You've Got to Be Kidding?

Televangelist Claims Veggie Burgers are a Satanic Plot to Alter Our DNA: Christian televangelist Rick Wiles is warning his audience that the popularity of plant-based alternatives to meat and dairy products are part of a satanic plot to alter human DNA and create a race of soulless creatures, who will no longer be willing or able to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. Wow, and who knew?  Now, while I’m sure some of you are laughing, Pastor Wiles does bring up a valid point.  I mean, when’s the last time you’ve seen someone accepting Jesus Christ as their personal savior - while they were busy gobbling down a veggie burger? Now, some may ask, if Lucifer is nefariously altering the DNA of unsuspecting diners eating veggie burgers - then why doesn’t God just issue some sort of a “software update,” which would repair the poor schmuck’s DNA?  After all, wasn’t God the one who designed these folks in the first place?   Perhaps, but if I’m understanding Pastor Wiles’ analysis

More Takeaways From the Trump NY Times Tax Return Bombshell:  Experts say the IRS may scrutinize the legitimacy of many of those personal expenses President Trump claimed as business-related costs, which were cited in the recent bombshell New York Times article - such as $70,000 for haircuts in one year and hefty consulting fees paid to his daughter Ivanka. Well, what I can’t get over is - the $70,000 he claims he spent on his hair.  Good grief, is it just me, or should the real story here read - “Donald Trump was Robbed!”  I mean, who the hell recommended his stylist?  That North Korean guy?  All kidding aside, it’s just insane spending money like that on haircuts!  Why, you don’t see Stephen Miller or Steve Bannon spending 70 grand on their hair. So, it turns out that Trump “the billionaire,” is actually the Trump - the “broke bloke,” who’s a whopping half-billion dollars in debt!  Now, I suppose if there’s anything positive about this “dystopian mess” Trump’s got us in, it’s t

NY Times Report Claims Trump Paid No Taxes 10 of last 15 Years:  According to a Sunday The New York Times report, President Donald Trump paid no federal income taxes at all in 10 of the past 15 years, while paying only $750 in years 2016 and 2017. Of course, Trump is claiming this is nothing more than fake news.  Hell, no kidding?  Well then, it’s a damn shame there isn’t some sort of form or document Trump could release, that would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt the NY Times story is bogus.  You know, a document that would conclusively show Trump paid his fair share in taxes, just like the rest of us - but apparently, documents like that don’t even exist. So, my-oh-my!  To think this poor Trump fellow made so damn little money, that he only had a $750 tax liability?  Why, that must make him just about one the lowest-paid wage earners employed over at Mar-a-Lago.   Hell, my neighbor’s 15-year-old grandson paid more taxes than that, delivering pizzas over summer.  Of course, to

Hundreds Turn Out in Portland for Proud Boys Rally:   Hundreds of extremist, right-wing, white supremacist protesters from the Proud Boys organization, attended demonstrations in Portland, Ore. on Saturday in support of President Trump and his "law and order" reelection campaign. Now, for those of you who are not exactly sure who the hell these Proud Boys are, they kind of remind me of the Village People, only these guys can’t sing.  Frankly, I think “Putin’s Boys” would have been a better choice for a name, but that’s just me.  One thing’s for sure, no one is ever gonna refer to these half-wits as the "Smart Boys.” That said, I do have to admit that rallies like this serve to remind me just how much President Trump is doing to bring the races in our country back together again.  Of course, he’s bringing them back together to beat the hell out of each other, but he’s definitely bringing them back together and - the White House feels that ought to count for something

Amy Coney Barrett To Be Trump’s Nominee to Fill Ginsburg Seat:   President Trump has told people around him that he plans to nominate federal appeals court Judge Amy Coney Barrett to fill the Supreme Court vacancy left by the death of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  Judge Barrette is a devote Catholic and a deeply conservative jurist who, for many years described her legal career as being only a means to an end, “and that end is building the Kingdom of God.”  Well, happy days!  I’m sure Judge Barrett will simply be thrilled to accept the President’s nomination for the Supreme Court - that is, assuming her husband says it’s OK.  Of course, as one might expect, selecting someone who holds such deeply religious and partisan views as Judge Barrett, is likely to stir up quite a bit of controversy.    However, let’s remember what President Trump once asked, “what have you got to lose?”  And, the answer is nothing - other than gay marriage, laws protecting civil liberties, the Voting Rights Act

Vatican Cardinal in Charge of Saint Making Resigns Amid Financial Scandal:   The powerful head of the Vatican’s “saint-making office,” Cardinal Angelo Becciu, resigned suddenly Thursday from his post and renounced his rights as a cardinal, amid an investigation into a shady London real estate financial deal that reportedly implicates him. Well, this is certainly disappointing.  I mean, if you can’t even trust the guy who authenticates if that’s really the Virgin Mary’s image you’re seeing in that piece of burnt toast, who can you trust?  But, gee whiz!  This had to have been the real estate deal from Hell - in order to take down a powerful guy like Becciu.  Anyway, I think we can safely assume that this Becciu character is definitely no saint.   The truth is, Becciu would probably be much better suited in a job identifying devils and demons instead of identifying saints.  And, there should be plenty of work.  After all, there sure seems to be no shortage of devils running around

Trump Refuses to Commit to Peaceful Transition of Power:   When pressed by a reporter, President Donald Trump refused to commit to a peaceful transition of power should he lose the election in November, saying he needs to “see what happens," and then went into a rant about how there wouldn’t even be a need for a transition, if we didn’t permit mail-in ballots. Now, while this may scare the bejesus out of some of you, I do see his point.  After all, how is a President like Donald Trump supposed to consider this election valid, if people are allowed to vote him right out of office?  Why, that doesn’t make any sense at all.  Who’d be for that? Besides, isn’t it dangerous to change direction in the middle of a huge crisis like a pandemic?  I mean, we already have over 200,000 Americans dead from this “Democrat hoax.”  Isn’t that about enough suffering!   We should thank goodness that we have a President who’s savvy enough to understand this pandemic for what it really is - noth

Finland Deploying Coronavirus-Sniffing Dogs at Helsinki Airport:   Finland is in the process of launching a “coronavirus-sniffing-dog pilot program” at Helsinki Airport, hoping the dogs will eventually be playing a major role in screening for COVID-19, with the added benefit that results will be delivered within 10 seconds.  Now, when they say they’re implementing a “coronavirus-sniffing dog pilot program,” does that mean both the dogs and the pilots are gonna be sniffing us?  Because if it does, I certainly hope we get a choice about who’s gonna be doing the sniffing.  After all, how the hell you supposed to bribe a pilot with a Milkbone Dog Biscuit?  Even so, I do have to admit, this is a rather brilliant idea!  I mean, dog’s work cheap, and you get instant “Lab results.”  Of course, results aren’t always gonna be 100% accurate.  For example, my neighbor’s chocolate Lab seems to be convinced that I have the coronavirus in my crotch. Anyway, while this may be a great first

New Book Implies Robert Mueller Was Negligent in Trump Investigation:   Andrew Weissmann, one of Robert Mueller’s top deputies in the special counsel’s investigation of the 2016 election, revealed in a new book that Robert Mueller neglected to fully investigate the President's financial ties to Russia, including the Trump bank account which sent hush payments to Stormy Daniels, an account which also contained funds deposited by a Russian oligarch. Now, some folks are gonna claim that Robert Mueller failed to follow through on obvious leads and therefore really dropped the ball in his investigation.  Personally, I disagree.  Why, if you ask me, Robert Mueller didn’t drop any balls.  In fact, far from it.  That’s because if Robert Mueller demonstrated anything, it was simply that - he doesn’t even have any balls. Anyway, everything else aside - all this further demonstrates how this Trump fellow is really “one evil dude.”  I guess that pretty much explains why a guy in his physi

Pastor Rick Joyner Claims God Wants Christian Veterans to Lead Good Militias:   Right-wing MorningStar Ministries Pastor Rick Joyner, recently appeared on “The Jim Bakker Show” to claim that God told him in a dream that He wants all Christian veterans to join up and lead local militias, because God expects Christians to take sides in the “upcoming civil war.” Gee, can anyone spell “sedition?”  Now, it’s a pretty safe bet Donald Trump can’t, but it sure sounds like Rick Joyner’s got it down.  So, it seems Pastor Joyner had a dream that God wants him to tell American Christians to prepare to kill fellow Americans who don’t fully share in Pastor Joyner’s religious beliefs?  Now, I’m admittedly no theologian, but his dreams sure do seem quite a bit different than the ones Dr. Martin Luther King had. Of course, if fighting does break out, don’t expect Pastor Joyner to be anywhere even close to where any shooting might take place.  After all, his job is to shoot off his mouth, not a loa

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Dead at 87:   Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the liberal leader of the Supreme Court, who left a lasting mark in the realm of civil liberties, as well as gender and pay equality, and who oddly grew to achieve improbable late-in-life recognition as a pop-culture hero and icon of the progressive movement - has died at age 87. Geez, gut-punched by 2020 yet again!  Too bad, I was kind of hoping we still had at least four weeks or so, before the entire country completely implodes.  This, ought to take hostilities to a whole new level.  Meanwhile, Republican cultists are already salivating over the thought of another right-wing justice.  I guess they can’t even wait till the body goes cold.  I can just hear Trump now, ”Good riddance RBG!  You never said any nice things about me anyway.”   Meanwhile, it looks like Trump has somehow managed to “fail upward” once again.  Perhaps he should consider having someone ghostwrite a book for him about how he consistent

Trump Claims CDC Director Mistaken About Vaccine Timing:   President Trump repeatedly contradicted one of his top health officials, claiming that Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Director Robert Redfield, was both confused and wrong when he said a vaccine will likely not be ready until mid-2021, and that masks may actually be more effective than a vaccine in protecting individuals from the virus. Well, I guess it all boils down to “just who are you going to trust?”  On the one hand, we have a well-credentialed doctor and a scientist - and on the other, a wealthy, pampered, spoiled, willfully ignorant man-child - who stared directly into an eclipse and believes wind mills cause cancer?  I get it - those are some tough choices.   OK, but then just ask yourself, when’s the last time you were out somewhere in public, and heard someone cry out "Help, my husband’s having a heart attack!  Is there a sleazy, New York real estate developer with mob ties in the house?”

Pro-Trump Youth Group Enlists Teens in Secretive Troll Farm:   Facebook and Twitter are investigating the accounts of numerous teenage social media trolls, many of whom are minors who’ve been recruited and paid to pump out fake, inflammatory, extremest political messages, all under the direction of Turning Point Action, the prominent conservative, Pro-Trump youth organization - based in Phoenix, Arizona. My goodness, when Trump promised he'd bring jobs back to the United States, who could have imagined he meant Russian and Ukrainian troll farms?  Now, if they’re smart, they’ll accompany every post with a super “patriotic slogan,” such as “this website is being trolled by 100% American trolls, employed right here in the good old USA!” Gee, I wonder what they’re calling this group anyway - “Twittler Youth?”  All I know is, Trump’s been claiming without evidence for a helluva long time now, that this upcoming election is gonna be “rigged.”  Well, looks like he’s finally gotten ar

Top HHS Official Advises Trump Supporters to Buy Ammunition:  Michael Caputo, a top communications official at the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), urged President Trump’s supporters during a recent Facebook Live chat - to prepare for an armed insurrection after a contested election, and accused government research scientists of “sedition.”   During that chat, Caputo also complained he’s been under heavy attack by the media and that his “mental health has definitely failed,” noting he’s been seeing “long black shadows on the ceilings of his apartment.”  Hmmmm, so his “mental health” failed him did it?  Well, I guess that pretty much explains why Trump hired him in the first place - and, for that matter, why Caputo would even accept the job.  Even so, what’s the big deal?  I mean, so we happen to have a paranoid, political hack and former Vladimir Putin media consultant, publicly having a mental breakdown, while advocating armed insurrection against the United States,

Study Identifies Largest Flying Creature That Ever Lived: Scientists have finally identified and unveiled a new airplane-sized species of pterosaur named Cryodrakon boreas, which scientists say was first discovered more than 30 years ago in Alberta, Canada - a species that lorded over the primeval skies in the late Cretaceous period. So, you’re telling me that scientists have finally figured out this gigantic beast was Canadian?  Hell, I’m no paleontologist, but even I could have even figured that out.  I mean, what the hell do they think that big “red maple leaf” on its back is all about?  In fact, my guess is - it must have been on some sort of prehistoric, Cretaceous era Air Canada flight, when it crashed. Of course, as we all know, air travel back in those days was quite a bit different than it is today.  Why, I’m told that on some non-stop Cretaceous period flights, you might even get served an entire barbecued stegosaurus for your in-flight meal, instead of that tiny bag of s

Mostly Maskless Supporters Rally for the President in Nevada:   President Trump held another one of his controversial campaign rallies in Reno, Nev. on Saturday, with supporters crammed next to one another shoulder to shoulder, many not even bothering to wear protective face masks. Gee, I sure hope all those Trump supporters are gonna be OK.  Especially, given the fact that Kyle Rittenhouse is currently indisposed, and won’t be available to provide his very “special brand” of security he brings to political gatherings.   Interestingly, while looking over the crowd, one gets a rather surprising sense of just who these Trump fans really are.  Not only are they the usual elderly white folks, but also middle aged whites, and even a strong spattering of younger white people.  I mean, you wanna talk about diversity!     Hell, I might have even watched the event, but I’ve - of course - already seen this show many, many times before.  Besides, the entire evening can basically be summed

Forty-Pound African Serval on the Loose in New Hampshire:   Police in Merrimack, New Hampshire, are alerting nearby residents to be on the lookout for a large exotic pet, a 40-pound African serval named Spartacus - who has wandered away from its home.   Police caution, that while the animal “is more or less domesticated,” it would be a hazard for domestic cats, dogs, small animals, chickens and livestock. No kidding, so it’s “more or less domesticated” is it?  And, while I certainly hope this cat is safe and gets returned home to its family real soon, I’m not so sure all their unsuspecting neighbors are gonna fully share my well-wishes on that issue. And the thing is, while I realize New Hampshire’s state motto is "Live free or die,” - I think in this case, something like "I'll live free - while you die,” would describe the situation a wee-bit more accurately.  Oh well, perhaps neighbors can take some comfort in knowing at least they’re not gonna be the ones who hav

Trump Admits Intentionally Playing Down the Deadly Coronavirus:   The President’s top advisers have been scrambling to contain the fallout from a forthcoming Bob Woodward book, in which a snarky President Trump acknowledged he deliberately played down the horrific and deadly nature of the rapidly spreading coronavirus last winter, in an attempt to avoid a creating a “frenzy.” Oh, how considerate of you Mr President!  I know the last thing you’d ever wanna do, is create a “ frenzy .”  Especially, after you’ve already created a “ panic ,” telling white suburbanites that black people and Antifa are on their way “to burn down all your homes and your cities.” My goodness, let’s hope all this negative publicity doesn’t hurt your chances to snag that Nobel Peace Prize.  Meanwhile, when asked by his pals over at Fox News, the President snarled that he wouldn’t be reading Bob Woodward’s book.  No kidding!  Why, you’d have to know how to read, to do that.   Now, the President could alway

US Justice Dept Asks to Defend Trump in Rape Accuser’s Defamation Lawsuit:   Bill Barr’s U.S. Justice Department is seeking to take over Donald Trump’s defense in a defamation lawsuit from a writer who accused him of rape, while additionally instructing federal lawyers to ask the court to allow a move which could very likely put American taxpayers on the hook for any money she might be awarded. So, US Attorney General Barr wants to order the Department of Justice to represent Donald Trump, in a lawsuit over something that happened long before he was ever even elected?  Hell, and while they’re at it, why not just use HUD employees to answer the maintenance calls at Trump hotels?   Anyway, if I’m understanding Attorney General Barr’s interpretation of the law correctly, Donald Trump is now not only “President” of the United States - but has also literally “ become ” the United States.  And the US Department of Justice?  Simply a sub-division of the greater Trump Organization.  No

Trump Felt Paying Off Stormy Daniels Was Cheaper Than Paying Off Melania:   A leaked excerpt from Michael Cohen’s new tell-all book, claims Donald Trump felt that paying hush-money to adult film star Stormy Daniels would be a helluva lot cheaper than paying off Melania, calling the $130,000 just “pocket change” and adding that his supporters might think it was super "cool” if they found out he slept with a porn star. Cool indeed!  Because, as we all know, porn stars are “ extremely picky" about who they have sex with.  Sadly though, those Trump supporters can basically forget about that “cool factor.”  The truth is, Trump paid Stormy off to keep her mouth shut during the election - not for the sex.   So, the bottom line is, we have a President, beloved by the evangelical Christian crowd - who ranks women by how much it costs to sleep with them.  That sure ought to boost his standing with female voters, or at least with the ones who’ve never completed 5th grade.  Anywa

DHS to Label White Supremacists as the Most Lethal Threat to US:   A new report says the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), is set to label “white supremacists" as the most serious terror threat facing the United States, describing the white supremacy threat as even more significant than the danger coming from foreign terrorists. Well, one thing’s for sure, after a report like that comes out - they’ll soon be a few people over at DHS looking for some new gigs.  After all, you can’t just have people going around, insulting the boss’s closest friends like that.   That said, and to be completely fair, the President could never really be a full-on supporter of something like “white supremacy," simply because the only kind of supremacy someone like a Donald Trump could ever really get behind - would be his own.     Meanwhile, outraged White House officials are disputing the DHS findings, claiming that the real threat to our way of life, is actually coming from all thos

White House Directs Federal Agencies to Cancel Race-Related Training:   President Trump is directing all federal agencies to cease and desist using taxpayer dollars for “racial sensitivity training,” which the President describes as “divisive” and “un-American.” What the hell?  So, I guess Trump, in his effort to make us all forget about his disdain for American soldiers, has decided to go full-on KKK.  Hell, if anyone needs racial sensitivity training, it’s certainly Donald J. Trump.  One thing’s for sure, all pretense has now been dropped.  This is nothing short of full-on white nationalist stuff folks.   Now, I realize that many people also believe Trump is lazy, but this proves that behind the scenes, our President has been busy working his “white hood” off - trying to implement his race agenda.  Mark my words, expect sexual harassment training to be the next to go, replaced by “how-to” classes - and taught by Donald J. Trump himself. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

White House Tries to Clarify Trump Remarks on Voting Twice:   In a recent interview on Fox News, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany insisted that President Trump was not suggesting anyone “do anything unlawful” when he encouraged voters to test the system by voting both by mail and in person. McEnany explained that while the President did suggest that voters who’d already mailed in their ballots also go to the polls on election day, it was only to “verify” that their mailed in ballots had been properly counted.  Oh, I get it, it’s one of those - “Sure, I broke into the bank, but only to test if their alarm system was working properly.”   Why, if one didn’t know better, one might think that the very guy who’s been warning us about "mail-in voter fraud," is actually promoting “voter fraud.”  I mean, let’s get real here.  It would make just about as much sense to go to the polls to see if your Amazon order’s been shipped yet - then it would to check if your vote’

Attorney General Barr Likens Mail-In Voting to Playing with Fire:   In a testy interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer,   Attorney General William Barr echoed President Trump’s attacks on widespread use of mail-in ballots during the pandemic, calling them “playing with fire.” Wow, I really appreciate the heads-up Mr. Attorney General.  Luckily for America, President Trump, Attorney General Barr and Postmaster General Louis DeJoy have all put their heads together, and have come up with a solution to this horrifying mail-in threat to our democracy - destroy the Post Office. Of course, the Attorney General really does have a valid point here.  After all, just because widespread voter fraud hasn't happened yet, even though millions of mail-in ballots have been cast since the Civil War, doesn’t mean there’s absolutely no possibly it could ever could.   Now, if I were Attorney General Barr, I would tried to further bolster my argument with that pesky Wolf Blitzer, by pointing out t

Trump Promotes Conspiracy About Plane Entirely Filled with Antifa Thugs:   As he continues to slide in the polls, President Trump has been frequently relying on outrageous conspiracy theories, in an effort to define rival Joe Biden as simply a “front” for lawless anarchists, with an agenda controlled “by people in dark shadows.” In fact, during a recent interview with Fox News host Laura Ingraham, President Trump claimed a friend of his was on a plane - entirely filled with thugs in dark uniforms.  It was obvious these folks were looters, anarchists, rioters, and people who were looking for trouble - and all of them were headed to Republican National Convention, with the sole intention to “wreak havoc.” Holy cow!  It sounds like Trump’s poor friend must have accidentally boarded an “Antifa Airlines” flight.  That said, I have heard that travel agents will tell you that Antifa Air does have some of the best connections of anyone - especially, for those looking for a direct flight t