You've Got to Be Kidding?

Scientists Making Strides Into How Dinosaurs May Have Mated:   Scientists from the University of Bristol and the University of Massachusetts Amherst revealed in the journal Current Biology that research on a Regaliceratops peterhewsi fossil, has allowed them to draw some rather interesting conclusions in their attempt to discover exactly how dinosaurs may have mated. Now, wait a minute!  Just what kind of people sit around thinking about dinosaurs having sex anyway?  Why, I certainly don’t.  I mean, I could have sworn that I saw a film way back when that claimed that the dinosaurs actually came into being through a cloning effort being conducted on some remote tropical island called Isla Nublar , just off Costa Rica.   Now, as far as dinosaurs mating, I’m quite sure -  as folks like Marjorie Taylor Greene or any good evangelical Donald Trump-loving Christian will tell you - “dinosaur mating happened when a mommy dinosaur and a daddy dinosaur loved each ...

New Findings Indicate Tyrannosaurs Likely Hunted in Packs:   Challenging long-held assumptions that the iconic dinosaurs were solitary predators, new fossils unearthed in Utah's Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument indicate that Tyrannosaurs probably hunted in packs.   The new findings could provide fresh support for the Biden administration as it considers expanding the boundaries of this once-protected area that former President Donald Trump cut in half back in 2017. Oh great - so now they tell me these monsters actually hunted in packs?   Oh how fun!  I guess that means that all my worst recurring nightmares - can now have a brand new theme.  Oh, so that doesn’t scare you at all?  Well sure, everybody thinks they’re a big tough guy, till a pack of these T-Rexes shows up down the block.  Hell, the way I look at it, about the only thing worse than being hunted down by a T-Rex - would be being hunted down by a whole pack of “We-Rexes.” Of c...

Study Identifies Largest Flying Creature That Ever Lived: Scientists have finally identified and unveiled a new airplane-sized species of pterosaur named Cryodrakon boreas, which scientists say was first discovered more than 30 years ago in Alberta, Canada - a species that lorded over the primeval skies in the late Cretaceous period. So, you’re telling me that scientists have finally figured out this gigantic beast was Canadian?  Hell, I’m no paleontologist, but even I could have even figured that out.  I mean, what the hell do they think that big “red maple leaf” on its back is all about?  In fact, my guess is - it must have been on some sort of prehistoric, Cretaceous era Air Canada flight, when it crashed. Of course, as we all know, air travel back in those days was quite a bit different than it is today.  Why, I’m told that on some non-stop Cretaceous period flights, you might even get served an entire barbecued stegosaurus for your in-flight meal, instead of...

New Study Finds Asteroid Impact and Not Volcanoes Wiped Out Dinosaurs:   USA Today reports that a new study confirms that it was definitively an asteroid impact, and not volcanic eruptions - that killed off most of the dinosaurs 66 million years ago. OK, but come on!  That was over 66 million years ago.  Doesn’t USA Today have any news to report that’s a little more recent than that?  Not surprisingly, the White House has reached a rather different conclusion on the issue than the scientists, and are blaming it all on the Obama Administration.    Frankly, I’m not so sure dinosaurs even existed in the first place.  I mean, if they did, why aren’t there any statues of them around, like there are with all the dead confederates?  The way I look at it, the dinosaurs could be just as much the vicious, ugly, and ignorant predators that the folks who support the confederacy were, so it only makes sense they deserve a few statues themselves. ...

Emboldened Wild Animals Venture Into Locked-Down Cities Worldwide:   As we humans continue to quarantine ourselves around the world, many city dwellers have been reporting seeing emboldened groups of wild animals roaming empty streets, trying to recapture what was once a bustling urban environment. Well, I’m not surprised one bit.  My guess is - the lazy bastards are here, hoping to snag a few of those big fat stimulus checks, right out of innocent citizen’s mailboxes.   Pretty stupid idea if you ask me.  Where the hell do they expect to cash those checks anyway?  Hell, nothing’s open!  And even if there were, good luck trying to show some photo ID.  I mean, not even a Trump University grad would be dumb enough to cash a check for some hairy-hoofed grifters, with antlers protruding out of their foreheads, who trots into some establishment “crying wolf.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Harvard Scientist Predicts Coronavirus May Infect 70% of Humanity:  Harvard University epidemiologist Marc Lipsitch is predicting the coronavirus "will ultimately not be containable,” and - within a year, could infect up to 70 percent of humanity. Well, that sounds rather comforting - to almost no one!  Anyway, I suppose I’d better get busy and stock up on some strong meds. I think about a case of Jack Daniels ought to do the trick. Now, on a positive note for Republicans, those figures only reflect the virus infecting humans, so that pretty much excludes anyone who’s ever served in the Trump Administration. And as for Trump himself, I think he’s pretty safe from ever coming in contact with the virus.  I mean, even Trump supporters know viruses don’t play golf. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Urges Boris Johnson to Celebrate After Landslide Victory:   US President Donald Trump is urging Boris Johnson to celebrate the conservatives' landslide election victory, which Trump claims will trigger a “massive” UK-US trade deal. Gee, it’s really touching to see two leading con-artists bonding like that.  And celebrate indeed!  Of course, to be done right, a celebration of that importance would need to be held on a Trump property.  You know, like Trump’s Turnberry Resort in Scotland. But anyway, congratulations UK!  You said “screw all this international cooperation nonsense!”  Let’s promote ethnic nationalism and go back to dividing ourselves up into isolated, little nation-states - each looking at the other with suspicion and envy.  After all, we all know how well that approach worked out back in the 1930’s.  And come on, this is 2019.  I mean, it isn’t as if we have an interdependent, international economy that requir...

Study Identifies Largest Flying Creature That Ever Lived:   Scientists have finally identified and unveiled a new airplane-sized species of pterosaur named Cryodrakon boreas, which scientists say was first discovered more than 30 years ago in Alberta, Canada - a species that lorded over the primeval skies in the late Cretaceous period. Wow, isn’t it totally exciting when science make these interesting new discoveries?  Now, it’s simply a matter of time before all those YouTube videos start coming out, claiming recent sightings.  Those folks never disappoint my friends.    And, they’re saying "these remains were actually first discovered more than 30 years ago in Alberta, Canada?”  I guess that pretty much explains the red maple leaf on its back.  Wonder how the hell they were able to figure out the creature flew for Air Canada? But what the hell do I know?  I mean, I’m certainly no expert on dinosaurs, pterosaurs or even Air Canad...

Half-Ton Birds Were Roaming Europe When Humans Arrived:   Scientists report that giant, flightless birds, so large that they actually dwarfed modern ostriches and weighed-in at nearly half a ton, were roaming Europe at the same time the first archaic humans arrived in the area from Africa.   Look, I’m obviously no paleontologist, but if I’m understanding this article correctly - they’re basically explaining to us that just as we once had some banks that became “too big to fail,” Europe had itself a bunch of half-ton birds who became “too fat to fly?” OK, so the birds were a little on the chunky size.  We get that.  Not to sound critical of our scientific community, but just what the hell is point of “fat-shaming” a bunch of extinct, half ton, flightless birds at this stage of the game?  Especially, when they’re no longer here to defend themselves.  Besides, maybe they were just “big-boned?”  You big-shot paleontologists ever think about t...

Neanderthals Split From Humans Much Earlier Than Thought:   A new study suggests that modern humans may have split from our closest relatives the Neanderthals over 800,000 years ago, hundreds of thousands of years earlier than had been previously thought.  That said, researchers say they still managed to get together every year or so for family reunions. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Jeff Bezos Envisions Space Habitats Housing a Trillion People:   During a recent secretive event in Washington DC, Jeff Bezos outlined his ambitious, futuristic vision for space colonization, including self-sustaining habitats that could house a trillion people in space and have an ideal climate at all times - like Maui on its best day all year long.  Yea well, good luck meeting Amazon Prime’s two-day delivery promise on that one - Mr Smartypants. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Shocking New Study Reveals Moon is Shrinking Due to Moonquakes:   Accor...

Scientists Have Good Idea About the Origin of the Loch Ness Monster:   A new study suggests that the idea of a Loch Ness monster is a mass delusion triggered by the discovery of long-necked dinosaurs.  Prior to that, only about 10% of people claiming to see mysterious creatures said they were long-necked, but afterwards, that figure grew to over 50%.  Hell, it doesn’t take some scientist to figure out where the idea of a Loch Ness Monster comes from.  Why it comes from the Scottish Board of Tourism.  So, if you’re one of those people running around shouting “the Pleistocene will rise again,” you may as well just “forget about it!”  To put it bluntly - there is no such thing as a Loch Ness Monster!  It’s all a big hoax, and if you don’t believe me - I got that information directly from Bigfoot.  Besides, as everyone knows, if a monster like this really existed - it would obviously be living somewhere in Florida, not Scotland. https:...

Scientology Members Now Consider Tom Cruise a Deity:   New reports from inside the church, say actor Tom Cruise is now considered a deity among members of Scientology.  No kidding?  Hell, I always assumed God would be a whole lot taller - you know, like David Koresh.  But it makes sense though.  After all, it’s a well known fact that any deity worth his salt has had at least 3 failed marriages.  So there’s that. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say Scotty the T. Rex Is the Heaviest Ever Found:   Paleontologists have concluded that the remains of a 30-year-old Tyrannosaurus rex fossil nicknamed “Scotty,” which was found in the Saskatchewan province of Canada in the 1990s - is the heaviest (at 19,555 pounds) and oldest of its kind ever found.  Wow, just imagine how long “Scotty” might have lived had he taken better care of himself?  That said, it’s kind of scary to think that even millions of years after you’re dead, p...

Woman Rages Over Being Seated Between Obese Passengers:   An out of control woman on a United Airlines flight was reportedly removed from the plane after raging against the “big fat pigs” she was seated in between.  When flight attendants agreed to allow her to sit elsewhere, she continued yelling at the larger passengers saying “I eat salads, okay!”  All I can say is, had they moved her next to me, I would have told her “I eat bean burritos - okay?  So you might wanna consider sitting on the other side of the plane.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Prehistoric Flutes Found in German Cave:   A new report in the Journal of Human Evolution determined that prehistoric flutes found in a cave in southwestern Germany date back 42,000 years.  While archeologists say they have no idea what type of music the cavemen played on the flutes, my guess is it was “rock” music.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Know Why Some D...

PETA Launches Campaign to End Anti-Animal Language:   The animal's rights group is being heavily criticized for comparing "anti-animal" idioms to racism, homophobia, and other discriminatory language.  And don’t I know it!  I mean, my cat’s reported me to PETA numerous times for using anti-animal language around the house with such cruel, hateful phrases like “it’s time for your bath,” or “now get down off the kitchen drainboard,” and of course, perhaps the most heinous phrase of them all - “now get in your carrier, we’re going to see the vet.”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Finnish Scientists Develop First-Ever Vaccine for Dying Bees:   Scientists in Finland say they may have a way to save the dying bee population, as they have just developed an edible vaccine for the prominent and deadly bacterial disease “ American Foulbrood ," which spreads very rapidly and destroys entire honeybee populations.  Researchers say that now they’ve finishe...

Chinese Scientist Uses Crispr to Make First Genetically Edited Babies:   In what is being described as both a profound leap of science and ethics, a scientist in China announced that he had created the world’s first genetically edited babies, altering a gene in the embryos that would make the babies resistant to HIV infection.  Of course, everyone will complain like crazy about the ethics of this technology - at least until their favorite NBA team sends their newly recruited 8’9” center out on the court. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    MIT Scientists Create A Plane That Flies With No Moving Parts:   Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute Of Technology (MIT) have created a plane with an ion drive that flies - even though it has no moving parts whatsoever.  Hell, what’s the big deal about that?  I mean, as far I could tell - every time I had sex with my ex, she had absolutely no moving parts either. https://www.johnnyrobishc...

Trump Visits Pittsburgh to Console Jewish Mourners:  Amid thousands of protestors, President Donald Trump visited the Pittsburgh synagogue to offer condolences to Jewish worshipers who were mourning the 11 people shot to death during Sabbath prayers.  Why, what a sweet gesture for the Trumps to go and offer condolences to mourners at a synagogue that was all shot up by one of his rabid followers who committed the crime after becoming all fired up by the President’s inflammatory, conspiracy theory-laden speeches.  And look, it kind of appears that Melania may have even brought pizza for everyone to snack on.  It doesn’t get sweeter than that! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com     Trump to Sign Executive Order to End Birthright Citizenship:  Declaring that “birthright citizenship has to end,” President Trump promised loyal followers he will sign an executive order to end the centuries-long, 14th amendment-protected practice.  Gee, appa...

Vintage German Plane Crashes Onto California Freeway:  Fortunately, no one was injured as a vintage German aircraft with markings of Germany’s Luftwaffe, crashed onto the 101 Freeway in the Los Angeles area and burst into flames.  Now I’m certainly so aviation expert, but I do know this - if there was a beagle at the controls of the other plane, then Snoopy wins again! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Taller People at Greater Risk of Cancer:   New research has suggests taller people have a significantly greater risk of cancer because they are bigger and so have more cells in their bodies in which dangerous cancerous mutations can occur.  Well, I guess that’s basically the long and the short of it.  Meanwhile, health officials have begun urging taller people to walk hunched-over with the hope cancer cells won’t realize how tall you actually are. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Shallow Waters Allowed Early Creatures to Experiment Wit...

Piranha-Like Fish Fossil Discovered in Germany:   Researchers say they’ve discovered an ancient Piranha-like fish in Germany - a fish that would have been capable of ripping the flesh right off the bones of its prey.  Scientists say these finds are normally rather difficult to date, but luckily - the fish was found wrapped in a very old New York Times crossword puzzle section, so they just dated it using that. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Amazon Rolls Out Whisper Mode for Alexa:   Amazon is rolling out its “Whisper Mode” for all its Alexa products - with the smart assistant responding in kind to your whispered commands.  This whisper feature is expected to be extremely useful to protect the confidentiality of people sooooo stupid that they have to ask Alexa questions such as “who is the President of Puerto Rico?” or “can the baby get pregnant if a woman has sex with a man during pregnancy?”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Clim...

Users Claim iPhone XS Camera is Automatically Smoothing Skin:   Some users are complaining the new technology on the Apple iPhone XS and XS Max 8-megapixel camera is making self-portraits appear just a little too good by aggressively smoothing out the skin so that the photo almost looks as if its been photoshopped.  Interesting - and what did they say was the bad news? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Facebook Hacked and 50 Million Accounts Compromised:   Facebook announced that some 50 million accounts have been hacked, but the company was unsure whether the affected accounts were actually accessed.  Gee, not quite sure what those bad guys are gonna do with a bunch of marriage and baby shower announcements...but have fun. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say Argentinosaurus Was Largest Dinosaur Ever:  Scientists have determined that the long-necked Argentinosaurus was the biggest dinosaur that ever lived - weighing in at...

Royal Family Stunned Prince Harry Skipped Hunting Tradition:  The royal family is reportedly shocked that Prince Harry skipped out on the royal grouse hunt which has been a tradition since 1853, because of Meghan Markle’s strong opposition to animal cruelty.  Now I realize I should care deeply about this - but oddly enough, it doesn’t seem that I do - go figure!  So they decided not to kill bunch of birds and went to see a play instead?  Perhaps they are human after all.  Anyway, even if they didn’t go grouse hunting, Harry and Meghan did manage to “kill-off” a couple of pints of Newcastle Brown Ale after watching Hamilton.  I mean, that oughta count for something.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Trials on Beneficial effects of Microdosing LSD Set To Begin:   A novel experiment launching this month will investigate whether microdosing LSD really does have benefits - which many Silicon Valley geeks have been taking to sharpen their...