You've Got to Be Kidding?

A recent study conducted by Pew Research Center, surprisingly found that 85% of atheists believe there’s a good possibility there could be life on other planets, as compared to only 40% of “white evangelicals.”   That said, most atheists expressed doubt that aliens have actually attempted to make "meaningful contact” with us. I can definitely see their point.  I mean, the thought of aliens coming all the way from outer space, just to abduct a few rednecks from their trailers and conduct anal probes on them, can hardly be considered "meaningful contact.”  That said, I’m sure most rednecks would strongly disagree and argue that you can’t seriously talk about “meaningful contact,” if you’re not gonna include any “anal probing!” The thing is, even if there were intelligent life on planets like those circling our closest star Proxima Centauri, its doubtful they’d want to make contact yet, as they’d probably wanna finish binge-watching all those “I Love Lucy” shows we’ve b...

Texas Republican Gohmert Asks if the Forest Service Can Change Earth’s Orbit:   During a recent House Natural Resources Committee hearing, Texas Republican congressman Louie Gohmert asked National Forest Service associate deputy chief Jennifer Eberlien, if it was possible for the Forest Service to alter the orbits of the moon or the Earth, as a way of combating climate change. Interesting question indeed!  Sounds like Gohmert must have been channeling his “inner Marjorie Taylor Greene” on that one.  The fact is, the Forest Service has been way too busy raking all the forest floors in California - to devote any time to altering the orbits of the Earth and moon.  Besides, shouldn’t that be a job for the Space Force?  And, while Rep. Gohmert’s question may sound “astronomically” stupid to some, I’m told it can actually be accomplished with the right tools and strategy.  That, of course - would include obtaining one of Donald Trump’s magical sharpie pens,...

US Now Officially Has a Space Force and a Space Command:   While no one seems quite certain as to exactly what they will actually be doing, President Trump has signed into law America’s newest branch of the military - Space Force, by declaring there’s "going to be a lot of things happening in space, because space is the world's newest war fighting domain.” When asked about their new assignments, commanders say they’re really, really excited, but did have to admit that for the foreseeable future, the only space they’ll be occupying will be rather expensive “office space” in Washington DC. Hell, I can think of a job they can tackle right away.  Why not start by exploring some of that unchartered “space” that exists between Trump's ears?  Why, you could even describe the mission as “boldly going, where no other racists have gone before!” https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

New York City Power Outage Hits the Heart of Manhattan:   A widespread power outage in the heart of Manhattan shut down some of the city’s subways as iconic parts of midtown, including Times Square and Rockefeller Center, went dark.  Good grief, this blackout is leaving Manhattan residents as much in the dark as your average Trump supporter.  Just goes to show, Trump and his people will go to any lengths to keep the Southern District of NY in the “dark” about his all financial scams.  Either that, or Melania may have struck a damn power cable while she was trying to tunnel her way out of Trump Tower. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  The Truth About the 1901 Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo:   Now you’re all free to draw your own conclusions - but from nearly everything I’ve ever read, it appears that pretty much everyone had a great time at the 1901 Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, with the possible exception of one guy. https://www...

Scientists Closing In On Hidden Scottish Meteorite Crater:   Scientists say they’re close to finding a large impact crater, believed to have formed when a huge meteorite struck just off the coast of Scotland approximately 1.2 billion years ago.  All I can say is, it’s a damn good thing it didn’t hit Scotland in modern times, because a helluva lot of people might have gotten kilt. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com U.S. Demolishes Thailand In 2019 Women’s World Cup Opener:   The US women’s national team has defeated Thailand, with a record 13-0 margin of victory to open the 2019 Women’s World Cup.  Well, I have to admit, I sure got this one wrong.  I expected the match to end in a Thai.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Man Electrocuted After Peeing on Subway Rail:   Authorities say a drunken, thirty-year-old man was electrocuted around 3 AM when he stopped to pee on the third rail at a subway station in Brooklyn.  So, for th...

White House Downplays Football Field-Sized Asteroid Threat:   Astronomers at the European Space Agency (ESA), say there is a small chance that an asteroid, roughly the width of a football field, will strike the Earth in early September.   Now, what I wanna know is, since when did scientists start measuring a celestial objects in terms of football fields?  So, given that there’s just a small chance of this asteroid hitting Earth, I guess you could say the asteroid is facing a “4th down and 200,000 miles to go” situation.  Good luck with finding a punter willing to kick that puppy.       President Trump immediately took to twitter, urging everyone to lock their doors, just as a precaution.  Meanwhile, a White House spokesperson tried to downplay the threat by pointing out that even if the asteroid did strike Earth, you still wouldn’t be able to play football on it - because the surface of asteroids are way too rocky and uneven for foo...

Report Warns Human Civilization Likely to End by 2050:   A chilling Australian policy paper outlining a “Doomsday Scenario" for humanity, suggests that if action isn’t taken soon, we will witness irreversible damage to global climate systems and by the year 2050 - a world of chaos and political panic will be the norm, sending humanity down a path toward the end of civilization as we know it. Of course, Republican leaders will counter that this will only affect people living in 2050, not wealthy, older white men alive today - so who cares?  Besides, it appears John Bolton already has a plan to rid mother Earth of much of its "excess humanity" by provoking WW III, long before climate change ever becomes a serious issue. That said, I’ve also noticed that the more cunning of Republicans have finally evolved their public posture from one of completely denying climate change exists - to one of admitting climate change may be happening, but denying the...

Neanderthals Split From Humans Much Earlier Than Thought:   A new study suggests that modern humans may have split from our closest relatives the Neanderthals over 800,000 years ago, hundreds of thousands of years earlier than had been previously thought.  That said, researchers say they still managed to get together every year or so for family reunions. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Jeff Bezos Envisions Space Habitats Housing a Trillion People:   During a recent secretive event in Washington DC, Jeff Bezos outlined his ambitious, futuristic vision for space colonization, including self-sustaining habitats that could house a trillion people in space and have an ideal climate at all times - like Maui on its best day all year long.  Yea well, good luck meeting Amazon Prime’s two-day delivery promise on that one - Mr Smartypants. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Shocking New Study Reveals Moon is Shrinking Due to Moonquakes:   Accor...

Universe Younger and Expanding Faster Than Previously Thought:   A new study led by Nobel Prize winning astronomer Adam Riess found that the universe is actually younger and expanding 9% faster than previously thought, leading many to believe that a "new physics" may be necessary to explain the difference. Now, if I’m understanding all this correctly, the Universe was caught speeding, traveling way faster than the laws of physics permit.  And then, a further investigation also determined that it had been lying about its age all this time?  I’m telling you, kids these days !  Now, I’m certainly no physicist, but I blame it all on that damn “Big Bang” thing. And if all that wasn’t bad enough, scientists now say if this finding is correct and we need a “new physics,” it will have profound ramifications on nearly everything.  One of which is - everyone’s high school and college physics credits will suddenly be invalid, and people will forced to retake tho...

Astronomers Reveal First Photo of an Actual Black Hole:   Scientists say they have now have a photograph of something that was always believed to be “unseeable,” a supermassive black hole in the center of Messier 87 - a huge galaxy located about 55 million light-years from the Earth. Of course, there’s always gonna be skeptics.  People who refuse to believe this photograph is really what astronomers say it is.  Some, will insist this picture isn’t from outer space at all and was actually stolen off the Pornhub website.  Others, will say this looks more like a photograph of President Trump - bending over in the shower after consuming way too many baked beans at a 4th of July campaign BBQ in rural Oklahoma.  And of course they’ll always be those who claim this is nothing more than a blurry photograph of a glazed donut. But, putting all that nonsense aside, my primary concern is related to those always sensitive privacy issues.  Did any of these no...

First Photo of Black Hole Expected in Astrophysics Milestone:   Scientists are expected to shortly unveil the first-ever photograph of a black hole, a breakthrough in astrophysics providing insight into celestial monsters with gravitational fields so intense no matter or light can escape.   That’s the good news.  The bad news is, it’s location was found to be just around the corner from a very popular Olive Garden restaurant in downtown Cleveland.  Oh well, there goes the damn neighborhood.  I mean, it’s hard enough to sell your house if there's a sink hole nearby, let alone a frigg’in black hole .  Why, who the hell’d ever buy your house, other than an astrophysicist?   On other that, I’m really happy they’re finally gonna get a photograph of it.  Of course, anyone who’s ever owned a camera knows that lighting is one of the most important aspects of photography.  One thing’s for sure - given that it’s a black hole they’re shooting,...

Climate Change Could Zap the Clouds and Bake the Earth:  A new study suggests that many of the world's clouds could disappear if the carbon dioxide we are pumping into our atmosphere soars to extreme levels, which would bake the earth with a spike in global temperatures by as much as 14 degrees.  Meanwhile, a Trump administration spokesperson countered that even if we did end up “baking” the earth, it’s still gonna be way healthier than frying it. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Astronomers Believe They’ve Found Our Sun’s Sister Star:   University of Texas astronomers report that a star has been found which may be a sister of our Sun, born in the same cloud of gas and dust in our Milky Way galaxy.  Of course, the only way we can know for sure - is to have them both face-off on the Maurey Povich Show. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Research Blames YouTube for Rise in Flat Earth Believers:   In a study conducted by P...

Super Blood Wolf Moon Eclipse Stuns Star Gazers Across the Globe:   People from around the globe got a chance to take their minds off politics and gaze in awe at 2019’s only total lunar eclipse that is being called a “super blood wolf moon” because of its huge size and reddish/orange hue.   Never ones to let a bunch of highfalutin astronomers and scientists have the last word, some prominent megachurch televangelists are claiming it wasn’t an eclipse, but actually God who turned the moon “orange,” to honor of Donald Trump in his efforts to close the border with Mexico.      Meanwhile, others are expressing concern that a Super Blood Moon as dramatic as this might encourage werewolves to become more active, but werewolves countered that “we don’t need no stink’n blood moon!  We can get the job done with any kinda moon you got.”   Now I have no idea if that statement is accurate or not.  After all, Warren Zevon is no longer with us to...

China Broadcasts First Pics From the Far Side of the Moon:   In what is being described as a groundbreaking mission to a largely inaccessible part of our lunar neighbor, China has begun broadcasting pictures taken by its rover and lander on what is commonly referred to as the "dark side of the moon.”   Gee, how is it that China has suddenly gone from building a 4th-century wall to landing on the dark side of the moon while, under President Trump’s leadership - we've gone from landing on the moon to shutting down our government to build a 4th-century wall?  But not to worry, I have faith Trump will get us there.  After all, if anyone knows how to lead us down the path to the “dark side” - it’s Donald J. Trump.  That said, perhaps someone ought to mention to the President that his idea of putting miners back to work by using coal-powered spacecraft probably won’t cut it - not that he’d listen anyway.  Besides, the only relevant question as far as Am...

Pic Shows Ultima Thule Is Two Asteroids That Got Stuck Together:  Closeup pictures taken by the New Horizons spacecraft - show that Ultima Thule is actually two asteroids who’ve collided and have stuck together many years ago.  Two asteroids stuck together?  Now I’m no astronomer, but come on!  This pic is essentially asteroid porn - why it’s a photograph of two conjugating asteroids getting it on.  And the sad thing is, the poor asteroids probably figured that since they’re 4 billion miles away from anything, they’d finally have a little privacy - but nooooo!  We have to send our damn cameras out to photograph them in the act - and then, to add insult to injury - blast it all over the internet.  For God’s sake, is nothing sacred anymore? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Google Gets FCC Approval to Use Radar-Based Motion Sensor:  Google has won FCC approval for a sensor which allows you to control your gadgets and device features ...

Kid Rock Booted As Grand Marshall Of Nashville’s Christmas Parade:   Super Trump supporter Kid Rock has been booted as grand marshal of the Nashville Christmas Parade after referring to Joy Behar of ABC’s “The View” with an expletive - live on Fox News.  Well, I think the polite thing for President Trump to do would be to offer Kid Rock a job as grand marshal of that military parade he’s been hoping for.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Physicists Still Struggling to Fully Explain Black Holes:   Physics cannot describe what happens inside a black hole where current theories break down, and general relativity collides with quantum mechanics, creating what's called a “singularity” - or a point at which the equations spit out infinities.  When asked while leaving a popular nightspot if she’d care to comment on those singularities, Kim Kardashian said “sorry fellas, but I make it a point never to address theoretical physics equations when ...

Trump Claims His Very High-Level IQ Doesn’t Buy Into Climate Change:  President Trump dismissed a landmark climate change report compiled by 13 federal agencies by saying he’s “among those with very high intelligence who are not believers in climate change.” Gee, I wonder if every climate denier is a stable genius, or just the ones who happen to be loud-mouthed narcissists?  And while some billionaires such as Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos are busy promoting the idea of human settlements on Mars - I can’t help but wonder if it’s all just a wasted effort.  Especially, when you consider Trump and his crew are making every possible effort to recreate a stunningly realistic Mars-like environment - right here on planet Earth.   Anyway, even though I wasn’t actually there when it happened - I truly do believe that whomever told Donald Trump that he is a “stable genius,” was simply referring to the sort of “stable” where livestock are typically held - nothing more....

Scientists Say 536 AD Was Worst Year in Human History:   Scientists say that the year 536 AD was most likely the worst year ever for humanity, as an Icelandic volcano unleashed a cloud of black ash that blocked out the sun for years, coinciding with an outbreak of bubonic plague and a piercing cold snap - resulting in massive crop fails, starvation, years of darkness and squalor everywhere.  Oh for God’s sake, please don’t mention that to President Trump.  He’ll wanna nuke Iceland’s volcanos.  On a positive note, Iceland’s most active volcano is spelled Eyjafjallajökull, so good luck with typing that into your nuclear GPS system Mr Trump. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Large Asteroid Might Collide With Earth In 2023:   Scientists say large asteroid packing 50 megatons of force, could be headed toward us in the near future - barreling through space on a risk trajectory that might cause it to collide with Earth as early as 2023.  Scientists ...

Trump Attacks CIA, Migrants, Judges and Hillary in Thanksgiving Call to Troops:  During his Thanksgiving message to the troops, President Trump said he’s most grateful for the tremendous difference he’s made for the country - then went on to renounce recent CIA findings, threaten Mexico, criticize court decisions, attack Hillary Clinton over her emails, misstate facts about the economy and then float the possibility of shutting down the government.  So, if I understand his message correctly, he’s basically grateful for himself.  But I can honestly understand his frustration during Thanksgiving - after all, he’s been in office nearly two years, and he thinks it’s about time that he was given his own holiday.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Health Officials Concerned About Two Human Cases of Rat Hepatitis:   Researchers say they are deeply concerned and surprised after finding a second patient in Hong Kong who has contracted a strain of hepatitis...

Some Believe Mysterious Asteroid May Actually Be a Space Probe:  Some astronomers say there’s a remote possibility that a mysterious, cigar-shaped asteroid called Oumuamua, the first interstellar object ever seen in our solar system - which has been spotted making unexpected boosts in speed and shifts in trajectory, may actually be a gigantic alien solar sail, sent here to look for signs of life.   Possibly, or - it could just be a frigg’n rock .  Now let’s think about this folks - we have a highly advanced, alien civilization that’s building its high tech equipment out of rock?  Sure, that sounds logical!  I don’t know about you folks, but I’d kinda like to believe that if some advanced alien civilization actually exists, it could at least come up with a way cooler looking space vehicle design than a big chunk of elongated rock.   Besides, if this asteroid really were some sort of advanced solar probe, designed to send broadcast signals bac...