You've Got to Be Kidding?

Trump Claims the Medical Deep State Sabotaged His Election:   President Trump reportedly flew into a rage, lashing out at his own Food and Drug Administration following an announcement six days after the election, that an experimental coronavirus vaccine from pharmaceutical giant Pfizer is more than 90% effective, claiming this proves the “medical deep state” deliberately tried to sabotage his electoral prospects by delaying the results till after the election. I can see the President’s point here.  After all, everyone knows the pharmaceutical industry has always been a seething, hotbed of left-wing, socialist debauchery.  Gee, I wonder if this is the same “medical deep state” that saved his ass when he got Covid-19 a month or so ago?  I guess it’s time for Rudy to hold another press conference at Pfizer Total Landscaping, and get to the bottom of this mess. The funny thing is, you’d assume a President would be applauding the fact we may finally have a vaccine tha...

Trump Says He Appreciates the Support of QAnon Conspiracy Theorists:   When pressed by a reporter about QAnon supporters believing he is secretly saving the world from a cult of pedophiles and cannibals led by Hillary Clinton and several Hollywood celebrates, a baseless theory which the FBI has flagged as a potential domestic terrorist threat, President Trump gave credence to the theory when he shot back - claiming he didn’t know much about them, but “how it can be a bad thing, saving the world from a Satanic cult of pedophiles and cannibals?” Wow, I had no idea that "crazy" had now become such an important Republican voter block in America?  No wonder Republicans vehemently oppose any funding designed to address mental health issues in this country.  I mean, if troubled people started regaining their mental health again, Republicans might lose voters.  Now, in his defense, President Trump did deny knowing very much about these QAnon people, but said he appreciates t...

Trump Declines to Denounce QAnon Conspiracy Theory:  After QAnon proponent Marjorie Taylor Greene won the Republican primary for Georgia’s 14th Congressional District, President Trump tweeted his congratulations and called her “a future Republican star.”   When asked by AP reporter Jill Colvin specifically about QAnon, all the President would say is “well, she’s very popular” and that “she won by a lot.” Actually, the correct answer to Ms, Colvin’s question is quite simple…the folks who believe in QAnon - also see Trump as a kind of "messiah figure."  And, when you couple that with the fact that “ Trump also sees Trump as a messiah figure” - what’s not for him to like? Now, the big conspiracy theory fostered by QAnon, is that Hillary Clinton and certain Hollywood celebrities - are the masterminds behind a extremely secretive, massive, sex-trafficking pedophile ring.   All I can say to that is, the very idea that Donald Trump is somehow a “ hero” in the fight...

Bolton's New Book On Trump Full of Explosive Bombshells:   Excerpts from former National Security Adviser John Bolton’s new book about his time in the Trump Administration, paint a damning view of a “stunningly uninformed” man who was outmatched by the job he was elected to do and willing to do just about anything to get his way, including asking China’s Xi for help with his reelection, telling Xi he approved of building “concentration camps” for China’s largely Muslim Uighur minority and suggesting U.S. journalists who don’t reveal their sources for stories should be executed. That ought to be enough to get those poor MAGA hat cultists screaming “DEEP STATE!”  One thing’s for sure, with all these books coming out by former members of his inner circle, that future Trump Presidential Library is sure gonna be chock-full of some very interesting reading. And then, it appears that Trump tells President Xi he approves of China putting Muslim Uighur citizens into “concen...

Trump Faithful Hoping to Bypass Twitter With New App:   With rallies halted and his tweets being fact-checked, the Trump campaign has been busy developing an alternative channel for him these past few months, a smartphone app that aims to become a one-stop news, information and entertainment platform for his supporters - an app that is now frequently ranked among Apple’s Top 10 list of best selling apps. Well, I have to say that it’s comforting to know that if President Trump and Twitter should ultimately decide to part ways, his campaign has a backup plan to get his lies out to the huddled masses.  And, thanks to technology, you can now get fed those lies 24 hours a day.   One thing’s for sure, if this app has been designed and operated with the same intelligence and expertise as the rest of his administration, then his followers should be in for quite an interesting ride.  Next up, most likely a Trump video game where contestants compete to build a borde...

Trump Signs Order to Allow Punishing Social Media Over Site Content:   President Trump signed an executive order on Thursday that could open the door for the U.S. government to assume oversight of political speech on the Internet, the new directive seeks to change a federal law that has spared tech companies from being sued or held liable for most posts, photos and videos shared by people who use their sites. Now, as scary as all this may seem, the funny thing is - is that most of us who’ve read Orwell have always assumed that “Big Brother” would end up being a ruthlessly efficient organization of “evil Bond geniuses,” not a bunch of babbling, half-wits - working for a mentally challenged moron who just loves conspiracy theories and who has the attention span of a fire ant. Anyway, it appears that the good folks over in Trumplandia believe that the Second Amendment is the only “real” amendment.  Now, I realize geography isn’t one of his strongest suits, but someti...

Trump Accuses Twitter of Interfering in the 2020 Presidential Election:   President Donald Trump accused Twitter of interfering in the 2020 presidential election after the company attached a fact check to two of his tweets that made false claims about widespread voter fraud with mail-in ballots.   So, if I understand this correctly, the Trump Campaign apparently appears to feel that telling the truth is evidence of "political bias.”  Interesting, but I think I’ve got an easy solution for them.  If you don’t like being fact-checked by Twitter, why not just try telling the truth? Of course, I suppose one could argue that if someone actually needs Twitter to help them decide whether or not they can actually believe anything that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth - then they’ve obviously got much bigger issues than Twitter they’re dealing with.   All I can say is, it’s probably a damn good thing Trump wasn’t President during WW II, or we’d all be sp...

QAnon Follower Wins US Senate Republican Primary in Oregon:   Jo Rae Perkins, a rabid follower of QAnon, an extremist conspiracy theory built around the belief that high-ranking government officials were kidnapping, abusing, torturing and killing children, a plot which has quickly spread all the way from the fringes of far right-wing social media sites, directly into mainstream Republican circles thanks to President Donald Trump, has won the Republican primary for US Senate in Oregon. Now, if you remember, QAnon people are the nice folks who brought us “Pizzagate” back in 2016.  That little tall tale resulted in a heavily-armed North Carolina man attempting a “rescue mission” of kids he believed - after watching numerous QAnon YouTube videos - were being held as sex slaves in the basement of a Washington DC pizzeria by none other than Hillary Clinton and her gang.   Sadly, for our rescuer, it turned out there were a few minor details which were in all the YouTu...

Owner Claims Her Salon is Also Ministry and Should Be Allowed to Reopen:   The owner of a faith-based, Christian hair salon in Appleton, Wisconsin, has filed a federal lawsuit arguing the state’s coronavirus safer-at-home order violates her First Amendment rights to freedom of religion, speech, and assembly.  Well, I know just how she feels.  She's probably just had it up to “hair” with all that government repression and decided to go to court before a cop comes by and “locks” her up.  Rest a-sheared, if she stays open without permission, there could be hell toupee and that just doesn’t cut it.  Meanwhile, critics argue if the court permits the salon to reopen, other businesses may soon try the same ploy - and before you know it, we’ll have things like the Leviticus Lumber Company, the Oh, For Christ’s Saké Beverage Company and Jump’n Jesus’ Jamba Juice Bar.  And, as a bonus, because they’re ministries, they’d all get to operate tax-free. ht...

Evangelicals Claim the Mark of the Beast Will Be In Coronavirus Vaccine:   Polls show Evangelical Christians say they will not get a vaccination to protect them from the coronavirus when one becomes available, because they see the whole coronavirus situation as a Deep State socialist plot, involving Bill Gates, George Soros and Dr. Anthony Fauci - to “gain control of us” through a vaccine that contains “some sort of human tracking device.” Sure, makes sense to me!  Especially, when you consider most of these same folks paid hundreds and hundreds for their smartphones, which have GPS, altimeters, location services, gyroscopes, accelerometers, you name it - not to mention additionally shelling out another $50-$125 a month to hook up to some ubiquitous cellphone network - and all so they can then post conspiracy theories about Bill Gates and Dr Anthony Fauci’s devious plot to use the coronavirus vaccine as a cover to inject them with a chip that can track them.   ...

Trump Foreshadows How He Might Undermine Next Election:   Donald Trump and Fox News hosts have been falsely accusing Democrats of trying to “steal” Tuesday’s special election in the isolated desert town of Lancaster, California, by adding a polling place in one of the most diverse sections of a district - even though it was the area’s Republican mayor who requested it in the first place.  So, let me get this straight.  The Republican definition of “trying to steal an election,” is when you try and make voting more accessible for all Americans.  Perhaps Trump could ask Putin and the Russians to oversee our November elections again?  Now, those guys really seem to know how to run an election. The funny thing is, President Trump actually did put together a “commission” to investigate voter fraud, but he had to quickly disband it - after it became obvious that the only fraudulent voters they were snagging - were Trump Republicans. https://www.johnn...

Hundreds of Armed Protesters Gather at Michigan’s State Capitol:  Hundreds of armed protesters, many carrying assault rifles, assorted flags and pro-Trump signs, gathered at Michigan’s state Capitol on Thursday for what they termed the “American Patriot Rally,” demanding entry onto the state Senate floor to confront lawmakers about to debate an extension of the stay-at-home order, which medical professionals say will help curtail the spread of the novel coronavirus. Gee, how odd that these “patriots” haven’t been harassing states with Republican governors - where the very same social distancing and quarantine rules are in effect.  I know they miss going to their favorite tattoo parlors and monster truck shows, but come on!   Then, I wondered why in the world would these “patriots” need assault rifles to protest coronavirus restrictions.  Now, I realize their leader Donald Trump has proposed some rather unusual cures for the virus lately, but I seriously do...

Republican Forced to Apologize for Wearing Confederate Face Mask:   Republican state Senator Dale Zorn wore a Confederate flag face mask to a Michigan state senate vote on Friday and, when confronted by a reporter - tried to claim the mask wasn’t actually what it was, then blamed his wife for making it - before finally declaring how important it is for Americans to see symbols like this, so we won’t forget our history.   Well, well!  So Michigan Senator Zorn tells a reporter this mask wasn’t actually a Confederate flag, eh?  Perhaps, and I’m no expert, but all I know is - this sure doesn’t look very much like the Michigan state flag.   That said, as dumb as wearing this mask to prevent the coronavirus may be - I suppose it’s still a helluva lot smarter than Trump’s idea of drinking bleach to prevent COVID-19.   Now, the question is, will this set those inquisitive, scientific Republican minds a wonder'n about if’n whether one of those fancy ...

Lysol Begs Consumers Not To Ingest Their Cleaning Products:   Shortly after President Trump floated his theory that injecting disinfectants could possibly help kill the coronavirus, the makers of some of the world’s most popular cleaning products including Lysol, issued a statement - practically begging consumers to NEVER ingest cleaning products in any manner.  In response, panicked senate Republican leaders scrambled to issue some cautionary advice to their Republican base, warning that if we allow them to prevent you from injecting your Lysol today - tomorrow, they’ll be coming for your Tide Pods.   https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump and Fox Now Both Silent on Miracle Cure Drug They Promoted:   Both President Trump and a slew of Fox News hosts have suddenly gone silent on the “miracle cure” they spent weeks promoting, following disappointing and perhaps even alarming new research about hydroxychloroquine as a treatment for COVID-19, after a study found the death rate among those given the drug was actually higher than for those who were not. Oh darn, I guess that hydroxychloroquine didn't work out so well, but come on!  I mean, how was our poor President supposed to know those meds weren’t really a miracle cure when he ordered 29 million doses?   Why, the only people who were complaining about pushing hydroxychloroquine at the time were the doctors and scientists.  You know, the same folks pushing all this crazy social distancing that shut down all Trump’s rallies and golf outings - not the experts like Lou Dobbs, Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity. I mean, just where’s a Trump...

Treasury Department Orders Trump’s Name Printed on Stimulus Checks:   In an unprecedented move, the Treasury Department has ordered that Donald Trump’s name be printed on all stimulus checks that the Internal Revenue Service is rushing to send out, a move which will likely even further delay their delivery. Now wait a minute, Trump’s gonna be the one signing these checks?  Don’t Donald Trump’s checks usually bounce?  Why, that’s just insane sending out paper checks with Trump’s signature on them!  On the other hand, I suppose it does kinda make sense.  After all, we do have a national shortage of toilet paper.   Hell, and while they’re at it, Treasury might just as well add the phrase "In Morons We Trust,” right above Trump’s image on the back of the checks.  So, what the hell are they planning on paying us in anyway - rubles?  Besides, what I really wanna know is, how the hell can a guy who doesn’t even pay any taxes - sign ...

Americans Prefer Lip Service to Action:   Well, America - we're now finally "once again" down to "two corporate candidates." Americans have "once again" been convinced that pooling our resources together so WE ALL can have affordable healthcare is an insane, unaffordable, pie-in-the-sky concept, which apparently, every other industrialized country in world can afford - except ours. In exchange for taking concrete actions, we'll "once again" get nothing but lip service - words, promises and prayers. Now, we have as our last defense against this monster in the White House, a guy who (in recent interviews), cannot even complete simple thoughts or sentences - and these were in response to softball questions from places like MSNBC, Jimmy Kimmel and Katie Couric. How is he ever supposed to be able to debate a slick, con artist like Donald Trump? But, enough out of me. I think George Carlin sums it up much better than I ever could. http...

Trump Fires Inspector General Who Handled Impeachment Complaint:   In what critics say is basically a reprisal for “telling the truth,” President Trump has fired US Inspector General for the intelligence community Michael Atkinson - the man who first handled the complaint made by an anonymous CIA whistleblower that became the basis for Trump’s impeachment. Well, let’s try and remember, that these folks all serve at the pleasure of the President - and, as we all know, this President finds no pleasure in the truth, or anyone who dares tell it, for that matter.  Hell, “truthfulness” isn’t one of the characteristics Trump was even looking for in an Inspector General anyway.  Besides, Trump supporters aren’t concerned with the intelligence community’s truthful assessments anyway.  They much prefer to wait for the latest QAnon drop for their information.  Anyway, I suppose all this means that the departing Inspector General’s duties - will now be handed ov...

Louisiana Pastor Arrested for Holding Services with Over 1,100 Attendees:   Rev. Tony Spell of the Life Tabernacle Church, who repeatedly defied state orders prohibiting gatherings of more than 50 people by holding large church services with over 1100 attendees, was charged with six misdemeanor counts of violating a state ban on non-essential gatherings. Rev. Spell claims God spoke to him personally, and told him that “the virus is politically motivated” and to keep his church open, and that’s exactly what he intends to do.   Now that’s interesting, because God just spoke to me about an hour ago, and told me during this pandemic, it’s best to avoid close contact with anyone stupid enough to believe con artists like Rev. Spell. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Coronavirus Truthers Preying on the Anxieties of the Moment:   As the global coronavirus outbreak continues to spread fear and uncertainty throughout the country, many conservative Republican commentators have seen this as an opportunity to float wild conspiracy theories about what’s behind the outbreak, such as former Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke, who considers all this coronavirus stuff a giant hoax, and is now urging citizens to take to the streets to prevent the coronavirus from taking away all our freedoms as Americans. Yeah well, I suggest Sheriff Clarke should perhaps stick to commenting about things where he actually has some expertise - like donuts. On the other hand, it is rather encouraging to see that the Republican party is finally diversifying a bit - and that they’ve now welcomed “the Cowboy” from the Village People into their ranks. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com