You've Got to Be Kidding?

Alex Jones Telling Followers to Buy His Merchandise After Banishment:   Summoning everything from the Alamo to Roman gladiators, right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones is calling on his loyal Infowars followers to rise up against the anti-Trump “sociopaths” who’ve removed him from most major social media platforms by buying more merchandise from his website.  Personally, I kind of feel sorry for the poor guy and, if it were up to me - I’d love to send him tons of money and purchase loads and loads of goodies from his website - but that just won’t be possible because I'm still paying off all my student loans from Trump University.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Elon Musk Tweets He Is Considering Taking Tesla Private:   Tesla stock soared after founder Elon Musk tweeted he is considering taking Tesla private in a deal worth tens of billions of dollars.  Take them private?  Gee, does that mean he’s no longer gonna sell the cars and ...

CIA Director Mike Pompeo Met Secretly With Kim Jong-un:  The Washington Post is re[porting that CIA Director Mike Pompeo secretly met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un over the Easter weekend.  Now about the only question that remains to be answered is - can they convince Kim to agree to offer Trump asylum after the Mueller investigation closes in? http://www.johnnyrobish.com Starbucks to Close All Stores in May for Racial Bias Training:   Starbucks announced it will close all 8,000 of its US stores for the afternoon of May 29th, while it conducts what it called “racial bias training” in light of the recent arrest of two black men who were waiting in one the coffee giant’s Philadelphia locations.  Hell, Starbucks employees don’t need no stinking training.  They appear to be pretty damn good at racial bias already. http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Scientists Say Meteorite Filled with Diamonds are From Lost Planet:  Scient...

Putin Claims Missiles Which Can Overcome NATO Defense Systems:  Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that Russia is developing a series of nuclear weapon systems, including a new supersonic cruise missile which is capable of overcoming NATO defense systems.  Perhaps, but what they don’t tell you is Putin’s nuclear button isn’t nearly as big or half as shiny as Trump’s. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Shark Bites Surfer in Half in Australia Waters:  A surfer has been bitten in half in a savage shark attack off Australia's west coast, the fifth such fatality in the region in less than a year.  When asked how likely they’d be to go back in the water after these attacks, local surfers said they’d be only half as likely.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Study Finds Pretty People Are More Selfish:  A new study determined that people born with symmetrical facial features - long considered a major component of physical attractiveness - were ...

Trump Proposes Cutting 248 Meteorologists from Tornado Alley:   President Trump is proposing gutting the National Weather Service in an area of the country that depends on forecasters and meteorologists to protect them from extreme weather events such as tornados.  On a positive note, the President promised that should a horrific storm manage to sneak up on them without warning - rendering massive devastation and death to the area, he’ll ask the rest of the country to send lots of “thoughts and prayers” their way. http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Study Finds Milky Way Galaxy Will Not Be Eaten By Andromeda:   Scientists say new research is showing that our own Milky Way galaxy will not be eaten by our closest neighbor galaxy Andromeda as was previously thought.  A NASA spokesperson said our tests indicate the Andromeda galaxy is most likely lactose intolerant, so consuming a Milky Way galaxy would not be a smart food choice for our neighbor Andromeda. ...

Quincy Jones Claims Richard Pryor and Marlon Brando Were Lovers:   In a recent interview with New York Magazine, famed music producer Quincy Jones claimed that Richard Pryor and Marlon Brando were lovers back in the 70’s and that Brando would screw just about anything, including a mailbox.  Well, perhaps its a good thing he’s dead then, because I’d hate to have to try and find a condom that’ll fit over my mailbox.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com Tesla Announces Largest Quarterly Loss Ever:   Tech pioneer Elon Musk’s Tesla electric car and energy storage company has announced huge losses of $675.4m in the three months ending December 31st.  Not to be critical, but perhaps if they’d consider selling the cars instead of launching them into space - the bottom line might look a little better. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Solo Rock Stars at Greater Risk to Die Early:  A new study found that solo rock stars are four times more likely to die y...