You've Got to Be Kidding?

Scientists Release Highest Resolution Images of the Sun Ever Taken:  Researchers from the National Solar Observatory on Haleakala, Maui, have just released the highest resolution images and videos ever taken of the sun's surface - which scientists hope will help them keep track of activity on the sun.   Good grief, so not only is Google, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Siri, Alexa and who knows what else spying on us down here on Earth - now, apparently not even the frigg’in sun is entitled to a little privacy. Meanwhile, and closer to home, angry Trump supporters have taken to the streets and calling the pics “fake news,” claiming there's no real proof the sun actually exists and insisting this pic looks suspiciously like some “caramel corn” bought at last year’s Iowa State Fair. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

UK Health Group Says Too Much Cleanliness Not Bad for Health:   According to The Royal Society for Public Health, the notion that too much cleanliness can be bad for your health and that children need to be exposed to germs is a “dangerous myth.”  Oh hell!  And to think I’ve been keeping my house a total mess all this time - you know, just to strengthen my defenses.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Mars Rover Snaps Pic With Mystery Lights Way in the Background:   The internet is abuzz with conspiracy theories after a picture, snapped by NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover, shows a very mysterious looking light way off in the distance.  Personally, I think it’s just the headlights from a commuter, who decided to take a detour off that damn 405 freeway here in LA.  Hell, traffic’s been so messed up on that freeway, I don’t blame them for taking an alternative route - even if it is a bit out of the way.  I mean, who the hell wants to deal with a...

Scientists Closing In On Hidden Scottish Meteorite Crater:   Scientists say they’re close to finding a large impact crater, believed to have formed when a huge meteorite struck just off the coast of Scotland approximately 1.2 billion years ago.  All I can say is, it’s a damn good thing it didn’t hit Scotland in modern times, because a helluva lot of people might have gotten kilt. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com U.S. Demolishes Thailand In 2019 Women’s World Cup Opener:   The US women’s national team has defeated Thailand, with a record 13-0 margin of victory to open the 2019 Women’s World Cup.  Well, I have to admit, I sure got this one wrong.  I expected the match to end in a Thai.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Man Electrocuted After Peeing on Subway Rail:   Authorities say a drunken, thirty-year-old man was electrocuted around 3 AM when he stopped to pee on the third rail at a subway station in Brooklyn.  So, for th...

White House Downplays Football Field-Sized Asteroid Threat:   Astronomers at the European Space Agency (ESA), say there is a small chance that an asteroid, roughly the width of a football field, will strike the Earth in early September.   Now, what I wanna know is, since when did scientists start measuring a celestial objects in terms of football fields?  So, given that there’s just a small chance of this asteroid hitting Earth, I guess you could say the asteroid is facing a “4th down and 200,000 miles to go” situation.  Good luck with finding a punter willing to kick that puppy.       President Trump immediately took to twitter, urging everyone to lock their doors, just as a precaution.  Meanwhile, a White House spokesperson tried to downplay the threat by pointing out that even if the asteroid did strike Earth, you still wouldn’t be able to play football on it - because the surface of asteroids are way too rocky and uneven for foo...

Trump Appears To Think Our Moon is Part of Mars:  President Trump appeared to be seriously confused, after stating that he felt “NASA should forget about the moon and focus on the much bigger things we are doing - including Mars - of which the Moon is a part.”  Hell, no wonder Trump supporters think the moon landing was faked.  Trump’s been telling them it’s part of Mars.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Barnes & Noble Is Sold to Hedge Fund:   Barnes & Noble has been acquired by the hedge fund Elliott Advisors for $638 million, a move that has momentarily calmed fears among publishers and agents that the largest bookstore chain in the United States might collapse after one of the most tumultuous periods in its history.  Well, nice to know they’re gonna stay open.  After all, the poor homeless have it tough enough, without losing their main bathroom. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Fox News Doctor Implies Crack Babies C...

NASA Exec Leading Moon Mission Quits Just Weeks After Appointment:   NASA executive Mark Sirangelo, tasked with leading the strategy to return U.S. astronauts to the moon, has stepped down just six weeks after his appointment.  Now I’m no rocket scientist, but my guess is he and Trump must have clashed over Trump’s plan to go with coal-powered rockets.  Anyway, after Sirangelo resigned, Trump told reporters "Nobody knew space travel could be so complicated.”   One thing’s for sure, Trump sure doesn’t seem to have much luck keeping his appointees.  I mean, its pretty sad when the turnover of Trump staffers is worse than at Burger King. That said, who can blame the poor guy for resigning?  I mean, how you supposed to work on a space mission alongside Trump appointees who despise science, think the earth is flat and that all the prior moon missions were staged in Hollywood? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com

Neanderthals Split From Humans Much Earlier Than Thought:   A new study suggests that modern humans may have split from our closest relatives the Neanderthals over 800,000 years ago, hundreds of thousands of years earlier than had been previously thought.  That said, researchers say they still managed to get together every year or so for family reunions. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Jeff Bezos Envisions Space Habitats Housing a Trillion People:   During a recent secretive event in Washington DC, Jeff Bezos outlined his ambitious, futuristic vision for space colonization, including self-sustaining habitats that could house a trillion people in space and have an ideal climate at all times - like Maui on its best day all year long.  Yea well, good luck meeting Amazon Prime’s two-day delivery promise on that one - Mr Smartypants. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Shocking New Study Reveals Moon is Shrinking Due to Moonquakes:   Accor...

Universe Younger and Expanding Faster Than Previously Thought:   A new study led by Nobel Prize winning astronomer Adam Riess found that the universe is actually younger and expanding 9% faster than previously thought, leading many to believe that a "new physics" may be necessary to explain the difference. Now, if I’m understanding all this correctly, the Universe was caught speeding, traveling way faster than the laws of physics permit.  And then, a further investigation also determined that it had been lying about its age all this time?  I’m telling you, kids these days !  Now, I’m certainly no physicist, but I blame it all on that damn “Big Bang” thing. And if all that wasn’t bad enough, scientists now say if this finding is correct and we need a “new physics,” it will have profound ramifications on nearly everything.  One of which is - everyone’s high school and college physics credits will suddenly be invalid, and people will forced to retake tho...

High School Teacher Caught Masturbating on Hallway Floor:  A 72-year-old substitute high school teacher has been arrested after a coworker reportedly caught him lying on the hallway floor and appearing to be masturbating while watching the students outside.  His attorney claims its all just a big misunderstanding and that he’s always had a very “hands-on” approach to teaching. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Baby With DNA From Three People Born in Greece:  A baby has been born in Greece which has DNA from three people, using a controversial experimental IVF that uses an extra egg from a female donor.  Some physicians are calling the procedure risky, pointing out that the child may very well grow up rejecting traditional sexual relations in favor of a ménage à trois.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com    Some Scientists Feel Humans Can Detect Earth’s Magnetic Field:   Contrary to popular belief, scientists at the Califo...

Astronomers Reveal First Photo of an Actual Black Hole:   Scientists say they have now have a photograph of something that was always believed to be “unseeable,” a supermassive black hole in the center of Messier 87 - a huge galaxy located about 55 million light-years from the Earth. Of course, there’s always gonna be skeptics.  People who refuse to believe this photograph is really what astronomers say it is.  Some, will insist this picture isn’t from outer space at all and was actually stolen off the Pornhub website.  Others, will say this looks more like a photograph of President Trump - bending over in the shower after consuming way too many baked beans at a 4th of July campaign BBQ in rural Oklahoma.  And of course they’ll always be those who claim this is nothing more than a blurry photograph of a glazed donut. But, putting all that nonsense aside, my primary concern is related to those always sensitive privacy issues.  Did any of these no...

First Photo of Black Hole Expected in Astrophysics Milestone:   Scientists are expected to shortly unveil the first-ever photograph of a black hole, a breakthrough in astrophysics providing insight into celestial monsters with gravitational fields so intense no matter or light can escape.   That’s the good news.  The bad news is, it’s location was found to be just around the corner from a very popular Olive Garden restaurant in downtown Cleveland.  Oh well, there goes the damn neighborhood.  I mean, it’s hard enough to sell your house if there's a sink hole nearby, let alone a frigg’in black hole .  Why, who the hell’d ever buy your house, other than an astrophysicist?   On other that, I’m really happy they’re finally gonna get a photograph of it.  Of course, anyone who’s ever owned a camera knows that lighting is one of the most important aspects of photography.  One thing’s for sure - given that it’s a black hole they’re shooting,...

Hubble Spots Mysterious Large Dark Spot Forming on Neptune:  Astronomers say they are now trying to identify a huge dark spot which the Hubble telescope has spotted at 23 degrees north latitude on Neptune.  Scientists say that while they still haven’t identified exactly what the dark spot is, they are fairly certain it is not malignant. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Scottish Has Woman Lived Entire Life Without Feeling Pain:   A 71-year-old Scottish grandmother with a genetic mutation thought there was nothing abnormal about the fact that she could undergo surgery, have dental work done, break bones, endure serious burns - all without the aid of painkillers.  Well, I’m certainly no expert on genetic mutations in Scotland, but if you ask me - a little nip or two of some of that Macallan 18-year-old single malt they make over there can kill just about any pain you have equally as well.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Researchers ...

Climate Change Could Zap the Clouds and Bake the Earth:  A new study suggests that many of the world's clouds could disappear if the carbon dioxide we are pumping into our atmosphere soars to extreme levels, which would bake the earth with a spike in global temperatures by as much as 14 degrees.  Meanwhile, a Trump administration spokesperson countered that even if we did end up “baking” the earth, it’s still gonna be way healthier than frying it. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Astronomers Believe They’ve Found Our Sun’s Sister Star:   University of Texas astronomers report that a star has been found which may be a sister of our Sun, born in the same cloud of gas and dust in our Milky Way galaxy.  Of course, the only way we can know for sure - is to have them both face-off on the Maurey Povich Show. https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Research Blames YouTube for Rise in Flat Earth Believers:   In a study conducted by P...

NASA Set to Announce the Demise of the Mars Opportunity Rover:   After 15 years on the Red Planet, it appears that the incredible Mars Opportunity rover has finally gone silent and has fallen prey to a massive Martian dust storm.  Now, I’m obviously no rocket scientist, but have these NASA geniuses ever considered that Opportunity’s failure to respond to their commands may be because after having been on the Red Planet for all this time, it eventually decided to fully convert to Martian and may no longer even understand English? Otherwise, we can only conclude that NASA put millions of dollars into a Mars rover that was eventually taken down by a lousy dust allergy.  For crying out loud, why don’t they just up an antihistamine - non-drowsy of course - after all, you don’t want the damn thing going back to sleep again.  But they ought to do something - I mean, it’s not like it's millions of miles away -  oh, wait!    Other than that, abou...

New Study Links Alzheimer’s to Gum Disease:  Researchers say they have found evidence linking bacteria in gum disease to Alzheimer's disease - after researches examined brain tissue from patients with Alzheimer's and found toxic enzymes from gum disease bacteria in more than 90 percent of the samples.  Well, that sounds easy enough to rectify.  If Alzheimer’s is caused by gum disease, just don’t chew gum.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com   Impact With Mysterious Planet May Have Brought Life to Earth:  Scientists believe that 4.4 billion of years ago, a mysterious embryonic world with a sulfurous core smashed into Earth which created not only the moon, but also the possibility of life here on Earth.  Scientists say that on the other hand, had this mysterious planet slammed into Uranus, it probably wouldn’t have brought forth life - but more likely caused a catastrophic, interplanetary bowel movement. https://www.johnnyrobish...

Super Blood Wolf Moon Eclipse Stuns Star Gazers Across the Globe:   People from around the globe got a chance to take their minds off politics and gaze in awe at 2019’s only total lunar eclipse that is being called a “super blood wolf moon” because of its huge size and reddish/orange hue.   Never ones to let a bunch of highfalutin astronomers and scientists have the last word, some prominent megachurch televangelists are claiming it wasn’t an eclipse, but actually God who turned the moon “orange,” to honor of Donald Trump in his efforts to close the border with Mexico.      Meanwhile, others are expressing concern that a Super Blood Moon as dramatic as this might encourage werewolves to become more active, but werewolves countered that “we don’t need no stink’n blood moon!  We can get the job done with any kinda moon you got.”   Now I have no idea if that statement is accurate or not.  After all, Warren Zevon is no longer with us to...

China Broadcasts First Pics From the Far Side of the Moon:   In what is being described as a groundbreaking mission to a largely inaccessible part of our lunar neighbor, China has begun broadcasting pictures taken by its rover and lander on what is commonly referred to as the "dark side of the moon.”   Gee, how is it that China has suddenly gone from building a 4th-century wall to landing on the dark side of the moon while, under President Trump’s leadership - we've gone from landing on the moon to shutting down our government to build a 4th-century wall?  But not to worry, I have faith Trump will get us there.  After all, if anyone knows how to lead us down the path to the “dark side” - it’s Donald J. Trump.  That said, perhaps someone ought to mention to the President that his idea of putting miners back to work by using coal-powered spacecraft probably won’t cut it - not that he’d listen anyway.  Besides, the only relevant question as far as Am...

Pic Shows Ultima Thule Is Two Asteroids That Got Stuck Together:  Closeup pictures taken by the New Horizons spacecraft - show that Ultima Thule is actually two asteroids who’ve collided and have stuck together many years ago.  Two asteroids stuck together?  Now I’m no astronomer, but come on!  This pic is essentially asteroid porn - why it’s a photograph of two conjugating asteroids getting it on.  And the sad thing is, the poor asteroids probably figured that since they’re 4 billion miles away from anything, they’d finally have a little privacy - but nooooo!  We have to send our damn cameras out to photograph them in the act - and then, to add insult to injury - blast it all over the internet.  For God’s sake, is nothing sacred anymore? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Google Gets FCC Approval to Use Radar-Based Motion Sensor:  Google has won FCC approval for a sensor which allows you to control your gadgets and device features ...

Woman Sparks Uproar Complaining About Useless Gifts from Her Family:  A woman has caused outrage on the online forum Mumsnet for saying she prefers getting no Christmas gifts, while calling the gifts her family gave her “useless bags of tat.”  Damn, I’m with her!  Last year a family member gave me a $2 snow globe and a 1.7 oz bottle of non-alcoholic whiskey with a May 2012 expiration date.  Now I ask you, just how in the hell am I supposed to regift something like that? https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com Texas Man Killed Over Argument About Ending of Film:  The Harris County Sheriff’s Office reports that a man was killed by two other movie goers after arguing about the ending of an action film they had all just seen.  The judge gave both shooters probation, but only on the condition that they promise to watch nothing but romantic comedies from this point on. Older Americans Lack Skills to Understand Medical Information:   Research...

Kid Rock Booted As Grand Marshall Of Nashville’s Christmas Parade:   Super Trump supporter Kid Rock has been booted as grand marshal of the Nashville Christmas Parade after referring to Joy Behar of ABC’s “The View” with an expletive - live on Fox News.  Well, I think the polite thing for President Trump to do would be to offer Kid Rock a job as grand marshal of that military parade he’s been hoping for.  https://www.johnnyrobishcomedy.com  Physicists Still Struggling to Fully Explain Black Holes:   Physics cannot describe what happens inside a black hole where current theories break down, and general relativity collides with quantum mechanics, creating what's called a “singularity” - or a point at which the equations spit out infinities.  When asked while leaving a popular nightspot if she’d care to comment on those singularities, Kim Kardashian said “sorry fellas, but I make it a point never to address theoretical physics equations when ...