You've Got to Be Kidding?

Newsmax is the New Landing Spot for Ultraconservative Cable News Personalities:   Newsmax is quickly becoming the new home base for scores of ultraconservative cable news personalities, who’s extremist views and trash mouths kept them in constant hot water at their previous places of employment. Oh yeah, I remember Newsmax.  That’s the website that once sold T‑shirts, advocating the killing of journalists.  Newsmax is the new home for former Fox News personalities, who felt that “lying to listeners" just isn’t enough - and that you also need to incite violence.  And folks, it appears Newsmax has been busy raiding the Fox News trash dumpster once again - which means get ready for even more wackos to hit the airwaves. And, surprise, surprise!  I mean, who knew that former trolls, have now reached the status of "news personalities.”  Well, they sure have - right here on this “White Trash Network.  And, who can blame them?  After all, not everyone ...

Trump Claims Police Kill More White People than Blacks:  Earlier this week, President Trump shrugged off reporter’s questions about police killing black people, by claiming police kill more white people - and, while that’s technically correct, data indicate black people are actually 2.5 times more likely to die at the hands of police than whites. Gee, is it just me, or did Donald Trump just try and convince folks about how fair and reasonable the police are, by bragging about how they like to murder white folks also?   I mean, with an understanding of math and statistics like that, do we really need to ponder how anyone could possibly manage to even bankrupt a damn gambling casino? Why, this is a guy who, if you asked him about square roots, would ask his gardeners to dig up the White House rose garden - just to try and prove you wrong.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Herman Cain Hospitalized With Covid-19 After Attending Trump’s Tulsa Rally:   Herman Cain, the former Godfather’s Pizza chain executive who ran in the Republican presidential primary in 2012, has been hospitalized with Covid-19 less than two weeks after attending a Trump Nuremberg-style rally in Tulsa. Well, let us hope he gets well soon.  If not, may he “rest in pizza.”  That said, it must be rather embarrassing for a rabid Trump supporter to have to be hospitalized for a Democrat/Media hoax?  And, if you remember, back in 2012 when Cain was running for President, his motto used to be “9- 9-9.”  Now, it’s apparently 9-1-1.   And good grief!  It just occurred to me that if “Cain isn’t Abel” to vote in November, that means Trump will instantly lose one-third of his black voters.  Of course, it’s doubtful Trump will be sending Mr Cain well-wishes any time soon, at least not until someone explains to the President that Herman Cain and Ben...

Trump Signs Order to Allow Punishing Social Media Over Site Content:   President Trump signed an executive order on Thursday that could open the door for the U.S. government to assume oversight of political speech on the Internet, the new directive seeks to change a federal law that has spared tech companies from being sued or held liable for most posts, photos and videos shared by people who use their sites. Now, as scary as all this may seem, the funny thing is - is that most of us who’ve read Orwell have always assumed that “Big Brother” would end up being a ruthlessly efficient organization of “evil Bond geniuses,” not a bunch of babbling, half-wits - working for a mentally challenged moron who just loves conspiracy theories and who has the attention span of a fire ant. Anyway, it appears that the good folks over in Trumplandia believe that the Second Amendment is the only “real” amendment.  Now, I realize geography isn’t one of his strongest suits, but someti...

Critics Blast Large Corporations Taking Millions Meant for Small Businesses:   A recent Associated Press investigation found that at least 147 large, publicly-traded companies received $555 million of potentially forgivable loans, which were supposed to go to help small businesses stay afloat - this, after President Trump quickly eliminated the job of the guy who was supposed to provide oversight on this money shortly after the stimulus bill passed. Gee, now it seems Trump Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin is saying he doesn’t think it was appropriate for these corporations to have accepted that money.   And, while that sounds like such a compassionate thing for him to say, how in the hell does Mr Treasury Secretary-pants plan to explain why these corporations were on the list to receive money in the first place?   I mean, who knew a company with over 500 employees was a “small business?“  Meanwhile, Republicans like Mitch McConnell are busy calling the...

Trump Disbanding Coronavirus Task Force While U.S. Cases Are Rising:   While touring a mask production facility in Phoenix while wearing no mask, President Trump confirmed rumors that he will be disbanding the White House coronavirus task force in the coming weeks, even as the number of confirmed cases of COVID-19 in the US continues to rise. Wait a minute, isn’t that a bit of like sending the firefighters back to the station while the house is still burning - so the Fire Captain can get back to watching TV? Anyway, it certainly sounds like it’s time for Mr Trump to find himself a nice, big battleship and declare "Mission Accomplished!”  And, of course, what could possibly be fitting to represent the President’s leadership during this pandemic, then the USS Arizona. Not to mention, and on a more positive note, disbanding the coronavirus task force will also at free-up more time for Jared Kushner and Mike Pence to get back to doing what they really do best - whi...

Yet Another Tragic Pandemic Tale From Right Out of LA:  Paid a visit the other day to an old friend named “Cliff,” who has a place up in the mountains overlooking LA.  As you can see, Cliff’s the kind of a guy who enjoys “living on the edge.”  Now, I realize we’re all supposed to be self-distancing these days, but I went over because Cliff was feeling really down - at least for a guy who lives way up.   Turns out, Cliff’s wife Mona - had suddenly left him.  Not intensionally, mind you - for you see, Mona was a sleep-walker.  Now, I know some of you are going to ask, why in the hell would a woman allow herself “fall” for a guy named Cliff - who lives off the side of a mountain?  Well, it’s like I told you, Mona was a sleep-walker - so I guess it was just a matter of physics. Anyway, while all this may seem like a really sad tale, it really isn’t.  That’s because it has a rather happy ending.  You see, I also have another friend, wh...

Trump Strikes Out At Media-Insisting Reporters Return Nobel Prizes:   President Trump has launched another Twitter tirade against the media, this time slamming a days-old story about his lax work habits (like not arriving for work before noon), and calling for journalists to return their “Nobel Prizes.”  Well, that ought to prove quite interesting, given that journalists don’t even receive the Nobel Prize.  One thing’s for sure though, prize or no Nobel prize, - after floating an idea like COVIDF-19 patients might consider injecting disinfectant into their veins, pretty much demonstrates why the “J” in Donald J. Trump - really does stand for genius. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Treasury Department Orders Trump’s Name Printed on Stimulus Checks:   In an unprecedented move, the Treasury Department has ordered that Donald Trump’s name be printed on all stimulus checks that the Internal Revenue Service is rushing to send out, a move which will likely even further delay their delivery. Now wait a minute, Trump’s gonna be the one signing these checks?  Don’t Donald Trump’s checks usually bounce?  Why, that’s just insane sending out paper checks with Trump’s signature on them!  On the other hand, I suppose it does kinda make sense.  After all, we do have a national shortage of toilet paper.   Hell, and while they’re at it, Treasury might just as well add the phrase "In Morons We Trust,” right above Trump’s image on the back of the checks.  So, what the hell are they planning on paying us in anyway - rubles?  Besides, what I really wanna know is, how the hell can a guy who doesn’t even pay any taxes - sign ...

Health Officials Urge the Wearing of Masks and Social Distancing:   Health officials say that among the most important steps we can take to prevent the spread of the coronavirus these days are wearing a mask and practice social distancing of at least 6 feet. Well, I’m certainly all for social distancing, but to be honest - I'm starting to get the impression that some folks may be taking this social distancing idea just a wee bit too seriously. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Many Localities Now Requiring Some Sort of Face Mask:  Along with the social distancing healthcare professionals have been recommending, many communities around the country are now asking those who leave their homes, to not only stay the recommended 6 feet away from one another, but are also requiring everyone wear some sort of face mask. Face masks?  Got it covered!  I fact, I’ve not only been covering my nose and mouth, I’ve also taken additional steps to “cover my ass.”  I mean, the last thing we need is for that to start spreading all over the place.  Well, at least any more than it already has. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Americans Prefer Lip Service to Action:   Well, America - we're now finally "once again" down to "two corporate candidates." Americans have "once again" been convinced that pooling our resources together so WE ALL can have affordable healthcare is an insane, unaffordable, pie-in-the-sky concept, which apparently, every other industrialized country in world can afford - except ours. In exchange for taking concrete actions, we'll "once again" get nothing but lip service - words, promises and prayers. Now, we have as our last defense against this monster in the White House, a guy who (in recent interviews), cannot even complete simple thoughts or sentences - and these were in response to softball questions from places like MSNBC, Jimmy Kimmel and Katie Couric. How is he ever supposed to be able to debate a slick, con artist like Donald Trump? But, enough out of me. I think George Carlin sums it up much better than I ever could. http...

People Having Trouble Finding Face Masks:  As some cities and states are considering making it mandatory to wear face masks when you leave home, many are reporting that it’s nearly impossible to find anyone who sells masks that can be delivered before summer. That said, here are some folks who are obviously a helluva lot smarter than me, who seem to have solved that problem. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Mike Huckabee Claims COVID-19 Death Risk Small and Sin Risk Lethal:   Former Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has stirred some controversy with medical professionals by claiming that the risk of death from coronavirus is very “minimal,” but “sin is 100% lethal. Oh, really Mike?  Then how about showing me a death certificate which lists “sin” as the primary cause of death.  Of course, the fact is, sin couldn’t be 100% lethal, or a guy like me wouldn’t even be alive to write this.   On the other hand, maybe you’re on to something Mike - and sin really is lethal, and I secretly used a “ghostwriter” to write this joke. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Louisiana Pastor Arrested for Holding Services with Over 1,100 Attendees:   Rev. Tony Spell of the Life Tabernacle Church, who repeatedly defied state orders prohibiting gatherings of more than 50 people by holding large church services with over 1100 attendees, was charged with six misdemeanor counts of violating a state ban on non-essential gatherings. Rev. Spell claims God spoke to him personally, and told him that “the virus is politically motivated” and to keep his church open, and that’s exactly what he intends to do.   Now that’s interesting, because God just spoke to me about an hour ago, and told me during this pandemic, it’s best to avoid close contact with anyone stupid enough to believe con artists like Rev. Spell. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Sen. Ted Cruz to Self-Quarantine After Interacting With Coronavirus Victim:   Sen Ted Cruz said he would self-quarantine himself from work after interacting with a person at the conservative CPAC conference, who later tested positive for the coronavirus. Wait a minute!  Shouldn’t he at least first call a meeting with Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham and the President, just to run it by them and get their OK?  After all, President Trump did say it was OK for everyone to go to work. In contrast, President Trump says he’s not the slightest bit worried about the coronavirus arriving in the Washington DC area, and sees no need to self-quarantine himself from work.  Can’t argue with that.  I mean hell, it isn’t exactly like he ever does any work anyway. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Televangelist Jim Bakker Ordered To Stop Selling Fake Coronavirus Cure:   New York’s Attorney General has given the Jim Bakker Show 10 days to comply with a cease-and-desist letter that orders Bakker to stop touting his “Silver Solution” products, which he claims will cure the coronavirus in just 12 hours.  No kidding - you mean to tell me that Jim Bakker, the Walmart Antichrist - is still in business?  Sounds like that dude’s got it goin on!  And now he’s got himself a homemade “silver solution” that cures the coronavirus in just 12 hours?   Wow, it’s a damn good thing these televangelists work tax free!  That means more money guys like Bakker can throw into their epidemiological scientific research.  Now, I suppose about the only thing left, is for President Trump to award him one of those “Medal of Freedom” thingies he loves to give out. And, if that wasn’t exciting enough, now that we have the Jim Bakker “Silver Solution” coronaviru...

Trump Wants to Cut Taxes to Battle the Coronavirus:   Donald Trump attacked Democrats at a mass rally a few days ago in South Carolina, telling the crowd that the coronavirus is under control, all the hysteria around it is simply “a hoax,” and that the Administration is considering more tax cuts to counter the coronavirus’ effect on the economy. Whew!  I’m sure the American public is relieved to learn all this coronavirus stuff is just a hoax.  And you know what, that tax cut idea of his just might work.  Why, it’s long been known in certain medical circles that viruses can’t survive very long without a strong tax revenue stream from billionaires. And, it’s it turns out it’s not just viruses that are affected.  In fact, I have a rotator cuff injury from the gym, and the doctor told me flat-out, that about the only thing that can be done with such a serious injury - is to cut taxes for the billionaires.  All I can say is, these Trump people really...

Trump Turns to Pence to Calm Fears Over Coronavirus:   President Trump addressed the nation from the White House briefing room Thursday, announcing he will be putting Vice President Mike Pence in charge of efforts to stem the spread and ease public fears over the coronavirus here in the US, blindsiding Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar - who had been leading the task force. Because nothing stems public fears like putting a guy who doesn’t even believe in science in charge of coordinating our response to a worldwide pandemic and possible global economic collapse. Shortly after being appointed, Pence grabbed the reins and immediately called for a complete ban of all Mexican beer imports, pointing out that “even though the virus has so far only affected Corona lagers, mother always says it’s better to be safe than sorry.” Not to sound critical, but I rather suspect that during volatile times such as these, many American’s are thinking that “now would have b...

Trump Brands Himself as America’s Chief Law Enforcement Officer:  Shortly after his extremely controversial pardoning or commuting the sentences of 11 people, President further outraged critics by falsely declaring himself to be “chief law enforcement officer of the United States.” Well, on a positive note, Trump declaring himself “chief law enforcement officer of the United States,” should at least once and for all settle that lingering question of “who da boss?” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com