You've Got to Be Kidding?

Russia Offered Afghans Bounty to Kill U.S. Troops:   American intelligence officials have concluded that a Russian military intelligence unit secretly offered bounties to Taliban-linked militants for killing coalition forces in Afghanistan - including targeting American troops, and indicated that President Trump was briefed in the matter back in March, presented with retaliation options, but did nothing.  Gee, this means Trump knew that Russia was targeting Americans for assassination before he insisted that Russia be reinstated back into the G7 and before he started pulling American troops out of Europe, thereby strengthening Russia’s influence in the region. Of course, we’re all familiar with how Trump and the Republicans are always parading around, boasting about how much they “support the Troops.”  Well, after these revelations, I think it would only be fair to ask “oh really - whose troops?” Meanwhile, angry Republicans claimed it’s just plain “dirt...

Trump Attacks Fox News for Doing Nothing to Help Get Him Reelected:  President Trump has been escalating his months-long feud with Fox News, this time complaining that they were "doing nothing to help" get him re-elected in November. Good grief, everything else aside, just how corrupt and incompetent do you have to be - in order to make a sleaze-bag organization like Fox News not feel comfortable enough to endorse you?  Personally, I think the President should cut them a little slack.  I mean, how many lies and blunders can you expect them to cover up in just one term?  Anyway, is it just me, or did Donald Trump just admit that he thinks of Fox News as little more than his “personal propaganda arm?”  Now, wait just a minute Mr. President!  It isn't supposed to be the media's job to get you reelected.  I’m pretty sure that responsibility falls on your reelection campaign and Russian President Vladimir Putin. https://www.johnnyrobishcome...

Trump Admin Offered Assange US Pardon if He Cleared Russia:  Lawyers for Julian Assange say he plans to claim at his extradition hearing that the Trump Administration offered him a pardon by then-Congressman Dana Rohrabacher, if he simply agreed to say Russia was not involved in leaking Democratic National Committee emails to WikiLeaks during the 2016 U.S. election campaign.   In response, White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham is calling the claim "absolutely and completely false,” adding that the President doesn’t even know Dana Rohrabacher.  All I can say is, this President really has himself quite a long, impressive list of people “he doesn’t even know.” Anyway, it appears that the President had a pardon for sale, in exchange for false testimony.  And now, Trump just pardoned Rob Blagojevich - a guy who also tried his hand at sales, by trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat.   Hell, it sounds like the President was simply tryi...

Barr Disputes Key Inspector General Finding About FBI’s Russia Investigation:   Attorney General William P. Barr is telling associates he disagrees with the main point of the Justice Department’s inspector general’s finding - that the FBI had enough information in July 2016 to justify launching an investigation into members of the Trump campaign. Well, in that case, it sounds like it’s about damn time for Attorney General Barr and the rest of the Trump DOJ - to open up an investigation of the inspector general’s investigation of the investigators.  But then, who’ll investigate the people who investigated the investigators?  Now, don’t ask me - hell, I can’t even do the math. Anyway, it’s interesting how things have now gotten to the point where - when the Russians wanna disseminate their propaganda, they no longer even bother to post on Facebook - hell, they just go directly through Bill Barr.  One thing’s for sure, Vladimir Putin is certainly turning out ...

Trump Supporters Insisting God Chose Him to be President:   In fighting back against what they consider bogus impeachment hearings, President Trump’s hard-line supporters are pointing out that not only was the President put into office by the votes cast from 63 million Americans, but Donald Trump was also “God’s choice for the Oval Office.” Well, well, well - you don’t say!  Now, I find that rather interesting, given how well documented it is that Donald Trump actually lost the popular vote by 3 million votes.  Hell, by that account, it sounds an awful lot like God actually chose Hillary - but then Putin overrode Him on the issue.    Anyway, even if God did put Trump in the White House, let’s be honest and admit He certainly didn’t do alone.  He definitely had a helluva lotta help from the good folks over at Breitbart, Fox News, Facebook, Twitter and, of course - Vladimir Putin.   Now call me a heretic, but if we must interpret all thi...

Navy Black Sea Patrol Canceled After Trump Calls It Hostile to Russia:   An aide to a top Ukraine envoy has testified that the US Navy canceled a routine Black Sea patrol after President Trump complained to then-national security adviser John Bolton - that the exercise was hostile to Russia. Oh my gosh, WE - are SO sorry!  But, come on!  How was America supposed to know that the Black Sea was Putin’s private lake?  I mean, there are no signs.  And talk about surprises - who knew Vladimir Putin is now running our military too?  Good grief, that’s gotta be a lotta additional responsibility for the poor guy! Anyway, at least that pretty much explains Trump’s Black Sea actions.  I mean, he was just following the chain of command.  And isn’t that what military people are supposed to do?     I’ll tell you one thing, I think it’s pretty obvious this Trump fella is gonna be a shoo-in for the Kremlin’s next Employee of the Mon...

Trump’s Syrian Pullout Leaves Putin in Charge:  Analysts say that when President Trump made his shocking decision to pull out of Syria and abandon our Kurdish allies, he handed Russia and Vladimir Putin the keys to the undisputed political leadership throughout the region. On the other hand, economists would probably argue that these events aren’t actually Putin victories, they’re simply interest payments and dividends - paid as a result of Putin’s various investments in Donald Trump, as well as his lovely family and friends. Anyway, I’m guessing this means Mr Putin isn’t likely to be going public with any of that incriminating information he’s been holding on Trump and his associates any time soon.  Funny how conservatives head’s literally explode with the mere mention of Colin Kaepernick, yet they’re perfectly fine with all this. For example, I have a cousin who swears Donald Trump will go down in history as “America’s greatest president.”  Of course, on ...

Trump Denouncing Impeachment Inquiry as a Coup:   President Trump has escalated his criticism of the Democrat’s impeachment inquiry by claiming, "as I learn more and more each day, I am coming to the conclusion that what is taking place is not an impeachment, it is a coup.” Well, my my - a coup d'état?  Now, that’s a pretty big concept to grasp for someone with a vocabulary like Donald’s.  Although, from what I can tell, the real “coup” took place when Donald Trump took up residence in the White House.  You remember that, just after we had that little Russian election interference thingy?  But regardless of that, I would assume even a Trump supporter would be smart enough to understand that an impeachment inquiry - predicated on facts which both the President and his attorney have actually admitted to on live TV, could not a be “coup.”   Gee, I wonder if Trump also feels Bill Clinton’s impeachment was a coup?  Well, if the coup...

Giuliani Claims Pompeo Knew He Pushed Ukraine to Investigate Biden:  President Donald Trump's personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, seemed to be trying to implicate Secretary of State Mike Pompeo when he made the rounds on Sunday’s talk show circuit, claiming Pompeo was well-aware of his efforts to persuade Ukrainian authorities to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. Rudy keeps claiming he was talking to the Ukrainians at the behest of the State Department.  OK, I get that.  So he’s been working for the State Department, but for which country?   Hell, it’s getting to the point where Congress has been gathering so much damning evidence, just from watching Rudy and Trump incriminate themselves on live TV, they might not even need anyone to testifying at the damn impeachment hearings.   Good grief, this administration has been eating their own so fast, they’re damn-near in danger of being charged with cannibalism.  Of course, Trump will most...

New Report Finds Russians Used Greed to Capture the NRA:   A year-long Senate finance committee investigation found that ties between the National Rifle Association (NRA) and influential Russians were both substantial and lucrative enough, to render the politically powerful gun lobby an “asset” of Russia. No kidding - an asset of Russia?  Hell, the guy who lives just down the street from me is a huge gun enthusiast.  I should probably drop by and ask him how many Rubles it takes these days to get an NRA membership. Now, the NRA has recently taken a lot of slack for opposing legislation geared toward preventing people with severe mental health issues from owning guns, but I aways understood the NRA position on the matter.  After all, if the mentally ill couldn’t own guns, then who the hell they supposed to get to join the NRA?   Of course, in all fairness, I’m sure it’s all purely coincidental that just about every single Republican or conservati...

Giuliani Cancels Paid Appearance at Kremlin-Backed Dinner Conference:   After it was reported in the Washington Post, Rudy Giuliani abruptly canceled his scheduled paid appearance at a Kremlin-backed dinner conference next week, which will be attended by Russian President Vladi­mir Putin and led by Sergey Glazyev, Putin’s longtime adviser who’s been under U.S. sanctions since Russia’s invasion of Ukraine five years ago. All I can say, the way things are going, it won’t be long before the only “dinners” Rudy will be attending will be in a Federal prison mess hall.  I mean, Rudy has essentially gone from being America’s Mayor - to more like Moscow’s Mayor.   What I wanna know is, who in their right mind would agree to be Trump’s lawyer after what happened to Michael Cohen?  Doesn’t he know Trump threw Cohen under the bus?  Of course, Rudy’s become so wacky lately, there’s no telling what the hell he’s thinking anymore. Interestingly, there’s be...

Trump's New Ambassador to Mexico Takes Aim at Icon Frida Kahlo:  Shortly after his appointment, Donald Trump’s new ambassador to Mexico, Christopher Landau, has been stirring up a fierce social media controversy - after he took direct aim at iconic Mexican painter Frida Kahlo, over her support of Marxism. Wow, talk about a timely political move.  I mean, with all the hatred and division going on in the world today, what could be more important than bringing up the political leanings of a world renowned artist - who’s been dead for over 65 years? And what makes this criticism of Frida Kahlo especially interesting is that it’s coming from an ambassador, who’s just been appointed by a US President who has openly embraced the likes of Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin.   And gee, what a big surprise to think that someone as politically astute as Donald Trump, could appoint a diplomat who doesn't have any idea about how to be diplomatic?   That said, regar...

Trump Still Claiming Russia Booted From G8 for Outsmarting Obama:   President Donald Trump tweeted that he’d “most certainly” invite Russian President Vladimir Putin to the group’s next summit, after doubling down on his claim that Russia got booted from the G8 simply because Russia “outsmarted” former President Barack Obama - when it illegally invaded and annexed Crimea in 2014. Hell, I’ll take what President Trump said one step further.  I blame Barack Obama for the Ottoman Empire losing the Russo-Turkish War back in 1774.  Of course, Obama being at fault for something is quite obvious to any Trump supporter.  On the other hand, having even the slightest clue what the hell the Ottoman Empire was - not so much!   That said, the odd thing about President Trump’s Crimean hypothesis is, I could have almost sworn it was Vladimir Putin who invaded and annexed Crimea, not Barack Obama.  But hell, I get why Trump had to blame Obama.  I ...

White House Discloses Trump Called Putin the Day of Democratic Debates:   While everyone was busy watching the Democratic primary debate Wednesday night, the White House decided it might be a good moment to disclose that President Donald Trump called his Russian counterpart Vladimir Putin, allegedly to offer help with putting out wildfires in Siberia.  Gee, funny how Trump didn’t seem to have quite the same compassion about those deadly wildfires in California last year, blaming Californians for not raking their forests.  Wonder if he gave the same scolding to Vlad and his boys? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Greenland Ice Sheet Dumped 197 Billion Tons of Water Into Atlantic:   In a startling revelation, scientists report that the Greenland ice sheet poured over 197 billion tons of water into the North Atlantic in July alone.  Wow, I guess that explains that tsunami which just injured all those people at that water park. https://www.johnnyr...

Ex-McConnell Staffers Lobbied for Russian-Backed Kentucky Project:  According to a new lobbying disclosure, two former “top staffers” of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell have been doing some heavy lobbying of Congress and the Treasury Department on behalf of the development of a new Kentucky aluminum mill - to be financed by Russian aluminum giant Rusal.  Why, if one didn’t know better, one might mistakenly conclude that that may have had something to do with why Moscow Mitch recently saw fit to shelve proposed legislation designed to protect the US against Russian election meddling.  Say it ain’t so! Gee, can anyone say “conflict of interest?”  Now, that makes me wonder, do you suppose Trump or Mitch and his boys will eventually end up selling Kentucky to the Russians?  Now, I have no idea if the Putin or the Russians are even interested, but I do know this - I’d definately rather have a nice Kentucky Bourbon than a shot of Vodka any day. ...

Trump Will No Longer Deal With the UK Ambassador to US:   In a pair of tweets, President Trump said he would “no longer deal with the UK’s ambassador to the U.S.” after leaked cables revealed the diplomat’s unvarnished, harsh assessment of the Trump administration. Personally, I think there’s a good chance this is all just a huge misunderstanding and President Trump didn’t fully understand what the UK ambassador was actually saying - quite possibly because the ambassador was speaking English. Anyway, Ambassador Darroch shouldn’t really consider President Trump’s ignoring him as a really big deal.  After all, Donald Trump routinely treats about 65% of American's citizens as if they don’t exist either.  I mean, just ask the residents of Puerto Rico. Besides, Trump and his supporters shouldn’t feel completely distressed about the UK ambassador’s slight.  Hell, I can think of at least one ambassador who publicly praises Donald Trump all the time, but enough...

Trump Now Says He Would Report Foreign Campaign Interference:   Under fire, President Trump has backtracked on his previous position about accepting campaign help from foreign governments without necessarily telling the FBI - and is now claiming that he would certainly report it to law enforcement authorities if he were approached. And, if I know Donald Trump, not only would he report it - but it would also be the undisputed greatest report ever given to authorities in all of American history.  That’s just the way he rolls.  Anyway, if I’m understanding all this correctly, it appears that what Trump said yesterday is now completely gone - only to be totally replaced by what he is saying today.  Now, I don’t wanna sound critical, but can anyone say “George Orwell? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Directs Attorney General Barr to Look Into Locking Up Democrats:   During a recent and rather bazaar rally in Pennsylvania, President Trump expressed anger at Fox News for inviting too many Democrats on their channel, joked about remaining in office for five full terms and even promised to have Attorney General Barr look into locking up Democrats for investigating him.  Now, if memory serves me correctly, this isn’t the first time President Trump has “joked” about what would essentially amount to him being appointed “President for Life.”  Why, if one didn’t know better, they might think he’s testing the waters.  Letting us get comfortable with the idea. Not to mention that a President of the United States is now actually asking his Attorney General to look into “locking up Democrats?”  Gee, what kind of national leaders lock up their political opponents?  Oh yea, its dictators, military juntas and third world despots.  Funny thing is,...

Leader of Armed Militia Group Boasted of Assassination Training:   Court papers show that Larry Mitchell Hopkins, the head of the heavily armed militia group United Constitutional Patriots, who have been detaining migrants in New Mexico, boasted about training volunteers to kill former President Barack Obama, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and billionaire George Soros. So, these guys are “Constitutional Patriots” are they?  Now, I’m no constitutional scholar, but I had no idea that assassinating your political opponents was written into the constitution.  Wonder what constitution they’re referring to?  Perhaps Russia, Syria, or maybe North Korea’s?  I don’t think it’s in ours.     Now, if these “patriots” really wanna find undocumented migrants, I’d suggest they ought to first check out Mar-a-Lago or Trump’s Bedminster Golf Club - chances are they’d find a helluva lot more of illegal aliens there than they’ll ever see down at the...

Mueller Report Concludes Donald Trump Jr. Too Ignorant to Prosecute:   Donald Trump Jr. has taken to social media to brag about how he emerged from the Mueller investigation uncharged, even though it appears from the report that Mueller’s team essentially declined to prosecute him after concluding he was simply too ignorant to have knowingly committed the crime. Wow - so I'm guessing that means Tiffany is the smartest Trump after all?  On the other hand, let’s give Don Jr. a little credit.  I mean, you have to be pretty darn smart to convince Robert Mueller you’re stupid.  Sounds a lot like a classic genius move to me.  You know Don Jr. comes from a family of stable geniuses - don’t you? Of course, in all fairness, I think it’s safe to say that most hard-core Trump supporters in places like Tennessee, Alabama and West Virginia would likely be the first to admit that if Don Jr. had really been all that smart, he would have married Ivanka. Anyway, ...