You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Says He Has Evidence Coronavirus Came From A Chinese Lab:   President Trump said Thursday that he has read some evidence which proves the coronavirus pandemic was spread from a virology laboratory in Wuhan, China, but claimed he is unable to reveal what that evidence is. Well, that changes everything!  Donald Trump‘s read about “evidence” of something he can't reveal.  What else you need to know?  Now, pardon my skepticism, but unless this “evidence” was printed somewhere on a McDonald’s wrapper, I seriously doubt he’d take the time to read it. But gee, seems like only a month ago - Trump was telling us what a great job China was doing.  Funny how quickly Trump’s position can change when folks like Alex Jones or Sean Hannity come up with a new conspiracy to spin.   Speaking of “evidence,” I have some “evidence” too.  I have evidence Donald Trump is actually a cyborg who was manufactured inside an experimental Russian lab - but sadly, I can’t reveal that either,

Trump Strikes Out At Media-Insisting Reporters Return Nobel Prizes:   President Trump has launched another Twitter tirade against the media, this time slamming a days-old story about his lax work habits (like not arriving for work before noon), and calling for journalists to return their “Nobel Prizes.”  Well, that ought to prove quite interesting, given that journalists don’t even receive the Nobel Prize.  One thing’s for sure though, prize or no Nobel prize, - after floating an idea like COVIDF-19 patients might consider injecting disinfectant into their veins, pretty much demonstrates why the “J” in Donald J. Trump - really does stand for genius. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Republican Forced to Apologize for Wearing Confederate Face Mask:   Republican state Senator Dale Zorn wore a Confederate flag face mask to a Michigan state senate vote on Friday and, when confronted by a reporter - tried to claim the mask wasn’t actually what it was, then blamed his wife for making it - before finally declaring how important it is for Americans to see symbols like this, so we won’t forget our history.   Well, well!  So Michigan Senator Zorn tells a reporter this mask wasn’t actually a Confederate flag, eh?  Perhaps, and I’m no expert, but all I know is - this sure doesn’t look very much like the Michigan state flag.   That said, as dumb as wearing this mask to prevent the coronavirus may be - I suppose it’s still a helluva lot smarter than Trump’s idea of drinking bleach to prevent COVID-19.   Now, the question is, will this set those inquisitive, scientific Republican minds a wonder'n about if’n whether one of those fancy Klan hoods might also hel

Lysol Begs Consumers Not To Ingest Their Cleaning Products:   Shortly after President Trump floated his theory that injecting disinfectants could possibly help kill the coronavirus, the makers of some of the world’s most popular cleaning products including Lysol, issued a statement - practically begging consumers to NEVER ingest cleaning products in any manner.  In response, panicked senate Republican leaders scrambled to issue some cautionary advice to their Republican base, warning that if we allow them to prevent you from injecting your Lysol today - tomorrow, they’ll be coming for your Tide Pods.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Floats Treating COVID-19 Patients with Disinfectant Injections and Light:   Fresh off of advocating hydroxychloroquine as a coronavirus “miracle cure,” which now appears to kill more patients than it actually helps, President Trump led an unusually contentious coronavirus task force briefing on Thursday by floating the idea that people infected with COVID-19 - might be treated by injecting them with disinfectant and applications of ultraviolet light. Wow, this dude really knows his stuff!  I mean, just days after a new study declared his previous COVID-19 “miracle cure” to be both bogus and possibly even fatal   - epidemiologist Trump already has another new cure ready for us.  And to think he and Melania did all the research right there in the White House while under quarantine.  As they say, “may as well try it, what could it hurt?”  Not to mention, this idea of injecting disinfectant ought to work out perfect for most Trump supporters, given that so many of them al

Trump and Fox Now Both Silent on Miracle Cure Drug They Promoted:   Both President Trump and a slew of Fox News hosts have suddenly gone silent on the “miracle cure” they spent weeks promoting, following disappointing and perhaps even alarming new research about hydroxychloroquine as a treatment for COVID-19, after a study found the death rate among those given the drug was actually higher than for those who were not. Oh darn, I guess that hydroxychloroquine didn't work out so well, but come on!  I mean, how was our poor President supposed to know those meds weren’t really a miracle cure when he ordered 29 million doses?   Why, the only people who were complaining about pushing hydroxychloroquine at the time were the doctors and scientists.  You know, the same folks pushing all this crazy social distancing that shut down all Trump’s rallies and golf outings - not the experts like Lou Dobbs, Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity. I mean, just where’s a Trump supporter supp

Washington Governor Accuses Trump of Encouraging Domestic Rebellion:   After Donald Trump released a series of "LIBERATE" tweets, denouncing the coronavirus lockdown and calling for citizens to “liberate” certain US states with governors he dislikes - which far-right social media took as Trump signaling support for “boogaloo" - a term extremists use for a “planned armed insurrection,” Gov. Jay Inslee of Washington shot back by accusing the President of "fomenting domestic rebellion by encouraging illegal and dangerous acts of violence with his "unhinged rantings.” Wait a minute!  I thought the 2nd Amendment talked about "a well-regulated militia,” not an ignorant, obese and diabetic militia?  Hell, these folks don’t even qualify as a mob.  This is more like an uprising in some mental health facility.   Now, I realize how depressing it is, watching these aggressive, obnoxious, ignoramuses make threats against civilization itself, but it’s also i

Emboldened Wild Animals Venture Into Locked-Down Cities Worldwide:   As we humans continue to quarantine ourselves around the world, many city dwellers have been reporting seeing emboldened groups of wild animals roaming empty streets, trying to recapture what was once a bustling urban environment. Well, I’m not surprised one bit.  My guess is - the lazy bastards are here, hoping to snag a few of those big fat stimulus checks, right out of innocent citizen’s mailboxes.   Pretty stupid idea if you ask me.  Where the hell do they expect to cash those checks anyway?  Hell, nothing’s open!  And even if there were, good luck trying to show some photo ID.  I mean, not even a Trump University grad would be dumb enough to cash a check for some hairy-hoofed grifters, with antlers protruding out of their foreheads, who trots into some establishment “crying wolf.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Treasury Department Orders Trump’s Name Printed on Stimulus Checks:   In an unprecedented move, the Treasury Department has ordered that Donald Trump’s name be printed on all stimulus checks that the Internal Revenue Service is rushing to send out, a move which will likely even further delay their delivery. Now wait a minute, Trump’s gonna be the one signing these checks?  Don’t Donald Trump’s checks usually bounce?  Why, that’s just insane sending out paper checks with Trump’s signature on them!  On the other hand, I suppose it does kinda make sense.  After all, we do have a national shortage of toilet paper.   Hell, and while they’re at it, Treasury might just as well add the phrase "In Morons We Trust,” right above Trump’s image on the back of the checks.  So, what the hell are they planning on paying us in anyway - rubles?  Besides, what I really wanna know is, how the hell can a guy who doesn’t even pay any taxes - sign US Treasury checks?  If you ask me, Pel

Grocery Stores Reporting Many Customers Becoming Unruly:  Many grocery stores around the country are reporting that some customers are beginning to become somewhat unruly during the pandemic - as long lines and product shortages are causing tempers to flare.   I can relate,  Hell, I was minding my own business, while standing in line at Costco the other day, when this fella here tries to cut in front of me - and when I wouldn’t let him, he tried to start a fight.  And I gotta admit, I was more than willing to go at it with the big Poluka.   I’d love to tell you I won, but as many of you who’ve been in fights during the pandemic well know, it’s damn hard to win a fistfight - when neither fighter’s allowed to get within 6 feet of one another.  And, being socially responsible citizens, we both tried our best to honor that distance.   Anyway, the cashiers finally had to call the fight a draw and gave us both a handful of discount coupons for spray-on foot fungus medications

Health Officials Urge the Wearing of Masks and Social Distancing:   Health officials say that among the most important steps we can take to prevent the spread of the coronavirus these days are wearing a mask and practice social distancing of at least 6 feet. Well, I’m certainly all for social distancing, but to be honest - I'm starting to get the impression that some folks may be taking this social distancing idea just a wee bit too seriously. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Many Localities Now Requiring Some Sort of Face Mask:  Along with the social distancing healthcare professionals have been recommending, many communities around the country are now asking those who leave their homes, to not only stay the recommended 6 feet away from one another, but are also requiring everyone wear some sort of face mask. Face masks?  Got it covered!  I fact, I’ve not only been covering my nose and mouth, I’ve also taken additional steps to “cover my ass.”  I mean, the last thing we need is for that to start spreading all over the place.  Well, at least any more than it already has. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Americans Prefer Lip Service to Action:   Well, America - we're now finally "once again" down to "two corporate candidates." Americans have "once again" been convinced that pooling our resources together so WE ALL can have affordable healthcare is an insane, unaffordable, pie-in-the-sky concept, which apparently, every other industrialized country in world can afford - except ours. In exchange for taking concrete actions, we'll "once again" get nothing but lip service - words, promises and prayers. Now, we have as our last defense against this monster in the White House, a guy who (in recent interviews), cannot even complete simple thoughts or sentences - and these were in response to softball questions from places like MSNBC, Jimmy Kimmel and Katie Couric. How is he ever supposed to be able to debate a slick, con artist like Donald Trump? But, enough out of me. I think George Carlin sums it up much better than I ever could. http

Officials Charging People Who Deliberately Cough on Others With Terrorism:  As reports from all over the country circulate about people who’ve been using the coronavirus itself as a threat - by coughing on officers, threatening to cough on people around them, or contaminating merchandise at stores - more and more law enforcement agencies are now charging these perpetrators with “terrorism.” Wait a minute, charging folks who deliberately cough - with terrorism?  All I can say is, looks like I’ll be arrested and jailed immediately following my next prostate exam. But, forget about all that.  Hell, I get into a big coughing spell every time Trump opens his mouth about his wonderful coronavirus ratings or that damn hydroxychloroquine stuff he’s been hawking. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

People Having Trouble Finding Face Masks:  As some cities and states are considering making it mandatory to wear face masks when you leave home, many are reporting that it’s nearly impossible to find anyone who sells masks that can be delivered before summer. That said, here are some folks who are obviously a helluva lot smarter than me, who seem to have solved that problem. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Fires Inspector General Who Handled Impeachment Complaint:   In what critics say is basically a reprisal for “telling the truth,” President Trump has fired US Inspector General for the intelligence community Michael Atkinson - the man who first handled the complaint made by an anonymous CIA whistleblower that became the basis for Trump’s impeachment. Well, let’s try and remember, that these folks all serve at the pleasure of the President - and, as we all know, this President finds no pleasure in the truth, or anyone who dares tell it, for that matter.  Hell, “truthfulness” isn’t one of the characteristics Trump was even looking for in an Inspector General anyway.  Besides, Trump supporters aren’t concerned with the intelligence community’s truthful assessments anyway.  They much prefer to wait for the latest QAnon drop for their information.  Anyway, I suppose all this means that the departing Inspector General’s duties - will now be handed over to the man who seems

Mike Huckabee Claims COVID-19 Death Risk Small and Sin Risk Lethal:   Former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has stirred some controversy with medical professionals by claiming that the risk of death from coronavirus is very “minimal,” but “sin is 100% lethal. Oh, really Mike?  Then how about showing me a death certificate which lists “sin” as the primary cause of death.  Of course, the fact is, sin couldn’t be 100% lethal, or a guy like me wouldn’t even be alive to write this.   On the other hand, maybe you’re on to something Mike - and sin really is lethal, and I secretly used a “ghostwriter” to write this joke. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Cougars Venturing Into Quarantined Santiago for Food:   In a surreal image for this normally bustling city, cougars have been sighted venturing into the empty streets of Santiago - while everyone’s under quarantine.  Wildlife officials say the big cats are taking advantage of the empty streets to look for food. Oh, great!  So now you’re telling me that that not only do weary Santiago residents have to be fearful of contacting COVID-19 - but now, it seems they also can add getting eaten by lions to their nightmares?   A ll I can say to these lions is - if you’re looking for food, good luck trying to find a decent meal in Santiago these days.  Hell, nothin’s open.   Why, if one ever came into my restaurant, I doubt if I’d even serve ‘em.  Hell, those cougar’s table manners are so disgusting, my gu ess is - they’d run all the decent paying customers right out of the place . https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Louisiana Pastor Arrested for Holding Services with Over 1,100 Attendees:   Rev. Tony Spell of the Life Tabernacle Church, who repeatedly defied state orders prohibiting gatherings of more than 50 people by holding large church services with over 1100 attendees, was charged with six misdemeanor counts of violating a state ban on non-essential gatherings. Rev. Spell claims God spoke to him personally, and told him that “the virus is politically motivated” and to keep his church open, and that’s exactly what he intends to do.   Now that’s interesting, because God just spoke to me about an hour ago, and told me during this pandemic, it’s best to avoid close contact with anyone stupid enough to believe con artists like Rev. Spell. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com