You've Got to Be Kidding?

More People Blatantly Ignoring Social Distancing Guidelines:  New data appears to indicate that across the country, more and more people are deliberately ignoring social distancing guidelines and gathering in close quarters wearing no masks whatsoever.    Hell, I can totally verify that.  Why, a few days ago, my cellphone ran out of juice, so I quickly ran over to one of the few remaining phone booths I knew was still operational - and this is what I find.   I mean, these guys are packed in so tight, even the coronavirus decided to leave because it got claustrophobia.  Don’t these morons realize that these phone booths are there to serve a purpose and not for their recreation?   Why, anyone with even a minuscule sense of community knows that these booths are there just in case - should there be a major crisis, Superman still needs a place to change clothes. Use your heads people! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Shares “The Only Good Democrat is a Dead Democrat” Video:   President Trump has tweeted a “thank you” note to New Mexico commissioner and Cowboys For Trump founder Couy Griffin, after the President watched a video of Griffin telling a church congregation that he now has concluded that “the only good Democrat is a dead Democrat,” to roaring applause - and who then, after remembering he was being recorded, tried to claim he only meant figuratively. Gee, as I remember it, when the President is sworn in - he solemnly swears to faithfully “execute” the Office of President of the United States.  Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I just can’t seem to remember anything in there about “executing Democrats” too.  Why, I’m almost beginning to believe this Mr. Trump - may not be such a nice fellow. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Signs Order to Allow Punishing Social Media Over Site Content:   President Trump signed an executive order on Thursday that could open the door for the U.S. government to assume oversight of political speech on the Internet, the new directive seeks to change a federal law that has spared tech companies from being sued or held liable for most posts, photos and videos shared by people who use their sites. Now, as scary as all this may seem, the funny thing is - is that most of us who’ve read Orwell have always assumed that “Big Brother” would end up being a ruthlessly efficient organization of “evil Bond geniuses,” not a bunch of babbling, half-wits - working for a mentally challenged moron who just loves conspiracy theories and who has the attention span of a fire ant. Anyway, it appears that the good folks over in Trumplandia believe that the Second Amendment is the only “real” amendment.  Now, I realize geography isn’t one of his strongest suits, but sometimes I thi

Trump Accuses Twitter of Interfering in the 2020 Presidential Election:   President Donald Trump accused Twitter of interfering in the 2020 presidential election after the company attached a fact check to two of his tweets that made false claims about widespread voter fraud with mail-in ballots.   So, if I understand this correctly, the Trump Campaign apparently appears to feel that telling the truth is evidence of "political bias.”  Interesting, but I think I’ve got an easy solution for them.  If you don’t like being fact-checked by Twitter, why not just try telling the truth? Of course, I suppose one could argue that if someone actually needs Twitter to help them decide whether or not they can actually believe anything that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth - then they’ve obviously got much bigger issues than Twitter they’re dealing with.   All I can say is, it’s probably a damn good thing Trump wasn’t President during WW II, or we’d all be speaking German right

Gun Rights Advocates Hang Kentucky Gov. Beshear in Effigy:   Gun rights advocates sparked outrage after their “Second Amendment Freedoms” protest against Kentucky’s stay-at-home orders - culminated in the hanging of Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear in effigy from a tree outside the State Capitol in Frankfort.  Attached to Gov. Beshear’s dummy was a quote from John Wilkes Booth, which was strung around his neck, while other protesters banged on the windows and doors of the Governor's Mansion, demanding that Beshear come out. Now, what the hell does “gun rights” have to do with the coronavirus?  I guess they must think they can kill the virus with an AR-15.  Now, before you laugh, I suppose this makes just about as much sense as injecting bleach.  The bottom line is, everyone has the right to “act stupid.”  Unfortunately, these folks aren’t acting. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Starving Rats Resorting to Cannibalism as Restaurant Food Supplies Disappear:   The CDC is warning that urban rats are growing increasingly aggressive amid the coronavirus epidemic as their usual food supply dries up with all the restaurant closures, with many of those rats becoming so desperate they’ve resorted to cannibalism and infanticide, just to survive. Gee, so does that mean this story falls under the category of good news or bad news?  Anyway, not to be critical, but I have to point out that many of those rats were also not following adequate social distancing practices either.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I saw many of them without masks protesting at the state capitol building in Michigan recently.   All I know is, there’s sure gonna be a lot of disappointed people when, after having been pent-up in their houses for all this time, are finally are allowed to head out to their favorite restaurant - so they call and try and book themselves a nice table only to find tha

Trump Hits the Golf Course to Kick Off the Summer Season:  With the coronavirus death toll nearing 100,000 and the country facing it’s worst jobless numbers since the Great Depression, President Trump apparently decided its high time to kick off the summer season by heading out to his private Virginia country club for a round of golf. Gee, it must be a slow day at the office.  Either that, or there’s nothin on TV.  Anyway, the good news is our President (if he so chooses), could now tip his caddy a little extra bonus with some of that money he got on his stimulus check.   And, while the haters are gonna hate - in all fairness, no one can honestly say Mr Trump didn’t accomplish a lot.  I mean, 100,000 dead and 36,000,000 unemployed?  Those, my friends, are some staggering numbers!  And now, it’s Miller time, and here’s to a Memorial Day like no other.  Why, it could even become a campaign slogan - “America Mourns -  Trump Golfs.” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Attacks Fox News for Doing Nothing to Help Get Him Reelected:  President Trump has been escalating his months-long feud with Fox News, this time complaining that they were "doing nothing to help" get him re-elected in November. Good grief, everything else aside, just how corrupt and incompetent do you have to be - in order to make a sleaze-bag organization like Fox News not feel comfortable enough to endorse you?  Personally, I think the President should cut them a little slack.  I mean, how many lies and blunders can you expect them to cover up in just one term?  Anyway, is it just me, or did Donald Trump just admit that he thinks of Fox News as little more than his “personal propaganda arm?”  Now, wait just a minute Mr. President!  It isn't supposed to be the media's job to get you reelected.  I’m pretty sure that responsibility falls on your reelection campaign and Russian President Vladimir Putin. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

QAnon Follower Wins US Senate Republican Primary in Oregon:   Jo Rae Perkins, a rabid follower of QAnon, an extremist conspiracy theory built around the belief that high-ranking government officials were kidnapping, abusing, torturing and killing children, a plot which has quickly spread all the way from the fringes of far right-wing social media sites, directly into mainstream Republican circles thanks to President Donald Trump, has won the Republican primary for US Senate in Oregon. Now, if you remember, QAnon people are the nice folks who brought us “Pizzagate” back in 2016.  That little tall tale resulted in a heavily-armed North Carolina man attempting a “rescue mission” of kids he believed - after watching numerous QAnon YouTube videos - were being held as sex slaves in the basement of a Washington DC pizzeria by none other than Hillary Clinton and her gang.   Sadly, for our rescuer, it turned out there were a few minor details which were in all the YouTube videos, but

Trump Threatens to Permanently End All Funding to the WHO:   An angry President Trump tweeted a letter he had sent to the World Health Organization, accusing the WHO Director-General of making "repeated missteps” and telling them they have 30 days to major substantive improvements or he will make the US funding freeze permanent and reconsider US membership in the organization.   President Trump described the WHO’s actions as both disgusting and incompetent - adding that every American should be absolutely livid that we have been funding these sleazeballs for all these years.   The President then added that while he realizes many Americans may be too young to remember, the WHO’s “Tommy” album alone sold over 20 million copies back in 1969 - so perhaps if they hadn’t blown all their money on hookers and porn stars - they wouldn’t need to be begging the US for a big handout right now. Meanwhile, back here in the USA, many Americans think they have a much better idea in

Trump Claims He's Taking Hydroxychloroquine to Guard Against Virus:   President Donald Trump said Monday that he is taking the drug hydroxychloroquine to protect against the new coronavirus, despite warnings from his own government that the drug has potentially fatal side effects and has not been shown to combat the new coronavirus. Well, I guess about all anyone can really say to that news is - good luck with that decision Mr President, and we hope the drug does everything for you that experts say it can. But, as we know, our President doesn’t really concern himself with all that “sciency stuff.”  He says he’s been taking hydroxychloroquine because he’s heard a lot of "good stories” about the drug.  That said, I’m pretty certain you could also hear plenty of “good stories” about crack, meth and heroin - depending upon whomever you might choose to ask. As for me, all I know is - I’ve been taking Flintstone Vitamins every day since this doggone pandemic started,

Trump Threatens Twitter and Facebook Over Illegal Situation:   While quoting Holocaust denier Michelle Malkin in a recent Twitter post, President Trump is vowing to "remedy" what he claims is the "command and control" of social media and the web giants Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Google by the "Radical Left.” Now, only Donald Trump would have the nerve to go on Twitter to complain about how he and his followers aren’t able to use Twitter.  Either that, or Putin called him to complain about how fast Facebook’s been shutting all his fake Russian troll’s profile pages.  Well, I guess there’s always Myspace.   Now, in all fairness, there is some degree of truth about the left’s domination of social media, but that’s simply because in order to post, you first must have the ability to read and understand instructions - not to mention it also doesn’t hurt to know how to spell.  That could prove a wee bit challenging for the average Trump cultist.  

Owner Claims Her Salon is Also Ministry and Should Be Allowed to Reopen:   The owner of a faith-based, Christian hair salon in Appleton, Wisconsin, has filed a federal lawsuit arguing the state’s coronavirus safer-at-home order violates her First Amendment rights to freedom of religion, speech, and assembly.  Well, I know just how she feels.  She's probably just had it up to “hair” with all that government repression and decided to go to court before a cop comes by and “locks” her up.  Rest a-sheared, if she stays open without permission, there could be hell toupee and that just doesn’t cut it.  Meanwhile, critics argue if the court permits the salon to reopen, other businesses may soon try the same ploy - and before you know it, we’ll have things like the Leviticus Lumber Company, the Oh, For Christ’s Saké Beverage Company and Jump’n Jesus’ Jamba Juice Bar.  And, as a bonus, because they’re ministries, they’d all get to operate tax-free. https://www.johnnyrobishcom

Evangelicals Claim the Mark of the Beast Will Be In Coronavirus Vaccine:   Polls show Evangelical Christians say they will not get a vaccination to protect them from the coronavirus when one becomes available, because they see the whole coronavirus situation as a Deep State socialist plot, involving Bill Gates, George Soros and Dr. Anthony Fauci - to “gain control of us” through a vaccine that contains “some sort of human tracking device.” Sure, makes sense to me!  Especially, when you consider most of these same folks paid hundreds and hundreds for their smartphones, which have GPS, altimeters, location services, gyroscopes, accelerometers, you name it - not to mention additionally shelling out another $50-$125 a month to hook up to some ubiquitous cellphone network - and all so they can then post conspiracy theories about Bill Gates and Dr Anthony Fauci’s devious plot to use the coronavirus vaccine as a cover to inject them with a chip that can track them.   Brilliant!  In

Georgia Battles 4-Foot Lizard That Officials Say “Eats Whatever It Wants:”  Concerned wildlife officials say 4-foot-long Argentine black and white tegu lizards, that are capable of eating “just about anything they want,” are taking over Georgia and devouring its wildlife.  These lizards were likely originally released into the wild by exotic pet owners after they became too large to care for. Good grief!  Last week it was giant wasps and today its giant lizards?  And, if that isn’t bad enough, the Trump Administration is now considering releasing Michael dangerous predators like Michael Flynn, Roger Stone, and Paul Manafort back into the wild. On a positive note, experts say issues such as these are primarily only a problem in “red states,” noting that its not really a major concern in areas of the country where civilized people with triple-digit IQs tend to live. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Foreshadows How He Might Undermine Next Election:   Donald Trump and Fox News hosts have been falsely accusing Democrats of trying to “steal” Tuesday’s special election in the isolated desert town of Lancaster, California, by adding a polling place in one of the most diverse sections of a district - even though it was the area’s Republican mayor who requested it in the first place.  So, let me get this straight.  The Republican definition of “trying to steal an election,” is when you try and make voting more accessible for all Americans.  Perhaps Trump could ask Putin and the Russians to oversee our November elections again?  Now, those guys really seem to know how to run an election. The funny thing is, President Trump actually did put together a “commission” to investigate voter fraud, but he had to quickly disband it - after it became obvious that the only fraudulent voters they were snagging - were Trump Republicans. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Critics Blast Large Corporations Taking Millions Meant for Small Businesses:   A recent Associated Press investigation found that at least 147 large, publicly-traded companies received $555 million of potentially forgivable loans, which were supposed to go to help small businesses stay afloat - this, after President Trump quickly eliminated the job of the guy who was supposed to provide oversight on this money shortly after the stimulus bill passed. Gee, now it seems Trump Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin is saying he doesn’t think it was appropriate for these corporations to have accepted that money.   And, while that sounds like such a compassionate thing for him to say, how in the hell does Mr Treasury Secretary-pants plan to explain why these corporations were on the list to receive money in the first place?   I mean, who knew a company with over 500 employees was a “small business?“  Meanwhile, Republicans like Mitch McConnell are busy calling the piddly $1200 stimu

Coronavirus Task Force Spokesperson Katie Miller Tests Positive for COVID-19:   Katie Miller, the spokeswoman for the White House’s coronavirus task force and wife of white nationalist Stephen Miller, has tested positive for COVID-19.  When asked about the situation, President Trump said: ”She tested very good for a long period of time - then, all of a sudden today, she tested positive - and I have no idea why."  Well, Mr President, not to worry.  I’m pretty sure most folks with an IQ in the triple digits already have a pretty good idea as to why.  I mean, who could have known those CDC folks and medical experts actually knew what they’re talking about?   By the way Mr President, that’s really profound how you point out that “she tested very good for a long period of time - then, all of a sudden, she tests positive.”  A statement like that really gives people a lot of confidence that you folks know what the hell you’re doing.  Anyway, I’d send her out a big bunch of

Trump Taps Top Donor to Lead Struggling U.S. Postal Service:   Businessman Louis DeJoy, a huge donor to President Donald Trump ($360K) and the Republican National Committee ($70K), has been picked to replace current Postmaster General Megan Brennan, a Barak Obama appointee who’s held the post for the past 5 years and has been with the USPS for 34 years. Well, if you remember back during the 2016 campaign, Trump did claim he knew “all the best people.”  Of course, we now know he’d never dream of appointing any of those “best people” - but he knows them.   You see folks, it works kind of all boils down to this…“Qualifications?  We don’t need no stinking qualifications!”  Hey, that gives me an idea.  I wonder if I buy a huge bunch of those MAGA hats, if Trump would appoint me US Ambassador to Hawaii? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Economists Warn Many Businesses May Never Reopen:  As President Trump and many Republican governors are making the decision to disregard health expert’s warnings and reopen the country for business, it’s becoming pretty obvious that for some businesses, it may already be a bit too late.   For example, here’s a place I dropped by earlier in the day, hoping to grab a quick takeout lunch to eat back home.  Unfortunately, the only person there appeared to be one of the fry cooks - and he was dead.   Hell, even the rats have abandoned the joint.  And the roaches told me they’ll be soon gone too, just as soon as their $1200 Trump stimulus checks are all spent. And you know what, as I drove home - it occurred to me that this must be exactly the way it was way back in the Neanderthal days, when they roamed around, searching everywhere for some food - and nothing was open. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Disbanding Coronavirus Task Force While U.S. Cases Are Rising:   While touring a mask production facility in Phoenix while wearing no mask, President Trump confirmed rumors that he will be disbanding the White House coronavirus task force in the coming weeks, even as the number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 in the US continues to rise. Wait a minute, isn’t that a bit of like sending the firefighters back to the station while the house is still burning - so the Fire Captain can get back to watching TV? Anyway, it certainly sounds like it’s time for Mr Trump to find himself a nice, big battleship and declare "Mission Accomplished!”  And, of course, what could possibly be fitting to represent the President’s leadership during this pandemic, then the USS Arizona. Not to mention, and on a more positive note, disbanding the coronavirus task force will also at free-up more time for Jared Kushner and Mike Pence to get back to doing what they really do best - which i

Trump Cheers On Governors Ignoring WH Coronavirus Guidelines:  Even as deaths here in the US have soared to over 70,000 with no end in sight, Republican governors have been racing to reopen their states for business, basically ignoring White House guidelines - and their biggest cheerleader is none other than President Donald Trump. Well, sounds like the funeral industry is gonna do quite well anyway.  Of course, given that just about everyone’s broke, folks may end up having to bury those loved ones in their back yards.  Ah, no big deal, I’m sure the neighbors won’t mind.  And who knows, maybe Trump and his pals can arrange some like of tax break for that. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Yet Another Tragic Pandemic Tale From Right Out of LA:  Paid a visit the other day to an old friend named “Cliff,” who has a place up in the mountains overlooking LA.  As you can see, Cliff’s the kind of a guy who enjoys “living on the edge.”  Now, I realize we’re all supposed to be self-distancing these days, but I went over because Cliff was feeling really down - at least for a guy who lives way up.   Turns out, Cliff’s wife Mona - had suddenly left him.  Not intensionally, mind you - for you see, Mona was a sleep-walker.  Now, I know some of you are going to ask, why in the hell would a woman allow herself “fall” for a guy named Cliff - who lives off the side of a mountain?  Well, it’s like I told you, Mona was a sleep-walker - so I guess it was just a matter of physics. Anyway, while all this may seem like a really sad tale, it really isn’t.  That’s because it has a rather happy ending.  You see, I also have another friend, who happens to work as a seismologist - and he

New Trump Press Secretary Tells Reporters She’ll Never Lie to Them:  At her first briefing ever as White House press secretary, former conservative news contributor Kayleigh McEnany announced that she “will never lie to reporters.” Well then, I guess that pretty much means this press briefing is now over.  And with that, Kayleigh McEnany begins her first press conference with a lie.  I mean, she just started her job, by lying about not lying.   The way I see it, about the only way someone can be a Trump press secretary and not lie, would be to follow in the footsteps of her predecessor Stephanie Grisham, and never hold a press conference.  Wonder if it ever occurred to her, that if she feels she has to announce that she “will never lie to reporters” at her first press briefing - what is that saying about the President’s past three years?   Anyway, we wish her “good luck with that,” because either way - in 3 months, it’s a pretty safe bet we’ll be watching her compet

Hundreds of Armed Protesters Gather at Michigan’s State Capitol:  Hundreds of armed protesters, many carrying assault rifles, assorted flags and pro-Trump signs, gathered at Michigan’s state Capitol on Thursday for what they termed the “American Patriot Rally,” demanding entry onto the state Senate floor to confront lawmakers about to debate an extension of the stay-at-home order, which medical professionals say will help curtail the spread of the novel coronavirus. Gee, how odd that these “patriots” haven’t been harassing states with Republican governors - where the very same social distancing and quarantine rules are in effect.  I know they miss going to their favorite tattoo parlors and monster truck shows, but come on!   Then, I wondered why in the world would these “patriots” need assault rifles to protest coronavirus restrictions.  Now, I realize their leader Donald Trump has proposed some rather unusual cures for the virus lately, but I seriously doubt that a bullet f