You've Got to Be Kidding?

A new study published last month in the journal “ Behavioural Processes” found that, surprisingly, cats displayed at least 276 different facial expressions.   Starting back in August 2021, researchers filmed about 30 cats that were up for adoption once a week at the CatCafe Lounge in Los Angeles.   Overall, researchers say they were able to observe 53 cats in total. Gee, who knew there were 276 different variations of “You are my servant.”  Now, I have no idea why a bunch of cats were hanging out at the “CatCafe Lounge” in LA.   I guess they must have been hoping to catch a few “lounge lizards.”   Frankly, I’m surprised these researchers only found 276 different facial expressions.   I mean, my cat “Smokey” has so many different facial expressions; he makes Meryl Streep look like a friggin’ amateur.   In fact, he’s been busy working on an all-cat remake of one of Meryl Streep’s most famous films, only this one will be called “Smokey’s Choice.” Anyway...

After a MAGA parent’s unhinged claim at a Michigan school board meeting about “unisex bathrooms” in her child’s school having “litter boxes” in them for kids who identify as “furries” went viral, Meshawn Maddock, the pro-Trump co-chair of Michigan’s Republican Party - immediately smelled pure gold and began promoting this bogus conspiracy theory everywhere.   Even though the story was completely false, many parents became extremely upset and panicked over the matter, so much so that Midland Public Schools (MPS) Superintendent Michael E. Sharrow was forced to take to the airwaves and “officially” deny rumors of “school bathroom letterboxes.” Now, is it just me, or does it seem like these days, all it takes is for some MAGA half-wit to publicly make some completely outrageous claim - no matter how batshit crazy it may be - and Republicans will immediately scramble to pass a law to try to “ban it” - even though the thing they supposedly banning, doesn’t even exist.  Hell, it a...

Cougars Venturing Into Quarantined Santiago for Food:   In a surreal image for this normally bustling city, cougars have been sighted venturing into the empty streets of Santiago - while everyone’s under quarantine.  Wildlife officials say the big cats are taking advantage of the empty streets to look for food. Oh, great!  So now you’re telling me that that not only do weary Santiago residents have to be fearful of contacting COVID-19 - but now, it seems they also can add getting eaten by lions to their nightmares?   A ll I can say to these lions is - if you’re looking for food, good luck trying to find a decent meal in Santiago these days.  Hell, nothin’s open.   Why, if one ever came into my restaurant, I doubt if I’d even serve ‘em.  Hell, those cougar’s table manners are so disgusting, my gu ess is - they’d run all the decent paying customers right out of the place . https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Attacks by Urban Coyotes Have Been Increasing:   As more and more humans settle into their usual habitats, coyotes have begun taking up residence in America’s unban areas, causing residents to express concerns about the safety of pets and even small children. No kidding?  Why, I could have sworn “Urban Coyote” was the name of an old John Travolta movie.  But putting all that aside, I saw a couple of really HUGE coyotes over the Holidays right in my neighborhood, so I assume they must be eating well and enjoying all that our LA cuisine has to offer.   In fact, they may be enjoying LA food a bit too much if you ask me.  Mark my words, if this keeps up, you’ll start seeing specialty diet centers like “Coyote Atkins" or “ Jenny Craig-Canine ,” springing up all the place in over LA.   Hell, they’re getting so comfortable here, pretty soon they’ll be calling Uber to explore different neighborhoods.  I mean, why walk?  Let’s not forget “W...

Rabies Scare Prompts Warnings for Disney’s Epcot Center:  The Department of Health in Florida’s Orange County has issued a rabies alert for a two-mile radius around Disney World’s Epcot Center, after Disney officials say it was determined a feral cat tested positive for the disease.   Now wait just a minute!  You’re trying to tell me that Disney World, a business which is basically run by a mouse, is claiming that a “cat” is spreading disease?  Oh sure, we believe that.  I mean, not much of a conflict of interest there - eh?   If you ask me, what we seem to have here are some “bought and paid for” health officials putting the blame on a cat, so as not to “tick off” any mice.  Stunts like this are precisely why you hear so many cats these days walking around mumbling things like “I hate those meeces to pieces” under their breath. But all of that aside, I do wonder where the rabies came from?  What the hell, did Old Yeller get loose?...

Critics In Awe Over Pikey the Cat’s Acting Debate:  This is the only known pic of Pikey the Cat during his acting debut. Yea, this is pretty powerful stuff, which is why I had to post it. I showed this pic to a friend of mine and she was utterly speechless - couldn't say a word.  I said "what's the matter, cat got your tongue?" She told me no, she had already lost most of her tongue during a botched dental surgery about eight years ago back in Keokuk, Iowa.  I asked her if she sued and she turned around, looked me right in the eyes - and said “suing would be out of the question."  Turns out, her dentist was also her lawyer.  Hell, I just shook my head and walked away as fast as my feet would carry me.  I was in total shock.  That's right, I needed a place to vomit, yet somehow, almost instinctively, I knew that the dry goods section in Trader Joe's was no place to do it - all the time, and knowing full-well, Pikey the Cat wouldn’t hesit...

Japanese Study Finds Cats Can Recognize Their Own Names:   A new study out of Japan shows that cats' grasp of our words is closer to a dog's than we think, as researchers determined that cats are quite capable of recognizing the sound of their own names, even when said among a bunch of words that have the same length and accents.  Of course, recognizing that you’ve called their name - and having them actually give a good crap that you have - are two entirely different things. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mick Jagger Recovering After Heart Procedures:   Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger is resting comfortably after a successful a heart valve procedure and a stent inserted into a sagging artery.  Meanwhile, by some odd quirk of fate which modern science has yet to fully understand, bandmate Keith Richards celebrated Mick’s recovery by lighting up another cigarette and pouring himself a long snort of single malt scotch. https://www.johnnyrobis...

Leaked Documents Show 60% of Trump’s Schedule is Executive Time:   Leaked documents are showing that since the midterms, about 60 percent of President Donald Trump’s workday has been taken up by “executive time,” a euphemism John Kelly came up with for when the President is doing things like tweeting, chatting on the phone or watching TV.  Gee, Trump’s schedule sounds an awful lot like my cat’s schedule, who always seems to have massive amounts of “executive time” penciled in too.  Now that I think about it, I suppose the only difference between President Trump and my cat is that Trump can afford a “gold-plated” litter box.  On the other hand, I suppose we should be grateful Trump’s spending a good portion of his time tweeting and yelling at the TV - at least it diverts him away from tearing up important economic treaties, shredding NATO documents and playing around with the nuclear codes. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Australian Woman Becomes Oldest Skydiver at 102:  Australian Irene O'Shea has become the oldest person ever to skydive at 102 years old and 194 days - after she performed a tandem charity jump with her instructor from 14,000 feet.  When asked why she decided to make the jump, she said “ah, it was just part of her prep training for enlisting in Trump’s Space Force .”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Impala Eludes Hungry Cheetahs By Jumping Into Car:  A frightened impala, separated from its herd and trying desperately to elude two hungry cheetahs, saved itself in South Africa’s Kruger National Park by jumping through a window into a parked Toyota Prado SUV which was full of tourists.  Wow, sounds like that impala took advantage of a “window of opportunity.”  Of course, a smarter move might have been to jump into a “Ford Escape” - but I guess a Toyota Prado works in a pinch.  Park officials say it appeared everyone who witnessed the incide...

Trump Claims He Knows Technology Better Than Anyone:   After opponents called it an old-fashioned idea, Donald Trump defended construction of a wall along the US-Mexico border in a bizarre series of tweets in which he compared it to "the wheel" and boasted that he “understood technology better than anyone.”  Wow, this guy must be awfully smart then!  I mean, first he’s withdrawing from Syria and Afghanistan because he “knows more than the Generals” - and now, he “understands technology better than anyone?”  Who knew?  Now I don’t know what his definition of “understands” is when it applies to technology, but I’d be willing to bet that this is a guy who’d be at a total loss trying to operate a kitchen toaster. Now I suppose my question to this highly technical, stable genius and his loyal followers who claim to believe that this wall is the best solution to curb immigration from Mexico is - do you even realize that Mexico h...

PETA Launches Campaign to End Anti-Animal Language:   The animal's rights group is being heavily criticized for comparing "anti-animal" idioms to racism, homophobia, and other discriminatory language.  And don’t I know it!  I mean, my cat’s reported me to PETA numerous times for using anti-animal language around the house with such cruel, hateful phrases like “it’s time for your bath,” or “now get down off the kitchen drainboard,” and of course, perhaps the most heinous phrase of them all - “now get in your carrier, we’re going to see the vet.”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Finnish Scientists Develop First-Ever Vaccine for Dying Bees:   Scientists in Finland say they may have a way to save the dying bee population, as they have just developed an edible vaccine for the prominent and deadly bacterial disease “ American Foulbrood ," which spreads very rapidly and destroys entire honeybee populations.  Researchers say that now they’ve finishe...