You've Got to Be Kidding?

Communities Preparing for the Threat of Violence Around Election Day:   With news of the Biden/Harris campaign bus being forced off the road by an angry caravan of Trump supporters in Texas, and President Trump eagerly instructing his private army of militia goons to “monitor” the opposition party’s election polling places, communities across America as well as the National Guard, are preparing for the possibility of violent confrontations on election day November 3rd.     Seriously?  Militia group “election monitors?”  Well, my question is, just exactly what is it these half-wit militia thugs are expecting to “monitor” anyway?  I mean, unless they’ve somehow acquired x-ray vision, how the hell could they possibly determine the validity of someone’s sealed ballot?  Oh wait, maybe that’s done by race? Anyway, you do have to kind of admire their determination though.  After all, these gracious folks have agreed to interrupt their very important work of hunting down Sasquatch - to com

Man Kills Waitress Who Asked Him to Extinguish His Cigarette:  A Mississippi man is under arrest after police say he gunned down a Waffle House waitress who had simply asked him to put out his cigarette while he was inside the restaurant.   Police are describing the incident as an open-and-shut case, adding that they’ve already recovered the “smoking” gun.  Meanwhile, an NRA spokesperson reminded reporters that “guns are not the problem here - waffles are.”  Health officials countered that this is just another example of how cigarettes can kill.   Back at the restaurant, some local hunters were also chiming-in, and while not fully condoning the shooter’s behavior, they did point out that actions such as these are occasionally necessary in small, rural communities - in order to keep the local waitress population in check.   An NRA spokesman then told the crowd that the obvious solution was to immediately arm all Waffle House waitresses throughout the state of Mississippi.  Now, I h

Trump Administration Moves to End Protections for Iconic Gray Wolf:   CNN is reporting that the Trump administration moved Thursday to remove all “endangered species protections” for the gray wolf, paving the way for the iconic predator to be more widely hunted, even though they remain “functionally extinct” in the vast majority of their former range. OK, we get it - votes are more important than endangered species.  After all, gray wolves don’t vote!  Although, I do have to admit, it’s sometimes rather difficult to distinguish between a group of Trump supporters - and a pack of hungry wolves.  I guess the difference being, wolves are capable of showing compassion. Now, one thing’s for sure, with Trump, Don Jr, and all his NRA pals, running around hunting down the all the gray wolves in their fancy, air-conditioned Range Rovers, expect sales of Combe’s new hair color - Just for Wolves - to go right through the roof.   That said, these sleazeballs had better be careful what they

Kushner Told Woodward Trump is the Getting Country Back from the Doctors:   In his new book, journalist Bob Woodward says White House senior adviser Jared Kushner told him last April that President Trump’s response to the coronavirus pandemic had progressed to the point where the President is now finally "getting the country back from the doctors . ” Oh, I get it now.  What Kushner’s basically telling us is, the virus isn’t the problem - the doctors are!  Now, I hate to admit it, but Jared really does make a point which could prove quite useful for our nation’s Trump supporters - especially after Trump’s new Supreme Court strikes down that evil Obamacare.   Now, here’s the plan.  If you’re in the Trump cult, the next time you go to the doctor, and they try and to give you one of those damn “medical diagnoses,” just tell ‘em they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about - then, go ask your preacher why you’re coughing up blood and having trouble breathing.   Now, I’m

White House Science Office Claiming Trump Ended COVID-19 Pandemic:  The White House’s Office of Science and Technology Policy lists "ending the COVID-19 pandemic" as the top accomplishment of President Trump’s first term, even as the U.S. continues to set records for new daily infections and numerous hospitals across the country are stretched to their breaking points. Oh, what a relief!  Did ya hear that America?  The pandemic’s over - so you can stop dying now!  Gee, I’ll bet those 83,000 folks who were just diagnosed today, will definitely be surprised to hear this.   Of course, the truth is - Donald Trump didn’t really stop the pandemic at all.  What he actually did was - he stopped doing anything about the pandemic.  And, while I’m sure that nuance will confuse Trump supporters, there is a difference. That said, kind of makes you wonder just who the hell is running the White House Science Office anyway - Ivanka or Eric?  One thing’s for sure, whoever it is, needs to hav

Corporations Doling Out Millions to Executives Before Filing Chapter 11:  New data indicate that since the pandemic struck last March, at least 18 large corporations, including Hertz, Neiman Marcus and J.C. Penney, awarded their executives with six- and seven-figure bonus payouts, totaling more than $135 million, just prior to asking bankruptcy courts to shield them from creditors during restructuring, then collectively claimed to be more than $79 billion in debt and began firing thousands of employees. So, apparently “looting” turns out to be perfectly acceptable to Republicans after all.  That is, just as long as it’s executives who are doing the looting and not poor people.  And, it’s all part of the 2020 Republican campaign’s "Executive Lives Matter” initiative. Now, the way I see it, there’s a lesson to be learned in all this for our young people - and that lesson is “if you fail, and fail often, and fail badly enough, you just might be CEO material for some large, mult

NC Townsfolk Fear Solar Farm Might Suck Up All the Sun’s Light:  Angry residents of the North Carolina town of Woodland, have voted in a town council meeting to kill a proposed solar farm project in their area, out of fear that the solar panels would suck up all of the sun’s energy - thereby killing-off all local plant life, by preventing photosynthesis. Wow, disaster narrowly averted!  Thank goodness the citizens of this community were able to put their 3rd grade educations to good use and fight back against these damnable, sun-sucking, solar panels!  Shortly after the council’s vote, jubilant Woodland citizens were then treated to a celebratory concert, featuring dueling banjos at the local chapter of the Flat Earth Society, just down the road. And, while most townsfolk seemed happy with the vote, others expressed grave concerns about other hidden dangers, such as “shadows" and "Daylight Saving Time,” which could also pose a treat to photosynthesis - adding it might ju

USGS Says Human Feces Contains Gold Worth Millions:  In one of those truth-is-stranger-than-fiction stories, experts at the US Geological Survey say they’ve discovered human feces contains enough gold, platinum and silver, that - if retrieved - could be worth upwards of hundreds of millions of dollars.   The agency further estimates that the value of the metal in the biological waste from only one million Americans, may be worth as much as $13 million.   Wait a minute, if my calculations are correct, that’s roughly $13 - for every time you sit on the crapper!  Hell, maybe it’s time to start thinking about going back on that high-fiber diet again.  Now, pardon my skepticism, but I’m finding this story a bit hard to digest.   I mean, what the hell kind of upside-down, crazy, insane “gold rush" is this supposed to be?  Are you trying to tell me that that “pot of gold” we’ve all dreamed about, is actually my commode?  Say it isn’t so!  I’ll tell ya this much, this sure is no time

Experts Say Trump’s Massive Debts Make Him a Serious Security Risk:  If reelected, analysts say Donald Trump will be facing payment deadlines on $421 million of outstanding loan debt over the next four years, meaning the President will owe enormous sums of money to banks his government is responsible to regulate.   Meanwhile, national security experts point out that Trump’s indebtedness to numerous foreign banks and entities, constitute a serious security risk by making him vulnerable to influence by foreign governments.   Gee, funny how someone is required to go through a much more rigorous background and credit check to get a job as a cashier, then they would to become President of the United States.  Guess they just figure - if you’re running for political office, you’re probably crook anyway, so why even bother. One thing’s for sure, Trump’s financial reputation is so tarnished, he really needs to find someone still willing to license that Trump name.  He needs to find an indu

Louisiana Woman Tells Police the Meth Found in Her Groin Not Hers:   Police say that shortly after her arrest, a Louisiana woman tried to convince them that she had no idea where the meth they found in her groin area during a full body search came from. Now, before you laugh — it’s possible she may be on the up-and-up.  I’ll tell ya this much, if I only had a nickel for every time the cops found meth stuffed in one of my body parts - I sure as hell wouldn’t have to be here on Hollywood Blvd, trying to sell fake maps to the star’s homes every damn day. Besides, who could possibly control everything that goes on in their groin area?  I mean, did anyone even bother to consider that maybe she was just renting it out to someone - you know, like they do with those self-storage lockers you see over on Olympic Blvd in West Los Angeles?   Anyway, police say when they got her back to the station, they performed a more extensive search of the area, which additionally rendered two gold watche

Televangelist Claims Sex with Cows Will Be Legal If Biden Wins:   Televangelist Frank Amedia, is warning followers that they’d better vote for Donald Trump and the Republicans in the upcoming election, or Joe Biden’s liberal agenda will take hold and the next thing you know, everyone will be having “perverse sex with cows. Now, some of you may laugh, but I get his point.  As a bona fide “ Donald Trump Christian ,” Pastor Amedia feels we need to take the country back to its moral foundations.  You know, back to the days when we had respect for the i nstitution of marriage, and men only cheated on their wives - not on their livestock!   Come to think of it, guess that pretty much explains why conservatives are always advocating for “herd immunity.”  I mean, let us not forget that Mary had a little lamb.  The last thing Mary needs now, is for some liberal like Joe Biden to steer her toward other barnyard animals. Now, what I don’t get is, why evangelicals are so worried Biden’s gonn

Trump Says Public Tired of the Pandemic and Fauci’s Public Health Restrictions:   In a call with his campaign staff Monday, President Trump dismissed precautions designed to prevent the spread of Covid-19, arguing that people are getting sick and tired of all this focus on the pandemic, describing Dr. Fauci as a “disaster” and adding that “People are tired of listening to Fauci and these idiots.” Well, people may indeed be tired of hearing about the coronavirus, but I’d much rather be tired of “hearing” about the virus, than be dead from it.  The problem with that line of thinking is - the coronavirus is not quite tired of people yet.  I mean, I’m sick and tired of going to dentists too, but that doesn’t mean if I get a toothache, I’m gonna instead seek out Kellyanne Conway’s help on the matter. And, what the hell’s with this attack on Dr. Fauci?  I mean, calling Dr. Fauci a “disaster” and an “idiot?”  Kinda makes you wonder, who’s gonna be next on his hit list - Santa Claus, the

San Francisco Experimenting With Urine-Repellant Paint:  The smell of urine in some areas of San Francisco has become so strong, the city’s Public Works Agency has been testing a new pee-repellant paint, so that anyone who tries to urinate on the specially treated walls - will likely get their urine splattered right back onto them. City officials say the urine smell in the city has become so bad, they were concerned they may be forced to rename the place “San Fran-piss-co.”  Which should really come as no surprise to anyone, given that the place is also known as the “Golden Gate.”   Meanwhile, social scientists say the idea of urine splattering walls could work, but then there’s always the danger that the whole idea might backfire, if it turns out that way too many folks are actually really into that.  Not surprisingly, the plan is strongly opposed by the local “Pee Party,” who’ve adopted the slogan “splattery will get you no wear!”  And, dog owners are expressing concern, poin

White House Was Warned Giuliani Was a Russian-Manipulated Asset:  It’s being reported that as early as January of 2019, the intelligence committee warned Capitol Hill and the White House that Rudy Giuliani was “a target of a Russian intelligence operation, designed to feed disinformation along to President Trump and the White House.” Now, just wait a minute!  You mean to tell me they tried to warn the President that Rudy Giuliani may be a Russian asset?  You can call me crazy, but what’s the point of warning Russia’s primary asset - that his personal attorney may also be a Russian asset? Meanwhile, Michael Cohen says the real problem with Giuliani is that he’s drunk most of the time, and all his faculties are pretty much gone.  Gee, you mean to tell me that “America’s Mayor” Rudy Giuliani, who was once considered “Mr. 9-11,” has now transitioned into “Mr. 90-proof?”  Damn you John Barleycorn! Well, it’s sure comforting to know that our foreign policy is basically being dictated by a

Trump Rejects - Then Approves Emergency Aid for California Wildfires:  President Trump first rejected giving any emergency aid to wildfire-ravaged California, then finally gave in and approved the funds after Governor Gavin Newsom made a personal plea during a phone call to the President. Interesting - especially, when you consider that last year, Trump offered immediate assistance to Putin, when wildfires were raging in Siberia.  Of course, I fully understand that is a completely different type of situation.  After all, California didn’t get Trump elected back in 2016 - Putin did.      Now, not that our dear President would ever consider a Tit-for-tat arrangement or anything of that nature.  I mean, we all know a man of such impeccable ethics as Donald Trump, would never utter anything like “OK, but I need you to do us a favor, though.”   On the other hand, let’s get real.  All Gov. Newsom would have to do, is simply promise Trump he’ll open up an investigation into Hunter Bide

Pastor Claims Christians Who Criticize the President Are Angering God:   Pastor Robert Henderson, a man who proudly declared that his prayers were responsible for killing Ruth Bader Ginsburg and who recently took credit for healing a kid’s pelvis by laying his hands on the youth’s groin, now says Christians who criticize President Trump are violating the ways of the Lord when they try to undermine a President who has been chosen by God. Well, I suppose that all depends on whether or not you believe Vladimir Putin is God.  Now, I’m sure some skeptics are gonna conclude that “if God’s in the business of picking US Presidents, then God must have also picked Barack Obama.   Of course, as I’m sure any good Trump supporter will quickly tell you - it’s not the same at all, in that Barack Obama was chosen by Allah, not God.   Oddly enough, Pastor Henderson claims all of these issues are ultimately decided up in the “the courts of heaven.”  Now, my question is, why would heaven even hav

White House Promotion of Herd Immunity Appalls Top Scientists:   With more than 20 states setting new records for coronavirus infections in recent days, the White House has been still busy pushing the completely unproven theory of "herd immunity” - which means allowing the virus to spread freely among healthy young people, while keeping most aspects of the economy up and running.   To promote the theory, the White House has been relying on a small community of rogue scientists like Dr. Scott Atlas, and ignoring the warnings of the rest of the scientific community. Oh yeah, I “herd" about that theory!  In fact, I’m pretty sure the Herd Immunity Theory originally came out of the Dr. Josef Mengele branch of medicine.  Well, sounds like it’s finally time to roundup all those folks in that deadbeat over-60 crowd - and send them off to “granny ghettos” - for their own “protection,” of course.  That said, for better or worse, I do fully understand the point Republican’s are

Trump Addresses Cheering Supporters at White House Event:   In what Dr. Anthony Fauci referred to as a “super-spreader event,” President Donald Trump made his first public appearance since being hospitalized with the coronavirus, rallying hundreds of cheering supporters for a campaign-style comeback event on the White House lawn, jumping back into the race, even as the White House refused to deny he might still contagious. Gee, and what a sight to behold it was!  Why, we have “Don Perón,” strolling up on his balcony - and the choir singing "Don't cry for me, Miss Universe.”  Then, Trump grabs the microphone and rattles-off a rather disturbing rant, detailing all the horrifying, dystopian things going on in American these days.   OK, fair enough, but I wonder if anyone’s bothered to mention to the President, that all of these horrible, dreadful things he’s been complaining about, are actually happening - under his watch? I mean, I know Donald Trump’s one helluva con-art

Gretchen Whitmer Says President is Stoking Violence in America:   In response to the arrests of 13 right-wing domestic terrorist militia members, who were recently arrested while preparing for a coup by kidnapping and possibly killing her and her children, Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer blamed the President and his spokespeople for stoking the fires of hate - by sending out dog whistles to violent groups such as Proud Boys with messages like “Stand Back and Stand by.” Well, just how does Gov. Whitmer think folks with heads full of Fox News are supposed to act anyway, when all they wanna do is head down to the liquor store or a tattoo parlor - and she forces ‘em to put on a silly mask?   Talk about destroying the mood!  Hell, you walk into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get some macho tattoo like “We Hate Baby Harp Seals” - and then some “girl governor” tells you that you have to put on a sissy mask?  And then people wonder why they wanna kidnap her and her children?  Dahhh!   Meanwh

Donald Trump Describes Getting COVID-19 as a Blessing From God:   President Donald Trump just posted what many are describing as a very confusing new video on Twitter, in which he claimed that his getting the COVID-19 virus, was actually a “blessing from God.” Gee, not to sound critical, but what kind of “blessing” kills a million people?  Now, if that’s a blessing, I definitely don’t wanna see what His idea of a curse looks like!  And, why send a pandemic?  I mean, have lightning bolts gotten way too expensive these days?  After all, can’t have God running over budget. Now, to be honest, and what I don’t get is - if Trump’s correct, and this great big, horrible mess we’re all in, truly is a “blessing from God” - then why stick all the taxpayers with the bill?   I mean, let’s get real here, if God was really trying to send Trump a message, my guess is - He’d have turned Trump into a block of stone a helluva long time ago. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Trump Campaign Advisors Defend Not Using COVID-19 Precautions:   Two Trump campaign advisers were busy defending the President’s approach to the coronavirus on Sunday’s political talk show circuit, by mocking Democratic rival Joe Biden’s decision to wear a face mask - taking this stance, even though the President has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. Of course, given the fact that Trump is against both government healthcare and paying taxes, some might be interested in knowing just how much Trump’s decision to politicize face masks is now gonna cost American taxpayers.  The answer is, we don’t really know yet, but you can bet it’s gonna be a wee bit more than the $750 Trump contributed in taxes last year.    But, gee whiz - to think the Trump campaign is still mocking out wearing face masks at this stage of the game?  I mean, we’re now just short of 215,000 deaths.  Good grief, forget MAGA - it sounds like Trump’s new campaign slogan ought to be something like “Lets All Croak To

Hospitalized Trump Launches Eric and Don Jr Operation MAGA Tour:   President Trump’s re-election campaign has just announced the launch of “Operation MAGA,” featuring Trump surrogates Eric, Don Jr, and Lara Trump, to carry the campaign forward until the President is finally able to return to the campaign trail once again. Well, to be completely frank, I never quite understood the thinking behind holding such large, indoor rallies in really close quarters, without masks.  I mean, forget about Covid-19, you’d think folks would wanna be masked and all spread out, just in case Trump lets one of those special “master race farts” of his - slide out into the room! And, by the way, shouldn’t they really be calling this show “Operation Offspring - the Covid-19 Tour” instead?  Geez, and just when you thought tractor pulls, the Kardashians, Roller Derby, mud wrestling and the Apprentice - were about as trashy as entertainment can possibly get! Now, call me cynical, but I just don’t see lots

President Trump Sent to Walter Reed Following Covid Diagnosis:  President Trump arrived at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Friday evening, for a visit White House officials are describing as simply “precautionary.”   This, after both he and his wife Melania were diagnosed with the coronavirus. Well then, all I can say is, thank goodness this Covid-19 thing is “just like the flu,” and “it'll be gone by Easter,” since "We've rounded the final turn.”  I mean, it’s not like it’s a global pandemic or something serious - after all. Meanwhile, some are complaining that the President’s insistence upon not wearing masks, means he could have spread the virus to others, including his own wife.  And, while that may be true, let’s put this in perspective folks.  After all, I’m sure Melania’s certainly not the first woman who’s ever been given a disease by Donald Trump. Of course, no one ever wants to see someone stricken with such a serious illness, and I’ve hone

Food Bank Workers Outraged By Trump Letters in Food-Aid Boxes:  Workers at food banks across the nation are expressing shock and outrage after discovering that, just thirty-five days before the election, the Agriculture Department has began mandating that the millions of boxes of surplus food being distributed to needy families, must include a letter from President Donald Trump claiming credit for the program. I think I’ve got a better idea.  Instead of Mr. Trump’s letter, how about an alternative letter that says “provided by the American taxpayers - and Donald J. Trump is not one of them.”  Of course, and in all fairness, Trump always been very charitable - when it comes to other people's money.  That said, and given the fact that he’s been feeling so generous and passionate towards the poor and unfortunate, I’m positive he’s already taken steps to ensure that each and every one of those boxes are completely filled to the brim with those delicious Trump Steaks and Trump Wine