Televangelist Claims Veggie Burgers are a Satanic Plot to Alter Our DNA

Televangelist Claims Veggie Burgers are a Satanic Plot to Alter Our DNA: Christian televangelist Rick Wiles is warning his audience that the popularity of plant-based alternatives to meat and dairy products are part of a satanic plot to alter human DNA and create a race of soulless creatures, who will no longer be willing or able to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior.

Wow, and who knew? Now, while I’m sure some of you are laughing, Pastor Wiles does bring up a valid point. I mean, when’s the last time you’ve seen someone accepting Jesus Christ as their personal savior - while they were busy gobbling down a veggie burger?

Now, some may ask, if Lucifer is nefariously altering the DNA of unsuspecting diners eating veggie burgers - then why doesn’t God just issue some sort of a “software update,” which would repair the poor schmuck’s DNA? After all, wasn’t God the one who designed these folks in the first place?

Perhaps, but if I’m understanding Pastor Wiles’ analysis correctly, while God can do one helluva lot of really cool and amazing stuff, He’s apparently completely powerless - whenever He comes up against meatless, vegetable protein. It apparently acts on Him like it’s His own, personal Kryptonite.

I mean, it’s important to remember that even omnipotent beings have their limits, after all. Besides, not even God would have access to anything even close to the massive financial resources and funding that someone like a Pastor Wiles would have.

Meanwhile, the Trump Administration says they’re working on a quick, sure-fire fix - to resolve the issue. Why, simply send all these damn fools, eating all these stupid vegetables - right back to wherever the hell they came from. Problem solved!

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Sen. Katie Britt Blames Biden for a Rape 20 Years Ago in Mexico

During what many are calling an absolutely insane rebuttal to President Biden’s “State of the Union” address, Sen. Katie Boyd Britt (R-Ala.), walked onto a studio sound stage (set up like an upper-middle-class kitchen) and began to link a harrowing account of a young woman’s sex trafficking and rape by a Mexican drug cartel, to Joe Biden’s immigration policies of the 2020s. She did this even though the abuse happened nearly 20 years ago and in Mexico - and at a time when Republican George W. Bush was president, not Joe Biden. The girl about whom Sen. Britt spoke - was thrown out of her house by her mother at age 12 and eventually “fell prey to a professional pimp.” There is no evidence that she was ever held by a drug cartel, as Katie claimed. In addition, the young victim testified that most of her clients for prostitution were foreigners visiting Mexico to have sex with underage girls. Okay, so now let me get this straight. A young Mexican fema...

GOP Lawmaker Says Trump’s Conduct Crosses Impeachment Threshold

GOP Lawmaker Says Trump’s Conduct Crosses Impeachment Threshold: Rep. Justin Amash (R-Mich.), has become the first Republican congressman to publicly state that, based on the Mueller Report - the President “engaged in impeachable conduct.” Rep. Amash further added that Attorney General Barr “deliberately misrepresented” the Mueller Report’s findings to congress and to the American public. Oh boy! One can only imagine the 3 AM tweet storm that’s gonna emanate from Trump’s porcelain throne over this level of betrayal. I’ll tell you another thing, disloyalty of this magnitude to the Cult of Trump isn’t likely to set well in America’s trailer parks either. But then again, what else is new? After all, Republicans have never viewed reality as being in their best interests. Now, I have no idea how all this is gonna finally go down, but I do know one thing - Justin Amash is definitely not gonna get an invite to Donald Trump's next wedding....

Nigerian President Denies Dying and Being Replaced by a Clone

Nigerian President Denies Dying and Being Replaced by a Clone: Speaking at a recent conference, Nigeria’s President Muhammadu Buhari denied claims that he had died and been replaced by a Sudanese impostor or a clone, breaking his silence on a rumor that has been circulating on social media for months. Wait a minute, I think I saw that movie - “ Weekend at Muhammadu’s. ” And, if I remember correctly - wasn’t it was a Sudanese actor who played the lead? Who do they think they’re kidding anyway? After all, I wasn’t born yesterday! Now, of course, I’m sitting out here in California - so I have no sure-fire way to confirm or deny all these rumors, but I do know one thing - if you can’t believe Nigerian e-mails and social media posts, what the hell can you believe? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

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