You've Got to Be Kidding?

Airlines Denying Plans to Force Flyers to Weigh-In Before Boarding:  After the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) put out an advisory circular two years ago that set the date of June 12, 2021, for airlines to have “weight and balance programs accurately reflect current passenger weights,” a New York Post story suggested that “airlines could soon start weighing passengers before allowing them to board an aircraft.” Geez, if that isn’t enough to promote train travel, I don’t know what will?  I mean, what the hell?  Did they think airport check-ins were going too fast, so they decided to add a little more “weight time” to the experience?  As far as I can tell, the only positive thing about any of this is - at least they’re not forcing anyone they deem “too large” to ride in the baggage compartment!  All I can say is, if airlines do decide to go through with these forced weigh-ins, one can only hope they show a little compassion and weigh us in using “kilogram...

Fired Boeing CEO Gets $62 Payout as Company Lays Off 2,800:   In a bit of irony, just hours after it was announced that fired Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenburg, who lost his job over Boeing's disastrous handling of two fatal crashes of their 737 Max in which 346 people died, will leave the company with a huge $62 million golden parachute - the company also announced it will be laying off 2800 workers. Wow, I can’t help but wonder just how much cash Muilenburg might have walked away with had he actually done a good job?  Anyway, it isn’t like all those laid-off Boeing workers will just be forgotten.  Hell, as soon as they apply for their unemployment benefits, congressional Republicans will soon be making the rounds, referring to them as a bunch of moochers and lazy loafers. But good grief, knowingly allowing a defective product to go to market which ends up killing nearly 400 people, and then walking away with a sweet $62 million “golden parachute?”  Now, I’m n...

Woman Falls Asleep in Flight Waking Up in Dark Locked and Empty Plane:   A woman claims she fell asleep during a 90-minute Air Canada flight from Quebec to Toronto, only to wake up late at night in a completely empty, dark and locked plane, which had been cleared and parked for the night in Toronto.  Not to sound unsympathetic, but I have to admit my first thoughts regarding this were “so what’s the big deal?”  I mean, poor Gilligan and his friends were only supposed to be on a 3-hour tour, and look what the hell happened to them!   Now, what I find so amazing is - is that someone could actually fall asleep in one of those crammed, coach seats and find it so damned comfortable, that they could not only sleep undisturbed through the entire flight, but also several more hours afterwards.  Geez, I’m definitely gonna have to fly Air Canada from now on.   Personally, if it were me - I would have immediately raided the plane’s stash of tiny liquor ...

Scientists Have Good Idea About the Origin of the Loch Ness Monster:   A new study suggests that the idea of a Loch Ness monster is a mass delusion triggered by the discovery of long-necked dinosaurs.  Prior to that, only about 10% of people claiming to see mysterious creatures said they were long-necked, but afterwards, that figure grew to over 50%.  Hell, it doesn’t take some scientist to figure out where the idea of a Loch Ness Monster comes from.  Why it comes from the Scottish Board of Tourism.  So, if you’re one of those people running around shouting “the Pleistocene will rise again,” you may as well just “forget about it!”  To put it bluntly - there is no such thing as a Loch Ness Monster!  It’s all a big hoax, and if you don’t believe me - I got that information directly from Bigfoot.  Besides, as everyone knows, if a monster like this really existed - it would obviously be living somewhere in Florida, not Scotland. https:...

Trump Takes Aim at McCain and Biden at Pre-SOTU Luncheon:  During a pre-SOTU luncheon with network anchors, President Trump took some cheap shots at the late John McCain, saying his book bombed and then Joe Biden - saying he hoped Biden will be his opponent in 2020 because Biden isn’t very smart.  Now, I have no idea how well John McCain’s last book sold, but isn’t being called “dumb” by Donald Trump - a little like being call “fat” by Chris Christie? New Study Finds Sunday Most Popular Day to Watch Porn:  According to a new study released by the world’s most popular porn site Pornhub found that the fewest amount of people watch porn on Friday, while Sunday turns out to be the most popular day to watch porn.  No surprise there.  Hell, everyone else is in church, you got the house to yourself - go for it! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Claim Yellowstone Volcano May Help End World Hunger:   Scientists from the Chicago-base...

Passenger’s Ears Bleed After Plane Loses Cabin Pressure:   A Southwest flight from Hartford to Tampa was forced to turn after several passengers complained of pain and discomfort, with at least one passenger bleeding from the ears.  Wow, that passenger has my sympathy - bleeding from the ears is really painful.  Why I don’t think I’ve bleed from the ears since they announced the 2016 election results. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Study Says Humans Produce Massive Amounts of Saliva:  Scientists say that in an average lifetime, humans produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools.  Hell, what’s the big deal?  Kim and Kanye can swap that much in a single evening. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Cat Alerts Mother as Python Nears Infant Daughter:   An Australian woman woke up to find her cat hissing in the early morning and found a python wrapping itself around the arm of her 2-year-old daughter.  On the ot...

Elon Musk and SpaceX Reveal First Private Moon Tourist:   SpaceX has just announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the world’s first private passenger to fly around the Moon, paying an estimated $35 million to travel aboard a BFR launch vehicle in 2023 - which SpaceX feels will mark an important step toward enabling access for “everyday people” who dream of traveling into space.  Gee, I don’t wanna sound cynical, but I think the economy may have to pick up quite a bit before very many “everyday people” will be able slam together the $35 million to make that flight.  Hell, I’d be happy just to be able to afford gas to drive down to San Diego once in a while. On a positive note, at least these tourist flights won’t disturb anyone living on the moon, because - as far as I know, there’s only one permanent resident up there - and that’s of course the “Man on the Moon.”  No telling how he feels about all this.   And while I’m no rocke...

Man Arrested for Taunting Yellowstone Bison In Viral Video:   Park rangers say the man whom authorities believe is seen in a viral taunting a bison in Yellowstone National Park has finally been arrested.  All I can say is, this guy really took a huge risk here - why its plan crazy to assume that just because its a wild animal, its not gonna press charges. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Research Finds Simply Walking Improves Your Creativity:  According to new research, people tend to generate more creative ideas when they walk as opposed to when they sit.  So - I guess that pretty much explains why women are always telling me to take a hike!  Its their way of helping we guys achieve peak creativity. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Airline Pilot Busted for Cocaine Smuggling After Baggie Bursts:  A commercial pilot is receiving treatment at Memorial Hermann Northeast Hospital in Houston after one of the more than 60 bags of Col...

Astronomers Confirm Key Einstein Theory of General Relativity:   A consortium of astronomers said they had for the first time confirmed a prediction of Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity by observing the gravitational effects of a supermassive black hole on a star zipping by it.  Now that’s just one of Einstein’s many brilliant observations.  If you ask me, his most profound observation was when he demonstrated beyond any doubt how time always flies by faster - on the weekends. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Elon Musk Shares Stunning Boring Company Tunnel Image:   Following a Hyperloop Event, Elon Musk shared an impressive picture of a 2.7 mile tunnel his The Boring Company is digging as the test bed for some of the company’s larger projects.  Good grief, who wants to look at a photograph of a damn tunnel?  BORING!  I mean, why would he assume anyone would find some hole in the ground even remotely interesting?  Can yo...

Jeff Bezos Plans Charging $200,000 to 300,000 for Space Rides:   According to people familiar with his plans, Jeff Bezos’ rocket company Blue Origin plans to charge passengers $200,000 to $300,000 for its first trips into outer space next year.   Good grief, that’s a pretty good chunk of change.  Why isn’t this included in my Amazon Prime membership?  After all, they just raised the fees by twenty bucks a year - they can afford it.  And with Trump and Bezos fighting like crazy, it’d be my luck we’d just get up there, only to get shot down by one of Trump’s Space Force patrols.    But all that aside, I suppose if someone actually has enough spare cash to spend on a trip like that, you may as well just go for the full $300K package.  I mean, what’s the point of going all the way into outer space, if you don’t even have a damn window seat? After all, this isn’t exactly the kind of flight where you just wanna kick back and watch in-fli...

Putin Claims Missiles Which Can Overcome NATO Defense Systems:  Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that Russia is developing a series of nuclear weapon systems, including a new supersonic cruise missile which is capable of overcoming NATO defense systems.  Perhaps, but what they don’t tell you is Putin’s nuclear button isn’t nearly as big or half as shiny as Trump’s. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Shark Bites Surfer in Half in Australia Waters:  A surfer has been bitten in half in a savage shark attack off Australia's west coast, the fifth such fatality in the region in less than a year.  When asked how likely they’d be to go back in the water after these attacks, local surfers said they’d be only half as likely.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Finds Pretty People Are More Selfish:  A new study determined that people born with symmetrical facial features - long considered a major component of physical attractiveness - were ...

Man's Flatulence Forces Plane to Make Emergency Landing:   A Transavia flight from Dubai to Amsterdam was forced to make an emergency landing in Vienna after two Dutch passengers picked a fight with another passenger - who wouldn’t stop breaking wind during the flight.  Wow - sounds like terrorism has really hit a new low with this.  But come on, why didn’t those Dutch guys just open a few windows rather than make a big stink about it?  Kind of makes you long for the good old days when they just had “snakes on a plane.”  Folks, here’s a free travel tip - never eat beans, hot dogs, burritos, hard-boiled eggs or broccoli before boarding a plane!  Of course, Transavia immediately issued a statement saying that they stand “firmly behind” the cabin crew and pilot’s decision to remove the Dutch passengers who started the fight.  OK, that’s easy enough, but the real test is - will any of them dare to stand “firmly behind” that farting passenger?...