You've Got to Be Kidding?

23andMe Lays Off 100 People as DNA Test Sales Decline:   Home DNA-testing company 23andMe will be laying off about 100 people, or 14% of its staff, in the wake of declining sales - a decline CEO Anne Wojcicki admitted took her by surprise. Gee, too bad it never occurred to her that this isn’t exactly the kind of business that has repeat customers.  I mean, just how many times does someone actually need to have their DNA tested - even though spitting into a test tube can be a helluva lot of fun.   After all, it’s not like your DNA or your ancestry’s gonna change over time - that is, unless you’re Michael Jackson.  Now, if it were running 23andMe, I’d drop all the damn DNA testing - and start looking at the fossil records.  I mean, anthropologists need jobs too. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Half-Ton Birds Were Roaming Europe When Humans Arrived:   Scientists report that giant, flightless birds, so large that they actually dwarfed modern ostriches and weighed-in at nearly half a ton, were roaming Europe at the same time the first archaic humans arrived in the area from Africa.   Look, I’m obviously no paleontologist, but if I’m understanding this article correctly - they’re basically explaining to us that just as we once had some banks that became “too big to fail,” Europe had itself a bunch of half-ton birds who became “too fat to fly?” OK, so the birds were a little on the chunky size.  We get that.  Not to sound critical of our scientific community, but just what the hell is point of “fat-shaming” a bunch of extinct, half ton, flightless birds at this stage of the game?  Especially, when they’re no longer here to defend themselves.  Besides, maybe they were just “big-boned?”  You big-shot paleontologists ever think about t...

Scientists Say Plants Can Actually Talk:   Botanists say plants can really talk and have the recordings to prove it.  In fact, visitors to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden can actually listen to recordings of the songs corn plants sing.  Yea, well then, anyone who comes over to my place, better make up their minds pretty damn fast - who the hell are you gonna believe, me or some ly’n philodendron?  Frankly, I’m getting sick and tired of houseplants making up wicked lies and spreading them all over the living room.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Scientists Explain How They Are Able to Date Fossils:   While ancient fossils don’t come with a day/date stamp on them, geologists say they are buried along with plenty of clues which allow scientists to reconstruct their age and history - a process which explains how scientists are able to “date” the fossils.  Wow, now that’s all news to me.  I assumed they dated the fossils by just ha...

Scientists Have Good Idea About the Origin of the Loch Ness Monster:   A new study suggests that the idea of a Loch Ness monster is a mass delusion triggered by the discovery of long-necked dinosaurs.  Prior to that, only about 10% of people claiming to see mysterious creatures said they were long-necked, but afterwards, that figure grew to over 50%.  Hell, it doesn’t take some scientist to figure out where the idea of a Loch Ness Monster comes from.  Why it comes from the Scottish Board of Tourism.  So, if you’re one of those people running around shouting “the Pleistocene will rise again,” you may as well just “forget about it!”  To put it bluntly - there is no such thing as a Loch Ness Monster!  It’s all a big hoax, and if you don’t believe me - I got that information directly from Bigfoot.  Besides, as everyone knows, if a monster like this really existed - it would obviously be living somewhere in Florida, not Scotland. https:...

Trump Visits Pittsburgh to Console Jewish Mourners:  Amid thousands of protestors, President Donald Trump visited the Pittsburgh synagogue to offer condolences to Jewish worshipers who were mourning the 11 people shot to death during Sabbath prayers.  Why, what a sweet gesture for the Trumps to go and offer condolences to mourners at a synagogue that was all shot up by one of his rabid followers who committed the crime after becoming all fired up by the President’s inflammatory, conspiracy theory-laden speeches.  And look, it kind of appears that Melania may have even brought pizza for everyone to snack on.  It doesn’t get sweeter than that! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com     Trump to Sign Executive Order to End Birthright Citizenship:  Declaring that “birthright citizenship has to end,” President Trump promised loyal followers he will sign an executive order to end the centuries-long, 14th amendment-protected practice.  Gee, appa...

Study Explores Whether Eating Alone is Bad for You:  While many people enjoy eating alone, recent headlines have linked it to everything from depression to heart disease, but a recent study by Oxford Economics suggested that eating alone has a stronger link to being unhappy than any other factor.  Now whenever I don’t feel like eating alone, one of my favorite things to do is grab my food and eat it in the park.  There always seems to be plenty of eager flies around who are more than willing to keep you company. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com TN School Board Candidate Blames Teaching Evolution for School Shootings:   Republican Tennessee School Board Candidate Mike Cochran thinks he has a pretty good idea what is to blame for the school shootings that have been plaguing our nation - the teaching of evolution in our schools.  He makes a good point, obviously no violent acts were ever committed until Charles Darwin published the Origin of the Speci...

Supervolcano Found Brewing Under Three New England States:   Geologists say they were surprised to find that a new supervolcano is brewing under Massachusetts, Vermont and New Hampshire and that the huge mass of molten rock is slowly creeping upwards beneath the nation’s northeastern states.  Trump officials say they’re not at all surprised, given all three of these are all blue states and blue states have always resisted passing tough volcano legislation.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com LaCroix CEO Sued For Groping 2 Male Pilots:   Nick Caporella, the billionaire CEO of the company that owns LaCroix sparkling water, has been sued by two male pilots for unwanted touching on dozens of occasions.  In response to the suit, a LaCroix spokesperson defended Caporella, pointing out that - if pilots don’t wish to be groped, why the hell take a job in a “cockpit?”  Its almost like asking for trouble.  http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com...

New Research Finds T-Rex Was As Smart As a Chimp:   While the Tyrannosaurus rex is commonly known as the greatest predator, its never been known for its intelligence, but a new book by paleontologist Steve Brusatte claims that the beast was a smart as a chimpanzee.  Come on, we’re supposed to believe that?  I mean, who the hell’s gonna give an IQ test to a Tyrannosaurus? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Leopard Snatches and Eats Toddler at National Park in Uganda:   Authorities say a leopard who snatched and ate a child at a National Park in Uganda - will have to be removed from the wild - because once it has eaten human flesh, the temptation is far too high to eat another human being.  Why do they always say that?  We can’t be that delicious!  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Nationwide Thefts of Tide Detergent Reported:  Authorities nationwide are reporting a huge spike in thefts of Tide detergent which are then so...

Some Suspect Earth’s Magnetic Poles About to Flip:   A new theory being proposed is that the Earth’s magnetic poles may be about to flip for the first time in 786,000 years.  Scientists say that even if it does happen, humans should be OK overall - but birds who typically migrate using magnetic guidance may now be forced to download the Waze app in order to navigate their way past Cleveland every summer.  Otherwise, about the only other thing people will notice is that they’ll now need to place the batteries into their electronic devices backwards. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Last Ice Age Affected Breastfeeding in Native Americans:   Scientists at UC Berkeley say that the last ice age may have caused a genetic mutation in Native Americans which causes the breasts to provide more fat and vitamin D to infants.  So I’m guessing before that, the only thing available in breastfeeding was either 2% or skim milk?  http://www.johnnyrobish.com...

Michelle Pfeiffer Lived on Tomato Soup and Marlboros for Scarface:   During a recent interview, Michelle Pfeiffer revealed that during her career-making role as Elvira Hancock in the 1983 film “Scarface,” she subsisted solely on a diet of “tomato soup and Marlboros” to play the part of the cocaine-addicted character.  Are you kidding? She still looks emaciated to me.  What the hell is she living on now, 2 cans of soup and only a half pack of cigarettes?  For God’s sake, someone get her a frigg'n sandwich! http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Finds Earth’s Mammals Have Shrunk Dramatically:   A new study in the journal “Science” predicts that in a few hundred years, the largest land mammal may very well be the domestic cow - placing the blame squarely on humanity.  Yea, well I’m not so sure about that.  All I know is - if we keep slamming down Big Macs, fried chicken and pizza at the current pace, it won’t be all that long till many of us end u...

Smithsonian Publishes Controversial Article on Jellyfish:  An article in Smithsonian Magazine claims that jellyfish are essentially a boneless, bloodless and brainless species whose mouth also doubles as their anus.  Now I have no idea what the Smithsonian has against jellyfish, but this is the kind of hurtful name-calling is not exactly what one would expect from a respected scientific journal and it needs to stop now. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Thousands Attend 2018 March For Science:   Thousands of protesters in 250 rallies around the world marched to advocate for science policies to be involved in policymaker’s everyday conversations.  Well, guess we don’t have to ask what the Kardashians did over the weekend.  Sadly, many others said they would have attended, but they didn’t feel there was strong enough evidence there was even gonna be a march. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Rental Car Agent Finds Body in Back Seat of Returned Car:...

Green-Haired Turtle that Breathes Through Genitals Added to Endangered List:  The Mary River turtle of Queensland, Australia, which breaths through its genitals and sports a punky green Mohican hairdo, has been placed on a new list of the most vulnerable reptile species on the planet.  Now, of course, we’ve all known people who talk out of their ass, but come on - breathing through your genitals is quite a feat.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Finds Flat Earth Believers Tend to Be Young:  A new survey found that 34 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds entertain some doubts about whether the Earth is actually round.  Good grief, sounds like we flat out need to see that these millennials get a more well-rounded education.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Huge-Nosed Dinosaur Found in Utah:  Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur which had a humongous nose that lived 76-million years ago in what is now Utah.  Ironically, if ...

Scientists Say Alien Star Sideswiped Our Solar System:   Astronomers say that some 70,000 years ago, when humans and Neanderthals shared the planet, an alien star streaked through the outer edges of our solar system and jostled its contents.  We need to erect a wall around our solar system and we need to get the Andromeda galaxy to pay for it. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Bored 6-Year-Old Discovered a 65-Million-Year-Old Fossil:   A 6-year-old girl got bored while watching her sister’s JV soccer game in Bend, Oregon - wandered away from the field and started digging in a nearby bush and uncovered a 65-million-year-old fossil.  After hearing about the little girl’s find, President Trump immediately recommended she be appointed Chairman of Paleontology for the National Museum of Natural History. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Trump Names War Hawk John Bolton as National Security Adviser:   President Trump announced he will be n...

Triceratops May Have Had Horns to Attract Mates:  A study published in a Royal Society journal found that the aggressive-looking armor of horned dinosaurs such as Triceratops, may actually have evolved to signal an animal's suitability as a sexual partner - known as socio-sexual selection.  Or, to put it another way, these guys were pretty damned horny.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com        Trump Called Putin to Congratulate Him on His Election Victory:  President Trump told reporters that he called Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his election victory, and plans to meet with the Russian President in the near future, but did not discuss the recent nerve-agent attack in Britain.  What does Trump care about nerve gas attacks?  Hell, Trump’s got his own private stash of nerve gas - Agent Orange! http://www.johnnyrobish.com Ben Carson Blames $31,000 Office Dining Set on His Wife:   Department ...

New “ Poop Pill” Could Help Infection Victims:  Scientists say a "poop pill" - a capsule that contains fecal microbes from a family member - may hold the key to healing an infection that kills 14,000 Americans and sickens more than a half-million each year.  Geez, as if most of us don’t already take enough crap from our families, now someone invented a pill for that? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Self-Doubt Also Found in Animal Kingdom:  Humans aren't the only animals filled with self-doubt as a recent study found that monkeys often question their own thinking as well.  Yea, like “what the hell was I thinking when I volunteered for that UCLA castration study?” http://www.johnnyrobish.com Selling More Than Just Donuts and Coffee:  A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin’ Donuts faces prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money.  Yea, pr...

Trump Plan Gives Teachers Bonuses for Carrying Guns in Class:   President Donald Trump is reportedly proposing a plan that would award teachers with bonuses if they carry guns with them in class, which the President feels would be much cheaper than hiring armed security guards.  Hell, if its about saving money, why not just ship all our kids over to Afghanistan for school?  Teachers there are already armed - problem solved! http://www.johnnyrobish.com    Study Finds Neanderthals Not Humans Were Earth First Artists:   Researchers say Neanderthals were painting on cave walls in Spain 65,000 years ago - tens of thousands of years before modern humans even arrived.  Yea, well if you ask me, that was the least of their accomplishments.  What I wanna know is, how in the hell were they able to convince saber-toothed tigers to sit still long enough to get their portraits painted on cave walls? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Home Where J...

New Dinosaurs Being Discovered in Record Numbers:   Scientists say the frequency of new dinosaur discoveries has spiked dramatically in the past twenty years or so - and many of those new finds are dramatically changing everything we had previously thought we knew about these monstrous beasts. You bet it is!  Let’s take for example the giant flying dinosaur named Pterodactylus.  Who could have known that the “P” in Pterodactylus is actually silent?  There was no indication of that in the fossil record until recently.  Or how about the fact that Bigfoot was actually only a size 8 shoe?  One may legitimately wonder why podiatrists have been silence on this issue for all these years. Then, there’s the recently discovered fact that T. Rex was not a predator at all, but actually a scavenger who had feathers.  While I’m no paleontologist, I’m guessing that must mean that these theropods were essentially homeless, cross-dressers.  And who co...