You've Got to Be Kidding?

Elon Musk’s Neuralink Unveils Pigs with Computer Chips in Their Brains:   Tesla and SpaceX founder Elon Musk has just showcased pigs with computer chips in their brains during his unveiling of Neuralink , an upcoming technology aiming to bring symbiosis between artificial intelligence and the human brain, which Musk hopes will help fight medical conditions such as memory loss, blindness and paralysis. Of course, some folks are now warning that devices such as these, could lead us all down a slippery slope - but, the pigs have been defending their participation in the study, pointing out that all they’re really trying to do - is bring home the bacon, without actually becoming bacon. Who knows, maybe one day soon, you’ll see these porkers driving around town in brand new Teslas.  That said, you can bet the minute they start implanting these devices into humans, some folks will go into existential crisis, every time Neuralink issues a new hardware or software update.   ...

Biologists Clash Over the Idea That Plants Are Conscious:   Some traditionally minded botanists in the US, UK and Germany are beginning to fight back after nearly a decade of research which suggested that plants can have feelings, intentions and even consciousness.   Good grief, are really they serious?  Why, if these researchers are actually correct, then my next door neighbor lady is one huge offender.  I mean, just the other day - I observed her denigrating her dandelions, cussing out her chrysanthemums and pissing-off her petunias.  Talk about having issues!   Now, after reading this article, I’m starting to feel rather bad about the whole situation.  But the thing is, I have no idea to whom or even how one would go about reporting an incident of this nature.  That is, without some wise-ass psychiatrist trying to put me back on the heavy meds again. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Harvard’s Robotic Insects Finally Take Flight:   Researchers at Harvard University say they have designed and built a new, breakthrough type of solar-powered robotic insect that is capable of true, untethered flight.   Good grief, I’ve been fighting insect infestations every summer for years and years, and now you tell me their designing mechanical ones?  I mean, just what I need - a solar-powered fly to land in my soup! Kind of makes you wonder, what the hell’s next - robotic rodent infestations?  Then, I suppose, we’ll all need to purchase a bunch of specially-designed robotic cats to try and catch the damn things.  For crying out loud - please make it all stop! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Report Warns Human Civilization Likely to End by 2050:   A chilling Australian policy paper outlining a “Doomsday Scenario" for humanity, suggests that if action isn’t taken soon, we will witness irreversible damage to global climate systems and by the year 2050 - a world of chaos and political panic will be the norm, sending humanity down a path toward the end of civilization as we know it. Of course, Republican leaders will counter that this will only affect people living in 2050, not wealthy, older white men alive today - so who cares?  Besides, it appears John Bolton already has a plan to rid mother Earth of much of its "excess humanity" by provoking WW III, long before climate change ever becomes a serious issue. That said, I’ve also noticed that the more cunning of Republicans have finally evolved their public posture from one of completely denying climate change exists - to one of admitting climate change may be happening, but denying the...

Scientists Monitoring Near-Earth Asteroid 99942 Apophis:   Scientists meeting this week at the 2019 Planetary Defense Conference, say they’re monitoring the 99942 Apophis asteroid which will be coming within 20,000 miles (33,000 kilometers) of the Earth’s surface in just 10 years.  The thing is, by the year 2029, Trump will likely be settling into his 4th term - so if an asteroid suddenly threatens to destroy the Earth, my guess is that after 16 years of Trump, no one will really much care. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Oldest Human Footprint Found in the Americas Confirmed in Chile:   Researchers say a 15,600-year old footprint discovered by a student in southern Chile is believed to be the oldest human footprint ever found in the Americas.  Oddly enough, scientists say the footprint appears to be that of someone wearing size 12 Bruno Magli shoes, but because it’s from well over 15K years ago - they’re rather doubtful it has any connection to t...

Salesforce Buys Co-CEO Block a $212K Car and an $87K Watch:   Its being reported that San Francisco-based Salesforce has just gifted their co-CEO Keith Block a $211,703 car and an $86,423 watch "in recognition of Mr. Block's leadership achievements.” My word, those must have been some really incredible achievements!  Of course, now all the skeptics are gonna climb out of the woodwork and claim that actions like this only further prove how “the system is rigged.”  I’m looking at you Bernie and AOC fans!   Come on, just because the board of directors wants to reward one of their bosses with a few nice gifts, doesn’t make it wrong - does it?  And so what if those gifts happen to be so insanely expensive they would even make an Ayn Rand blush?  Lighten up, it’s only money - corporate money!      That said, I do happen to have a few lingering questions though.  Like, why did they get him a $212K car?  I mean, the guy l...

Woman Sparks Uproar Complaining About Useless Gifts from Her Family:  A woman has caused outrage on the online forum Mumsnet for saying she prefers getting no Christmas gifts, while calling the gifts her family gave her “useless bags of tat.”  Damn, I’m with her!  Last year a family member gave me a $2 snow globe and a 1.7 oz bottle of non-alcoholic whiskey with a May 2012 expiration date.  Now I ask you, just how in the hell am I supposed to regift something like that? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Texas Man Killed Over Argument About Ending of Film:  The Harris County Sheriff’s Office reports that a man was killed by two other movie goers after arguing about the ending of an action film they had all just seen.  The judge gave both shooters probation, but only on the condition that they promise to watch nothing but romantic comedies from this point on. Older Americans Lack Skills to Understand Medical Information:   Research...

Internet Abuzz Over Pence’s Catatonic Posture at Meeting:   Vice President Mike Pence set social media on fire after he was observed during the President’s contentious meeting with Democratic congressional leaders for being so still - that many began wondering if he was actually a cardboard cutout.  Come on, give the poor guy a break - perhaps he was just in a (Mike) pensive mood.  Now my take is that Pence was simply praying Pelosi doesn’t "Basic Instinct" him during the meeting - after all, “mother” wasn’t there and we all know he’s not supposed to be in a room with women unless “mother” is accompanying him. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Excessive Screen Time Changes Children’s Brain Structures:  According to a landmark US study, young people who spend more than seven hours a day staring at a screen have different brain structures compared to the average child.  And that’s why it’s so important to provide your child with a device that h...

Stormy Daniels’ Lawyer Avenatti Arrested for Domestic Violence:   TMZ is reporting that Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti has been arrested in Los Angeles on a felony domestic violence charge against his estranged wife Lisa Storie Avenatti, but she has issued a statement to NBC claiming that Avenatti has “never been violent with her.”  Wow, one way or the other, it sounds like this guy’s gonna need himself a pretty good lawyer.  I’m not sure about this, but I think Michael Cohen is available.  One thing’s for sure, if he does get convicted, I think it’s a pretty safe bet Donald Trump isn’t going to pardon him.    https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Spot Possible Giant Impact Crater Under Greenland Ice:   A team of scientists say they’ve spotted a huge 20-mile wide scar hidden below a melting ice sheet in Greenland - which they believe to be an impact crater from a giant iron meteorite.  Meanwhile, Trump officials expre...

Piranha-Like Fish Fossil Discovered in Germany:   Researchers say they’ve discovered an ancient Piranha-like fish in Germany - a fish that would have been capable of ripping the flesh right off the bones of its prey.  Scientists say these finds are normally rather difficult to date, but luckily - the fish was found wrapped in a very old New York Times crossword puzzle section, so they just dated it using that. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Amazon Rolls Out Whisper Mode for Alexa:   Amazon is rolling out its “Whisper Mode” for all its Alexa products - with the smart assistant responding in kind to your whispered commands.  This whisper feature is expected to be extremely useful to protect the confidentiality of people sooooo stupid that they have to ask Alexa questions such as “who is the President of Puerto Rico?” or “can the baby get pregnant if a woman has sex with a man during pregnancy?”  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Clim...

China to Launch Artificial Moon Into Orbit to Light Up City:   Chinese officials say they plan to launch a satellite into orbit by 2020 that will act as an artificial moon - one that will be able to directly reflect light from the sun onto the streets of Chengdu, China at night, a city of nearly 14 million people. Wow, this is just a fantastic news - especially for those who feel we just don’t have enough light pollution here on Earth.  I mean, just think of it - a gigantic headlight, shining down from outer space - directly into our bedroom windows at night.  What could be more comforting than that?  Now is it just me, or does this sound like it’s gonna be one hell on an expensive light bulb?   Of course afterwards, I suppose they’ll need to send up something to block the sun during day, just to try and counteract all the negative effects caused by reflecting all that sunlight down to earth during the night when it’s supposed to be dark.  Hell,...

Kentucky Claims Gay Marriage Threatens State’s Birth Rates:  Republican legislators in Kentucky claim their ban on gay marriage should be retained because gay marriage threatens the stability of the state's birth rates.  Who they trying to kid?  Hell, in a state like Kentucky, sheep and horses pose a bigger threat to birth rates than gay marriage ever will.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Sears Reportedly Preparing to File for Bankruptcy Protection:  It’s being reported that Sears Holdings Corp is preparing to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in the coming days following years of declining sales, casting doubt over the survival of what was once the world’s largest retailer.  I guess with all the online competition from Amazon, its getting harder and harder for Sears to make a decent Roebuck. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Shocked to Find that Our Sun’s Almost Perfectly Round:  Scientists say t...

Eerie Skull-Shaped Asteroid to Zoom Past Earth after Halloween:   The internet is going bonkers after NASA announced that a ghoulish-looking asteroid, which resembles a human skull, is scheduled to fly past Earth - right after Halloween. I’ll tell you what, I don’t wanna get into a  dispute  with NASA, but if you ask me - that looks a helluva lot more like a picture of my Uncle Harry than some damned asteroid.  You see, for those of you who may not know, in outer space there’s no sound - so no one will ever hear that you’ve used photoshop to doctor a picture. Anyway, no matter what this is, I’m not worried - not even one little bit.  Not since President Trump announced the formation of the Space Force !  All I know is, if I ever get to fulfill my dreams of becoming a supervillain, this my friends - is where I plan to build my secret headquarters.  Go ahead, just try and stop me - hahahaha! https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Dunkin’ Drops Donuts From its Name:   Restaurant chain Dunkin’ Donuts announced it’s dropping the word “Donuts” from its name and renaming itself simply “Dunkin’,” which will align itself with the company’s emphasis on coffee and other beverages.  In related news, Starbucks announced they will be dropping the “Star” part of their name and simply calling themselves “Bucks,” which will align itself with the company’s emphasis on charging a small fortune for insanely overrated coffee. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Studying Urban Coyotes Say They are Monogamous:  Scientists at Ohio State University who study coyotes living in an urban environment claim that they are completely monogamous and that couples pair-off for life.  Wow, imagine that?  I had no idea that scientists at Ohio State were monogamous. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com      NASA Warns Human Activity Causing Earth to Wobble:  New resear...

Amazon Announces New Alexa-Controlled Microwave Oven:  Amazon has officially gotten into the kitchen appliance market with its new $59.99 Alexa-controlled microwave oven.  Analysts say its the perfect item those who feel that having to push three or four buttons to cook a meal is just way too much work.  Unfortunately, it appears folks will still have to get their butts up off the couch and physically put the food into the microwave if they want it cooked.  Now I ask you, where is the justice in that? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Bill Cosby Attorneys Argue He’s Legally Blind:  In court during his sentencing hearing, Bill Cosby’s attorneys argued that he should receive the lightest possible sentence because he’s legally blind.  OK, he may be legally blind, but you know what - I still wouldn’t advise going on a blind date with him. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com First Photos From the Surface of an Asteroid Released: ...

Outbreak Linked to Contact with Puppies:  The US Centers for Disease Control has linked puppies to a nationwide, drug-resistant, stomach bug outbreak.  Now come on!  I can live with having to refrain from drugs, alcohol, tobacco, fatty foods and even coffee, but my friends, when they start warning us about the dangers of puppies - I don’t wanna live in that world!  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Removing Faulty Brain Cells Staves Off Dementia in Mice:   A groundbreaking study has revealed that purging “zombie cells” from the brain could stave off the effects of dementia and cognitive decline in mice - but so far it doesn’t seem work in humans.  Well, if they can’t get it to work on humans, perhaps they could first try it out on politicians or people who work for the DMV? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Brawl Breaks Out at Ohio Kindergarten Graduation:  Police arrested eight people after a brawl broke out at an Ohio kindergarte...

Elon Musk and SpaceX Reveal First Private Moon Tourist:   SpaceX has just announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the world’s first private passenger to fly around the Moon, paying an estimated $35 million to travel aboard a BFR launch vehicle in 2023 - which SpaceX feels will mark an important step toward enabling access for “everyday people” who dream of traveling into space.  Gee, I don’t wanna sound cynical, but I think the economy may have to pick up quite a bit before very many “everyday people” will be able slam together the $35 million to make that flight.  Hell, I’d be happy just to be able to afford gas to drive down to San Diego once in a while. On a positive note, at least these tourist flights won’t disturb anyone living on the moon, because - as far as I know, there’s only one permanent resident up there - and that’s of course the “Man on the Moon.”  No telling how he feels about all this.   And while I’m no rocke...

Some Still Pushing to Have Pluto Reinstated as a Planet:  Ever since the International Astronomical Union (IAU) demoted Pluto from planet status to “dwarf planet,” there have been those who’ve been steadily pushing back, trying to get Pluto re-classified as a planet again.  My feeling has always been that maybe after we’re certain Pluto has learned its lesson and paid its debt to society - then and only then should we even consider thinking about reinstating it as a planet. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com FEMA Chief Says Puerto Rico Death Toll Numbers All Over the Place:   In remarks that echoed those of President Trump’s, embattled FEMA Administrator William “Brock” Long said figures for how many people died as a result of Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico last year are actually “all over the place.”  I think Administrator Long may be a bit confused.  I believe its actually bodies, not numbers that are all over the place. https://www.johnny...

Colombians Told to Avoid Sex as Intense Heatwave Continues:   Health officials in the Columbian coastal city of Santa Marta are warning residents to avoid having sex during peak hottest hours of the day while the area’s intense heatwave continues.  Damn, that’d be just my luck - finally about to get lucky and they cancel all sex because of global warming. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Astronomers Find Ice on the Moon’s Surface:  Astronomers say they’ve found patches of ice scattered around the moon’s north and south poles which could one day provide a source of water for human visitors.  Not to be outdone down here on Earth, an alcoholic in North Hollywood was caught “mooning” people who were buying ice at 7-Eleven. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scientists Say Earth Will Be Habitable for 1.75 Billion Years:   The LA Times is reporting that scientists have run the numbers and found that the the Earth will likely be habitable f...