You've Got to Be Kidding?

Apple Granted Restraining Order Against Man Stalking Tim Cook:   Apple has filed a temporary restraining order against a man it says has been harassing and making subtle threats against CEO Tim Cook as well as other members of Apple's executive team.  Oh, for crying out loud - Bill Gates, learn to control your anger! One thing's for sure, we definitely know it wasn’t President Trump, because he’s been too busy harassing some guy named “Tim Apple.” But all kidding aside, the judge apparently considered the threat to be so serious, he not only ordered the guy to stay at least 100 feet away from Tim Cook, but also a 100 feet away from all Apple products. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Apple Will Donate $2.5 Billion to Create Affordable Housing:   Apple is pledging $2.5 billion in an effort to help combat current housing crisis, which they hope to use in an effort to create more “affordable housing.”   Well, how very nice of Apple to donate $2.5 billion to create more housing in the Bay Area’s insanely expensive housing market, but frankly - I don’t think adding three or four more houses is gonna be quite enough to solve the problem. I mean, not to sound skeptical, but I rather suspect that what the CEO of a company like Apple, who’s currently selling $1500 telephones - and what you and I consider as “affordable,” may differ somewhat.  But that’s just me. http://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Louisiana Man Claims Ghost Planted Meth at His Home:   A 59-year-old Louisiana man who called police to his home was charged with possession of a controlled substance and giving a false police report after falsely claiming to have been stabbed in the head with an axe and claiming that it was actually a ghost who planted the crystal meth that authorities found on his nightstand.  First of all, why is it that whenever a meth addict gets arrested, they always seem to be wearing a white t-shirt?  Anyway, I have no sympathy.  I mean, this guy is obviously old enough to know that it’s never a good idea to trust a ghost carrying a pickaxe and a vile of crystal meth. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Weird Goblin Planet Found On The Edge Of Solar System:   A strange little dwarf planet that travels the fringes of our solar system with a diameter of just 186 miles has been determined to have a 40,000-year orbit.  You mean to tell me a year there is rea...

Users Claim iPhone XS Camera is Automatically Smoothing Skin:   Some users are complaining the new technology on the Apple iPhone XS and XS Max 8-megapixel camera is making self-portraits appear just a little too good by aggressively smoothing out the skin so that the photo almost looks as if its been photoshopped.  Interesting - and what did they say was the bad news? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Facebook Hacked and 50 Million Accounts Compromised:   Facebook announced that some 50 million accounts have been hacked, but the company was unsure whether the affected accounts were actually accessed.  Gee, not quite sure what those bad guys are gonna do with a bunch of marriage and baby shower announcements...but have fun. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say Argentinosaurus Was Largest Dinosaur Ever:  Scientists have determined that the long-necked Argentinosaurus was the biggest dinosaur that ever lived - weighing in at...

Amazon Doubles Profits - Then Hikes Prime Membership Fees:   After announcing that profits more than doubled in the first quarter, Amazon said they will be hiking their fees of the popular Amazon Prime service by 20% to $119 a year.  Profits double and they’re raising their Prime membership fees?  Good grief, Jeff Bezos is the richest man in the world - just how much more money does need?  I’m guessing $127 Billion just doesn’t stretch like it used to - especially when you factor in things like this Amazon Prime rate hike. http://www.johnnyrobish.com  Space Agencies Plan to Deliver Mars Rocks to Earth:   NASA and ESA have signed a letter of intent that could lead to the first "round trip" to another planet (Mars), where they would retrieve rocks from the Martian surface and then send them back on Earth for study.  Yea, like we don’t already have enough rocks here on Earth!  How about just following me around while I try and mow the ba...

Trump EPA Chief Has Unusual Waiver to Fly in First Class:   The Environmental Protection Agency is refusing to release the written waiver that allows Administrator Scott Pruitt to fly regularly in first or business class for security reasons - a practice that sets him apart both from his predecessors and other current Cabinet members.  I get it - I mean, if you’re the head of an agency promoting a clean environment, the last thing you wanna do is be associated with all that disgusting filth sitting back in coach. http://www.johnnyrobish.com Bill Gates Announces Foundation to Focus on Conquering Polio:  Bill Gates announced that one of the top priorities of his foundation will be to finally completely wipe out polio.  If successful conquering polio, Gate’s will then focus on ridding humanity of what he considers to be an even bigger plight - the Mac Operating System.  http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Man Holds Up Waffle House With Pitc...

Laura Ingraham Thinks Athletes Should Shut Up and Dribble:   Fox News host Laura Ingraham is being accused of racism after she replied to NBA star LeBron James’ statement that “Donald Trump doesn’t “give a f**k about the people” by saying athletes like him should stay out of politics and just “shut up and dribble.”  Now let’s see here, we have a loud-mouthed reality star, a bully, a pathological liar, a serial philanderer and misogynist and - possibly even a traitor currently sitting in the White House.  Given that, I think I’d rather listen to LeBron James' thoughts and concerns about the world situation anytime before I would Donald Trump’s.  Gee, wonder if Laura Ingraham’s ever suggested that Donald Trump “shut up?” http://www.johnnyrobish.com   Apple Employees Repeatedly Walking Into Glass Walls on New Campus:  While Apple’s new spaceship campus if a sight to behold, Bloomberg is reporting that distracted employees are repeatedly bangi...