You've Got to Be Kidding?

Putin’s High-Five of Saudi Crown Prince Goes Viral:  Russian President Vladimir Putin raised plenty of eyebrows at the G20 summit in Argentina, after he greeted Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman with a big high-five and a warm smile - a gesture which many described as “simply chilling,” considering both men stand accused of ordering the murder of journalists. Good grief, these two characters kind of remind me of two high school athletes, bragging in the cafeteria about their macho exploits with the same cheerleader - and of course that cheerleader is none other than one Donald J. Trump.  Then, we suddenly find poor Donald wandering into the cafeteria - looking like a lost school kid and wondering if he’ll ever be invited to get to sit at the "cool dictators' table.” But all that aside, what could be more touching than watching two brutal dictators admiring each other’s work?  Ah yes, we’ve got Putin’s handiwork in the Ukraine and Prince Mohammed bin Salman’

Richard Branson Taking Submarine Down World's Largest Sinkhole:   In the first mission of its kind, Jacques Cousteau's grandson and Sir Richard Branson are plunging in a submarine into the deep, dark bottom of what has been named "The Great Blue Hole” - a cavern large enough to swallow two Boeing 747s with room to spare - located off the country of Belize.  Well, if he does runs into any trouble, I suppose Elon Musk can always come by and rescue him.  Now personally, I much prefer to experience an adventure like that on my 4K TV - lying back on my couch with plenty of snacks and beverages on hand.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Cat Poop Home To Life-Threatening Parasites:  According to new research published in Trends in Parasitology, cat feces is known to carry a highly infectious parasite that can cause many serious issues including negatively impacting academic performance in school children.  So kids, next time your mom complains about your bad grades

President Trump Suggests He May Pardon Paul Manafort:  Speaking to reporters outside the Oval Office, President Trump confirmed that he may be willing to pardon Paul Manafort amid new reports alleging his former campaign chairman had lied to Special Counsel Robert Mueller. When asked if it would be wise to pardon someone who appears to have lied to the Special Counsel under oath, a visibly annoyed President schooled reporters about how “lying is an art form as old as humanity itself and that we, as Americans - cannot afford to lose our most talented people in that arena.”  The President further added that “until I took office, places like Russia, North Korea and Syria led the world in lying.  That all changed very quickly when I became President.  We’ve always stood for America First!  Right from the very beginning, I assembled a team of some of the best lairs America had to offer.  People who were willing to do or say nearly anything to get their own way.”  The Presid

Trump Claims His Very High-Level IQ Doesn’t Buy Into Climate Change:  President Trump dismissed a landmark climate change report compiled by 13 federal agencies by saying he’s “among those with very high intelligence who are not believers in climate change.” Gee, I wonder if every climate denier is a stable genius, or just the ones who happen to be loud-mouthed narcissists?  And while some billionaires such as Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos are busy promoting the idea of human settlements on Mars - I can’t help but wonder if it’s all just a wasted effort.  Especially, when you consider Trump and his crew are making every possible effort to recreate a stunningly realistic Mars-like environment - right here on planet Earth.   Anyway, even though I wasn’t actually there when it happened - I truly do believe that whomever told Donald Trump that he is a “stable genius,” was simply referring to the sort of “stable” where livestock are typically held - nothing more.  I mean, let’s face i

Chinese Scientist Uses Crispr to Make First Genetically Edited Babies:   In what is being described as both a profound leap of science and ethics, a scientist in China announced that he had created the world’s first genetically edited babies, altering a gene in the embryos that would make the babies resistant to HIV infection.  Of course, everyone will complain like crazy about the ethics of this technology - at least until their favorite NBA team sends their newly recruited 8’9” center out on the court. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    MIT Scientists Create A Plane That Flies With No Moving Parts:   Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (MIT) have created a plane with an ion drive that flies - even though it has no moving parts whatsoever.  Hell, what’s the big deal about that?  I mean, as far I could tell - every time I had sex with my ex, she had absolutely no moving parts either. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com New Theory Claims V

Scientists Say 536 AD Was Worst Year in Human History:   Scientists say that the year 536 AD was most likely the worst year ever for humanity, as an Icelandic volcano unleashed a cloud of black ash that blocked out the sun for years, coinciding with an outbreak of bubonic plague and a piercing cold snap - resulting in massive crop fails, starvation, years of darkness and squalor everywhere.  Oh for God’s sake, please don’t mention that to President Trump.  He’ll wanna nuke Iceland’s volcanos.  On a positive note, Iceland’s most active volcano is spelled Eyjafjallajökull, so good luck with typing that into your nuclear GPS system Mr Trump. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Large Asteroid Might Collide With Earth In 2023:   Scientists say large asteroid packing 50 megatons of force, could be headed toward us in the near future - barreling through space on a risk trajectory that might cause it to collide with Earth as early as 2023.  Scientists say that while this is certai

Mark Zuckerberg Threatened With Imprisonment in London Standoff:   After Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg repeatedly declined the UK Parliament’s request that he testify and turn over documents regarding how his platform was used to influence elections, angry MPs reportedly sent a sergeant at arms to Zuckerberg’s hotel to “escort” him back to them where he was threatened with heavy fines and imprisonment.  Now I’m certainly no expert on English law - but I think if I were Mr Zuckerberg, I’d think about giving Julian Assange a call and ask him if they’ve got another extra bedroom over there at the Ecuadorian Embassy.  Otherwise, next thing you know - poor Zuck may find himself making all his future Facebook posts from somewhere deep inside the Tower of London.   So here we are once again - Facebook getting caught with egg on its face.  I don’t like to sound critical, but if you ask me - isn’t it about time Zuckerberg steps down and hands over the reins to Jesse Eisenberg?

Judge Allows Suit Against Trump and His Personal Charity to Proceed:   A New York state judge has denied a request by attorneys for President Donald Trump to throw out a lawsuit alleging that Trump and his family violated charity laws and that the Donald J. Trump Foundation functioned as little more than a checkbook to serve Mr. Trump’s business and political interests. Of course, it’s really no big surprise that Trump and his lawyers would want to try and do everything possible to prevent “shedding any light” on his endless financial shenanigans - because like any good cockroach, he runs and hides just as soon as someone turns the light on.  Put another way - if Kim Jong un is “Rocket Man,” then Donald J. Trump is “Racket Man.” I mean, only someone like Donald Trump would have the chutzpah to create a non-charitable charity - which is essentially his personal, tax-free slush fund.  Why it even appears that it’s been years since Trump has personally contributed any money t

Trump Attacks CIA, Migrants, Judges and Hillary in Thanksgiving Call to Troops:  During his Thanksgiving message to the troops, President Trump said he’s most grateful for the tremendous difference he’s made for the country - then went on to renounce recent CIA findings, threaten Mexico, criticize court decisions, attack Hillary Clinton over her emails, misstate facts about the economy and then float the possibility of shutting down the government.  So, if I understand his message correctly, he’s basically grateful for himself.  But I can honestly understand his frustration during Thanksgiving - after all, he’s been in office nearly two years, and he thinks it’s about time that he was given his own holiday.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Health Officials Concerned About Two Human Cases of Rat Hepatitis:   Researchers say they are deeply concerned and surprised after finding a second patient in Hong Kong who has contracted a strain of hepatitis carried by rats, in wha

Scientists Try to Unravel Secret of Why Wombat Poop is Cube-Shaped:   Scientists say that of all the mysteries of the animal kingdom, one most baffling is the common wombat’s unique ability to produce feces that is shaped like a cube.   And while some critics may argue the damn wombats are just ripping off the great cubists like Picasso and Braque, wombat defenders call that criticism just a load of crap and claim wombats have come by all their cube-shaped poop designs “fair and square.”   And while I'm certainly no scientist, I say the cube-shaped stools are because  the wombats always make sure to have  three sqaure meals a day. ​ As for me , I’d like to sincerely thank all the dedicated researchers who’ve spent so much time and money working diligently on a project like this - because, whether they know it or not, they’ve helped me to feel much so better about my job now. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

CDC Issues Nationwide Warning Not Eat Romaine Lettuce:  Just as millions of Americans were preparing for the biggest food holiday of the year, CDC officials issued a warning not buy or eat romaine lettuce - restaurants should stop serving it and anyone who has it on hand should throw it out and clean the refrigerator immediately.  When asked about the situation, President Trump told reporters he’s not really concerned - because only liberals eat romaine lettuce.  In related news, law enforcement officials expressed concern that now the warning has gone public, mass killers may switch from guns to romaine lettuce. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trump’s Deployment Of Troops to Border to Cost $72 Million:  The Pentagon says President Trump’s deployment of 5,900 active-duty troops to the southern border will cost taxpayers a staggering sum of at least $72 million.  No problem - just fax the invoice over to Trump Tower.  On the other hand, I suppose it’s kind of a bargain

Ivanka Trump Used Personal E-Mail for Government Business:   In violation of federal rules, records show Ivanka Trump sent hundreds of government business e-mails last year to Cabinet officials, White House aides and her assistants - using a personal e-mail account. Wow, then can it be very long before Trump supporters start chanting “lock her up!” - and Republicans in Congress demand an investigation into Ivanka’s e-mails?   Somehow, I suspect it will.  Now can anyone say “double standard?”  In my mind, about the only thing worse than a hypocrite - is a whole family of them.  I’m looking at you - Trumps!   Of course, none of this will have any effect on the Trump faithful.  I mean, Trump could tell those folks that “dingoes make great babysitters” and the next thing you know, all the Trump supporters would start paging through their trusty “Yellow Pages,” to try and see if they could hire one for Saturday night date night. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Ridiculed for Telling Californians to Rake Forests:   Donald Trump’s weekend visit to fire-ravaged California has prompted a withering barrage of ridicule and anger after he suggested the state should copy Finland and rake forest floors to prevent a repeat of wildfires that have killed at least 76 people. Wow, that really has a ring to it - “Make America Rake Again!”  Thanks so much for the advice Mr President.  Gee, there’s only 33-million acres of forest in California.  We’ll get right on it.   And while some may complain that Trump has never held a rake in his life, I think most people can agree he has been busy “raking in the dough” from sleazy hustles like Trump University, Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka and money laundering scams disguised as real estate ventures - the list goes on and on.  Besides, even if he’s never held an actual rake, he has held lots of golf clubs - that ought to count for something. Anyway, my suggestion is, while we’re busy trying to emula

Queen Elizabeth Sends Out Condolences to California Fire Victims:   Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip have issued a formal statement of condolences to the people of California over the devastating fires that have been raging throughout the state. Of course, this kind gesture is in stark contrast to US President Donald Trump - who, rather than express compassion - typically uses tragedies to scold victims about all the things he believes they’ve been doing wrong - much of which he has either greatly exaggerated or is simply completely false. All I can say is, while the President is visiting here in California, firefighters had better keep a very close eye on Trump’s size extra, extra large golf pants, because if that “liar, liar's pants catch fire” - the last thing we need here in California, is for yet another blaze to break out. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Awards Elvis Presley US Presidential Medal of Freedom:  President Trump has awarded Elvis Presley the prestigious Presidential Medal of Freedom in a White House ceremony.  Now, at first I thought, what’s the point, he’s been dead for over 40 years - but then it occurred to me that his closest advisors like Alex Jones have probably totally convinced him that Elvis is actually still alive.  Anyway, not to diminish the award, I’m sure any award from coming the likes of Donald Trump will mean an awful lot to Elvis - especially at this stage of his career.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com North Carolina Man’s Runny Nose Was Actually Leaking Brain Fluid:   Some doctors told a North Carolina man his runny nose was due to allergies, while others doctors diagnosed him with pneumonia and bronchitis, but it wasn't until he saw a doctor at Mount Sinai Hospital that he learned it was a cerebrospinal fluid leak (leaking brain fluid).  So, if I’m understanding all this cor

Study Right Finds Belly Button Positioning Important:  US scientists say they have an explanation as to why African-Americans appear to dominate on the running track, while whites excel more in the swimming pool - claiming it’s all primarily due to the position of their belly-buttons.  Ironically, a follow-up study concluded that researchers who spend their time studying belly-button positioning - most likely have their heads positioned well up their rectum. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Using Satellites to Measure Ocean Volume:   A group of scientists at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution have been using satellite measurements to get new estimates to determine the volume of water that’s in the ocean.  I can see how knowing the ocean’s volume could be valuable.  After all, if everyone keeps dumping their crap in there, one day we may end up having to drain everything. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Erectile Dysfunction Drugs Linked to

Stormy Daniels’ Lawyer Avenatti Arrested for Domestic Violence:   TMZ is reporting that Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti has been arrested in Los Angeles on a felony domestic violence charge against his estranged wife Lisa Storie Avenatti, but she has issued a statement to NBC claiming that Avenatti has “never been violent with her.”  Wow, one way or the other, it sounds like this guy’s gonna need himself a pretty good lawyer.  I’m not sure about this, but I think Michael Cohen is available.  One thing’s for sure, if he does get convicted, I think it’s a pretty safe bet Donald Trump isn’t going to pardon him.    https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Spot Possible Giant Impact Crater Under Greenland Ice:   A team of scientists say they’ve spotted a huge 20-mile wide scar hidden below a melting ice sheet in Greenland - which they believe to be an impact crater from a giant iron meteorite.  Meanwhile, Trump officials expressed doubt, claiming these pics don’t l

Melania Demands White House National Security Official Be Fired:   The office of first lady Melania Trump is calling for the ouster of deputy National Security Adviser and John Bolton confidant Mira Ricardel, amid reports that Ricardel quarreled with the first lady's staff during Melania’s recent trip to Africa over seating arrangements on their plane and over the use of National Security Council resources.  So, if I’m understanding all this correctly, we now apparently have Melania Trump making major National Security Council staffing decisions.  I’ve gotta hand it to them, when you factor in the influence of people like son-in-law Jared Kushner, daughter Ivanka, son Don Jr and the rest of the gang, it appears as if the Trumps have managed to transform the entire functioning of the United States Government into kind of a second-rate mom and pop operation. Of course, some are gonna argue that Melania has no business deciding who our National Security advisors are, and

Trump Faces Backlash Over California Wildfire Tweets:  President Trump has once again created a huge public outcry after he showed little or no compassion toward California wildfire victims by inaccurately claiming the catastrophic fires were due to “gross mismanagement of our forests” - and then threatening to withhold federal aid.   Gee, that makes me wonder, has Donald Trump ever even been in a forest?  I mean, Trump seems like the kind of guy who’d think he’s deep in the wilderness if he happened to walk past the sporting goods section in a Walmart store.  Not that he’d ever be seen in a Walmart store, that’s just a place where his followers can afford to shop. The irony about Trump’s “forest management” tweets is that most of the fire danger isn’t coming from forests, but from the millions and millions of acres of dry brush sitting on all of California’s extremely rugged, mountainous terrain.  Why it would be next to impossible to clear all of that dry brush out.  Of cou

Study Finds Concussions May Cause Alzheimer’s:   In what may be more bad news for the NFL, a study published in the journal Neurology found that people who have suffered concussions are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease as they get older.  You mean to tell me that endlessly slamming your head into hard objects at high speeds year after year after year after year could have a downside?  Why I’m so shocked, you could have knocked me over with a feather - or maybe even a 240-pound linebacker. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Study Finds Single Men Not As Bad-Off as Once Thought:  A new study about men seems to contradict previous studies assessing men who remain single for all their lives, finding that while marriage usually means men will make more money and reduces the likelihood they will commit crimes, single men seem to have more friends and have deeper connections to them, demonstrate more emotional self-sufficiency and have a heightened sense of self-determi