You've Got to Be Kidding?

DHS Threatens to Send Federal Law Enforcement Into Portland:   After a far right protester, part of a heavily armed 600-vehicle caravan of white nationalist Trump supporters who entered Portland with plans to confront BLM protestors, was fatally shot - acting Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf has been threatening to send in federal law enforcement to confront the BLM protesters - even though Portland officials warn sending in the Feds will only further inflame tensions. Now, let’s see here.  President Trump makes a series of inflammatory speeches, which dog whistle his cult’s white nationalist storm troopers to head into Portland for the sole purpose of using the threat of violence to try and intimidate BLM protesters - and then he blames all the chaos on city officials?  I mean, gee whiz - who could have ever imagined that a heavily armed contingent of angry white nationalists, coming into town with loaded weapons, intent on confronting Black Lives Matter demonstrators, would

Elon Musk’s Neuralink Unveils Pigs with Computer Chips in Their Brains:   Tesla and SpaceX founder Elon Musk has just showcased pigs with computer chips in their brains during his unveiling of Neuralink , an upcoming technology aiming to bring symbiosis between artificial intelligence and the human brain, which Musk hopes will help fight medical conditions such as memory loss, blindness and paralysis. Of course, some folks are now warning that devices such as these, could lead us all down a slippery slope - but, the pigs have been defending their participation in the study, pointing out that all they’re really trying to do - is bring home the bacon, without actually becoming bacon. Who knows, maybe one day soon, you’ll see these porkers driving around town in brand new Teslas.  That said, you can bet the minute they start implanting these devices into humans, some folks will go into existential crisis, every time Neuralink issues a new hardware or software update.   Meanwhile, as

Trump’s Vancouver Hotel Files for Bankruptcy:  The parent company which owns one of President Trump’s newest hotels, the Trump International Hotel in Vancouver, a facility run and managed by the Trump Organization - has filed for bankruptcy, just three years after it opened. Well now, that’s completely understandable.  Let’s face it, Vancouver, Canada isn’t exactly what you would call a good fit for the Trump brand.  After all, Canada is still considered a “democracy.”  Let’s not forget that everything Trump touches, soon dies - including America.  Ironically, according to the promotional video, Eric Trump called Vancouver “one of the great cities of the world,” and “a place that’s so fitting for the Trump brand.”  Well - yes it is , and apparently - no, it wasn’t .”  Gee, and to think all this time, I was under the impression that “bankruptcy” was actually the “Trump brand.”  Silly me! Anyway, I think I’ve actually got an idea that just might work here.  Change the hotel’s name

Republicans Cast Trump as the Best Choice for Women:   Republicans used the GOP convention this week to appeal directly to female voters, with prominent Republican women like White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany - attempting to portray the President as an “advocate for women” as he faces an overwhelming gender gap in his uphill battle for reelection. Well…I’m not so sure about how much the President can be considered an “advocate for women,” but I do know he’s always been a huge supporter of hookers, porn stars and female escorts.  I suppose that oughta count for something.  Of course, the only way we’ll ever really know for sure, is to wait until Sean Hannity finally comments on the issue. Not surprisingly, McEnany, Mike Pence and other Republicans, say this election boils down to nothing less than a choice between the Democrat’s far-left socialist agenda, one hell-bent on destroying America - and Donald Trump, who’s been busy protecting and preserving the “ American Dream

Trump Demands Biden Be Drug Tested Before Their Presidential Debate:   In a recent Oval Office interview, President Trump indicated he will insist that drug tests be administered before next month’s first presidential debate between he and Joe Biden, claiming (without evidence), that the sudden improvement in Biden’s last primary debate performance - may very well be attributed to drugs administered to him before the debate. Drug tests?  Great idea Mr President!  Hell, the debate’s moderator could start everything off - by directing both candidates to pee into a cup behind their podiums.  Of course, as usual - we’ll insist Mexico pay for all the testing.  And, while we’re at it, Biden should demand they also get STD tested.  That ought to shake things up in the Trump camp a bit.  Of course, an argument could be made that anyone who still supports Donald Trump at this stage of the game, is definitely on something that is affecting their judgement.  All I know is, if Biden really wa

Trump Portrayed as Lifesaving Coronavirus Hero at Republican Convention:   At the Republican National Convention, President Trump was hailed as a bold and lifesaving leader, who who stood up to the virus, while Democrats, doctors and pundits got it all wrong from the beginning, downplaying the severity of the virus.   Great point Republicans!  And, let us not forget that Donald Trump was also the courageous hero, who led us to victory in Vietnam.  I mean, if you listen to the Democrats long enough, you’ll walk away thinking that while Americans soldiers were dying on the battlefield, draft dodger Donald Trump - was busy cheating his way through college and getting setup in business by his rich daddy.   Besides, senior Republican officials have already declared the coronavirus loss of life figures as - “acceptable.”  That means it’s time to move on folks!  So, let us all join the Reverend Jerry Falwell Jr., Jim Bakker and other white evangelicals, and get down on our knees and pray

US Mint Asks Americans to Help Tackle Widespread Coin Shortages:  The director of the U.S. Mint is asking Americans to help fight widespread coin shortages, by using exact change for purchases and exchanging the coins you have stashed away, for cash at banks or kiosks - actions that would help improve the massive breakdown in coin circulation. Well, I never thought I’d live to see the day when it finally would come to this.  I mean, to think that the US Government under Donald Trump is now so broke, they’ve started asking folks if they have “any spare change?” Why, if they try and hit me up for some change, I’ll just tell ‘em “I gave at the office.”   Besides, what the hell do I care?  I almost never use coins for anything anyway.  Hey US Mint - “here’s a quarter , call somebody who gives a crap.”  But in all fairness, I’m also someone who only believes in conducting business transactions through bartering in “ colorful feathers or cowrie snail shells ” - but that’s just me. Th

Asteroid Headed Toward Earth a Day Before the November Elections:   In case you haven’t had enough excitement this year, NASA just announced that an asteroid is headed towards Earth, and is expected to arrive one day before the U.S. elections take place in November, though it’s believed the probability of it actually hitting Earth is relatively small.   In fact, even less than the Post Office delivering your mail-in ballot on time. Really?  Now, just what in the hell are we supposed to do about an asteroid heading our way?  Hey, I got an idea!  Wonder if the President could talk Putin into poisoning it?  Either that, or have Trump break out one of his famous sharpies - and simply change the asteroid’s trajectory.  Anyway, not to be negative about 2020 or anything, but now humanity is gonna be forced to figure out how to rid ourselves of one big asteroid and one big asshole - and all in just 24 hours!  And, while I’m certainly no expert on these matters, this sure like a job for “

Trump Says He Appreciates the Support of QAnon Conspiracy Theorists:   When pressed by a reporter about QAnon supporters believing he is secretly saving the world from a cult of pedophiles and cannibals led by Hillary Clinton and several Hollywood celebrates, a baseless theory which the FBI has flagged as a potential domestic terrorist threat, President Trump gave credence to the theory when he shot back - claiming he didn’t know much about them, but “how it can be a bad thing, saving the world from a Satanic cult of pedophiles and cannibals?” Wow, I had no idea that "crazy" had now become such an important Republican voter block in America?  No wonder Republicans vehemently oppose any funding designed to address mental health issues in this country.  I mean, if troubled people started regaining their mental health again, Republicans might lose voters.  Now, in his defense, President Trump did deny knowing very much about these QAnon people, but said he appreciates that they

Source:  BBC.com Senate Report Labels Trump 2016 Campaign a Grave Counterintelligence Threat:   A newly released exhaustive investigation, which was run by members of President Trump’s own political party, is portraying the President’s 2016 campaign as a “grave security threat” to the United States of America, because of its myriad connections to Moscow, eagerness to exploit assistance from the Kremlin, and determination to conceal the full extent of its conduct. As soon as the report became public, many Americans soon began to wonder just how any Republicans could still be supportive of this “band of traitors?”  Well, the answer is, the Republican Party is actually a very big tent…for traitors. Meanwhile, some are even suggesting that Trump and his cohorts, ought be tried and then hung on the White House lawn - for treason.  Of course, no one knows if Trump will ever be hung.  But, one thing we do know is - he’ll never be well-hung .  At least, according Stormy Daniels. https://www.

President Brings in New Doctor to Advise Him on COVID-19 Response:   As tensions grow between the President and Doctors Fauci and Birx, President Trump announced that he’s decided to bring in Fox News Channel’s Dr. Scott Atlas to advise him on the Covid-19 pandemic, even though Dr. Atlas has no expertise in either public health or infectious diseases. So, as we all knew it would, our pandemic response has basically come down to a “calling Dr Howard, Dr Fine, Dr Howard” situation.  Of course, and in all fairness, the President really had no choice in selecting Dr. Atlas, given that Dr Mengele has been dead for so long now. Meanwhile, Trump justified his decision to appoint someone with no infectious disease qualifications, by pointing out that Dr. Atlas is "a very famous man” and “he thinks what we’ve done is really good.” Well, that certainly makes good sense, but damn - it also reminds me of what a golden opportunity I missed to get some solid Covid-19 advice from my proct

Trump Declines to Denounce QAnon Conspiracy Theory:  After QAnon proponent Marjorie Taylor Greene won the Republican primary for Georgia’s 14th Congressional District, President Trump tweeted his congratulations and called her “a future Republican star.”   When asked by AP reporter Jill Colvin specifically about QAnon, all the President would say is “well, she’s very popular” and that “she won by a lot.” Actually, the correct answer to Ms, Colvin’s question is quite simple…the folks who believe in QAnon - also see Trump as a kind of "messiah figure."  And, when you couple that with the fact that “ Trump also sees Trump as a messiah figure” - what’s not for him to like? Now, the big conspiracy theory fostered by QAnon, is that Hillary Clinton and certain Hollywood celebrities - are the masterminds behind a extremely secretive, massive, sex-trafficking pedophile ring.   All I can say to that is, the very idea that Donald Trump is somehow a “ hero” in the fight against

Postal Service Warns States Delays May Disenfranchise Millions of Voters:  Anticipating an avalanche of absentee ballots along with Trump’s refusal to send the agency any emergency funding, the U.S. Postal Service is sending out detailed letters to 46 states and Washington D.C., warning it cannot guarantee all ballots cast by mail for the November election will arrive in time to be counted - which would basically leave tens of millions of voters disenfranchised. All politics aside, when Trump warns everyone about how this election promises to be the most rigged and fraudulent ever , he is absolutely correct.  Of course, what he doesn’t mention is - he will be the one orchestrating it. Compounding the problem, Postal Service whistleblowers warn that management has been sabotaging their efforts to keep the mail flowing, by removing tons of mailboxes, as well as shutting down and dismantling numerous mail sorting machines.   For heaven’s sake, how can this be happening here in Ame

Trump Admits Blocking Postal Service Funding to Prevent Mail-In Voting:  President Trump admitted Thursday that he’s been blocking U.S. Postal Service funding because Democrats seek to expand mail-in voting during the coronavirus pandemic, making it crystal clear why he’s declined to approve $25 billion needed in emergency aid for the cash-strapped agency. Good grief, am I hearing things, or did Trump just say what’s supposed to be the “quiet part,” right out loud?”  Why, even Bond villains know not to do that.  Come on, voter suppression is a federal crime.  Of course, I suppose committing a federal crime isn’t really a big deal - when you control the courts, the DOJ, and the US Senate.    But, even if they did decide to bring charges, Trump is so completely insane - I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to become a federal witness and offer to testify against himself - hoping to get into a federal “Witness Protection Program. Ironically, Trump’s been claiming forever and without e

Newsmax is the New Landing Spot for Ultraconservative Cable News Personalities:   Newsmax is quickly becoming the new home base for scores of ultraconservative cable news personalities, who’s extremist views and trash mouths kept them in constant hot water at their previous places of employment. Oh yeah, I remember Newsmax.  That’s the website that once sold T‑shirts, advocating the killing of journalists.  Newsmax is the new home for former Fox News personalities, who felt that “lying to listeners" just isn’t enough - and that you also need to incite violence.  And folks, it appears Newsmax has been busy raiding the Fox News trash dumpster once again - which means get ready for even more wackos to hit the airwaves. And, surprise, surprise!  I mean, who knew that former trolls, have now reached the status of "news personalities.”  Well, they sure have - right here on this “White Trash Network.  And, who can blame them?  After all, not everyone can “make it” as a televangel

Fox News Host Shocked To Learn Children Can Also Get COVID-19:   Referring to a new report which found that in last two weeks of July, more than 97,000 children tested positive for the coronavirus,” an astonished Fox & Friends co-host Ainsley Earhardt remarked ”that was such a shock to me, because I had heard kids really don’t get it.” No, Ms. Earhardt - I pretty sure it’s you and not the children who “really don’t get it.”  Now, in all fairness, it’s really not her fault.  After all, being well-informed is not exactly a job requirement for hosting a show over at Fox News.  On the other hand, being blonde is - and, she’s certainly well-qualified on that count. Now, as to what she should do about finding herself to be totally ignorant about coronavirus facts like “children can also get the coronavirus,” about the only thing I can think to suggest to her is…“stop watching FOX News!” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Secret Service Shoots Someone Outside White House:   President Trump was forced to suddenly exit his coronavirus briefing Monday evening, amid reports that the Secret Service had shot an armed gunman outside the White House grounds, who was then transported to the hospital. Gee, a gunman outside the White House?  I don’t get it - Trump is beloved by everyone.  Had to have been either Hunter Biden or Hillary Clinton.  So, I guess that means the President is back "inspecting" his bunker again.  Let’s hope Pence is keeping it well stocked. Of course, these days - if a female reporter asks a tough question or a stray cat runs across the White House lawn, Trump heads directly to his bunker.  Anyway, Trump is fine and returned to the podium in just 10 minutes.  All it took was a quick change of his soiled pants and he was back in action - ready to go. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Intelligence Data Indicates Russia Actively Trying to Interfere in US Election:  New intelligence data show that while China may actually “prefer” Joe Biden over Donald Trump, China’s efforts are more like classic spying, while Russia is “actively working” to meddle in our elections on Trump’s behalf.   When cornered about the issue, White House National Security Adviser Robert O’Brien admitted Russia is trying to interfere, but added that “it’s not just Russia, the Chinese don’t want the President reelected.”    Perhaps, but I got some bad news for O’Brien.  Roughly two thirds of Americans, and probably 90% of the rest of the world - don’t want to see Trump reelected either.  Besides, Trump is doing more then China could ever dream of, to sabotage himself.  Hell, not only does Trump not wanna prevent foreign election tampering, he’s actually counting on it.   The fact is, while Chinese leaders may “prefer" Joe Biden over Donald Trump, their real choice is Libertarian preside

Trump Pledges to Permanently Cut Taxes That Fund Social Security and Medicare:  In one of his most controversial moves yet, President Trump said if he wins reelection in November, he will implement a permanent cut to the payroll taxes which fund Social Security and Medicare - cuts which experts call a very serious threat for the future of two our country’s main safety nets. Gee whiz, cutting off the taxes that fund Social Security and Medicare?  You can bet that likely has poor FDR rolling over in his grave!  Which is kind of a shame, because I suspect at this point, most Americans would much prefer that it was Donald Trump doing the all rolling. Anyway, I guess what his grand scheme boils down to is this - if the virus doesn’t finally kill off all the elderly, the frail, and the infirmed, then massive funding cuts to their healthcare and Social Security - sure ought to finish off the job.   Meanwhile, even conservative economists are cautioning Republican leaders, that this ne

Jerry Falwell Jr. On Indefinite Leave Following Provocative Photo:  The executive committee of the board of trustees announced that they have met with Liberty University President and prominent Trump supporter Jerry Falwell Jr., and requested he take an indefinite leave of absence, after Falwell posted a sexually provocative photo to social media which drew widespread harsh criticism, including Republican allies and other evangelical leaders.     In all fairness, Falwell is claiming that the dark liquid in his glass is really “only water.”  All I can say is, if that’s “only water,” then he had to have gotten it from the Flint, Michigan water supply.  Now, I hate to sound skeptical, but who the hell imports Flint, Michigan water onto their $100 million yacht? Anyway, there’s a clear message here for Liberty University students - and that message is quite simple - if you ever find yourself one day getting drunk aboard your $100 million yacht, whatever you do - never attempt to post

Trump Claims Biden Is Against God and Will Hurt the Bible:   President Trump is claiming that presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee and practicing Catholic Joe Biden, is "against God" and will “hurt the Bible,” adding that Biden will also "take away your guns, take away your Second Amendment,” so there’ll be “no religion, no anything.” Now, when the President claims that Biden is gonna hurt God, it’s important to remind Trump supporters that Donald Trump isn’t really God.  He just wants to be. Like that interview the other day - when they asked him about the rising Covid-19 death toll, and all Trump could say was “well, it is what it is.”  Good point!  Kind of reminds me of that time Jesus walked into a leper colony and said “well, it is what it is.”  I’m tellin’ ya, the parallels here, are downright eerie. Folks, if you ask me, it all boils down to that age-old question, “why did the big chicken cross the road?”  Of course, those who keep up with the new

Twitter Bans Trump Account Over Coronavirus Misinformation:   Facebook and Twitter have taken the extraordinary step of banning President Trump’s campaign account, for spreading lies and misinformation about the coronavirus, because of a video that was posted where the President claims “children can’t get the coronavirus, and if they do, it isn’t that bad.” Well then, if that’s the case, I suppose it’s time to enroll young Barron Trump into one of those Covid-19 schools.  Especially since 100 Mississippi students just had to be quarantined after their classmates tested positive for COVID-19, shortly after the school had reopened. Meanwhile, angry conservatives are arguing that, if you start banning President Trump every time he lies about something in a social media post, you’re basically preventing him from posting - which is pure censorship. Personally, I don’t think it’s necessary to actually ban the President or his accounts.  All you have to do is simply attach a disclaime

Coronavirus Has Grocery Prices Rising at Fastest Pace in Decades:  The cost of groceries has been rising at the fastest pace in decades since the coronavirus pandemic seized the U.S. economy, leading to sticker shock for basic staples such as beef, milk and eggs - and forcing already struggling families, to wonder how they’ll ever manage to  afford to put food on the table. Wow, guess we must be living in one of those “shithole countries” like you hear Donald Trump talk about all the time.  Luckily, and just in the nick of time, Ivanka is initiating one of her new public service campaigns, centered around encouraging people who can’t afford to buy staples, to just "Eat Something New.”  Now, word has it, Goya beans are quite tasty. In addition, Trump staffers are also doing their darn best to help relieve the suffering, by suggesting folks consider planting “backyard gardens.”  Great idea!  Especially for folks living in apartments.  Wonder why they never thought about that

Dr. Birx Says U.S. Has Entered a ‘New Phase’ of the Pandemic:  Trump enabler and apologist Dr. Deborah Birx, the physician overseeing the White House coronavirus response, finally got the nerve Sunday to warn that the United States has entered a “new phase” of the pandemic and urged people to take extreme health precautions as infections and deaths are rising dramatically nationwide. Gee, a new phase?  How can this be a new phase?  I mean, Trump still gets to play plenty of golf.  OK, sooooo - what’s this new phase gonna be called, anyway?  The “goodbye grandma, grandpa and school children phase?”  Why, it’s almost as if this term they’re using “new phase,” is nothing more than a polite way of saying “this has really turned out to be a frigg’in disaster!”     Now, to be completely fair, I think Dr. Birx must simply have a different definition of the term “new phase.”  To me, a “new phase” would mean Dr. Birx has finally decided she’s gonna live up to her Hippocratic oath, a

Trump Says He Will Ban TikTok from Operating in the US:   President Trump announced plans on Friday to use either emergency economic powers or an executive order, to ban the social media platform TikTok from operating here in the United States. So let’s see here, we have a killer pandemic spreading like crazy, our education system is in ruins, the US economy is collapsing around us, the postal service is nearly on it’s deathbed from lack of funding, and unemployment benefits are about to run out for over 30 million Americans.  But, never fear, our President has taken the helm and decided the solution is - banning a silly social media app called “TikTok." Now, that said, and in all fairness - Donald Trump is not alone in his dread of “TikTok.”  Why, even Captain Hook, of Peter Pan fame, shook in fear, just upon hearing anything that remotely sounded like “TikTok.”  And hell, while he’s at it, why not also consider banning tic tacs - just to be on the safe side.