate Abuse Causes Spike in US Hard Drug Usage:  A new government survey found that “hard drug” use among Americans is increasing dramatically, which experts attribute to an increase in opioid abuse.  I guess it all comes done to how you define “hard drugs.”  Now for law enforcement - I suppose it means drugs like heroin or cocaine.  On the other hand, for people like Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels, “hard drugs” means Viagra and Cialis.   http://www.johnnyrobish.com AARP Quietly Launches Internet Radio Service:  AARP has quietly introduced a free Internet radio service geared toward listeners who 50 and older.  Hell, AARP launching the station “quietly” is a smart move.  That way, you’re not gonna wake up all those seniors in the middle their damn naps. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Heavy Stubble Makes Men Attractive To Women:  A new study conducted by researchers in Australia found that women prefer men with heavy s...

Tucker Carlson Says Normal People Can’t Live in California:  Fox News host Tucker Carlson told viewers that normal people can’t live in California - and then described the state as a third world style dystopia dominated by illegal aliens and “tech oligarchs” with no common language, an no common culture, a collapsing infrastructure, an out of control debt, schools which are unusable and filthy public spaces.  Gee, my question for Tucker and the Fox News viewers is, why would you even care about where “normal people” live?  That's not your demographic.  Sounds a little like Tucker needs a safe space.  Perhaps Tucker should consider moving to the deep south, where much of the population lives in abject poverty, but they have really beautiful, plush college football facilities. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Finds Porn Can Shut Down Part of Your Brain:  New research found that looking at erotic movies can actually shut down the part of the brai...

Lost Amazon Villages Uncovered by Archaeologists:   Once people assumed the Amazon was a near-uninhabited rainforest, but researchers say they have found new evidence of 81 sites in previously uncharted territory, that prove it was in fact a hive of human activity and home to millions of people.  Researchers are quick to point out that while most of these Amazon villages appear to have once been thriving, most lacked the convenience of next-day Prime delivery our modern-day Amazon offers.  After all, you can’t really expect next-day delivery if you’re living in a “lost village.” http://www.johnnyrobish.com After Stormy - Many Wonder How Much Porn Stars Make:  With Donald Trump’s alleged payoff of porn star Stormy Daniels all over the news, many are left wondering just how much does a porn star really make?  Well, if my math is correct - she swatted Trump’s fat ass with a magazine a couple of times and then deposited a check for $130K into her bank a...