Televangelist Claims Veggie Burgers are a Satanic Plot to Alter Our DNA

Televangelist Claims Veggie Burgers are a Satanic Plot to Alter Our DNA: Christian televangelist Rick Wiles is warning his audience that the popularity of plant-based alternatives to meat and dairy products are part of a satanic plot to alter human DNA and create a race of soulless creatures, who will no longer be willing or able to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior.

Wow, and who knew? Now, while I’m sure some of you are laughing, Pastor Wiles does bring up a valid point. I mean, when’s the last time you’ve seen someone accepting Jesus Christ as their personal savior - while they were busy gobbling down a veggie burger?

Now, some may ask, if Lucifer is nefariously altering the DNA of unsuspecting diners eating veggie burgers - then why doesn’t God just issue some sort of a “software update,” which would repair the poor schmuck’s DNA? After all, wasn’t God the one who designed these folks in the first place?

Perhaps, but if I’m understanding Pastor Wiles’ analysis correctly, while God can do one helluva lot of really cool and amazing stuff, He’s apparently completely powerless - whenever He comes up against meatless, vegetable protein. It apparently acts on Him like it’s His own, personal Kryptonite.

I mean, it’s important to remember that even omnipotent beings have their limits, after all. Besides, not even God would have access to anything even close to the massive financial resources and funding that someone like a Pastor Wiles would have.

Meanwhile, the Trump Administration says they’re working on a quick, sure-fire fix - to resolve the issue. Why, simply send all these damn fools, eating all these stupid vegetables - right back to wherever the hell they came from. Problem solved!

https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

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Sen. Katie Britt Blames Biden for a Rape 20 Years Ago in Mexico

During what many are calling an absolutely insane rebuttal to President Biden’s “State of the Union” address, Sen. Katie Boyd Britt (R-Ala.), walked onto a studio sound stage (set up like an upper-middle-class kitchen) and began to link a harrowing account of a young woman’s sex trafficking and rape by a Mexican drug cartel, to Joe Biden’s immigration policies of the 2020s. She did this even though the abuse happened nearly 20 years ago and in Mexico - and at a time when Republican George W. Bush was president, not Joe Biden. The girl about whom Sen. Britt spoke - was thrown out of her house by her mother at age 12 and eventually “fell prey to a professional pimp.” There is no evidence that she was ever held by a drug cartel, as Katie claimed. In addition, the young victim testified that most of her clients for prostitution were foreigners visiting Mexico to have sex with underage girls. Okay, so now let me get this straight. A young Mexican fema...

White House Calls Trump Property the Perfect G7 Meeting Location

White House Calls Trump Property the Perfect G7 Meeting Location: The White House and President Trump are raising eyebrows once again after they selected Donald Trump’s National Doral Resort Hotel as the “perfect location” for the next G7 summit while also suggesting President Trump plans to re-invite Russian President Vladimir Putin to the meeting. Well gee-whiz, what a lucky break for the Trump Resorts. I mean, who knew there was no other place in the entire United States that would be appropriate to hold a G7 summit other than a Trump property? Imagine that! Of course, at the rate Trump has been betraying all our friends and allies, by the time this conference actually rolls around - my guess is it’s likely only gonna be a G2 summit - with just Trump and Putin in attendance! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Claims Bahamas are Full of Bad Gang Members

Trump Claims Bahamas are Full of Bad Gang Members: President Trump shocked reporters by telling them that he is hesitant to allow any Bahamians to enter the US after Hurricane Dorian, because the island is full of "bad gang members.” Right, “bad gang members.” That’s as opposed to all the “good gang members” who follow him. You know, like the KKK, the neo-Nazis and all those white-supremacist militia gangs. But come on, if Trump really thought that there’s all these “bad guys” roaming around in the Bahamas, you’d think he’d have invited them to meet with him at Camp David by now. That said, my guess is that about the only thing Donald Trump actually knows about the Bahamas is that it’s surrounded bigly, by a Yuge bunch of water. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

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