You've Got to Be Kidding?

The Associated Press reports that Pinellas County, Florida sheriff's deputies arrested a man during a traffic stop after they found baggies of cocaine and methamphetamine wrapped around the suspect's penis during a pat-down.   The suspect denied the drugs were his, and claimed he had no idea how they got there. Well, laugh if you want, but if I just had a dollar for every time someone tried to tape hard drugs to my penis - well, let’s just say I wouldn't need to depend on George Soros for a paycheck any longer.  Anyway, during the traffic stop, the cop just flat-out told him “Son, either those are drugs taped to your penis, or that’s one helluva STD you’ve got there!”    I mean, sure - I realize this sounds like some cockamamie story to many folks.  After all, he told the cops he’d left his “regular penis” at home that evening, and he has no idea where the hell this penis could have come from.  He then added ”Why, that doesn't even look like my penis...

Trump Demands Biden Be Drug Tested Before Their Presidential Debate:   In a recent Oval Office interview, President Trump indicated he will insist that drug tests be administered before next month’s first presidential debate between he and Joe Biden, claiming (without evidence), that the sudden improvement in Biden’s last primary debate performance - may very well be attributed to drugs administered to him before the debate. Drug tests?  Great idea Mr President!  Hell, the debate’s moderator could start everything off - by directing both candidates to pee into a cup behind their podiums.  Of course, as usual - we’ll insist Mexico pay for all the testing.  And, while we’re at it, Biden should demand they also get STD tested.  That ought to shake things up in the Trump camp a bit.  Of course, an argument could be made that anyone who still supports Donald Trump at this stage of the game, is definitely on something that is affecting their judgem...

Trump Surgeon General Warns of Health Risks of Marijuana:  Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar and Surgeon General Jerome Adams have issued a warning, calling marijuana "a dangerous drug,” adding that President Trump will donate one-quarter of his annual government salary toward a digital campaign to raise awareness of marijuana risks. Now isn’t that interesting?  We have a guy who lives off of fast food and diet Cokes, concerned about people's health?  All I can say is, that so-called "digital awareness campaign” Trump is supposedly donating to had better hope he’s not writing them a check. Of course, I know some of you skeptics are gonna say that if banning drugs was really about a concern for public safety, wouldn’t alcohol, tobacco and opioids be illegal?  Well, I think it’s safe to assume Surgeon General Adams would respond to that by saying “it’s none of your business.” That said, the Trump people do have a point when they talk about t...

Louisiana Woman Claims Meth Found in Her Groin Area Not Hers:   Police say that shortly after her arrest, a Louisiana woman tried to convince them that she had no idea where the meth found in her groin area came from. Now come on, before you laugh - it’s possible she's on the up-and-up.  I’ll tell ya one thing, if I had a nickel for every time the cops found meth in one of my body parts - I sure as hell wouldn’t be out here on Hollywood Blvd selling bogus maps to the star’s homes like I am today.   Besides, maybe she was just renting it out to someone - you know, like one of those self-storage lockers you see over there on Olympic Blvd in West LA.  That said, police say further investigation also turned up four gold watches, two new iPads along with cyber fugitive Edward Snowden. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Drug Kingpin El Chapo Appeals Life Sentence:   Court documents indicate that Mexican drug lord Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman, who’s being held at the notorious ADX Federal Maximum Security Prison in Colorado, is appealing his life sentence.   During the appeal process, his new attorney told the court “Ah, now just take look at that face judge!  That your honor, is the face of a changed man, one who’s really “oh-so-sorry" about all the murders, torture, bribery, kidnapping, drug trafficking, theft and money laundering.   Anyway, my suggestion is, his cartel pals had better get busy digging that escape tunnel.  I mean, the poor guy’s now 61 and I hear it’s quite a good distance from Colorado back down to the border.  In fact, it sounds to me like the perfect job for Elon Musk and his The Boring Company. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Pfizer Knew Their Blockbuster Drug Might Also Prevent Alzheimer’s:  In 2015, researchers inside Pfizer made a startling discovery - the company’s blockbuster rheumatoid arthritis therapy Enbrel appeared to reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s disease by an astonishing 64 percent and urged Pfizer to immediately conduct clinical trials.  But verifying all that would have required paying for clinical trials and besides, Pfizer’s patent on Enbrel was about to expire - so, Pfizer not only nixed any further Alzheimer’s research, but also decided to not even make the possible life-saving data public. Why, if one weren’t constantly tuned in to say - Fox News or Breitbart, one might accidentally conclude that Pfizer is a greedy, heartless, money-grabbing corporation who made the decision not to save people from a cruel disease, simply because their patent was about to run out and they wouldn’t have been able to make a huge financial killing from it.  Now I’m sure people lik...

GOP Lawmaker Tells Pro-Vaccine Medical Expert to Stop Advocating Sorcery:  During testimony before a legislative committee, Texas GOP State Rep. Jonathan Stickland confronted Texas pediatrician-scientist and vaccine advocate Dr. Peter Hotez, telling him that vaccines are nothing but sorcery and extremely dangerous, scientists are “typical leftists, trying to take credit for something only the Lord God Almighty is in control of,” and that people who think otherwise are nothing but “brainwashed commies.” Gee, Rep. Strickland sure makes some good points, but I’d like to add to that if I may.  Sorcery is also how that light comes on when your refrigerator door opens, sorcery is how they can make people small enough to fit inside your television set and sorcery is how those big, heavy, silver airplanes manage to stay way up in the air. If you ask me, what Rep. Strickland needs to do is find himself a doctor that even his church pastor would approve of.  That’ll strai...

Drug Smugglers Now Using Submarines to Ship Narcotics:  US authorities say drug cartels are now using submarines instead of high-speed boats to ship narcotics.  In related news, it’s being reported that drug users are now eating more submarine sandwiches than ever before.  Now I’m no law enforcement expert, but this has to be more than coincidence.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com     New Study Finds Humans Can Smell With Their Tongues:  Scientists say the human tongues can actually smell, as researchers report finding the exact same “smell sensors” in people’s noses that are in human tongues.  Maybe so, but good luck trying to recite a “nose twister” or treat a “runny tongue?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Malicious Software Attack Knocks the Weather Channel Off the Air:   The FBI is currently investigating a malicious software attack that knocked the Weather Channel off the air for more than an hour....

Coast Guard Lieutenant Was Planning Widespread Domestic Terrorism:   A U.S. Coast Guard lieutenant has been arrested on gun and drug charges after officials with the US Coast Guard Investigative Service and agents of the FBI in Baltimore determined that the man is white nationalist who had a massive cache of weapons and drugs stockpiled and was in the planning stages of a plot to commit widespread domestic terrorism. Now, at first I wondered why President Trump and Fox News weren’t all over this “terrorist story,” but then I realized a white racist with a huge stockpile of deadly weapons and drugs who is planning a significant terrorist attack doesn’t nearly pose the threat that say - some gay black  actor  who lied to Chicago police about getting beaten up in some petty publicity stunt to get a raise would pose.   After all, it’s important to remember that the Trump Administration follows strict guidelines.  Why everyone patriotic American knows a "t...

Iconic American Brewer Bill Coors Dies at 102:   Bill Coors, a pioneer in the American brewing industry and former chairman of the Adolph Coors Company, died peacefully at his home at age 102.  The family is asking everyone that in lieu of sending flowers, please pick up a couple of six packs at your local 7-Eleven and get good and hammered instead. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Hundreds of Dietary Supplements Tainted with Prescription Drugs:   A new study found that more than 750 supplement brands have been found to be tainted with a prescription drug, with the most common drugs being generic Viagra, sibutramine (a banned weight-loss drug) and synthetic steroids.  Interesting topic for me, because I quit gave up alcohol and coffee quite a long time ago, so now I have to take beer, wine and caffeine supplements.  And to be completely honest, I have my doubts about whether those supplements actually work, especially since the spokesperson’s name...

President Trump Demands Identity of Anonymous NYT Writer:   President Donald Trump is demanding that the New York Times reveal the identity of the “Senior Administration Official” who wrote the scathing op-ed piece about him, claiming the government needs to know who it was for "national security reasons.”  At first I thought it has to be Melania, but then it occurred to me - if she had, the op-ed would have probably sounded a lot more like something Bela Lugosi wrote than it did.  One thing’s for sure, if the White House does find that Melania wrote it, expect her to be taking more time off to get additional work done on her kidneys. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Roy Moore Sues Sacha Baron Cohen for $95 Million:   Former Alabama Supreme Court chief justice Roy Moore is suing Sacha Baron Cohen, Showtime and CBS for $95 million for defamation and intentional infliction of emotional distress after being tricked into appearing on Cohen’s show in a...

Royal Family Stunned Prince Harry Skipped Hunting Tradition:  The royal family is reportedly shocked that Prince Harry skipped out on the royal grouse hunt which has been a tradition since 1853, because of Meghan Markle’s strong opposition to animal cruelty.  Now I realize I should care deeply about this - but oddly enough, it doesn’t seem that I do - go figure!  So they decided not to kill bunch of birds and went to see a play instead?  Perhaps they are human after all.  Anyway, even if they didn’t go grouse hunting, Harry and Meghan did manage to “kill-off” a couple of pints of Newcastle Brown Ale after watching Hamilton.  I mean, that oughta count for something.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trials on Beneficial effects of Microdosing LSD Set To Begin:   A novel experiment launching this month will investigate whether microdosing LSD really does have benefits - which many Silicon Valley geeks have been taking to sharpen their...

Republicans Couldn't Care Less What Critics Say About Trump:   Despite weathering criticism and accusations of treason over his embrace of Vladimir Putin in Helsinki, Donald Trump has been bolstered enough with a 79% Republican summit approval rating that he felt confident enough to give critics the middle finger and invite the Russian autocrat back to the White House.  Great - they can have a sleepover.  Word has it Putin has accumulated some rather “interesting” home movies Trump might have an interest in watching. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Find 99-Million-Year-Old Baby Snake Preserved in Amber:   In a first of its kind, scientists say they’ve found a 99-million-year-old baby snake fossil which was found preserved in amber.  While some hope they’ll use the DNA to bring the snake back to life, others say it would be a cruel mistake because so much has changed in the last 99-million-years - the snake might have trouble adjusting ...

Opiate Abuse Causes Spike in US Hard Drug Usage:  A new government survey found that “hard drug” use among Americans is increasing dramatically, which experts attribute to an increase in opioid abuse.  I guess it all comes done to how you define “hard drugs.”  Now for law enforcement - I suppose it means drugs like heroin or cocaine.  On the other hand, for people like Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels, “hard drugs” means Viagra and Cialis.   http://www.johnnyrobish.com AARP Quietly Launches Internet Radio Service:  AARP has quietly introduced a free Internet radio service geared toward listeners who 50 and older.  Hell, AARP launching the station “quietly” is a smart move.  That way, you’re not gonna wake up all those seniors in the middle their damn naps. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Heavy Stubble Makes Men Attractive To Women:  A new study conducted by researchers in Australia found that women prefer men with heavy s...